by Mj Williamz
“Lana! It’s Ronnie! I know you’re in there. Open up.”
Lana’s heart beat faster. She froze. She couldn’t answer the door. She had to stay strong and let Ronnie go on with her life.
“Lana, your car’s in the driveway. I know you’re home. Please open the door.”
She sounded so pathetic, Lana almost caved, but she didn’t.
“Lana! Please!”
Ronnie rang the doorbell a few times. Lana put her hands over her ears, trying to block it all, but it didn’t work.
Ronnie pounded a few more times, then apparently accepted defeat because Lana was left in deafening quiet.
Chapter Twenty
Ronnie had enjoyed playing games with Devon. She’d eaten some pizza, drank a few beers, and actually relaxed. But it soon got late and she had to head home. When she pulled up to her house, she noticed Lana’s car was gone. So she was out of the hospital. She rushed over to see her. She had hopes Lana would let her visit her, even though she’d already said no. Still, she refused to give up. Until she knocked on the door.
She pounded as hard as she could. She pounded the door until her fists hurt. She’d even rung the doorbell. She knew Lana was inside. Why was she avoiding her? She walked around to the side of her house and peered in. There was no sign of her. But she had to be there, right?
Ronnie finally gave up. Depressed, she got in her truck and drove home. She opened the door and turned on the lights. She went to the kitchen to get a beer. There, on the kitchen counter was Lana’s key to her house. She walked back to her bedroom and checked her dresser. All Lana’s clothes were gone.
She took her beer to the couch and collapsed into it. She fought tears. She wasn’t a crier, but this hurt, damn it. Lana was gone. They were through. Okay, she could take a deep breath and accept that. But why?
That’s the question that niggled in the back of her brain. They had seemed so good together. They were in love. Weren’t they? Had it all been some kind of a joke to Lana? Had the whole thing been a lie? No. Ronnie couldn’t believe that. It had felt so real. She had loved Lana like no woman before. Even Constance. She refused to believe Lana had taken her for a ride.
She was probably just pissed at Ronnie for what had happened to her. And rightfully so. Ronnie knew she didn’t deserve her, but she still wanted to be her friend. Why wouldn’t Lana let her in?
Ronnie finished her beer and went to bed. She still wasn’t used to sleeping in her bed all by herself. She held Lana’s pillow to her, taking in the scent of her perfume that still lingered. She missed her so badly. An errant tear slipped out just as she fell asleep.
She woke up the next morning at seven and did her morning routine. She was out of the house by eight and at the studio shortly thereafter. She made the coffee and sat down with a cup and waited for the rest of the crew to get in. Devon came in shortly after the coffee was made.
“How’s it going today?” Devon said.
“Terrible.”
“Terrible? Why?”
“Lana came home yesterday.”
“What?” Devon said. “That’s great.”
“No. She came home to move out. All her stuff is gone.”
“Oh, Ronnie. I’m sorry. Man, that bites. But like I said before. Maybe it’s for the best. It kept you from breaking her heart. You know as well as I do you’re not the settling down type.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. I did settle down. I promised myself to Lana. And now she’s rejecting me. Anyway I stopped by her house on the way home and I saw her car wasn’t in my driveway. I knocked on the door, but she wouldn’t answer.”
“That doesn’t make any sense.”
“No, it doesn’t. I mean, on one hand, I’m glad she’s out of the hospital, but on the other, why the hell won’t she talk to me?”
“I wish I had some answers for you,” Devon said.
“Yeah. Me, too.”
The first model of the day had arrived, so Ronnie pushed Lana out of her mind and set up the shoot. The model looked great in a long black dress, and Ronnie forced herself not to think of the time she photographed Lana dressed similarly.
Ronnie started calling out instructions and the model followed them to a tee. The shoot was over in a couple of hours and Ronnie dismissed the model. She set up the next shoot and settled down with another cup of coffee.
The rest of the day went smoothly, and soon the last shoot was over. Ronnie and Devon sat with their beers while they waited for the hair and makeup artists to go.
“So, are you going by her house again tonight?” Devon said. “Or are you just going to leave her alone now?”
“I don’t know. Part of me wants to, but part of me asks, why bother?”
“It might be for the best. But then again, she might talk to you tonight, though.”
“Yeah, but she might not.”
“Still, are you willing to accept defeat that easily?”
Ronnie stared at Devon.
“I don’t know. It just seems so futile. She won’t even talk to me. And I don’t totally blame her. Look what I did to her.”
“You didn’t do anything to her. That was all Whitney. You know that as well as I do.”
“Still. But why won’t she let me be her friend? Does she hate me that much now? I tell you, between the guilt and the rejection, I’m a mess right now.”
“I’m sure you are. I wish I had words to help you. I don’t know. Maybe just consider it fate. That’s all I’m saying.”
Ronnie thought hard about what Devon said. She didn’t want to accept it as fate. She didn’t want to give up. She wanted Lana in her life. At least in some capacity.
They finished their beers and Ronnie drove over to Lana’s house. Her rental car was in the driveway, just like before.
Ronnie knocked on the door. She rang the doorbell. She called out to Lana to please open the door. But just as the previous night, there was no answer. She left, determined to come up with a way to make Lana talk to her.
She got home and made some dinner, but it wasn’t the same without Lana. Nothing was. She ate but barely tasted her food. She did the dishes, missing the way she and Lana had done them together. She poured herself some whiskey and plopped down on the couch.
She sent Lana a text asking if they could please talk. But she got no answer.
Damn it! It was so frustrating. She poured another whiskey and turned on the television, hoping to find something to keep her mind occupied. But it was no use. All she could think about was Lana. She finished her drink and went to bed.
* * *
Lana had had a rough day. She’d been in a lot of pain and had spent most of the day in bed. She finished her leftovers early and was pondering ordering more food when Ronnie had shown up.
She felt horrible leaving Ronnie stranded but knew it was for the best. Ronnie didn’t need to see her this way anymore. She’d never get to see her again. Why didn’t Ronnie just accept it and move on?
Lana ordered some dinner and while she waited for it to arrive, she got a text from Ronnie. It was so tempting to respond. She wanted to tell her she still loved her. That she’d always love her, but that they just couldn’t be together anymore. But she knew any conversation would give Ronnie false hope. And that would just be cruel.
Her dinner showed up, and she embarrassingly opened the door to pay. The delivery woman gave her bandages an odd look but didn’t say anything. It just reinforced to Lana that she was now a freak. She took her food inside and ate a few bites. She felt the loss of Ronnie heavily, and she started to cry.
“Damn it,” she said.
But she couldn’t stop. The tears flowed like rivers down her face. She finally stopped and went in the bathroom to change her bandages. Which she could do without throwing up now, she thought proudly. She got her wet bandages off and applied some salve, then new gauze. She had done a good job.
She was starting to hurt again, so ate some more dinner before she took some pain pills and went to bed.
She had horrible dreams. Giant cameras with teeth were chasing her, trying to catch her. She had to run away and tripped and fell and they got closer and closer. And then she woke up. She was breathing heavily and covered in sweat. She got up and got a glass of water. She sat back down on her bed, knowing she needed more sleep, but afraid to close her eyes.
Lana went out to the living room and turned on the television, but her head was too messed up from the pain pills to allow her to focus. She finally gave up, turned it off, and went back to sleep.
The next morning, she woke a little after ten. She felt much better. She made some coffee and sat sipping her first cup. She tried to decide what to do with her day. She knew she wasn’t going to leave the house. But she had to come up with something to do before she lost her mind.
One thing she had to do was call Madeline. She called the office and was put right through.
“Lana, dear? Are you okay? You had us worried sick about you.”
“How do you mean?”
“I’ve been trying to reach you. You’ve been MIA for a few days. I was getting scared something awful had happened to you.”
“I’m sorry to have scared you.”
“But you’re okay? That’s what’s important.”
Lana didn’t answer. She was anything but okay. She was a deformed mess.
“The reason I’m calling is I need to get out of my contract.”
“You what? Why?”
“I’d rather not say. I just don’t want to continue modeling.”
“Very well. I’ll look at your contract and see what the ramifications are for breaking it. I’ll call you back.”
“Thank you,” Lana said. “I look forward to hearing from you.”
She hung up and fought tears. She couldn’t believe she was canceling her contract. It seemed so final. But she couldn’t model anymore, so why put off the inevitable? She sat on the couch and let the tears fall. She was so tired of crying, but that seemed to be all she could do.
When she was through, she changed her dressing and went into the kitchen to get something to eat. She ate her leftovers, which meant she’d have to order out again. Which meant someone else would see her deranged self.
She shuddered at the thought. She hated the way she looked. Her whole life had been based on her looks. Life decisions like careers, etcetera, were all based on her physical presentation to the world. And now that had changed. Drastically.
She finished her lunch just before Madeline called her back.
“Hello?” Lana said.
“Lana? It’s Madeline. So, I checked your contract. It was almost time for renewal, so I can let you out of it without charging you anything. I’m really sorry you’re doing this. Are you with another agency now?”
“No. I’m through modeling.”
“What? Why? You’re a natural.”
“Things happened. I can’t model anymore. I’m sorry.”
“Lana?”
“Yes?”
“Are you sure about this? I mean, absolutely sure?”
“I am.”
“What are you going to do with yourself now?”
“That’s something I need to decide. Thank you for the information about my contract. Good-bye.”
She hung up the phone. Her face was starting to hurt so she popped some pills and turned on the television. She awoke a half an hour later, feeling groggy. She decided to go lie down for a while. She slept fitfully and woke up two hours later.
Lana was tired of sleeping her life away, but she needed the pain pills, so she took them. She wasn’t about to let the pain take over. The doctor had advised against just that. So she would continue to take them, even if that meant sleeping for long periods of the day. Besides, what else did she have to do?
She put in a DVD and watched a movie. It was one of her favorites, and she actually laughed out loud at it. It was the first time she had laughed since the incident. And it felt good.
When the movie was over, Lana was feeling hungry again, so looked on her phone for a place that delivered. She was actually in the mood for Chinese again, so she ordered it and sat down with a new movie.
She was about a half hour into it when her doorbell rang. Thankful that her food was there, she opened it. And there stood Ronnie.
“Lana, we need to talk.”
She was staring at the gauze covering Lana’s cheek and neck. Lana tried to close the door, but Ronnie’s foot was in the way. She forced the door open and let herself inside.
“Ronnie, no,” Lana said, but Ronnie wasn’t listening.
“Baby—”
“No. Don’t call me that. I’m not your baby. We’re through.”
“Okay. Fair enough. We’re not an item anymore.”
“Right. And I told you I didn’t want you coming to my house.”
“But I can’t stay away.”
“You need to.” Lana hoped her voice didn’t betray her relief at having Ronnie there.
“You need to let me help you. Who else do you have around here?”
“That’s not important. I can take care of myself just fine.”
“Lana, stop being so stubborn.”
“Look.” She peeled the tape and gauze off her face so Ronnie could see her burns. “This is my reality now. This is what I look like. I’m a freak. You deserve a beautiful woman. I know you feel bad about what happened to me. You blame yourself. I get that. But it’s not your fault. I absolve you, okay? Feel better? Now, go.”
She opened the door for Ronnie to leave and saw a man on the doorstep. It was her dinner. She closed the door after tipping the driver.
“So, my dinner is here. Will you excuse me?”
“No. I need to be sure you’re okay. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Ronnie, please. Don’t you understand? I’m a freak now. You deserve so much better.”
“No. What I do deserve is not to be shut out. It looks to me like you’re at the beginning of a long journey. I really wish you’d allow me to travel it with you.”
“Why are you making this so hard?”
“Because I love you.”
“But you can’t.”
“Don’t tell me how to feel, Lana.”
“I’m sorry. I just can’t be with you anymore.”
“And I can’t accept that. That leaves us at a bit of an impasse.”
“Please, Ronnie. I can’t be with you. You need to move on.”
“I can’t do that, Lana. I just can’t turn off my feelings for you. I love you and want to be with you. Even if you have scars on you. Especially because you have scars.”
“Don’t be that way. I don’t need you to be a martyr. I need you to understand what I’m saying. To pay attention to my wants and needs. And to leave.”
“I’m not being a martyr,” Ronnie said. “I’m just not willing to throw away what we had, have, because of some scars.”
“Ronnie, I don’t want to ask you again. Please leave.”
“Fine, but I’ll be back. Tell me it’s okay to at least check in on you to make sure you’re okay.”
Lana sat silently staring at Ronnie, her mind whirling.
“Sure,” she said. “You can come by to check on me. But don’t do it with the belief that we’ll get back together.”
“Yes, ma’am. I’ll try to remember that.”
Ronnie left and Lana collapsed onto the couch, bawling her eyes out. Denying Ronnie had been the hardest thing she’d ever done. And damn it, she still loved her so.
Chapter Twenty-one
Ronnie got in her truck and drove off. She was filled with mixed emotions. Lana was home from the hospital and doing okay. Overall anyway. Sure, she had those burns, and damn but they looked painful, but outside of that, she was fine. Ronnie was flooded with relief at that fact. But she was bummed that Lana didn’t want to be with her anymore. Ronnie still loved her and needed her. And she didn’t like being turned away. At least Lana had said she could still come by. Maybe she’d
be able to win her heart again.
She stopped by the Chinese restaurant and picked up some food to go, then went home and, for the first time in days, ate with gusto. She actually tasted the food. And it was good. She washed it all down with a beer, then went to the couch to watch some TV.
She began to doze, so she went to bed. She pulled Lana’s pillow close against her and fell sound asleep. She awoke with a smile on her face. She planned to go see Lana after her day at the studio. Lana had agreed to let her do it, and she planned to go every single day until Lana took her back.
Ronnie got ready for her day then headed to the studio. She couldn’t wait to see Devon and tell her the good news. She had another action-packed day planned, but she was used to them now. She made her coffee and had the first shoot all set up by the time Devon showed up.
“Good morning,” Ronnie said.
“You look good. Did you finally get some sleep or something?”
“I saw Lana.”
“You did? That’s awesome. She let you in?”
“Not exactly. She thought I was someone else, so she answered the doorbell. She tried to close the door in my face, but I was too quick.”
“How is she?”
“Overall, she’s okay. But you should see what that bitch Whitney did to her.”
“Did you actually see the burns?’
“Yes. She showed them to me. She thought it would freak me out or disgust me or something.”
“And it didn’t?”
“Well, I’d be lying if I didn’t say they’re pretty gnarly looking.”
“So how are things on the couple front? Did she agree to take you back?”
“Not yet. She thinks she’s not worthy of my love just because she’s got those burns.”
“Oh man, Ronnie. I’m sorry to hear that. For your sake. But then again, like I’ve said, it may all be for the best.”
“No, it’s not for the best. It sucks.” Her suspicions about Devon crept in again.
Their conversation was interrupted when the first model of the day walked out of the dressing room.