Dechipped: The Download

by DeVere, Taya

  “So they fight,” Kaarina whispers to her younger self, kneeling next to her. Or maybe she’s on her lap. It’s hard to say. It’s like the two have molded into one being. “What’s the big deal?”

  The girl stays quiet.

  Kaarina’s mother, Maija, gestures at the door without looking over. “She’s only seven years old! She needs a father in her life. Not some beer-stinking half-stranger who comes and goes as he pleases!”

  “I feed the kid,” her father says, his whole body rigid with anger. “I fucking feed her, just like I feed you. You have a roof over your head. Expensive fucking clothes. What else do you want from me?!”

  “I want you home. With us. Not out there…” Maija takes a step back and bites her lip for a moment. “…with her.”

  “You’re fucking delusional. That’s what’s going on here, nothing else. You’re useless. Why would I want to be here with you? When all you ever do is bitch and whine about things that could be better? Nothing’s ever good enough. I buy you a house, it’s too empty. I buy you a state-of-the-art Home-Helper, one that the neighbors can only dream of. What do you do? You refuse to use it. I fill the fridge with food; you won’t cook.” He scoffs. “I give, give, give. And what do I get back from you?” He laughs dryly, throwing his hands in the air. “Not a fucking blow job, that’s for sure! If you’d put out twice a year, hell, that’d be an improvement on the status quo!”

  Maija hushes at him. “Lower your voice,” she hisses. “Why do you have to be so vulgar all the time?” When Maija gestures at the door again, nodding toward it, Kaarina pulls back from her peeking hole. “Kaarina’s right out there, playing with her ponies. What if she hears you?”

  “Pff!” The man waves Maija off. “The girl lives in her head like it’s her job! Empty-headed, just like her mother. A useless daydreamer. The only thing she’ll ever end up being is a tree hugger. Or maybe she’ll end up in a looney bin after realizing she’s unfortunate enough to have inherited all your genes and none of mine. I swear on my mother’s early grave—my father’s as well—that it’d be a miracle if she’s even mine. Who knows what happens in this house when I’m not around. Maybe the IT-guy and you got a little funky one time? Is that what happened? He lifted your skirt a little while adjusting Miranda’s settings?”

  Maija’s jaw moves from side to side. After glaring at her husband for an extended moment, she clenches her fists and starts toward the door. “You better get going,” she says. “Your whore just parked around the corner. Tell her that her shitty-ass Volvo needs a new muffler.”

  Kaarina turns around and crawls quickly toward her bedroom, then hides in the closet, under winter coats and jumper suits. Her mother’s footsteps stomp away toward the back of the house—the bathroom with a sauna. That’s where she hides to cry after these heated conversations. It’s all coming back to Kaarina now.

  Another set of steps echoes from her parents’ bedroom. He stops by her bedroom door, knuckles brushing slightly against the door but too faintly to make a sound. Then, as if he suddenly changes his mind, he grunts, turns on his heels, and walks toward the front door. Soon, the fabric of his winter coat rustles, the door opens and clicks shut. The house is quiet again.

  It’s not until the house is silent that Kaarina notices the numbers—Margaret’s code—flashing all around her. The walls, the floor, the ceiling. It’s all just an endless string of code. She’s completely missed the way the closet floor vibrates underneath her.

  I’m sorry. You had to. Go through that.

  Unsure whether Margaret is talking about the hack that Kaarina hasn’t noticed taking place, or the early childhood memory she’s blocked from her mind, Kaarina doesn’t reply. When the young Kaarina pushes the closet door open and leaves the room, Kaarina sits frozen in place. A small microscope with tiny plastic specimens sits in the corner. She used to love playing with it. That’s what she usually did when she needed to hide; hide in the closet and create a world of her own, where she’s a scientist, or a doctor, sometimes an astronaut. Her right arm wrapped around the nauseating feeling that lingers in her stomach, Kaarina reaches for the toy.

  I’m sorry, Margaret interrupts her. But I need you. To follow. Her.

  “Why?” Kaarina whispers. “I’d rather just stay here.”

  I’m close. I just need. One more. Thing.

  “Spit it out.”

  Observe her.

  “What, the kid?” Kaarina frowns but gets out of the closet anyway. “Why?”

  Call it. A hunch.

  Kaarina leaves her bedroom and looks around the house. In the living room, she sees her younger self carefully picking up empty beer bottles from the floor next to the couch. They are neatly organized, lazily hidden, between the ottoman and a huge Yucca plant. She watches the girl picking the bottles up, one by one, then placing them onto a quilt spread out on the couch. After each bottle, she folds the blanket so that the bottles won’t clink against one another.

  “The bottles…” Kaarina feels a wave of sadness wash through her. “They made mom so sad. I wanted her not to find them.”

  Look at. Her hands.

  Kaarina follows the girl with her gaze, narrowing her eyes to see her hands better. With the last bottle safely in the blanket, the girl lifts the whole bundle up and heads toward the mud room. Kaarina follows. Next to a row of shoes, the girl places the bundle down and reaches for a small pair of sneakers.

  With her. Left hand.

  She places her foot in the sneaker.

  Her left. Foot. Leading.

  Slowly, she works the strings and ties them into a bow.

  With her. Left hand. Dominating.

  As the girl finishes the other shoe, picks up the bundle of bottles from the floor, and heads to the recycling canisters at the end of the driveway, Kaarina stares at the front door as it clicks shut. “So I’m a leftie.” She wets her lips and feels fatigued. “So what?”

  Give me. Three random. Names. Margaret’s voice is not pleading but friendlier than usual. Your Unchipped friends. Let me. Check something.

  Kaarina feels her knees giving in. Too tired to hold herself up, or argue with Margaret, she collapses on the floor, then lies down to stare at the wooden ceiling. “Bill,” she whispers, feeling the sensation of longing for her best friend travel through her. “Sanna,” she says, thinking about Solomon’s Unchipped daughter, bonded with a black-and-white bunny a stranger once gave her as a random act of kindness. “Kri…” she pauses to gasp for air, then closes her eyes, famished by the sensation of longing for his firm but gentle touch. “Yeti.”

  Margaret runs the code while Kaarina fights to stay present. Her body tingles, then burns, as she longs for Kristian to touch her. Longs for anyone to touch her. How long has it been since someone she loved gave her a hug?

  I ran. All their Chip. Folders. Margaret pauses, but Kaarina can sense her excitement. William is. Left-handed. So is Sanna. And your. Beloved. Kristian?

  “Also a leftie,” Kaarina says. “I know.”

  Unable to join in Margaret’s excitement, Kaarina lets herself float in the moment. She doesn’t care about the discovery. She doesn’t care about Margaret’s hack. All she cares about is getting back to the Egg. To her friends.

  To him.

  It does make sense, actually. Markus’s voice appears to be coming from under water. It says right here: Due to an archaic doctrine in neuroscience about lefties’ brains, left-handed people are systematically excluded from brain research. Markus pauses, waiting to see if Margaret has something to add. When the other AI stays quiet, he continues, It’s not just hyper-sensitivity alone that makes an Unchipped person Unchipped. It’s both; being HSP and left-handed. And because lefties are rarely included in neuroscientific research, Solomon and Nurse Saarinen's data was lacking. Being HSP isn’t enough. Being a leftie isn’t either. But put the two together, that narrows the field considerably and accounts for the lack of study. He pauses. It’s just that… It’s just so…

  Obvio
us? Margaret moves in an unexpected direction; toward Markus’s quarters. But what’s more surprising is that Markus himself moves as well, meeting Margaret halfway. Together the AIs run more data, searching, reading snippets of information, comparing notes. But all Kaarina can feel is the lack of Kristian’s firm touch on her tender and tired skin.

  This is it, Markus’s thrilled voice says, somewhere in the background. You were right! This is the breach!

  In her memory, Kristian’s touch moves from Kaarina’s hair to caress the scar on her cheek.

  Run the. Data. Again. Just to be. Sure.

  His fingers move along her collarbone. Kaarina can feel Markus’s urge to retreat, so he won’t need to witness this longing. To feel these memories. Somehow, he forces himself to focus on the task at hand.

  I already did; the numbers hold. This is it, Margaret! You did it!

  Down toward her chest, circling, caressing.

  Do it. Again.

  He holds Kaarina’s waist while his lips move against the back of her neck.

  It doesn’t matter how many times I run it, Margaret. The numbers are right. You’re right. Kaarina, are you seeing this? It’s over; the hacks are done!

  Kaarina refuses to leave Kristian entirely. She nods at Markus, trying a smile. “Good,” is all she can mumble while her memories pull her further away from this moment.

  I know. How to do. It. Margaret’s excited voice echoes somewhere behind his broad shoulders. Kaarina wraps her arms around him, pressing as close to him as she can. She can almost feel the blond hair that covers his firm chest. His lips that press hungrily against hers.

  I know how to. Get to the. Egg’s core.

  CHAPTER 5 — TURMOIL

  White walls, ceilings, and floors are all Kaarina sees. It’s not the first time she’s been here, but she doesn’t find the place any less absurd than she did at the moment right after her upload. Only this time, Margaret has led her in through a door that is nowhere near Kaarina’s room. The one Luna had pointed out excitedly—only to see Kaarina stomp over, go in, and slam the door shut behind her. Refusing to see any of her friends, she had locked the door and counted on their respect to keep them on the other side.

  Now, with the overwhelming bright white shining in her eyes, she steps closer to the Egg’s ledge. The place looks like a surreal balcony with screens and white lights surrounding everything.

  A man sits right next to the edge of the balcony, bundled into himself, swaying back and forth slowly. Margaret and Markus both press closer, staring at the man through Kaarina’s eyes. Their presences now mix in with one another, making it impossible for Kaarina to know who is speaking and feeling what.

  It’s Baldwin, Markaret says. The doctor from the mansion.

  Why is he. So close…

  To the edge? I know, right? What the heck is this place?

  It’s the. Void.

  The what now? English, please. Not all of us speak nerd.

  You can. Be just as. Intelligent. As me.

  Focus, would you? Is Doctor Baldwin alright? Is there something we can do? Is he going to… He’s not going to jump, is he?

  Kaarina hushes the voices in her head, waving at them with her hand as if she could push them back like an annoying fly or a mosquito. Instead of retreating, they lean in even stronger than before. The chatter, the worry, the overwhelming sensation of finally making it to the Egg’s core. It all makes it hard for Kaarina to stay in this moment, to understand what is real and what is not. What it means being here. Alive. Dead. Wishing that the voices in her head would leave her be, and at the same time hanging on to Markaret like a lifeboat.

  “You can hear them too?” Doctor Baldwin asks Kaarina, half-whispering. It takes Kaarina several seconds to focus her gaze on the man.

  He can’t hear us, right?

  Of course. Not.

  Then what the heck is he on about?

  Kaarina hisses through her teeth, hushing the AIs. It’s not until Markaret finally falls quiet—still leaning in with force—that she’s able to focus on the man’s eyes. Kaarina looks at him, searching for… something that would help her trust him.

  Genuineness.

  Kindness.

  Love.

  But as she stares at the man, all three of her inner voices holding their breaths, all Kaarina can see is… fear. She blinks twice, then forces her eyes to leave Baldwin. She stretches her neck out, trying to gaze down over the ledge. The darkness down there is in great conflict with the glimmering brightness of the balcony.

  “Come closer,” Baldwin says. He hasn’t dropped his gaze, but everything other than his eyes seems to crane in the direction of the drop. He seems oblivious to the light behind his back, as though the darkness has already swallowed him whole. His whole body leans in toward the dark hole. “You can hear them if you step closer.”

  “Hear… what?” Kaarina asks. She stays still, fighting the urge to walk over to the edge.

  Markaret has fallen silent. At the back of Kaarina’s mind, they run numbers, searching for information. The ones and zeros flashing in her eyes, Kaarina shakes her head and exhales sharply. “Do you mind?!” she snaps at them, closing her eyes. Her hand waves the air next to her left ear, then her right. But she’s lost all sense of direction. Markus and Margaret no longer reside in a corner or a living quarter of their own. Instead, they swarm and spin all over the place.

  Baldwin’s mouth opens as he stares at Kaarina with new interest. For a fleeting moment, it seems he has forgotten whatever magnet lies beneath his trembling feet. “It’s not them you hear.” He shakes his head once as if to confirm his own words. “No. Not the souls. Not the void.”

  What is he talking about? Has he lost his mind?

  It’s the. Egg’s core. The void. If you would. Look at. The data…

  Always with the data. Always with the riddles. Could you, for the love of scrambled eggs, just tell us what it is you found out?

  Scrambled. Eggs? Is that you. Cursing?

  Stop mocking me and tell me what that thing is!

  Holding her head between her hands, Kaarina takes three impetuous steps forward. It works; the AIs fall silent. Now standing right at the edge, she slowly looks down. All she sees is… nothing. Black space. A void. She tries to step back from it, but something—a strange new force—stops her from moving.

  “Some of them…” Baldwin says, struggling to keep his voice from trembling. “some have been down there for years. Ages. Small eternities. Captured. Alive but far gone.”

  “Who have?” Kaarina whispers, unable to snap out of the void’s pull. “The stasis loopers?” A strange need washes over her. Her feet twitch. Her hands shake. The force makes her question whether it’s some sort of an ancient god that pulls her toward what lies beneath. Not that she believes in any of that. But maybe she should? Has she been wrong, all these years? In this fleeting, terribly confusing moment, she wishes she’d believe in things like heaven and gods and guardian angels. She wants to… She needs to… It’d be the easiest thing to do.

  Simplicity.

  The end.

  All the pain—gone. All the regret and disappointment about the way she handled her life—no more existing. Would faith bring her this? Would it save her from all this hurt? Is this how the stasis loopers feel?

  But the void isn’t about hurt. No, the sensation that pulls her energy toward its own is something else entirely. Something Kaarina has only been able to dream of ever since her mother passed and left her to struggle on her own. The void promises her…

  Relief.

  It’s okay. To give in. Okay. To be tired.

  What? No! No, no, no! Kaarina, please. Don’t listen to her! It most certainly is not okay! Please, Kaarina, take a step back. Just one step. That’s all I ask.

  Stop. Telling…

  “…me what to do.”

  Baldwin stands up, but Kaarina hardly notices. He grabs his left hand with the right, just to stop it from trembling. Then, as if he’s shaking
his own hand and not willing to let go, he says, “You are struggling.” It’s more of a statement than a question. “Yes. You have your own demons living inside your mind. The upload didn’t kill them off. Just as I can hear the abandoned souls in the void, you hear your past—your demons—whispering. You’re exhausted… aren’t you?”

  Kaarina’s foot moves closer to the ledge. She isn’t the one moving it. Nor is it Margaret. Markus. Doctor Baldwin. It’s the void, calling her to jump in.

  Tempting her.

  “Are they…” she curls her toes against the smooth ledge. “Happy… down there?”

  Baldwin takes a breath. He stares down now, standing so close to Kaarina that their shoulders brush together slightly. “I don’t know.”

  “What do they say? When they whisper to you?”

  The man pauses to think. He wets his lips, his folded hands trembling. “Not words. But… moments. I can see them clearly. Memories, images from… before.”

  “Before what?”

  “Before the capsules. Before the Chip-System.”

  Markus gasps, pressing closer to Kaarina, then quickly retreating as if he’s afraid his presence will push Kaarina down into the void. Kaarina, it’s not just the loopers. It’s all of them. All the people in the stasis capsules. They aren’t sleeping, or dead, or alive. They just… are. Down there, in the void. Unlike the loopers, they could be brought back. But no one has helped them. They’re abandoned underground, serving as processing power until their hearts stop beating. If their hearts even can stop beating.

  If you. Look at. The data…

  Are you freaking kidding me?! Stop being such a…

  Yes, Margaret interrupts Markus. You’re right. All those minds. Down. There. Are the people. Used for. Processing. Power.

  “It’s mostly happy images,” Baldwin continues, unaware of the conversation happening inside Kaarina’s mind. Deep in thought, he stares at Kaarina’s bare toes, how they move slowly on the smooth white edge, investigating its surface. “A memory of holding a puppy. A hug from a grandmother. Winning the spelling bee. Rescuing a baby rabbit. Holding a baby. Gazing at a pair of loving eyes. Pizza day at school. A message from a long-lost friend.”