I Hate You

by Madden-Mills, Ilsa

  He inhales a breath. “I love you. I do. I have for a long time—maybe since the moment you walked into my bedroom with that coat on and made me insane for you. I’m sorry I’ve been scared. I’m sorry I hesitate on the important things. It’s just…me.”

  I close my eyes as tears slip down my face. He murmurs soothing words and wipes them away, and when I open look up again, there’s wetness on his cheeks.

  His forehead rests against mine. “Can you see me, Charm? Can you see the man I really am underneath all this? Can you look at me and see that I can’t go on without you?”

  I do. I see his love for me, right there, shining in his eyes.

  I nod, and he holds my face with those big, careful hands. “I’m never going to betray you. My feelings for you…are beyond anything else. I’m not that man. I want a happy ending, Charm. That’s who I am. I’m the guy in Say Anything who begs the girl to take a chance. I’m here. I’m right here, and I don’t care about anything but you, even football, because if I don’t have you, I’m going to dig a hole so deep I’ll never crawl out of it.” He pauses, a pleading look in his gaze. “Will you ever be able to trust me?”

  I got knocked on my ass when I walked into his dorm room and saw Dani, but I won’t again. I refuse to let my insecurities ruin what we have.

  “Yes, please, yes. I want to do this with you. I do. I love you so much, and I let those thoughts get in my head and mess with me.” A long breath slips through my lips. “But just hearing you say everything out loud, it means something. It makes me feel like flying…” I shake my head, overcome with emotion.

  “You’re mine for as long as you want me, Charm.” He kisses me, soft and slow, and I melt into his arms.

  We’re still holding each other when Mattie pops his head out the door. “Ma says you two have to come in now so the neighbors don’t talk. She wants to get to know Blaze. She’s demanding a game of Monopoly. Sorry, sis.”

  I laugh. “We’ll be up all night.” I look at Blaze. “These games get pretty heated, underhanded deals and such.”

  “Sounds fun,” he says, easing away from me and taking my hand, lacing our fingers together. “Any pointers on how to do this?” he whispers in my ear as we walk into the den and every eye in the place turns toward us.

  “Nope. Sorry. It’s every man for himself here.” I grin.

  Pop and Ma are setting up the game. She looks at my face and dips her head to hide a little smile. Pop is still wary, his gaze taking in our clasped hands, but he smiles. Joey P is noticeably absent, and I figure Ma slipped him out the back.

  “So the guest gets first pick on their playing piece. Blaze, which one?” Ma says.

  “Don’t pick the battleship. She wants it,” I say in his ear.

  “The battleship, Mrs. Rossi. It’s the strongest piece.”

  Amazement flashes in her face and she claps her hands, giving him an approving look. “I like you already!” She pats the seat next to her. “Here, come sit by me. We can talk while we play. I want to hear about this Combine thing. Such a strange world, football is. You may have to explain a lot to me. I have to warn you, I ask a lot of questions.”

  “My pleasure.” Blaze gives them all that megawatt smile and they all freaking blink then slowly recover.

  Paulie and Mattie have their mouths open, and I start laughing. I’m not sure if I’m laughing because they got a tingle when he smiled or at the fact that he’s taken Ma’s favorite Monopoly piece.

  Blaze takes the seat, his face growing serious, ready. I see a hint of excitement there too, the eager anticipation of a boy who never belonged.

  She puts her hand on his shoulder. “Now…how do you feel about converting to Catholicism?”

  I put my hand to my mouth.

  This is who they are, my eyes tell him. Are you ready?

  He looks right at me. Love. So much wonderful love there. I see it so clear and plain and open.

  He smiles at me. I’ll take them. I’ll take you. Forever, his eyes tell me back.

  Epilogue

  “Nice sunset,” Mattie says as we stand on the beach. “Hawaii, man—beautiful freaking place. I could get used to this. I say we come back for Christmas. Blaze loves Christmas, and he’ll pay for it since he’s got big money now. Hey, remember last year when I got him that Buddy the Elf shirt? I thought the dude was gonna cry.”

  “Standing right here,” I murmur. “And there was something in my eye.”

  “Gorgeous place,” Paulie agrees. “Christmas with the Rossis—never a dull moment, right, Blaze?”

  “Those matching sweaters Ma made us all wear—now that, that was cool,” I toss in. “But I think the picture ornaments of us on the tree are my favorite, especially that one of you, Mattie, naked as a jaybird.”

  Mattie groans. “I was five, okay! Five. Now you’re just trying to piss me off. I hate those pictures.”

  I laugh.

  “The snorkeling we did yesterday was perfection. I’d come back just for that,” Ryker says, jostling to get in next to me.

  “Why isn’t anyone talking about how good I look in this suit?” Dillon chimes in, finding his place in line.

  I just shake my head at him. Cocky bastard.

  Decked out in a cream tailored suit, I dip my head and take in the way the sand feels beneath me. Seagulls call from over our heads. Palm trees wave around us.

  I’m far, far from my roots in Mississippi.

  I’m here, waiting for her, my heart bursting.

  The guys keep murmuring softly next to me, but I tune them out. They think I’m nervous, and maybe a regular guy would be, but I’ve got nothing but clarity inside me. I’ve waited for this day since the moment I stepped onto Charisma’s front porch.

  I think back to the five years that have passed. I got an agent after Combine and was drafted high in the second round, a great pick to the New York Jets. Best team I could have gone to with good teammates, plus it kept me close to Charisma and her family. Ryker went to the Giants like he wanted. Maybe one day we’ll end up together on a team, but at least we’re in the same city. Archer ended up being drafted in the third round, but trouble followed him, team infighting and fines for altercations. Last I heard, he was arrested for hitting someone outside a nightclub in Miami. His team immediately placed him on suspension. Karma eventually gets those who deserve it.

  When I asked Charisma to let go of the Nashville internship and move with me, she did. It hadn’t been her dream job anyway, and after a year of waiting, she snagged a position in Manhattan and has been there since. She’s so smart. Bright and beautiful, like a flame.

  I was tempted half a dozen times over the years to ask her to marry me, but I waited, always watching her, looking to see when she was ready. It wasn’t about fear or not having faith, but about us figuring each other out, learning how to live together. We happened fast, but sometimes love is like that. It slams into you and you might stumble a few times, trying to figure it out, but if it’s real, you’ll make it. You’ll last.

  Ma leans over and whispers, “It’s about time. You two living in sin was nearly the death of me. Any plans for babies soon? Charm’s not getting any younger.”

  I huff out a laugh at the teasing light in her eyes. The entire family is up here with me, not exactly the traditional thing, and it’s not in a church, but it fits me and Charm.

  Her family is mine. Dinners, crazy games, full of laugher and shit—stuff I never had.

  And I’m marrying all of them today.

  The music starts and we pull our gaze from the ocean to the arch of colorful flowers on the beach.

  My breath whooshes out.

  How on earth did a girl like that fall in love with a boy like me?

  Charisma stands waiting, her arm looped through her dad’s.

  Her hair is down and wavy like I like it, her dress strapless and fitted with deep slits up the sides. Huge red heels adorn her feet. I grin. Gonna take those off real slow later.

  She waltzes toward me,
a confident swagger in those hips. Ah, yeah, she knows I’m hers. Not once in five years has she wavered in her trust. She is mine. I’m hers. Till the day I die.

  I don’t think I take a breath until she’s next to me. Pop gives me a nod and steps aside to stand next to Ma.

  My aunt and uncle and the girls sit in the front on folding wooden chairs along with some of the guys from the Jets, coaches, Penelope, and several other friends. I glance at the people who raised me. They don’t know what to make of me, I think, this boy turned man who’s moved on and far away. We visit once or twice a year, but things don’t change with them, and that’s cool. They already have their family.

  And I have Charm and hers.

  She puts her hands in mine, and we stare at each other. Everything else fades away. It always does. I lean in and whisper, “Ma wants grandkids. You in?”

  She laughs under her breath, and I join in. I never want to stop laughing with her.

  “I want at least five or six,” she murmurs.

  “We’ll start tonight.”

  The minster finishes up the vows we wrote, speaking of commitment and forever and love, but I’ve tuned them out. I’ve whispered them to her for many nights when we lay in bed and held each other. She knows my heart. Her name is written there.

  I slide the silver band onto her finger, the one that matches her huge diamond. On the inside it reads, Fire in my hands.

  She slides mine on, the inscription, I see you, always. Such simple words, nothing flowery, but she chose them. I’m worth something to her. I’m it for her.

  Our kiss is long and lingering, and when I pull back, she looks up at me, eyes shining.

  “I love you, Charm,” I say softly.

  Because once you know a girl sees you for the man you are, once you know she’s never leaving, she wants you forever, and she’ll take a chance on you, it’s easy to let the words out.

  “I know,” she says, smiling. “I love you too.”

  The minister pronounces us man and wife and presents us to the small audience.

  Her hand is in mine, fingers laced tight.

  I stare down at her. I figure amazement is on my face, because I’m feeling it, the luckiest man in the whole world, living a real-life fairy tale.

  “You and me, babe—you ready?”

  “Always,” she says.

  I pick her up and swing her around.

  * * *

  Dear Reader,

  Thank you for reading I Hate You. I hope you enjoyed Blaze and Charisma’s story as much as I loved writing it. If you want more passion and angst, take a peek at the short excerpt from Zack and Sugar’s book Boyfriend Bargain or just head straight to the Amazon store to get the entire full-length standalone novel. It is currently FREE in Kindle Unlimited!

  Honest, heartfelt reviews are like gold to authors, and I read each and every one. If you have a few moments, please consider leaving a review for I Hate You.

  Ilsa Madden-Mills

  P.S. Please join my FB readers group, Unicorn Girls, to get the latest scoop as well as talk about books, wine, and Netflix:

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  Excerpt - Boyfriend Bargain

  Boyfriend Bargain

  Copyright © 2019 by Ilsa Madden-Mills

  Zach

  When I showed up for tonight’s game, I didn’t know it would try to kill me.

  I picture the headlines now: D-1 hockey player dies during biggest rivalry event of the year.

  Whatever. I push those thoughts down and skate onto the rink, ignoring my out-of-control heartbeat. The thing is, I can’t die. Sure, I scored two goals in the first two periods even after some heavy body checks, but that’s not enough if I want to break the tie.

  I need a hat trick.

  I need to be the hero.

  But the more I think about the fact that my chest is thumping faster than it should, the worse it gets.

  Slow down, I tell my heart. Please.

  It doesn’t, and I inhale slowly through my nose then out through my mouth. Deep breaths usually chill me out when performance anxiety hits, but the arena spins, and I resist the urge to skate back to the bench and put my head between my legs.

  Shake it off, Z.

  It’s just nerves in front of the home crowd. Use it as energy.

  But this…this feels different. Like a train about to derail.

  My jaw tightens as I clench my fists, physically willing myself to push one skate in front of the other.

  Dressed in our black and gold, the team and I move to the center of the rink and up to the faceoff. Briefly, my thoughts go to the people in the stands. Watching. Depending on me to be the hockey star.

  He has it all, people say. Number one pick in the NHL. Hobey Baker Award winner.

  “Z? You good?” It’s Eric, my winger and best friend. Without even looking, I know the redheaded behemoth is assessing me—probably with a scowl on his bearded face.

  He’ll think I’ve lost my mind.

  He’ll think I can’t keep my shit together when it really counts.

  I’m supposed to be strong.

  I’m the captain.

  I am this team.

  “Z?” His voice is more insistent. “You ready for this?”

  My chest squeezes and my arms tingle. Am I dying?

  Don’t look at him. Dude sees everything.

  I give him a nod.

  Reece, my younger brother and another version of myself—so much so that it’s eerie—skates up on the other side. He slaps me on the back with his gloved hand and points his stick toward the Minnesota-Duluth players. “Ready to kick some bulldog ass?”

  “Yeah.” One of the opposing defensemen catches my eye and makes a lewd gesture with his hands. It’s just a regular season game, but the rivalry between our universities goes back forty years. They also kicked our asses last year during the Frozen Four. Cold determination builds, battling with my racing heart as I grit my teeth. If you want to end up a champion, you have to climb the biggest mountains one step at a time, and right now this team is Mt. Everest.

  I have to score.

  A clammy feeling washes over me.

  Shit.

  Get. Yourself. Together.

  Somewhere off in the distance, a lone female fan yells, “Go, Z!” and chills race down my spine. It’s not her, but something about the voice is familiar enough that it sends me back in time to a place when I thought the world was golden.

  She’s dead, and I know it, yet…

  Panic claws at my body as the cold air around me grows hot and thick. My throat tightens and it’s all I can do to not rip off my helmet. My brain wants to climb out of my head and push the tension away. My stick wobbles as I juggle it, trying to keep it from clattering on the ice.

  Wake up, Z. Your heart is going to pop out of your chest.

  Coach Swearingen yells something, and I swivel my head to look at him, watching his lips move in slow motion. The lights of the arena blind me, and it feels like a monumental effort, but I somehow manage to put my hand up to shield the glare.

  I’m swaying and I think I taste ashes in my mouth. God, this helmet is choking me. My limbs are chunks of lead, and I stop, panting as I hunch over on the ice until I manage to stand again. I’m vaguely aware of the stares of the officials, the calls from my teammates, the wave of silence slowly drifting over the arena.

  Reece and Eric call my name.

  Someone touches my arm—I think it’s an official—but I brush their hand off.

  “Z! Z! Z!”

  It’s that girl in the stands again.

  I can’t do this in front of everyone.

  Zack Morgan is not weak.

  I’m a goddamn superstar.

  Even though I don’t deserve it.

  That’
s when I bolt, pulling away.

  By the time I make it past the other players on the bench—I can’t look at them for fear of them seeing what a total fucking disaster I am—I already have my helmet and gloves off. Chest heaving and gulping in air that isn’t there, I dash down the carpeted, darkened hallway, my heart a runaway train.

  Just go.

  But I don’t know where.

  I don’t know what I’m doing.

  I just know I need to make this insanity stop.

  You brought this on yourself, a voice says in my head. You should have worked out harder. You should have run that extra mile. You should have done that new age meditating shit. You should have scored three goals instead of two in the first period and then this pressure wouldn’t be here.

  This isn’t normal.

  I exhale rapidly, trying to breathe properly, but God help me, I can’t…