Leaning Into Series: The Complete Box Set

by Hayes, Lane

  His simple statement might have brought me to my knees if I wasn’t already sitting. Those words spoken in that patient, kind tone brought tears to my eyes. Literally. I grasped his hand without thinking and laced my fingers through his.

  “Thank you,” I whispered.

  Lars brought our joined hands to his lips and placed a kiss on my knuckles. “You’re welcome.”

  I wiped at the corner of my eye with my free hand and chuckled at myself. “You must think I’m a loon. You sure you still want that date tomorrow night?”

  Lars leaned in, so close I could smell his cologne and see the golden flecks in his blue eyes.

  “Very sure.”

  As strange as it seemed, I felt his voice. His low tone moved through me, creating a very real connection between us. I hardly knew Lars, but I had a feeling he was extraordinary. Maybe even the kind of man who might change my life.

  * * *

  “I’ll have the dinner salad, please. Balsamic vinaigrette on the side. Thank you.” I handed the plastic menu to the waitress with a smile before glancing across the table at my dear friend, who also happened to be my ex-wife.

  Kate gave me a funny look, then placed her order. She twirled the straw in her iced tea languidly and waited until we were alone in our favorite booth at the local diner we’d frequented since our children were small. This was our spot. A tired greasy spoon with sticky tabletops that served the best damned chicken wings in San Leandro. We all thought so. I had fond memories of corralling three active kids covered in sauce as they jumped around like popcorn on a hot skillet.

  I looked across the restaurant at the young family sitting in our old booth. A mom, dad, a baby in a high chair, and two little ones stuffing their cherubic cheeks with french fries and chicken nuggets. Everything was just beginning for them, I mused. The nostalgic ache wasn’t new to me, but I wouldn’t let it pull me under today. No chance.

  “That used to be us,” I said with a laugh, hooking my thumb meaningfully toward the family.

  Kate shot a cursory glance at them before sipping her tea. She pushed her glass aside and tapped her nails on the table. “What’s up with you?”

  I frowned and shook my head, but I couldn’t keep the shit-eating grin from taking over my face. Unbelievably, I didn’t mega-vomit my news immediately. I pursed my lips and shrugged nonchalantly.

  “Nothing. Why?”

  “You ordered a salad. You never order a salad.”

  “Sure, I do,” I insisted.

  “Not by itself. You order the Blitz burger with cheddar cheese, hold the pickle, Thousand Island dressing on the side, a basket of fries with extra ketchup. And if you’re feeling a little guilty about the impressive amount of calories you’re about to consume, you order a salad. And you tell the waitress to make sure it’s a very small portion, because you don’t want to waste any food.” She narrowed her gaze thoughtfully and gave me her signature quirky smile. The same one I fell in love with fifty years ago.

  “You know me well.” I chuckled.

  Kate and I had been divorced for eleven years, but we were best friends. Or at least…very good friends who still cared about each other. I adored her. She was a devoted mother and grandmother, a fierce advocate for education and the arts, and the only woman I’d ever thought I could be happy with. She was tall and lean with long brown hair streaked with gray. She draped her thick mane over her pink cardigan, then pushed it over her shoulder in a maneuver that reminded me of the teenager I once knew or one of our daughters.

  “I do, so spit it out. Why are you on a hunger strike?”

  I squeezed her hand affectionately and took a deep breath. “I’m going on a date tonight.”

  Kate smiled. “Good for you. Anyone I know?”

  “No.” I let go of her hand and sat back against the faux leather.

  I’d weighed the wisdom of telling her everything before asking her out for lunch. Our history was so complex and interwoven as evidenced by the fact that she knew my usual burger order to a tee. She knew other things too. Things she didn’t like to talk about. Those lies of omission had been the cornerstone of our marriage. However, they had no place in our friendship. I went over the lines I’d rehearsed earlier one more time, wincing when she kicked me under the table.

  “Out with it, Sheehan. Who is it?”

  Not she or he…it. Funny pronoun avoidance, I thought as I squirmed on my squeaky seat.

  “His name is Lars. I’m going out with a man. On a date,” I blurted.

  Blood drained from her face suddenly, leaving her with a ghostly pallor and a sick expression. Okay. Not the reaction I expected. Or maybe it was, and I’d willfully hoped she’d respond with a high five and a “That-a-boy.” No such luck.

  “Kate?” This time when I reached for her hand, she pulled away and looked out the window.

  I followed her lead, fixating on a beat-up minivan with a plush pair of dice hanging from the rearview mirror. My brain was buzzing with a million thoughts at once. The dice are tacky, and I sort of like them. The van looks like the one our neighbors used to have. And I wonder what kind of car Lars drives. What I didn’t want to think about was hurting Kate. It was unbearable. The worst part was that I seemed to do it all the fucking time.

  I glanced up when she let out a ragged rush of air.

  “First date?”

  I inclined my head, loving her all over again for trying. “Yeah. It’s no big deal but—”

  “Bullshit,” she said without heat. “It must be a big deal. You’ve never told me about your previous dates.”

  “I haven’t been on a real date in…years.”

  “Are you telling me you haven’t had sex in the ten years we’ve been divorced?” she huffed humorlessly.

  “First of all, we’ve been divorced for almost twelve years, and secondly…do you really want to know about my sex life?”

  She held eye contact for a moment. “Yes and no. I want to know that you haven’t been with another woman. If you have, please lie to me.”

  “Katie girl, you’re the only one. You know that.” I waited for her to nod in agreement, but when a tear streaked down her cheek, I motioned for her to join me on my side of the table.

  She snorted a laugh. “No, I’m not doing that, you goofball. I’m fine. I’m—”

  “Don’t make me start counting,” I warned in my best “dad” voice. It was an old joke. I was a softy, and everyone in my family knew it. I wasn’t a complete pushover when it came to discipline, however, the “counting” trick never worked. But it still made my kids and my best friend laugh, so I never missed an opportunity to bring it out.

  Kate chuckled in earnest when I raised one finger, then another. I glowered playfully before flashing the third digit, wordlessly patting the vacant spot beside me. She rolled her eyes but obeyed me with a put-upon sigh. She scooted beside me and rested her head on my shoulder.

  “I’m sorry, Jeff. I hate myself sometimes. And I wish…”

  “What do you wish?” I prodded, pressing a kiss to her brow.

  “I wish I had a dick.”

  I busted up laughing and pushed her slightly until she sat up and turned to me with a wink.

  “What? It’s true. Okay, fine. It’s not one hundred percent true. I’d miss my tits, and I barely know what to do with a penis as it is. I definitely wouldn’t want one attached to me twenty-four seven.” She nudged my arm when I guffawed and then laid her head against me again. “But I wish I could have given you what you needed.”

  “Don’t do that, Kate. It’s been a long time. We tried, but—”

  “But it was never going to work, and that’s a hard pill to swallow. Even after all these years, it still…hurts. I love you, Jeff. Maybe if you were a real asshole, this would all be easier, but you’re too fucking good. You’re a great man, an amazing dad, and the best buddy I ever had. You deserve to be happy.”

  “Thank you, but the same goes for you.”

  “This Lars fucker better make you h
appy,” she grumbled.

  “Ha! This is our first date. Don’t get excited. He didn’t propose.”

  “Mmm. But this is the first time you’ve told me about a date. You’ve mentioned ‘seeing someone,’ which I understood as code for ‘sex hookup,’ but you always tend to look jumpy and unhappy. This is different. Why?”

  I pondered the question for a moment. “Because he seems like he might get me…just the way I am.”

  “Does he make your heart race?” she asked with a smile.

  “Like crazy,” I admitted.

  “Good. I might like him after all. Are you, um…are you going to say anything to the kids?”

  “I wasn’t planning on it. Why?”

  “No reason. But if things get serious…I think you should tell Josh first. In fact, let’s make it a code. You don’t have to tell me anything more about Lars unless you want to, but if you think he’s the ‘one,’ don’t tell me. I mean, don’t use those words. Just say, ‘I have something to tell Josh,’ and I’ll understand. No discussion necessary. Is that okay?”

  I studied the lines at her eyes and the freckle above her lip. No one did passive-aggressive quite like Kate. I wasn’t sure it was “okay,” but this was how she communicated. Signals and codes. And when the signals went haywire and the codes made no sense, she baked.

  “Okay. Only if you promise not to make ten dozen cookies,” I replied.

  “What about brownies or lemon bars?”

  “Nope. They’re out too. Deal?” I twisted to face her and offered my hand.

  “Deal.”

  We shook hands like old buddies, then hugged. It was a heartfelt sort of connection acknowledging that no matter what happened, we’d always be there for each other. We’d made a series of life-altering decisions many years ago. Some good, some bad. But we’d come out intact, even though our marriage hadn’t.

  I sniffed her hair and held her tightly. Love came in many forms. When I was younger, I didn’t understand how I could love her but not want her. That hadn’t changed, but for the first time, I wasn’t confused or confounded; I was just grateful for her friendship and the gift of a second chance with someone new.

  Chapter 3

  Lars offered to pick me up Saturday night and take me to a steak house he’d heard great things about in Oakland. But it seemed silly for him to make the trek when I could easily take BART into the city. No doubt he read between the lines and caught on that I needed a little distance between home and my first real date with a man. To his credit, he didn’t hesitate to suggest another venue at his favorite Italian restaurant in North Beach.

  I avoided checking out my reflection in the grimy train window as it barreled toward San Francisco. I did the best I could with what I had to work with. Khaki pants, a light-blue oxford shirt, and a navy sport coat. I looked like I was going on a job interview. I should have asked Kate for a wardrobe suggestion, but I hadn’t wanted to push my luck. It was enough that I had her support. Besides, I knew she’d just tell me to wear blue to match my eyes.

  I had to laugh at the sentiment. Did guys even notice that kind of thing about other men? Well…I supposed I did. Lars had beautiful eyes. I couldn’t remember if they matched his clothing, but I loved the way they twinkled. He had the most expressive face. So full of humor, intellect, and kindness. I’d learned a lot by observing him in his work environment and noting how he interacted with his employees.

  He was patient but firm. Understanding but determined. He wasn’t quick to anger or frustration, but when something rubbed him the wrong way, he didn’t hesitate to voice his opinion. Vehemently. My cock twitched at the memory of the one-sided conversation I’d overheard yesterday. He’d paced his office with his phone glued to his ear as he gave one of his suppliers a strongly worded message about the unacceptable crap they’d delivered to his jobsite. He ended the call, demanding they get their shit together in a stern tone that made me dizzy with desire. How sick was that? I was a mess. A horny one too. I had no idea how I’d make it through an entire dinner without numbers to keep me focused.

  It started out pretty well. I knocked over my water and sent my silverware clattering onto the tile floor within five minutes of sitting across from my debonair date. Since the water miraculously didn’t splash either of us and the glass didn’t shatter, I called it a win. And when Lars set his hand over mine after the waiter left us with a promise to return with a refill and the dinner menus, I thought my clumsiness might have been an accidental stroke of genius. I glanced down at our joined hands and cast a clandestine look from side to side before looking into his eyes.

  “Relax, Jeff. No one here knows you’re gay.”

  “You’re holding my hand. That’s kinda gay,” I deadpanned. When he tried to pull away, I squeezed his fingers. “Don’t. I like it. I’ve never held a man’s hand.”

  Oh, fuck. Why did I admit that? He’d probably guessed it, but still…I sounded like such a dork. I wracked my brain for a sophisticated conversation starter to counteract my lame admission, but I came up blank.

  He raised his brow and released my hand when the waiter returned with another water and the menus.

  Lars ordered a bottle of Cabernet and an appetizer without opening the leather-bound menu, then requested some time for us to look over the dinner selections. I admired the way he seamlessly adjusted his tone with the waiter when he spoke. He was respectful and confident. There was no part of him that apologized for being caught with his paws on another man. I wondered how long it would take until I felt as self-assured.

  I opened the menu and perused the impressive array of pasta dishes distractedly, knowing I’d stick with spaghetti. It was safe and best of all, I could pronounce it without making a fool of myself. I snapped the leather-bound book shut and pushed it aside.

  “What are you going to order?” I asked politely.

  “I haven’t decided. Have you?”

  “Spaghetti.”

  Lars raised his brow. “A Bolognese or the seafood special with mussels and scallops?”

  I made a “yuck” face and grinned when Lars chuckled at my childish response. “Do you think they have plain meatballs?”

  “It never hurts to ask, but if they aren’t on the menu, I highly recommend the Bolognese. You won’t be disappointed. If you like meat, that is.”

  “I love meat.” My voice sounded breathy. Like I was attempting seduction via an ode to beef.

  “Do you now?” Lars’s eyes twinkled mischievously.

  “I didn’t mean—actually, I do but I—” I almost wept with relief when the waiter returned with a bottle of wine. I counted on the uncorking and pouring ritual to bide me some time to get my game face back and my mind out of the gutter.

  Lars waited for the server to leave us, then lifted his glass in a toast. “To new beginnings.”

  “I’ll drink to that.” I smiled, tapped my glass against his, and took a sip. I waited a beat and blurted. “I told my ex-wife I was meeting you tonight.”

  “Oh?”

  I winced. “That sounded weird, didn’t it? I’m on a roll, though. So far I’ve knocked over water, told you I’ve never held hands with a man, and that my ex knows my whereabouts. You’ve probably already guessed that I can’t translate half of this menu, so if they don’t actually have spaghetti, just order me something like it but no shellfish. It’s not my thing. And if my candor makes you question my sanity, I won’t be offended if you’d rather cut this short. Because yes, I’m nervous as hell, and I don’t know why. I like you. Okay. I’ll shut up now.”

  I sat back in my chair, pursed my lips, and willed myself to stop talking. It would be nice if Lars said something, though. I cocked my head and motioned for him to fill the silence before I did.

  “You’re the craziest accountant I’ve ever met,” he said in a serious tone he ruined a moment later with a wink. “And for the record, I like you too. A lot.”

  I smiled, loving his breezy tone and friendly nature. “Thanks. I’m just terribly
out of practice.”

  “In a way, I am too. I don’t go out much. Work is busy, and it’s hard to find time to connect with people you actually want to be with. You’re a breath of fresh air, and I can assure you I’ve never said that to anyone who’s audited my books before.” He snickered merrily, then reached for his wineglass.

  “Hmm. Well, you have the advantage of at least being out. I’m an old guy learning new tricks,” I huffed.

  “There’s no advantage here. It’s about accepting yourself so others can learn to do the same.”

  “Oh, that sounds real easy,” I snarked. “I just told you I’ve never held hands with a man. How do I get to home plate when I’m too afraid to hit the damn ball?”

  Lars’s forehead creased in obvious confusion. “So you’ve never been with a man at all?”

  “Huh? Oh, no. I’ve done it all. Hand jobs, blowjobs—”

  “You may want to lower your voice, Casanova,” he admonished with a smirk.

  “Sorry.” I took a big gulp of wine to fortify a renewed bout of butterflies.

  Lars reached for my free hand and linked our fingers again. “I don’t mind. In fact, I’m extraordinarily curious about you. But let’s keep it between us. The women at the table to our left seem mighty nosy. Don’t look. Just talk.”

  “About what? Blowjobs?” I whispered.

  He barked a quick laugh and nodded. “Sure, but start at the beginning. Why did you come out to your wife?”

  “Because our son did.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “Josh came out to us when he was twenty. I’ll never forget it. He’s our youngest. I think I’ve mentioned that. Jen, Janie, then Josh. They’re all amazing people. My daughters are beautiful and brilliant and Josh…he’s the coolest damn guy you’ll ever meet. And the brightest, best man I know. He’s funny but kind, and he just lights up a room the moment he walks in.”

  “He sounds like his dad,” Lars said gently.

  “Thank you. That’s a nicer compliment than you realize. Josh is a happy person. Nothing riles him or gets him down for long. But coming out…that was hard. He showed up at the house looking like a frightened rabbit and scared the hell out of us. He literally stood in the living room, shaking. He wouldn’t look at his mom or me. I can’t tell you how many times I told him, ‘Joshy, it’s me. Dad. Buddy, you can tell me anything.’ He wouldn’t speak. So I started guessing. I threw out wild things to make him crack a smile. ‘You joined the circus, and they signed you up for the high trapeze.’ That kind of thing. He started to laugh and then…”