by Hayes, Lane
Levi shot a faux-irritated glance at me then leaned forward with his elbows on his knees. “Ha ha. The one thing I learned from my sport was to pay attention. There’s plenty of opportunity to let your thoughts wander when you’re standing on third base waiting for the pitcher to decide if he’s throwing a slider or a curve ball. He controls a piece of the action. The batter controls the other piece. Me? I can’t do a thing until that ball goes into play.”
“Darling, I’m losing the will to live.” I closed my eyes and slumped onto the bench lifelessly.
Levi chuckled. “My point is…I am practiced at the art of patience. You like me. I like you. I want to know you and spend time with you, and if we’re being totally honest here…I loved what we did last night, and I want to do it again. I guess I need to know if you feel the same way. And I really hate that I sound like a high school kid with a crush.”
I smiled. “I feel the same way, Levi, but I—”
“Good. Then tell me what I’m up against. Tell me about him.”
I cocked my head in confusion and mulled over his request for a moment, unsure if I’d heard him correctly. “I don’t understand. What do you want to know?”
“Whatever you want to share. His name was Mike, right?”
“Levi, I can’t—”
“What did he look like? Where did you meet? What was his favorite color and his favorite thing to do? Was he funny? Did he like show tunes or sports? Just…talk.”
His urgent tone unnerved me slightly. Or maybe it was the topic. No one ever asked me those kinds of questions. I supposed it was because they’d either known Mike well, or they were afraid to upset me. I wasn’t upset though. I was…puzzled.
“But why?”
“Humor me, Geord. Go on. Tell me something. Anything.”
I lifted my to-go cup to my lips and then propped my elbow on the back of the bench and nodded.
“Okay. Um, he laughed a lot. All the time actually. He had a thing for silly one-liners, Mel Brooks films, and…me.” I choked over that last word then cleared my throat and continued. “What else? Uh, Mike loved to eat. He wasn’t picky, but he adored my enchiladas. He’d beg me to make them once a week. It became a joke between us. Every Monday I’d ask what he wanted for dinner, and he’d say the same thing and for whatever reason, we thought it was hysterical. Ryan and Wes would roll their eyes, but we didn’t care. We were peculiar, I suppose. An odd couple. Everyone said so. I’m tall and skinny with dark hair and olive skin, and Mike was easily four inches shorter with gray hair, blue eyes, and a potbelly. He was older than me.”
“How much older?”
“Seventeen years. And no, it wasn’t a daddy thing,” I scoffed. “I know that seems like a big gap, but it worked for us.”
“Hmm. Where did you meet?”
“At a bar in the Castro. I was out with some friends and…” I smiled wistfully when a rogue memory hit me with enough force that I could have sworn I smelled my dead lover’s cologne. For once, it didn’t make me sad. “I don’t know why I said hello to him that night. Sometimes, I try to relive that moment and figure out what drew me to him. He looked so…straight. All buttoned up and business-y. And I was a fierce gay man on the prowl, decked out for a night on the town. I wore a gold mesh top and tight jeans and high-heeled boots. I positively towered over him.”
I let out a short laugh and bit the inside of my cheek. “I thought he’d take one look at me and run, but he didn’t. He stayed. We talked for hours. He offered to take me home when the bar closed and when I declined, he called a cab for me and waited for the driver to arrive. He paid the fare up front and handed me his business card with his personal number on the back. I wasn’t going to call him. In fact, I remember thinking I’d leave the card in the back seat.”
“What changed your mind?”
“He held the door open for me,” I replied with a silly grin. “Isn’t that funny? I’d had plenty of gentlemen attempt to impress me with the sizes of their bank accounts and their nine-inch cocks, but they rarely wasted time with gallantry. I was in awe of the gesture.”
“And he was in awe of you?” Levi asked.
“Yes, I think that’s fair to say. He’d led a very hetero-style gay life in the closet before me. He’d just broken up with Wes and—”
“Wes?”
I nodded. “Mmhmm. They were business partners and secret lovers for years before I came along. I wasn’t the reason they didn’t make it but…well, that’s another story. We were both newly unattached, and I certainly wasn’t interested in taking on a closet case.”
“Did you give him an ultimatum or something?”
“Oh, how gauche! I would never do that. Everyone must come to their own rainbow realization in their own time. I would never try to influence a decision like that. It’s too personal. Mike was forty-seven at the time. I thought it was unlikely that he’d announce his homo-dom. But he did it almost immediately.”
“Because he wanted to be with you,” Levi said softly.
“Yes.”
“Sounds like a smart guy. A lucky one too.”
“I was the lucky one,” I whispered. “I didn’t know it right away. I was cautious but kind. I liked him, but I didn’t think he’d be my forever person. In the beginning, I liked his attention. I loved the way he looked at me. The way he smiled when he said my name. It didn’t take long before I craved that smile. I wanted to be close to him because making him happy made me feel…whole. Complete.”
“I’m sorry, Geord.” Levi handed me a napkin then rubbed my shoulder sweetly. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“I’m not upset.” Tears welled in my eyes unchecked. I blew my nose and shook my head then blurted, “Blue.”
“What’s blue?”
“Mike’s favorite color was blue. He loved sports. The Giants, 49ers, and Warriors were his teams. I’m sure you know which team goes with which sport, but I could never keep it straight. He thought that was hysterical. He loved food and wine and travel. He was the world’s best audience. He’d cry at a sad song and laugh at any joke I told, whether it was funny or not. He was my best friend, my champion, my lover and honestly, the best human being I’ve ever known. I loved him with all my heart and soul. I always will.” I paused to wipe moisture at the corner of my eye before continuing. “And the day he died, a piece of me died too. I think that’s the part you should know.”
“But you’re alive, Geordie. You’re so fucking alive. You’re vibrant and beautiful and—”
“But I’m not whole anymore. I never will be again. I have nothing of substance to offer you, Levi. Nothing. I’m not sorry about last night. It was really…amazing. But I’m never going to be who you need.”
He looked like he was going to argue, but he paused instead and knit his brow. “Wait. What about my font?”
“Your what?”
“You promised to help me steer clear of Times New Roman and—” he gave me a faux-dirty look then let out a chuckle when I threw my head back and guffawed. “Fuck, you have a great laugh.”
He was ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous. I swiped at my tears with the napkin then tossed it at his chest. “I should have known this was all about the font.”
“I told you—I’m shallow like that. Come here.” Levi patted the space between us on the bench.
“Where?”
“Just…slide closer and lean on me. Let me hold you for a second. No funny business unless you want it.”
I readily obeyed. I felt too vulnerable and emotionally raw to put up a fight and frankly, I needed a hug.
“Thank you.”
“For what? Making you cry?” he huffed.
“No. For asking about Mike. I don’t talk about him often. Everyone was so careful around me after it happened. They were dealing with their own pain too. We’re a bit of an oddball family at the winery. Losing him affected all of us. Ryan lost his mentor. Wes lost his best friend and business partner. We were all devastated. It’ll be four years this summer
, and time has helped to some degree, but I’m not the same person I was before.”
“But you’re not less now, Geord. If anything, you’re probably stronger than ever.”
“Well, thank you, but I must disagree. I’m only a smidge of my former fabulousness.”
Levi craned his neck to give me a once-over. He rubbed his thumb under my eye then kissed my cheek. “Your mascara is a little messy, but otherwise you look pretty fabulous to me.”
“Of course I look fabulous. I just don’t always feel fabulous. I fake it well.”
“Were you faking it last night?”
I sat up quickly and shook my head. “No. I loved it. Everything about it. I wasn’t sure how I’d feel after you left last night or when I woke up this morning, but I felt…amazing. No regrets.”
“Then let’s do it again,” he said nonchalantly.
I busted up laughing. “What exactly do you mean by ‘it’? Scooter rides in town, coming out announcements at various local establishments, or blowjobs in my guest bedroom?”
“Yes, no, yes.”
I held his gaze for a long moment before speaking. “How do we do this?”
Levi brushed my hair from my eyes and let out a rush of air. “We just take it one day at a time. You can help me with the design details for the restaurant, and I’ll let you ride my scooter. We don’t have to make it into a big deal. I don’t want to crowd you or push you. I’m willing to follow your lead.”
I swallowed hard and considered his words. “Why?”
“ ’Cause I like you. I feel clearheaded when I’m with you. It’s kind of like I was driving with a dirty windshield on a winding mountain hillside. I can see the road now, and I know where I’m going, and I’ve got this feeling that if I stick close to you, I’ll remember my purpose too.”
“So I’m like Windex?” I snarked without heat.
Levi chortled merrily and then squeezed me against his side before showering me with playful kisses. “Yes! Exactly!”
My laughter turned into a dreamy sigh when he licked my lips and slipped his tongue inside. We made out in broad daylight on the park bench for a few minutes; then I laid my head on his shoulder and laced our fingers.
“What are you doing today?” he asked.
“I’m needed at the winery by noon. Why? What did you have in mind?”
“I have a few ideas. We could go to breakfast and rate the menu and font style, or we could ride the Vespa out to the neighboring wineries or…we could take these croissants and bear claws back to your place and roll around naked for awhile,” he suggested matter-of-factly.
“Gee, I don’t think anyone’s ever asked if I wanted to roll around in croissant flakes before,” I snickered, snuggling closer to him still.
“It can get a little messy, but I doubt you’ll notice when I’m sucking your dick.”
“Hmm. A nasty streak. I approve.” I sat up and waggled my brow lasciviously.
Levi tipped back the last of his coffee and stood.
The devilish glint in his eyes paired with that sexy dimple may have been my undoing. Or perhaps it was the seamless way he navigated my emotional baggage with humor and kindness. I admired him for not ignoring the proverbial elephant in the room. Sure, I wondered why anyone in his right mind would bother with me. I was a high-maintenance diva who’d been teetering on the verge of a nervous breakdown for years with a stiff upper lip and a handful of Xanax. I was a young gay man’s worst nightmare. A frightening glimpse into the future. Okay…not true. I was still pretty damn fabulous, if I did say so myself. For whatever reason, he was interested in me, and that appealed to my considerable vanity more than I could say.
As long as we both remembered this wasn’t a forever thing, we might actually be good together for a short time.
Sex was the best gift humans had been granted. I could never understand anyone who claimed sex was overrated or simply not a priority in their lives. I loved sex. I always had. And I firmly believed that if one didn’t have a partner then porn, vibrators, and dildos were perfectly viable options. I hadn’t had the partner-variety sex for so long that the very idea of being with a sexy, virile gay man was a dream come true.
The weeks after our Sunday chat in the park marked the beginning of a slow thaw and a reawakening of sorts. Our plans to enter a limited partnership contract gave me an excuse to spend time with Levi and test my readiness. I couldn’t deny that I wanted him, but it was difficult to give myself permission. I vacillated between thinking an innocent affair was a healthy option to being paralyzed by guilt. I began every morning dutifully visiting my garden shrine to Mike, sipping coffee and giving my dead lover a synopsis of everything going on in my head while I stared at the stone angel’s feathery wings.
Except I never mentioned Levi. I couldn’t share what I didn’t understand. Whatever Levi and I were doing felt incredible. Yet somehow selfish too. I assumed Mike watched over me and that he knew exactly what I was up to, but if I didn’t voice my feelings, they couldn’t be held against me. By me. See? The conflict was real. For now, it was crucial to keep my mental headspace as organized as possible. Mike was my foundation and my touchstone. He permeated every piece of my life in death the way he had in life. But Levi’s presence added a new element I couldn’t ignore.
Every morning I pressed a kiss on the angel’s feet before heading up the gravel path to the winery, where I spent most of my day pouring wine and entertaining customers. And thinking about Levi. We set up daily meetings to go over menus, recipes, and a slew of ideas for the restaurant. Sometimes Wes joined us, but he was swamped with other projects, and choosing paint colors and perusing lighting options weren’t his strong suits. So Wes handled the lawyers, and I handled Levi.
We met every day after the winery closed. By unspoken agreement, we’d start our “meetings” in a public space like the lounge area or the bar. We’d eventually make our way to my office to continue our “research” on my computer. Then I’d lock the door and brace myself against it while Levi licked a path along my neck as he unbuckled my belt and freed my aching dick from my briefs and trousers. The fever built steadily as we kicked our clothes and shoes aside in a desperate quest for skin. I couldn’t wait to touch him, taste him. I’d sink to my knees so fast, I had to hold on to Levi’s muscular thighs to keep from falling over. Then I’d look up at him as I stroked his gorgeous cock before swallowing as much of him as I could at once.
I was a genius at very few things, but blowjobs were one of them. Nothing turned me on faster than making a lover lose control. I loved it when Levi pulled my hair and whispered nasty commentary praising my mad fellatio skills. Of course, I also loved it when he pushed me backward on my desk or onto the bed in my guest room and did the same to me. He was rough but somehow gentle too. And the man had extraordinary self-control. Hand jobs and blowjobs and frenetic humping and grinding were all well and good, but within a couple of weeks, I wanted even more.
The problem with getting older was that I’d developed a conscience. The more I wanted Levi, the more I wondered if I was doing the right thing. And signing that damned contract solidified our business relationship, which messed with my head in a whole other way. It was decidedly unprofessional to salivate at the way Levi’s worn denim fabric hugged his crotch or to notice the way his biceps flexed when he gestured at the plans lying over the bar. I licked my lips hungrily and tried to remain focused. But when he stabbed at a series of circles on the paperwork, all I could think was, Those fingers were in my ass twenty minutes ago. I was still shaky and lightheaded from that orgasm. Thank God the winery was closed for the night. My ability to follow coherent conversation had taken a hit. I wanted to wrap this meeting up, so we could go back to my place and do it again. In bed this time.
“…not sure if that seems high for the lighting budget, though.”
“What do you think, Geordie?” Wes asked.
“Yes, it’s a good idea.” I blinked then scrambled to sit taller on my barstool.
Wes cocked his head and widened his eyes knowingly. “What’s a good idea?”
“Um…the thing. The lighting thing.”
“Right. Didn’t you work with a lighting designer friend in the city when we were doing the renovations here? I remember being dragged to a showroom to admire the ironwork in that chandelier,” Wes teased, pointing at the giant spherical centerpiece that delineated the tasting room from the lounge area.
“It is perfect, smartass, and you know it. Everyone loves that chandelier. I personally believe it’s smart to have a showstopper conversation piece that draws a customer’s attention and makes them pause and take a good look at their surroundings. It’s step one in creating an experience. There are plenty of wineries and restaurants in this valley. Our goal is to be the one people remember.”
“From a chandelier?” Levi asked dubiously.
“Well, yes. Excellent food and wine certainly help but make no mistake, lighting is crucial. It sets the mood. It accentuates the positive and downplays negatives.” I hopped off my stool and spun in a circle under the chandelier with my arms open wide. “When you walk into this room, that gorgeous orb is the first thing you notice. It’s elegant and bold and beautiful. Perception is the key. If you can get someone to believe in magic, you’ve got yourself an audience!”
Levi joined me under the chandelier. He shoved his hands into his back pockets and gazed up at the impossibly high ceiling in wonder. “So this is a magic chandelier?”
“Ha. Ha.” I cast a perturbed glare at Wes when he chuckled at Levi’s awed expression. “In a way, that’s exactly what it is. Ignore Wes, darling. He’s a beast. What do you see when you look at it?”
“Um…well. Don’t get mad but, I’ve never really noticed it before,” Levi admitted with a wince.
“Oh, boy. It was nice knowing you, Levi.” Wes shook his head mournfully then pulled out his phone.
I narrowed my eyes and motioned toward the ginormous fixture above us. My bracelets jangled and echoed in the cavernous space. “How did you miss it? That thing is fucking huge!”
“Don’t take it so hard. I just noticed other things first. Like uh…the barstools and those cool tables with the barrel tops.”