Dan instantly picked it up, looking down at the little girl shown there, her dark hair curling round her face, her eyes huge in her thin face, although the smile on her lips did a lot to alleviate her look of illness. ‘Pretty,’ Dan murmured thoughtfully. ‘She has a look of you about her—Hey!’ he protested softly as she snatched this photograph away more vehemently than the others. ‘I was only saying—’
‘She’s my daughter—Lindy.’ Joanna stood up, her agitation making her movements jerky.
‘James told me you’re married,’ Dan nodded. ‘He didn’t say anything about children, though.’
‘That’s because there aren’t any now.’ Her voice was brittle. ‘And there won’t be a husband either after tomorrow.’
The brown eyes darkened with puzzlement. ‘You’re leaving your husband?’ he questioned slowly.
She gave a derisive laugh. ‘He is leaving me,’ she corrected. ‘I’m sorry,’ she sighed, ruffling her blonde hair with a shaking hand. ‘I shouldn’t be bothering you with this, we’ve only just met.’
‘Sometimes it’s easier to talk then,’ he prompted softly. She shook her head. ‘Not for me. Maybe I’ll tell you about it one day,’ she forced a smile to her stiff lips. ‘If I know you long enough.’
‘Oh, you will,’ Dan nodded confidently. ‘The Billy books are going to be as popular as Paddington Bear!’
‘Says you as a critic!’ she teased, angry with herself for letting her cool reserve slip in that way.
‘Says me as the man who has to sit here day after day illustrating kids’ books,’ he corrected dryly. ‘You’ll be around for a long time to come, Joanna Radcliffe.’
‘I’ll see you next week—Dan Cameron,’ she returned lightly, handing him the requested picture of Billy.
The two of them had agreed to meet once a week to monitor Dan’s progress—or lack of it. Although he assured her his illustrations would be fantastic! Strangely enough she believed him.
Dan was unlike any other man she had ever met. Most of Joshua’s friends tended to be on the serious side, while her own male friends amounted to nil. Find yourself a lover, Joshua had told her—but how was she supposed to do that when she didn’t even know any men? Her eyes widened as she looked at Dan.
He glanced up from looking at the picture of Billy, his eyes narrowing. ‘What are you looking at me like that for?’ he asked bluntly.
Hot colour flooded her cheeks, and James Colnbrook would have been very surprised to see how his cool new author could blush so shyly. ‘I—er—I like your teeshirt,’ she invented lamely.
He grinned. “‘I AM A SEX OBJECT”,’ he read. ‘I can get you one like it if you want,’ accepting this as the reason she had been staring at him.
‘Er—no, thanks.’ She could just imagine Joshua’s reaction to her wearing something like that! But Joshua wouldn’t be here to see what she wore after tomorrow. ‘I’ll be shopping myself on Monday, maybe I’ll get one then.’ She smiled to herself at the thought of wearing the casual clothes Dan favoured. Things were certainly going to be different for her the next year!
Dan nodded. ‘And I’ll see you on Wednesday. I’ll look forward to it,’ he added throatily.
So was she, strangely enough. Surely she wasn’t taking seriously that ridiculous notion she had in Dan’s studio? He was attractive enough, very charming too, but just because Joshua had ‘given his permission’ to her finding herself a lover it didn’t mean she had to do just that. This year without a man trying to control her life was going to be heaven, she didn’t intend complicating it with another man, not now, and not for a few years to come either.
She hummed softly to herself on the drive over to her parents’ house that evening, her mother insisting that any farewell party for Joshua would be given at her house and not at Tina’s.
‘You seem happy tonight.’ Joshua glanced over at her in the darkness as he drove them himself.
‘I am,’ she nodded.
Joshua had been his usual self the last six weeks, perhaps spending a little more time than usual at the clinic, although he claimed that this was due to the fact that he wanted to leave everything in order for Patrick to take over from him. Joanna didn’t dispute that, although she had a feeling Angela Hailey might have had something to do with a few of those late evenings.
‘You’re that glad to be rid of me?’ There was a steely edge to his voice.
It wasn’t that she wanted to be rid of Joshua, or that she actually hated him, she knew that now; she just needed to be away from him, to be by herself, to find herself. Joshua wasn’t to blame for the failure of their marriage, she was, and she wanted him now to have whatever was going to make him happy. Angela Hailey seemed to be that.
‘Isn’t the feeling mutual?’ she said lightly.
He drew in a ragged breath, his hands momentarily tightening on the steering-wheel. ‘It’s for the best,’ he nodded. ‘How did the meeting with the illustrator go today?’
Joshua had shown a great deal of interest in her new career, and she had enjoyed disussing it with him the last few weeks. She was going to miss that, at least.
‘Dan seems very nice,’ she told him. ‘And he likes the book.’
‘So did I.’ His praise wasn’t in the least patronising, and she knew he had been genuinely surprised and proud of her work.
He had asked to read the carbon copy of her book several weeks ago, and after protesting loudly at first Joanna had finally allowed him to see it, cringing with embarrassment most of the time he read it, pretending to be busy with a tapestry she was working on, all the time shooting his unrevealing face anxious looks as he said nothing.
Finally he had put the last typewritten sheet down, turning to look at her with eyes glowing with pride and appreciation. The words of praise had been unnecessary after that look, but Joshua had said them anyway.
‘I know you did,’ she said now. ‘But Dan sees hundreds of them, and he still liked it.’
Joshua’s mouth tightened, his expression grim. ‘I see,’ he bit out tautly. ‘Then let’s hope he knows what he’s talking about!’
Her happy mood suddenly faded at his sneering attitude, and she felt something inside her shrivel up and die, accepting once again that she and Joshua couldn’t even communicate on a level of politeness. Oh, they tried, they had really tried this last six weeks, and with a few cutting words Joshua had once again demoralised her. She didn’t need his damned approval anyway, she thought bitterly. He would be gone tomorrow, and then she wouldn’t have to take any more of his disapproving, moralising attitude.
‘Let’s at least try and give the impression we’re still happy together.’ He helped her out of the car when they arrived at her parents’ house.
‘Why bother?’ she sighed. ‘It will be all over London in a few days that I haven’t gone with you.’ She smoothed down her long blue velvet dress.
His mouth tightened. ‘For your mother’s sake let’s just put on a show for this one last night. It will mean a lot to her.’ He looked magnificent in his black evening suit.
Joanna wanted to know when he had suddenly become so concerned about pleasing her mother, but she could only nod in agreement, the frightened child who had become his wife still not erased as she weakly allowed him to take control, his arm about her waist as they entered the house of laughing, excitable people.
Joshua was the loving, attentive husband all evening, so much so that her mother wondered if she weren’t going to America after all.
‘I still think you’re a fool,’ her mother rasped when told that wasn’t the case. ‘You’ll lose him completely.’
‘I’ll bear your advice in mind at the divorce, Mother,’ Joanna answered dryly.
‘There’s never been a divorce in our family!’
Her mouth twisted. ‘It happens in the best of them, Mother,’ she drawled derisively.
‘Oh dear, I don’t know you like this, Joanna,’ her mother sighed. ‘You’re like a stranger.’
‘
That isn’t surprising,’ she said tightly. ‘I am a stranger, to both you and Daddy. I made a mistake in my life, but I don’t intend to continue suffering for that mistake any more.’
‘I thought you said it was a trial separation?’ her mother said sharply.
Joanna blushed, looking away, knowing that she could be separated from Joshua for ten years and still know now that she wanted a divorce. ‘I’m sure you remember your own answer to that,’ she told her mother stiffly, and moved away.
In actual fact no one looking at either herself or Joshua could have guessed that they meant to part the next day; they were more natural with each other tonight than they had been in a long time. Joanna’s mood was so mellow by the time they drove home that she thought nothing of Joshua’s request that they have a nightcap together in the lounge, where a fire was burning in the hearth.
‘I’ve arranged for Mrs Barnaby to continue to keep the house prepared for our use,’ he handed her the glass of white wine she had asked for, sitting next to her on the sofa. ‘So if you would like to come back here at any time—’
‘I don’t envisage that happening,’ she shook her head, her hair very blonde against the dark material of her dress.
‘No, possibly not,’ he agreed distantly. ‘I know you’ve preferred not to discuss these things, Joanna, but I just want you to know that everything has been taken care of while I’m away. The bills will be paid by the bank, the—’
‘I’m not really interested, Joshua,’ she told him huskily. ‘Not just now.’ For the first time in months she could feel his physical pull on her, could feel her senses leap at how darkly attractive he was, how strong and capable his hands, hands that knew how to caress her to mindless pleasure, the lean strength of his body just as versed in showing that pleasure!
The eroticism of her thoughts made her turn away in confusion. She hadn’t thought of Joshua in this physical way for months, had remembered only his arrogance and coldness, his ruthlessness when it came to something he wanted. But she thought of him now, of all the nights they had given themselves to each other, of the burning caresses that reduced her bones to jelly, of the way Joshua’s lips and tongue knew every inch of her body, of how he was leaving her tomorrow…
‘Joanna?’ Joshua was frowning at her bent head, although a fire blazed deep in his eyes as she looked up and he could see the languorous longing in her eyes. ‘Joanna!’ he rasped, putting his glass down to take hers out of her hand and place it next to his own on the coffee table. ‘Darling…?’ he questioned, his hands on her shoulders bringing her hard against him.
She swallowed hard, not at all sure what was happening to her, the ache in her body deepening until it was almost a pain.
Her eyes widened as Joshua’s mouth came down gently on hers, the movement of lips against lips slow and questioning, probing the edge of her teeth, smoothly searching out almost-forgotten pleasures as she allowed him access to the deep warmth of her mouth.
There was none of her usual panic at having him this close to her, and as his mouth travelled slowly to her ear, biting on the lobe, she gave a low groan in her throat, her arms moving up his chest and over his shoulders as she hungrily caressed the dark hair at his nape.
Joshua moaned as she caressed his chest beneath his shirt, her avid fingers having unbuttoned it down to his navel, loving the feel of the silky hair that covered most of his body. ‘Joanna—’
‘No, don’t talk,’ she put silencing fingertips to his lips. ‘I don’t want to talk any more tonight, it’s too late for that.’
‘But—’
‘Just let our bodies do the talking.’ She took his hand and placed it on her breast, her nipple tautening at the unaccustomed feel of his thumbtip moving against the sensitive flesh. ‘That’s right,’ she gasped as her excitement grew. ‘Oh, Joshua,’ she groaned as the ache in her body grew into a flame. ‘You always did know how to arouse me!’ Her eyes were closed as he slid the zip of her dress down her spine, pushing the material down to her waist, her breasts now bared to his questing tongue and teeth, a fact he took full advantage of.
His lips roamed sensuously around the taut peak of her breast, soft and warm as they encountered the hardened nipple, the gentle nip of his teeth causing her to shudder with pleasure.
When he stood up she felt bereft, holding out her arms to him in silent pleading, not caring in that moment that he was leaving her tomorrow, that he had a mistress, a woman who had shared this warmth with him for the last six months. She wanted him, needed him, he couldn’t leave her now!
He threw off his jacket and bow tie, leaving his shirt loose as he moved to close the door, turning the key in the lock, extinguishing the lights so that only the warm glow of the fire lit his way back to her. He pulled her effortlessly to her feet in front of him, sliding the dress the rest of the way down her body, only her lace panties covering her nakedness now.
Joshua’s breath seemed to catch in his throat as he looked down at her, at her proudly thrusting breasts, her tautly flat stomach, the mound of her womanhood soft against the silky blue panties, her legs long and shapely, her shoes kicked off long ago. ‘You’re the most exciting woman I’ve ever seen,’ he told her gruffly; his hand trembling slightly as it moved over the soft invitation of her breast, fingers touching delicately as they moved to take off her last piece of clothing.
Joanna’s hands weren’t idle either, removing his shirt from widely muscled shoulders, her lips caressing the salty hardness of his chest, feeling his indrawn breath as she slowly unzipped his trousers to remove them completely, her position on her knees in front of him subservient to an onlooker, but she knew that she was the one in control as she began to kiss him, his rasped shuddering breaths telling her that he was almost at the end of his endurance of such intimate kisses.
He fell to his knees beside her in front of the fire, the scene so poignant of another memorable one that with a choked cry she joined her body with his, instantly feeling the spasms of pleasure shoot through his body, knowing that the release she was already experiencing wasn’t far off for Joshua either, that their desire for each other had been denied for so long it was rocketing out of contol, and taking them with it.
With a final groan of aching desire Joshua took her into the whirlpool of sensual delight, the two of them clinging to each other as they were tossed and torn in the desire of their making, their breathing ragged as the storm slowly quietened.
It had been so long for Joanna since she had known that true wonder, so long since her body had found that release in true satiation, that within seconds she had fallen asleep in Joshua’s arms, feeling secure there, safe.
It was the unfamiliarity of a male body in the bed beside her that woke her later in the night, Joshua’s hand possessive on her breast, tightening as he felt her move.
She turned in the haven of his arms, those same arms that had carried her up the stairs some time in the night. His dark hair was tousled from sleep, his eyes luminous as he opened heavy lids to look at her. What he saw in her face obviously satisfied him, as with a growl of intent he captured her mouth with his.
This time the loving was slow, their need not so intense, although their passion was. They rediscovered all the pleasure spots their haste the previous evening hadn’t allowed for, and by the time Joshua’s thrusting body finally claimed hers she was already bathed in a glow of sensual satisfaction.
She cradled him to her this time as he fell asleep, knowing they had reopened a closeness between them that would bind them together in spite of their other differences. Those other differences had never seemed to matter in the past, not when they could be close like this.
She slept with a feeling of well-being for the first time in months, her last thoughts ones of how she could possibly be ready to leave with Joshua for America in the morning. She would manage it somehow.
But there was no need to manage anything the next morning. It was after ten when she finally woke up, and Joshua had already left—with Angel
a.
CHAPTER SIX
‘COME on, cheer up,’ Dan encouraged. ‘How am I supposed to sketch you when you look so miserable?’
Joanna sighed, making an effort to look more relaxed, although in reality she was as tense as a coiled spring. ‘You aren’t supposed to be sketching me at all,’ she told him irritably. ‘We’re supposed to be completing the fourth Billy book.’
‘All in good time,’ he soothed. ‘All in good time. And didn’t I tell you how popular the Billy books were going to be?’ he added knowingly.
‘Yes,’ she acknowledged dryly.
She had become good friends with Dan the last year, had come to rely on his friendship a great deal, having somehow felt lost and betrayed after Joshua left so abruptly. She had thought—assumed, after the night they had just spent together, that Joshua would want to resume their marriage, to have her accompany him to the States after all. His departure without her had given her all the answer she needed.
It had been a long year since his departure, acknowledging to herself, and accepting, that she still loved him, that the idea of her taking a lover was ludicrous.
But if she hadn’t taken his advice and found herself a lover she had grown in a lot of other ways. She had written another two Billy books that James Colnbrook had put through for publishing, had learnt to live alone, and be alone, in her flat, to surround herself with the things she liked and felt comfortable with, having had Dan’s help with the decorating.
Dan had turned out to be as nice a man as she had thought he was, and after his first couple of passes had got him nowhere he had decided to just be her friend, helping her all he could in her new life, taking her out and introducing her to his friends, making them her friends. And over a bottle of wine in his flat one evening she had even told him about Lindy. He had been her true friend since that night, the quiet way he had listened and not attempted to probe even making her love him a little, although she wasn’t in love with him.
About Joshua she told him nothing—not of their marriage, of that last night together, or of the fact that she still loved her husband. It had come as a shock to her to realise that she loved Joshua, that he was the only man she ever would love, that last night spent in his arms having banished for ever the wall she had put about her emotions the night Lindy died. She knew now that she had never hated Joshua, had only shut him and the love she felt for him out of her life, and the tumbling of her defences had once again left her vulnerable to hurt by him.
The Failed Marriage (Presents Plus) Page 9