Trust Me, I’m a Personal Trainer

by Sam Derbyshire

  “Here, you look like you could do with this,” she said, smiling at him. “That was tough, wasn’t it?”

  Kyle, not used to anyone caring about him, smiled back. “Thanks,” he replied, still trying to get his breath back to some semblance of normality. “Yeah, bloody tough, and this is the easy class. I wonder what they do in the next class?”

  “Oh I’m sure you’ll find out soon enough,” replied Maggie encouragingly, as Kyle wiped his face and neck with the tissue, “the way you’re going, you’ll be in the next group in no time.”

  Kyle took a swig of water and smiled to himself. It was the sort of thing his mum would have said, always encouraging him to try hard. But he’d let her down big time over the last few years, as well as himself.

  “Thanks,” he replied again, “I’m sure you will too.”

  “Well I hope so,” said Maggie, “although I’m not sure your new admirer will, poor girl looks as though she’s about to expire.”

  Not wanting to catch her eye again, Kyle looked nervously along the line of gasping trainees. Poor Gemma was sitting on the bench, her head between her knees. Thor, ever encouraging, was talking to her gently as he held her water bottle.

  “Oh dear, I hope she’s not going to be sick,” whispered Maggie, “and it’s all your fault, she’s probably only here because of you, you heartbreaker you.” Winking at him, Maggie gave him a wry smile. “The things women do for love. We’re our own worst enemies sometimes.”

  Kyle didn’t reply and wondered for a moment whether he should go over to her. Maggie was right, she wouldn’t be here if he hadn’t encouraged her. He certainly didn’t want to be responsible for her keeling over, but he didn’t want to encourage her either. She was sweet and pretty, and she obviously liked him enough to put herself through hell, but at the moment his goal had to be Kelsey. It was the goal that was keeping him going.

  * * *

  With Gemma feeling semi-human again, Thor took out his phone as he let them all take a breather before the cool-down. He needed to change the music but he couldn’t help glancing at his messages. Surprisingly, there were no messages from Jess and, annoyed with himself for allowing her to get under his skin, he quickly returned to the playlist. Why was he still checking for messages from her? It was completely pointless. He really needed to find someone else and move on. Glancing around the room, he looked for possibilities. There were a couple that had potential; maybe if he went for someone who understood what he did, he might have a chance. The girl with dark hair looked alright, she had a nice smile and she’d given him “the look” a few times, the look that said, I actually find you very attractive and I’m available. Maybe he’d offer her a free trial training session next week. He’d learn more about her in a one-hour session than he’d ever find out in a bar or online; he’d try and catch her at the end. Thor scrolled through his playlist to find a tune that didn’t remind him of Jess and, smiling at the girl with dark hair, he turned up the volume, dimmed the lights and allowed everyone to relax.

  CHAPTER 30

  “Is it ready?” said Rachael chirpily as she walked into the kitchen. “It’s so lovely having my dinner cooked for me. Thanks, pet.”

  “I’ve cooked your dinner before,” said Rex, pouring himself a glass of water.

  “When?” replied Rachael.

  “I cooked spaghetti bolognese when you twisted your ankle.”

  “Rex, that was nine years ago. Good god, is that water you’re drinking?”

  Rachael looked at him, he never drank water. In Rex’s world it was either alcohol or black coffee; his kidneys wouldn’t know what water was unless it contained whisky. Rex looked sheepish. He needed to be careful.

  “I’m thirsty! It’s been hot out there today, I’m not used to it.”

  Rachael continued to stare at him. He was definitely up to something. She knew when he was lying, she’d become an expert at it. Sitting down at the table, Rachael poured herself a glass of water and Amy, busy dishing up the rice, continued to chat, desperately keen to prevent any confrontation and take any tension out of what she clearly hoped would be a pleasant family meal.

  “So, what did you get at the shops, Dad, anything nice? Were you clothes shopping?” she asked innocently. Rex looked uncomfortable as, once again, Rachael fixed him with a steely gaze.

  “Oh nothing much, just a few bits and pieces,” he replied, taking his phone out of his pocket and pretending to check for messages.

  “Like what?” continued Amy. “Come on, don’t be so mysterious, if you bought clothes I want to see.” Rachael was enjoying this; he definitely looked shifty. Amy put the bowl of rice in the middle of the table and then followed it up with the pan of chickpea curry. Rachael tried not to smile as Rex looked at it nervously. Amy sat down.

  “Well isn’t this nice?” she said enthusiastically.

  “Lovely,” said Rex, eager to change the subject. “You should come home more often, sweetheart. Your mother never cooks for me anymore.”

  Rachael rolled her eyes and sighed. He just couldn’t help himself. Why couldn’t he think before he opened his mouth.

  “Well, if you were ever here, I might bother. When was the last time you were home before eight? I gave up cooking for you a long time ago. The bin’s seen more of your dinner than you have.”

  “Curry, Dad?” intervened Amy.

  “Thanks, pet, just a wee bit to start with,” Rex replied cautiously. Rachael continued to watch him and, sensing a nervousness, continued with the interrogation.

  “So come on, tell us what you were buying in JD Sports. I saw the bags in your room.”

  “A sports shop?” laughed Amy. “Dad, are you trying to keep up with Mum?”

  Rex was annoyed with himself. He obviously hadn’t hidden the bags very well. Bloody Rachael, she seemed to have a sixth sense when it came to any attempt at subterfuge.

  “Oh come on, that’s a bit rich, Rach, I don’t go rummaging in your shopping bags. Snooping’s not an attractive trait in a woman.”

  Rachael laughed and folded her arms. “Oh and, of course, getting pissed every night and generally being a dickhead is a very attractive trait in a man? If you must know, I wasn’t snooping, I just saw the bags and thought it might be stuff to throw out.”

  Rex took a mouthful of curry and tried not to grimace. Christ, how did people live on this stuff?

  “So why have you bought trainers?” continued Rachael. She was determined to get to the bottom of it.

  Rex swallowed.

  “We’re starting an after-work indoor football league.”

  “Football?” said Rachael in disbelief. “When did you ever play football? The last time you probably played football you hadn’t started shaving. Christ, Rex, do you seriously think you’re going to be able to play a game of football without having a heart attack?”

  “I’ll be fine, thanks, I know what I’m doing, it’s just a bit of fun,” replied Rex, trying to sound convincing.

  “Well I hope you’re well insured, Dad,” added Amy. “You’ll need to be careful if you haven’t exercised in a while. Mum’s right, it could actually be quite dangerous because it’s bound to get competitive and—”

  “Look, I said I’ll be fine, OK?” said Rex firmly. “I won’t go mad, it’s just a few lads from work and a couple of the golf boys.”

  Rachael took another mouthful of curry; it really was very tasty. “So who’s going then? Are Steve and Mike going? Steve will be alright as he’s pretty fit but Mike smokes like a bloody chimney, he’ll be gasping after five minutes too.”

  “No, I said it’s just a few lads from work.”

  “And some of the golf boys, you said some of the golf boys were going,” replied Rachael.

  “Did I?” said Rex. Sometimes he worried himself, he couldn’t remember saying anything about the golf boys. He hadn’t even had a drink.

  “Is Callum going?”

  “Maybe,” he said nervously, desperately trying to avoid eye contact. He reali
sed he’d already said too much. Callum would kill him.

  “Oh for God’s sake, I don’t believe this. Is this because me and Maggie are trying to get fit?”

  “No, it’s just a bloke thing.”

  “It is, isn’t it? You are unbelievable, Rex, it’s quite ridiculous.”

  Rex couldn’t look at her.

  “Well not really, Mum. You’ve obviously inspired Dad to try and get fit too. That’s a good thing, isn’t it?”

  “Exactly,” said Rex, wondering why on earth he’d agreed to eat this hideous bloody curry. “You’ve inspired me, Rach, if you can do it so can I. Give me a few weeks and I’ll be back to the hot hunk of love that I used to be.”

  “Oh in your dreams,” glared Rachael. “I don’t remember you ever being a hot hunk of anything.” Rachael took another mouthful of curry. She couldn’t wait to tell Maggie.

  “And did you try those lovely orange shorts on?” continued Rachael, unable to resist.

  “Didn’t have time,” mumbled Rex, realising suddenly that his purchases may have been a little hasty.

  “Obviously,” replied Rachael. “Do you seriously still think you’re a medium?”

  “Christ, you did have a good rummage. Yes I’ve always been a medium. I think I know what size I am.”

  “Is that right?” said Rachael, putting down her fork and sitting back in her chair. “Well I think you may be wrong there, sunshine, and I’m prepared to put a pretty hefty bet on that they won’t last past half-time, if you can actually get them on in the first place. The last time I saw shorts like that was in a Wham! video and the blue vest top is particularly attractive, very gut-hugging.” And as Rachael and Amy giggled conspiratorially, Rex decided that Callum Dunbar was going to have to seriously pay him back for this.

  “Have you really bought orange shorts, Dad? Are they like, short shorts?” Amy grimaced.

  “I suppose they’re pretty short,” mumbled Rex.

  “And tight,” added Rachael. “His lily-white legs will look just fabulous. No wonder they were in the sale, no one else in their right mind would have bought them.”

  Amy felt sorry for him.

  “I think we should leave him alone now, Mum. At least he’s trying, aren’t you, Dad, I mean, he’s even drinking water tonight.”

  “Well he should be,” said Rachael, refilling his glass. “He’s an elite athlete now.”

  “Yes, leave me alone,” said Rex, irritated. “I didn’t take the piss out of you in your bloody stupid bright-pink leggings, did I?”

  “No, but you laughed when I said I’d started going to a personal trainer. I think you said something about a mid-life crisis and that I’d be a laughing stock; funny how you’ve changed your mind now, isn’t it? Has Callum told Maggie he’s going?”

  “I don’t know,” mumbled Rex. “It’s none of my business.”

  “Oh I can’t wait to tell her,” grinned Rachael, “and I’d just love to be a fly on the wall tomorrow afternoon. What time’s kick-off?”

  Ignoring her, Rex washed down another mouthful of curry with a glass of Glasgow’s finest tap water, and as Rachael got up to refill the jug, he had an ominous feeling that Callum’s cunning plan was about to go horribly wrong.

  CHAPTER 31

  Dragging himself back up to a standing position after the cool-down, Kyle glanced around the gym. Gemma was still sitting on the floor, she looked exhausted. He couldn’t leave without speaking to her, he couldn’t be that unkind. Walking over to her, he offered her his hand.

  “Come on, you’ll feel better once you stand up,” he said. “It’s not easy, is it?”

  Gemma looked shell-shocked, but taking his hand she was grateful for the assistance.

  “Oh my god, I thought I was going to die,” she said, groaning as Kyle pulled her to her feet. “Mo’s gone home, she only made it halfway through, she’s got a dodgy hip.”

  “Well that was maybe a bit daft coming to this class then. Anyway, are you OK now?”

  “Yeah, I think so,” replied Gemma, “I still feel a bit wobbly, but I’m sure I’ll be fine.”

  “Did you drive?”

  “Yeah, thank god. I’ve got to go over to the shop to get some stuff for dinner, do you need to get anything this evening? Maybe you could help me get some healthy stuff.”

  “I can’t tonight,” Kyle lied, “I’ve got a friend coming round.”

  “Is that your girlfriend?” asked Gemma, looking crestfallen.

  “No, just a friend,” replied Kyle, wishing he was tough enough to lie again, but he knew what unrequited love felt like. The poor girl looked drained.

  “Oh come on,” he said, “I’ve got half an hour. I’ll come over to the shop with you although I’m no expert, I’ve only just started this healthy eating stuff so don’t moan if you don’t like anything. It won’t be pizza and chips.”

  “I know,” said Gemma, her mood suddenly lifting. “I’ve been to slimming club but if you tell me what to get, I’ll make sure I eat it. I really do want to lose some weight, you know, I just need a bit of help.” Kyle could tell she was genuine; she was a female version of himself. She obviously couldn’t afford to go to Thor, so if he could pass anything on he’d learned, it might help her.

  “Right, lead the way,” he said kindly. “If you buy my shopping too, do I get discount?”

  “Of course,” smiled Gemma, picking up her bag, but as Kyle held open the door for her, he wondered what on earth he had just let himself in for.

  * * *

  As Maggie turned out of the car park, her phone rang. It was Rachael.

  “Hi, Mags.”

  “Hello, darling,” she replied enthusiastically, still high on endorphins, “how are you? The class was great fun tonight, I’m definitely improving, well apart from the sit-ups. How was it today?”

  “Great,” said Rachael. “I got to kick and punch the hell out of Thor, well the boxing pads actually, he told me to visualise that it was Rex’s head. It was brilliant, I never realised I was so angry and I’ve lost two kilograms, so I’m feeling quite pleased with myself.”

  “Oh well done, you. See, it does work. How’s the diet going?”

  Rachael remembered Gwen’s cake, but decided not to mention it.

  “Yeah, pretty good, having Amy cooking is helping; this vegan thing is actually quite good, a lot of it is low calorie. Anyway, forget that, I’ve got something hilarious to tell you. Rex and Callum are starting indoor football.”

  “Football?” shrieked Maggie. “Callum’s never played football in his life. Are you sure?”

  “Definitely. Rex came home with shopping bags, and when I had a wee peek he had trainers, a hideous pair of shorts and a top that no one else in their right mind would have bought. When I quizzed him over dinner, he owned up to starting football. He said Callum’s going too but he seems to be the only one; Steve and Mike aren’t going, just those two. I think they’re trying to keep up with us. He looked very shifty. He was obviously trying to keep it a secret as he tried to hide the bags.”

  “Are you sure? Callum will never handle it.”

  “Well neither will Rex, but he’s not listening. Honestly, it’s so pathetic, especially after the lecture he gave me on being a laughing stock and having a mid-life crisis.”

  “Quite,” replied Maggie, trying to come to terms with Callum taking up football. She would need to check his insurance policy. “Well, I’ll try a bit of interrogating myself when I get home, see what he has to say for himself. I wonder if he’s been shopping too; he’ll have had to as he doesn’t possess a pair of trainers.”

  “Honestly, you should see what Rex has bought: bright orange shorts, which’ll be far too tight as he still reckons he’s a medium, and the most godawful vest top thing which will show off his gut. It would look fabulous on Thor, but Rex isn’t Thor, is he?”

  “Nor is Callum. I would love to go and watch, did they say where the were going?”

  “No,” replied Rachael, “but I don’t think I
asked, to be honest, I was too busy taking the piss. All he said was it was after work tomorrow.”

  “I’ll try and find out,” said Maggie. “Does Rex know that you’re telling me?”

  “Yeah, so he’ll be expecting you to know, so do let me know what he says. Anyway, better go, Amy’s made a vegan pudding so I’d better go and try it. Rex even drank water and ploughed his way through a spinach and chick pea curry tonight, as if one healthy meal is going to make any difference. You could see he hated it, it gave me so much pleasure.”

  “And it’s going to give me even more pleasure watching Callum squirm when I try and wheedle things out of him. If I find out where they’re playing I’ll call you, we’ll try and sneak in and watch them suffer. Anyway, I’ll let you go, let’s speak later and well done again on your two kilos, I just hope I’ve lost some too after all this.”

  “Oh I’m sure you will have,” replied Rachael, “you’re bound to have lost more than me. OK, speak later, bye.”

  And as Rachael hung up, Maggie immediately turned her attention to the forthcoming interview of her husband. He’d be prepared; Rex would have called him. It would be fascinating to see his reaction. She would definitely check his insurance policy though. If he did expire, she’d be hoping for a good pay-out.

  * * *

  With Rachael upstairs, Rex locked himself in the downstairs toilet and called Callum. Callum, busy rummaging in his dressing room drawers, looking for something sporty, was flustered.

  “Hello, Callum Dunbar,” he said curtly.

  “Dunbar, it’s me, Rex.”

  “Why are you whispering? I can hardly hear you.”

  “Because I’m in the toilet and I don’t want Rachael to hear me. She knows about the football.”

  “What football?” replied Callum, confused.

  “You told me to tell her we were going to football if she asked; she found my trainers and stuff so I had to tell her we were going to football like you said.”

  “Why did you mention me? You should have just said it was a work thing, she’ll be really suspicious now.” Callum was exasperated. Rex couldn’t be trusted to do anything right; he should have known better.