The Man You Meet in Heaven: An absolutely feel-good romantic comedy

by Debbie Viggiano

‘I’m truly sorry your trip to the supermarket was so rudely interrupted,’ he continued, ‘but rest assured, you haven’t died.’

  I stared at him, feeling a mix of bewilderment at what was happening, and relief at being told I hadn’t died.

  ‘So… so am I dreaming?’

  ‘No. This place is real, but you can only access it when asleep or unconscious.’

  I sighed gustily, struggling to take on board what he was saying, such was the relief of being told my life wasn’t over, even if it had suddenly gone topsy-turvy. Thank you, God. Thank-you-thank-you-thank-you.

  ‘Please can you send me back to Tesco?’

  ‘In a bit,’ he said, giving my hands a reassuring squeeze, which sent some fresh zingers up my spine. It was a good thing I was sitting down because this guy’s presence had reduced my knees to the substance of Tesco’s tiramisu. ‘The reason you’re here, Hattie, is because the Powers That Be have seen fit to interrupt your life. You wandered off the path you were meant to be following, so I was assigned to bring you here to explain a few things.’

  ‘And where exactly is “here”?’ I quavered.

  ‘You’re in God’s Halfway Lounge.’

  I had to resist an urge not to laugh. Wow, this dream was getting funkier by the moment.

  ‘I’m not sure I believe in God,’ I said, more to myself than Josh.

  Sure, like many people, I occasionally flung a prayer heavenwards. It was usually along the lines of: Dear God, please get the car through its MOT. Or: Dear God, please can I win the lottery? More recently it had been: Dear God, please can you get me out of a date with Mark Jackson? But we all did that, didn’t we? It didn’t mean we truly believed in a heavenly superpower.

  ‘Take it from me, the Boss is real all right.’

  I snorted. ‘So what exactly is the Boss’s Halfway Lounge?’

  I looked around the sumptuous room with its incredible view.

  ‘It’s somewhere between Earth and Heaven. A resting place, if you like. Some people refer to being here as a near-death experience. Others think of it as a dream. Either way, you’re going to be here for a while.’

  ‘Oh no I’m not. I’ve told you, I need to go home and let Buddy out—’

  ‘Rest assured that the concept of time here is very different to that on Earth. What seem like great chunks of hours here, are only fractions of seconds in your world.’

  ‘Listen, Josh, I’m not stopping here for another minute, never mind hours on end,’ I protested.

  ‘Then the sooner you understand and act upon why you’re here, the sooner you can return.’

  ‘I’m all ears,’ I said sarcastically.

  ‘Good. Let me explain. When your marriage broke up, you made a vow never to get involved with another man again.’

  ‘That’s right,’ I whispered.

  How the heck did he know that?

  ‘I know everything about you, Hattie.’

  I gulped. Okay, he was mind-reading again. I hoped to goodness he wasn’t reading my soul too, because it had some very dark depths.

  He smiled reassuringly. ‘There are other vows too, Hattie, like learning to forgive others, and to forgive yourself. But the vow about never getting involved with a man again has proven so powerful, it’s interfered with you falling in love again.’

  ‘But I don’t want to fall in love again.’

  ‘We all need to love, Hattie. Living without love is like trying to live without food and water. Love is the Universe’s Law.’

  ‘I have all the love I need,’ I retorted indignantly. ‘I’m showered with love from my parents and son.’

  ‘You need unconditional love.’

  ‘My dog loves me unconditionally,’ I said, my tone stubborn.

  ‘I know Buddy does,’ Josh replied. I had a feeling he was laughing at me now. His eyes were twinkling merrily, which was doing rather strange things to my pulse. ‘But despite Buddy being a slave to your every mood, unfortunately pets don’t count. Love is a tough lesson, but it’s something we all must learn as we pass through life. You are here to undo old vows. Destiny decrees you are given a second chance to love.’

  I tutted, and decided to humour Josh.

  ‘Righty-ho. And how, pray tell, is this vow going to be eradicated and Mr Right capture my heart?’

  ‘It’s quite simple,’ Josh said, his tone matter-of-fact. But I wasn’t at all prepared for his answer which, when it came, had me instantly recoiling in horror. ‘We’re going to review your life.’

  Five

  I stared at Josh, eyes wide with fear. I didn’t want to review my life. And I certainly didn’t want somebody else reviewing it with me. Whether they were real or part of a dream. It was simply not on. It was an invasion of privacy, that’s what it was!

  ‘Don’t distress yourself, Hattie,’ Josh cajoled. He was still holding my hands and gave them a reassuring squeeze. Once again my heart did some skippy beats, despite my brain screaming at the very idea of dredging up the past. ‘We’ll do this together; you’ll be guided every step of the way.’

  I shook my head. ‘I don’t want you to be with me.’

  ‘But if I’m not with you, how else would you review your life?’ he asked gently.

  ‘I… I’ll do it when I’m back home. Promise,’ I nodded, as if I was talking to one of my old teachers, and back in Lower Three again. Yes, Miss Osbourne, I promise I’ll do my homework tonight. This was surely the same sort of thing, but in a reflective way. ‘I’ll sit down in front of the fire and have a good think about things. And I’ll make sure the telly is turned down,’ I nodded again.

  ‘Unfortunately the type of life review that has been decreed for you is beyond mulling things over, Hattie, and you know that in your heart.’

  I inwardly squirmed. Did this man really know everything about me? He couldn’t possibly. It was preposterous.

  ‘Are you an angel?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘A guide?’

  Josh smiled. ‘I’m not meant to tell you too much about myself.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘Laws.’

  ‘What laws?’

  ‘Heavenly laws, of course. And karma,’ he added mysteriously.

  I gulped. Karma? Why would karma be involved? I wasn’t a murderer. Or a thief. I’d never stolen anything. Apart from a packet of sweets from the local corner shop when I was five years old. But it would be ridiculous if that counted! Wouldn’t it?

  ‘Karma is the law of cause and effect,’ Josh explained, ‘and it’s very real. You need to right a major wrong, Hattie. Something momentous. And I’m not talking about stealing a bag of chocolate buttons.’

  I flushed to my roots and wished this man didn’t have the ability to read my thoughts.

  ‘You know what I’m talking about, don’t you?’ he prodded.

  ‘I-I’m not sure,’ I stuttered, my frazzled emotions starting to collapse upon themselves, like a blanket being folded tighter and tighter before being crammed into a storage box and shoved out of sight. ‘Look, before I agree to anything, J-Josh,’ I stuttered, ‘I absolutely insist on knowing more about you. If you’re not an angel or a guide or some mythical being, then what are you?’

  ‘Okay,’ Josh nodded, ‘that’s a fair question and one that I can give some sort of answer to.’

  ‘Please,’ I said, looking at him expectantly.

  ‘As such, I’m a representative. I’m here, with you, on behalf of the person you’re meant to be living the rest of your life with.’

  I stared at him. ‘What person?’

  ‘I can’t tell you that.’

  Oh, for…

  ‘So, so, you mean, you’re that person’s guide?’

  ‘There are no easy answers to what you’re asking, Hattie, because invariably one question’s answer will simply lead to a whole host of interrogations which will make your brain boggle. I could attempt explaining things, but it would probably take two thousand years, and I thought you wanted to get back to let
your dog out for a wee?’

  I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out.

  ‘At this level of consciousness it would be too complicated to work with your own guide. Instead you have me. A co-ordinator. Let’s focus on the three things you need to learn before you return home.’

  ‘Which are?’

  He smiled kindly, and his eyes crinkled attractively at the sides. He really was very good-looking. But I wasn’t finding myself attracted to him just because of his appearance. Mentally, Josh was stimulating. He was making me think. I loved that he knew things about ‘the Boss’ and the universe and karma and… well, just fascinating stuff that nobody I’d ever met could offer a sensible opinion about. I listened intently to what he was saying.

  ‘Okay, three things. Firstly, trust. Secondly, allowing yourself to believe the unbelievable. Thirdly, falling in love.’

  Those last three words had me rolling my eyes.

  ‘You sound like my mother,’ I said, cranking up a smile.

  ‘Then she must be a wise lady,’ he retorted. ‘We might as well crack on with the first lesson,’ he smiled, pulling me to my feet. I stared up at him and, for a moment, suddenly felt a bit shy. My goodness he was tall. I was no shorty myself, but he towered over me. I’d never had to lift my lips to a man’s before because I’d always pretty much been the same height as them, Nick included. But if I were to kiss Josh it would mean – for the first time ever – tipping my head back. I felt myself go a bit pink. Why was I thinking about kissing a man who lived in another world which, anyway, thanks to a bump on the head, was nothing more than dreams and make-believe?

  ‘I didn’t quite get all that,’ said Josh, interrupting my musings, ‘because I guess some of it was private.’

  ‘All my thoughts are private!’ I said indignantly.

  ‘What a shame,’ he said playfully, holding my gaze longer than was strictly necessarily.

  Oh my goodness, was he flirting? Don’t be ridiculous, Hattie. He guided me by the elbow across the room to the enormous window.

  ‘As I said before,’ he continued, ‘this place is not a world of dreams and make-believe. It is the Halfway Lounge, and it’s real.’

  When I’d been sitting on the sofa, I had presumed the window to have a glass pane, but now I could see there was none. It was possible to walk straight out onto the veranda, which we did. Even though the backdrop was snow-capped mountains, the temperature was mild. A whisper of wind lifted the hair around my neck, its touch as light as a caress. Despite the bizarreness of my situation, I could feel myself relaxing. This place reminded me of a village I’d once visited in Switzerland… all gigantic fir trees sprinkled with the feeling of Christmas. However, my gut instinct was to remind myself this whole experience was nothing more than fanciful imagination.

  Suddenly the piercing blue eyes were boring into mine.

  ‘Are you ready for your first lesson, Hattie?’

  I stared at him blankly.

  ‘Trust,’ he reminded. ‘Do you feel you can trust me?’

  Yes, I did feel Josh was trustworthy, but I wasn’t so readily going to tell him that. After all, I didn’t know him. Not properly. His eyes were distracting me. They were like two chips of aquamarine, flecked with amber and grey.

  ‘How can I possibly answer that question when I don’t know you?’

  ‘Open your mind, Hattie, and open your heart too. What is your inner voice telling you?’

  Inner voice? What was this man on about?

  ‘I’m “on about” getting in touch with your feelings,’ he said, sounding like a slightly exasperated school teacher.

  I put my hands up in the air. ‘Okay, okay. I’m doing my best to understand. My general “feeling” is that you seem like a pleasant person. I’m not getting any bad vibes, if that’s what you mean.’

  ‘Excellent, now hold that thought,’ he said, looking pleased, ‘because vibes are very important. People refer to good vibes and bad vibes all the time, especially in relation to other people. Trust that instinct. But right now, I want you to trust me. Do you think you can?’

  I looked at him. No alarm bells were ringing. No claxons going off. Nothing was telling me to put as much distance as possible between us.

  ‘Yes, I trust you.’

  ‘You’re not convincing me,’ Josh laughed, revealing beautifully white straight teeth. ‘There’s time to develop trust, but you’ve made a tentative step in the right direction. Let’s see how much you trust me right now.’ And with that, he jumped up onto the veranda’s rail.

  ‘What are you doing?’ I shrieked with alarm as he flung his hands out, like a tight-rope walker, balancing himself.

  ‘Get up here with me,’ he instructed.

  ‘Not blooming likely,’ I replied, backing smartly away. ‘You’re mad. Absolutely barking.’

  ‘You just said you trusted me.’

  ‘What’s that got to do with standing on a veranda rail?’ I protested. ‘For heaven’s sake, Josh, if you fall—’

  ‘I’ll what? Get hurt? Plunge to my death? That’s not going to happen. This isn’t Earth.’

  I stared, thoroughly confused. Things were going from the bizarre to the downright ludicrous. One minute I was shopping in Tesco, minding my own business, the next I was goodness only knows where with a gorgeous stranger wanting me to stand on the balcony rail of a tall building and all without a safety net. But he was right about one thing. I couldn’t die if I was dreaming – and my brain refused to accept this experience as anything other than some sort of wild imagining. I was suddenly reminded of a nightmare that periodically troubled me. Running away from someone… being chased through the corridors of sleep… being screamed at… someone calling me a wicked liar and demanding that a secret – buried deep in my soul – be revealed… that it spurt out like blood from a deep wound. In the nightmare I would run and run, feet pounding through a maze of anxiety until, sweating and terrified, my body would jerk upright in bed, heart hammering wildly. Similarly, what was happening now must be one of those moments. Perhaps I would stand on the veranda’s rail, watch the ground below tilt as dizziness took hold, which would be the trigger to me shooting upright in bed at home, whereupon everything would turn out to have been a nightmare. Perhaps I’d never even gone to Tesco? Maybe the supermarket was part of this wacky dream? Yes, that must be it. How stupid of me. I’d probably even dreamt the bit about Fin coming into the kitchen while I’d been talking to Mum. In which case I was now getting to the bit of the dream where wakefulness was only moments away. Hurrah!

  Certain that this was the case, I darted forward and scrambled rather clumsily onto the balcony rail. Thank goodness I was wearing trainers that, if I assumed a ballerina’s first position, fitted neatly within the wooden rail’s width. Slowly straightening up, I stared triumphantly at Josh.

  ‘There!’ I beamed, before daring to look down. Flipping heck, the ground seemed miles away. Vertigo instantly consumed me, but I almost welcomed it as my body began to sway like a tree caught in a hurricane. In my peripheral vision, Josh was regarding me with amusement, but I took no notice. It was time to wake up. I tore my eyes away from the chasm below and glanced quickly back at Josh. ‘I’m off,’ I said. Quite literally. Because suddenly I was falling.

  Six

  The ear-piercing scream that followed should have catapulted me back to wakefulness, but regrettably no such thing happened. The ground didn’t rush up to meet me, and I didn’t go splat. Instead, I found myself suspended in mid-air, arms windmilling frantically as the dizziness increased, making my entire body feel like it was in a washing machine that was revving up for its final spin. A voice cut through the hysterical shrieking.

  ‘Hattie? Hattie! Stop thrashing about, for goodness’ sake.’ A pair of strong arms grabbed me, and my body reacted so strongly it was a wonder I didn’t erupt out of them, like squeezed toothpaste. ‘You’re safe, I’ve got you,’ Josh crooned, as if talking to a distraught child. I could feel his warm breath aga
inst my ear, sending tingles down my spine. I clung to him like a baby, too terrified to let go in case the law of gravity caught up and claimed me. ‘You’ve just had a taster of the second thing I told you about.’

  ‘Which is?’ I squeaked, none the wiser, my hands clamping down hard on his wonderfully broad shoulders. Concentrate on them, Hattie. Forget about the space between your feet and the grass miles below. Terrified, I stared at the tendrils of golden-brown hair curling around Josh’s neck and suddenly had an overwhelming urge to touch one.

  ‘Believe the unbelievable.’

  ‘Get us back on the veranda!’ I yelped, wondering if it was possible to vomit with fear in a dream. ‘Pl-please.’

  I’d barely finished stuttering that final word when there was a sensation of solid ground beneath my feet. Still clinging to Josh, I looked tentatively around. Yes, we were definitely back on terra firma. Josh prised my fingers off him one by one and steered me over to a twee little table and chair arrangement.

  ‘Sit,’ he ordered.

  I needed no persuasion, and collapsed heavily downwards, trembling rather like Buddy did when it was time for his annual booster.

  ‘Brandy?’ Josh asked, his voice full of concern.

  I nodded. For now, speech was out of the question. A balloon glass materialised on the table next to me. I shook my head in bewilderment. Did everything here appear as if by magic?

  ‘Only when you want it to,’ said Josh, answering my silent question.

  I shook my head again. If I wasn’t going to wake up any time soon in my own bed, then I guessed I’d have to get used to expecting the unexpected.

  ‘Excellent, Hattie!’ said Josh, nodding his approval. ‘That thought is a very wise one, and on a par with believing the unbelievable. You’re starting to edge along the path of progress, although there’s still a long way to go.’

  I picked up the glass balloon and, without bothering to warm it between my shaking hands, swigged greedily. The liquid burnt a trail down to my stomach, and I welcomed its fire. Draining the glass, I set it down on the table before looking up at Josh. He was leaning against the veranda rail, looking devastatingly handsome.