My Red, White, & Blue Christmas

by Julie Christianson

  My throat constricts. “You what?”

  “At The Chronicle. Judy Witherspoon just hired me. Well, first she apologized for interrupting the fireworks. She forgot I was on the east coast, and wanted to share the good news as soon as possible. But then she hired me.”

  My lungs are exploding and I start to stammer. “Oh. I. Wow. You....I didn’t...Congratulations.”

  “Thanks.” She gives me a tight nod. “Anyway, this job couldn’t have come at a better time.” Great. I feel sick. Kasey’s leaving me and she thinks it’s a good thing? “I had an hourly contract there all through college, but it’s been a year since I graduated and I can’t put off student loan debt any longer. I sure as heck can’t afford my studio apartment and those payments. Not without a full-time salary.”

  “Right.” My jaw feels tight. Bear trap tight. “Good. Yeah. Got it.”

  Her eyes get wider and she starts talking faster, like she’s trying to convince me how great this is. Maybe she’s trying to convince herself. “They made me head of Classifieds. It doesn’t sound like much, but it’s a big deal. I’ll be the youngest department lead at the paper.”

  “Amazing.” I unclench my teeth and force my mouth into a smile. I want to support her on the outside even though inside I’m dying. “So I guess those were happy tears then.”

  “Huh?” She cocks her head. Blinks a few times.

  “When you first walked over after the call. The sniffles. You wiped your nose. I thought you were crying.” I level my gaze and watch as Kasey’s eyes get wet. She rubs at them with her fists. “Hey. You are crying.”

  “Maybe a little.” She sniffs and nods again. “But I wouldn’t say happy tears. Not exactly. I think the feeling is closer to pride.” She shakes her head. “I’ve spent my whole life trying to get the approval of other people. To be worthy. To feel good enough.” She shrugs. “I’m not even sure how to handle success. It’s kind of overwhelming.” I put my hands on her shoulders and she shivers even though the night’s still warm.

  “For the record, I always believed in you, Kase. I’ll always be your biggest fan.”

  She looks down and starts fumbling at her wrist. “You said you’ve been doing some thinking, and I have too.” She’s working at the clasp of her bracelet with one hand.

  Oh, no. No no no.

  “I can’t keep this, Beau.” She lifts her face and peers at me from under wet lashes. “There’s a whole big life out there for you, and mine’s on the other side of the world. I can’t have you wasting time buying me charms, holding back, chained down, when you should be living.”

  My heart pumps faster. “But I don’t feel chained.”

  “You wouldn’t be completely free, though.” She inhales deeply, breathes out. “And neither would I.”

  “Kasey. Please.” I hate sounding desperate, but I am. “Don’t end this before we’ve even gotten started.”

  “The thing is, it’s already over.” Her voice is soft now, like she’s already a country away. “Sure we played around with the idea of us because it was kind of fun. Like a game to play.” She rubs at her bare wrist. “But life’s not a game, Beau. And our real dreams aren’t here.” She looks out over the lake. “They’re out there. Thousands of miles apart.”

  I make a sound in the back of my throat—part wounded animal, part broken man. If she’d taken an axe and chopped me down the middle, I couldn’t feel more cut in two. “Kasey. Don’t you get it? You’re my dream. You.”

  She tucks the bracelet into my hand. “Maybe you’re not mine.”

  13

  Kasey

  M

  y nose is currently as red as Rudolph’s—with a PH and an F—because after I gave the charm bracelet back to Beau, I absolutely couldn’t stop crying. Then I couldn’t sleep. And I still can’t eat. Not even my mom’s Christmas Eve pancakes for breakfast. Or her Christmas Eve BLTs for lunch. My heart’s been shattered into ten million pieces. One for every minute I’ll have to spend away from Beau for the rest of my life.

  Still, saying goodbye to him was the right thing to do. If not for me, then definitely for him. He doesn’t need me weighing down his future, and I don’t need him trying to find me a purpose. It’s way past time I start believing in myself and reaching for my full potential. And I’m totally going to do the whole reach-for-my potential thing. Right after I put some makeup on my bright red nose and try to act thrilled about Christmas.

  As per my mother’s long-winded instructions, we’re all supposed to forget it’s three o’clock in the afternoon. On the 5th of July. During a heat wave. Basically the opposite of a winter wonderland. I’d try to skip the ordeal, except Big Mama’s finally feeling better. So the whole family is rallying and festive.

  Including me.

  I’ve just gotten dressed in a red wrap dress (that matches my nose!) when Brady knocks on my door. I wave him in. “Hey, sis.” I take one look at his face, those brows knitted together, and I know that he knows.

  “You talked to Beau, huh?”

  He nods. “He stopped by my place about an hour ago. He looked even more wrecked than you.” This makes me snort. A snotty snort. “Anyway, I’m really sorry, Kase. About last night. About everything.”

  I grab a tissue to wipe my nose for the ten millionth time since last night. “Not your fault, bro. Really. As of today I’m owning my choices. The successes and failures. They’re all on me now. Not on you. And certainly not on the you from ten years ago. Deal?”

  His smile is shy. “Deal.” He tilts his head. “But for the record, I still think you and Beau could be great together.”

  I put a hand up. “If you really want to help me, you won’t bring him up anymore. Not even to update me when he wins the next Pulitzer. I’ll just assume Beauregard Slater ends up famous and happily married someday, and also rich and perfect. Etc.”

  “Okay. I promise never to talk about Beau again.” He wrinkles his nose. “After this one last time.” He steps out into the hall and returns with a big box wrapped in green paper and tied with red raffia. There’s a sprig of holly in the knot. The package is beyond charming. “Beau asked me to give this to you.”

  My mouth goes crooked, the closest I’ve gotten to a smile since last night. “That does not look like a Beau Slater wrap job.”

  Brady laughs. “It’s possible Natalie wrapped it for him. But the gift’s definitely from Beau. He said you’d know what it meant.”

  I groan. “You keep saying his name.”

  “Are you going to open it, or not?”

  “Not.”

  I can tell from the cloud on his face that Brady’s about to go into full on debate mode with me, but my mother calls to us from the living room. Saved by the screech. “Kids! Big Mama’s here. Come on out!”

  It’s just like Christmas Eves from my childhood when my aunts and uncles would send us cousins off to our grandparents’ bedroom. While the grownups displayed the presents and got the living room holiday ready, all ten kids would hunker down, waiting to be called out together. Even though we knew what was coming—our yearly ornaments and matching Christmas pajamas—we still had so much fun.

  Some of my favorite memories are of splitting into teams to play while our parents set up. Boys against girls. Elders against Littlers. Sometimes we’d break into four teams, one for each family. We’d play Charades or Twenty Questions. Truth or Dare. Dark Tag. Nobody much cared about winning, which was good, because just when we’d be reaching the end of the game, Big Mama would come to collect us.

  Today she’s still recovering from her stomach bug, so instead of getting us, she’s settled on the love seat. Actually, it’s more like the love seat’s swallowing her. At most Big Mama’s five feet tall and weighs about ninety pounds. Aunt Remy’s definitely served my grandmother a glass of the Christmas in July Kool-Aid, because she’s wearing green corduroy slacks and a red turtleneck. She’s also got a gold halo sticking out of her creampuff hair.

  “Kasey!” Her blue eyes go wide and she r
eaches for my hand. After I kiss her papery cheek, she checks me out from head to toe. “You look simply wonderful, dear.” Her voice is wobbly, but she seems to recognize me. “I am so very happy to see you,” she says and my heart swells.

  “I am so very happy to see you too.”

  “Ahem.” Brady leans in. “What am I, Big Mama? Chopped liver?”

  “Oh, pish posh, Brady. Your sister hasn’t been home in ages and we can’t seem to get rid of you.” Her eyes twinkle. “Besides. Chopped liver is delicious.”

  He laughs. “All right, all right. I see how it is.”

  “I’m glad you do.” She waves him away. “Now go help your mother in the kitchen, so I can catch up with my granddaughter.” She pats the loveseat. “Come. Sit, Kasey. Let’s have a chat, shall we?”

  I take a seat and her halo slips, so I readjust it. “How are you feeling, Big Mama?”

  “Oh you know. A little of this and a little of that.” Her head bobbles like it’s too heavy for her neck. “I kept my Christmas Eve pancakes down this morning, so that’s progress.”

  “Well, that’s good news,” I say. I was actually wondering how she’s been holding up without Big Papa. But if she wants to stick to talking about breakfast instead of her feelings, I understand. They were together for most of her life. That’s a loss I can’t even imagine.

  “How about you, dear?” She pats my hand. “A little birdy told me there might be a new man in your life.” She peeks around the room and lowers her voice. “That little birdy is your mother.”

  Shocker. I press on a smile, but it feels like my face might crack in the process. “Nope. No man for me. But I did get a new job I’m pretty excited about. More like a promotion, really. At the newspaper where I’ve been working. I started out as an unpaid intern there, and now I’m a department head.”

  “Well isn’t that wonderful, dear. Rewarding work is so important for a smart young woman like you.” She stares off into the distance. “I was a librarian at the Abieville Library for years. Did you know that, dear?”

  “I did know that, yes.” I smile for real this time. “I always thought it was pretty great.”

  She clucks.

  Ah. That’s where my mom gets it.

  “I caused quite the stir back then, keeping my job after Remy was born.” She raises a spidery brow. “But I loved the library and I loved my daughter. I didn’t want to leave either of them, so I just brought the baby with me. Eventually everyone got used to her. Remy was our little mascot.”

  I chuckle. “I don’t think I’ll be bringing any babies to The Chronicle. It’s not exactly a family friendly office.”

  “Then that’s probably wise.” She shifts her focus back to me. “The important thing to remember is you’ve got choices, Kasey. You can do anything. Be anything. Have anything. Your heart just has to want it badly enough.” She clasps my hand. “The world is your oyster, dear. Just be sure to choose the right oyster.”

  Oof. My stomach twists. Big Mama couldn’t possibly know how hard my choices have been this week. Or could she? Either way, she seems a lot sharper than Mom led me to believe. I take a deep breath and let it leak out.

  “What is it, dear?” she asks.

  “I don’t know.” I shake my head. “I guess I just wish that choosing could be easier.”

  She shrugs. “Whenever I can’t decide, I order one of each oyster on the menu.”

  She giggles. “Sometimes I end up eating a dozen or more all by myself, but at least I never have regrets.”

  Hold the phone. Is my grandmother still in metaphor-land? Or is she talking about oysters for real? She pats my knee again. “I’m just glad you’re home for Christmas, Kasey.”

  My heart swells. “I’m glad too.”

  Over the next half hour, the rest of the family trickles in. Aunts. Uncles. Cousins. Even Ford who worked the overnight shift, so when he falls asleep in a corner chair, nobody tries to wake him. Letty and Three and Nella take turns handing out Big Mama’s gifts. Everyone knows what’s in the boxes, but we all act surprised anyway.

  According to tradition, we open gifts in order from youngest to oldest, which means Daisy, who’s the only great grandchild at this point, goes first. Everyone’s still ignoring her no-talking thing, and I love that about us. Weird is normal for my family. Plus my mom talks enough for all of us.

  After we’ve hung this year’s new ornaments on the tree, Mom splits us up into various rooms to put on our new pajamas for a fashion show. This year’s pajamas are Buddy-the-Elf themed, with bright green tops and yellow bottoms. Quotes from the movie are printed across the seat of every pair, and we walk the “runway” in front of the tree reading them out loud. Tess has What’s Your Favorite Color. Liv’s says That’s not very shiny. I got Smiling’s My Favorite.

  When Brady takes his turn, I can’t stop laughing. “You Smell Like Beef and Cheese? Brady! That’s hilarious!”

  He wags a finger at Big Mama. “Did you give these to me on purpose?”

  “Well.” I smirk. “If the stink fits...”

  “Ha ha.” He smirks back. “Laugh it up, Fuzzball.” It’s an inside joke we’ve shared since the first time we watched the original Star Wars. Of course this is my cue to start acting like a Wookie. And if I do say so myself, I have pretty much-perfected my Wookie.

  My first growl makes Brady laugh, so I growl again even louder. By now my cousins are all cracking up. My aunts and uncles start slapping their knees. I’m not used to such a big spotlight, so I decide to gift everyone with one last epic howl. I take a deep breath and really let my inner-Wookie rip. “Yaaaaarrrrggggh!” That’s when Brady shifts his focus to something beyond my shoulder. I spin around as my mother opens the front door. Then my heart hits the floor. And I die of embarrassment.

  Beau.

  He ducks his head and waves. “Sorry to interrupt.” While my neck and throat and both my cheeks are busy bursting into flames, Beau ducks and waves his way over to me. “Guess you didn’t hear me knock, huh?”

  “I was being a Wookie.”

  “I heard. Very impressive.” His lips twitch. “Nice pajamas, Buddy.” Buddy? I don’t want to be your buddy. “I meant the elf,” he says.

  “Wowsa!” Big Mama claps her hands together. “That’s a tall oyster you’ve got there, Kasey.” He glances at her then back at me. “Hey. Can I talk to you? Privately?”

  I stand there gaping, unable to speak. Thankfully my mother rescues me. “Come on, everybody. Let’s head out back to take some holiday pictures. You all look so cute in those pajamas. We’ll do shots with each family individually, then a group picture at the end.” She turns to me. “It’ll take a while to get this all arranged, Kasey, so in the meantime...”

  Beau nods at her. “Thanks, Mrs. Graham.”

  “Call me Elaine,” she says. Then she claps once, hands above her head. “Let’s go people!” Uncle Irv and Auntie Ann move first, helping Big Mama out to the yard. Everyone else follows suit, casting quick peeks at Beau on their way. When I hazard my own glance up at him, he’s gazing down at me.

  I gulp. “Why are you here?”

  He tilts his head. “I was trying to be patient, but I couldn’t wait anymore.”

  “Wait for what?”

  Brady rushes down the stairs. I didn’t see him sneak up to my room, but now he’s carrying Beau’s gift. He shoves it into my arms and looks at Beau. “I tried to get her to open it, man. She refused.”

  “Your sister’s a stubborn woman.” He smiles. “I love that about her, though.” My pulse begins to race. He loves that about me?

  Brady shrugs. “Kasey’s pretty annoying, but she’s also pretty lovable. Once you figure out that particular combo, things get easier. Oh. And the Wookie smell. That takes some getting used to.”

  My eyes flash. “I’m standing right here. Would you two stop talking about me like I can’t hear you?”

  Brady salutes me. “As you wish.” He turns to Beau. “If you need me, I’ll be outside. Taking pictures
. In my beef and cheese pajamas.”

  Beau chuckles. “Good luck, my man.”

  “Same to you, friend. Same to you.”

  Brady strolls outside to join the rest of my family. From inside I can hear the sounds of laughter and also my mother barking orders. That is until Brady shuts the back slider. Then Beau and I are truly alone. In the silence. Oh my wow.

  I swallow hard. “Beau...I—”

  “Did your grandmother call me an oyster?”

  This catches me off guard and I actually let out a snort, as if wearing Elf pajamas and howling like a Wookie wasn’t embarrassing enough. “Yeah. Big Mama’s kind of old. Sometimes she says things that don’t make sense.”

  Beau lifts an eyebrow. “I’ll take your word for it.” He darts his gaze down at the package in my arms. “Now, will you please do me a favor and open that?”

  I shift my weight. Bite my lip. Beau lifts his gaze and keeps it laser-focused on me. “Please, Kasey. Then, if you still want me to leave, I’ll go. And I won’t bother you again. Promise.”

  I exhale the breath I’ve been holding. “Okay.” I move to the couch and sit with Beau’s gift in my lap. For such a large package, it’s awfully light.” I tug off the raffia and peel back the paper. Inside the large cardboard box is a smaller box. Also wrapped. “Ah.” I tip my lip up on one side. “I see how it is.”

  His mouth quirks. “Maybe. Maybe not.”

  I unwrap two more boxes of decreasing size. All the while my heart is aching because at the end of all this, I’m going to have to ask Beau to walk away. “I might as well tell you that if you’re giving me the bracelet back, I can’t take it.”

  Beau lifts his shoulders. “I guess we’ll see, won’t we?” I lift the lid off the next box and peer inside. “That’s the last one,” he says.

  The remaining box is awfully tiny. My breath catches in my throat. “This better not be a ring, either. Because... that’s just insane.”

  “Well, you’re pretty insane Kasey. And I’m all in for that.” His voice slips low and deep. “But in all seriousness, I would never propose without speaking to your parents.”