by DeVere, Taya
Markus moves around restlessly, too baffled to find words. Margaret stays still, right there with Kaarina, gazing, soaking in the void’s pull. Kaarina moves her feet back, then kneels down to feel the edge with her fingers. Absently stroking the smooth surface, she leans in to peek down even further. “Relief… is happiness,” she whispers, more to herself than Baldwin. She sits down, her hands gripping the edge, her legs hanging over it. “That’s what’s down there.”
Kaarina, no! You have got to stop! It’s a trap! It’s not happiness that’s down there! It’s… nothingness. It’s like you never existed in the first place!
Or it could. Be. A calmer way. To exist.
You don’t know that! And I don’t care what data you pull or what numbers you put together! You don’t know what’s down there, or else you wouldn’t be guessing!
AIs don’t. Have to. Guess.
Have you even thought about what happens to you if she jumps? Markus asks Margaret, ignoring her comment. How well do you think an AI does among minds and souls or whatever the heck it is we’re dealing with…
“Kaarina?”
The girl’s voice cuts Markus’s rant short. Her voice is careful and hopeful at the same time. Kaarina stares down into the void, blinking for a few seconds longer until she turns to look over her shoulder. A girl with long black hair stands in the middle of the glimmering white balcony, watching Kaarina with serious eyes. Her long eyelashes blink as she tilts her head in wonder. Then, the smallest smile tweaks the corners of her lips.
“Sanna.” Kaarina stares at the girl, memories of their travels flashing through her mind. “I’m, uh… Hi.”
“Are you back?”
“I, um…” Kaarina glances at Baldwin. The man hasn’t reacted to Sanna’s arrival. It’s as if anything that exists that far away from the void’s pull doesn’t matter. Nothing else matters. Kaarina steps away from the man and faces Sanna with a smile. “Yes. I’m back. I’m sorry I locked myself in my room. It’s just that I… I needed…”
“You needed to be alone.” Sanna nods. “I sometimes feel that way too.”
“How is everybody?” Kaarina shifts her weight from one foot to another. She looks away a bit nervously, then peeks at Sanna from under her brow. “Are they terribly mad at me?”
“Why would they be mad?”
“Because I abandoned everyone.”
“But…” Sanna blinks and gives Kaarina a small smile. “You were never that far away.”
Margaret is talking to Kaarina, but Sanna’s forgiveness and the innocent way she’s looking into her eyes muffle the AI’s words. Kaarina can’t focus on anything other than Sanna’s eyes, the soft and friendly gaze of her friend—one that doesn’t hate her after all.
No, she cares. She loves.
It’s not until the balcony starts to rumble beneath them that Kaarina snaps out of her euphoric trance. Sanna gasps, looks around, and takes a step closer to Kaarina. Kaarina grabs the girl and protectively presses her against her body. Hugging each other, they look around frantically. Baldwin is still sitting by the void, seemingly oblivious to the tremors. Numbers flash on the walls, then move over the shiny white floor. Small strings that look like some sort of energy source start to appear between every object, even between Kaarina and Sanna. Slowly, swarming around like tiny worms, the strings pull toward each other, forming a twisting and turning ball of static. The ball grows from the size of an orange to a football, then to a bundle large enough to be a full-grown sheep. For a brief moment, Kaarina wonders what happened to the dog that healed Margaret’s traumas, but she’s soon pulled back to the here and now. An outline of a person radiates light in front of them. The silhouette glitches with static, sending millions of tiny sparks around.
The balcony rocks from side to side, pushing Kaarina off balance. When she falls down on her behind, she pulls Sanna down with her. The girl lands on Kaarina, shaken but unhurt. Lightning and black matter swarm and flash above the void. The static person now has a face—a woman’s features. Limbs. Clothing. Soon, the woman blinks rapidly, her lips parted as if she’s out of breath. Unmoving, totally still, she waits until the energy strings stop their swarming. She’s become whole.
“That’s…” Sanna whispers, reaching for Kaarina’s hand and then squeezing it painfully. “That’s Nurse Saarinen.”
***
No one has said a word. Standing a few meters away from the void and Doctor Baldwin, Nurse Saarinen is fixated on her right hand. She moves her fingers, one by one, watching them as if instead of normal-looking body parts, she’s staring at snakes or some random object she’s never seen before.
Sanna has buried her face against Kaarina’s chest. Holding the girl tightly, Kaarina stares at the nurse, unable to move or speak. She’s completely missed Margaret’s announcement of the upload of Nurse Saarinen—bringing their mission to an end. Too baffled to speak, Markus hasn’t said a word. They all sit in silence, watching Nurse Saarinen take her first step on the glimmering white balcony. After a careful step, she stops, now staring at her feet instead of her fingers.
“Why is she here?” Sanna says quietly, peeking at the woman from the corner of her eye. “My mother would never let her in here. She promised Nurse Saarinen would never hurt us again.”
Swallowing, her throat threatening to swell shut, Kaarina can’t find the words. Not for the truth. Not for a lie, either. She’s responsible. After all this time spent learning about the Happiness-Program, about the people in capsules, her and Markus’s past… she’s momentarily forgotten the mission she’s on.
She’s forgotten her personal vendetta.
After taking another step, this time with a bit more assurance, Nurse Saarinen stops and breathes deeply. She moves her fingers again, then one leg at a time. A dry, low laughter echoes around the balcony as she investigates each body part with newfound interest. It’s as if she hasn’t registered the fact that she’s not alone. It seems all she can really process at the moment is that she’s still alive. Somewhat alive.
“You thought you wouldn’t have a body?” Kaarina asks, her voice unsure. Sanna into herself, still pressing against Kaarina for safety while Kaarina strokes her black hair, but follows Nurse Saarinen’s every tiny movement with her eyes. “That you’d be, what, just a bundle of energy? Floating around the Egg aimlessly?”
Still, it takes several seconds before Nurse Saarinen’s eyes focus on Kaarina, sitting on the ground, holding the black-haired girl in her arms. Her head tilts an inch in a robot-like way. Her lips part for speaking, but nothing comes out. “Doesn’t really matter what I expected,” she finally says. “But yes. I didn’t think it would be such a perfect simulation.”
“Surprise,” Kaarina says dryly, narrowing her eyes at the woman.
Nurse Saarinen looks around the balcony. Shielding her eyes from the white glow, she finally spots Doctor Baldwin by the void. Without stepping over, she nods at the man, then looks at Kaarina. All emotion has washed off her face; her face looks just as blank as it always has. “What’s wrong with him?”
“Nothing’s wrong with him,” Kaarina hurries to say when Nurse Saarinen turns and walks over to Baldwin. “Just leave him be. You’re not here for him. Remember?”
Sanna’s eyes widen. She stumbles up from the floor and steps back from Kaarina. Struggling to decide whether she should explain herself to Sanna, or follow Nurse Saarinen, who is now circling around Baldwin, Kaarina alternates between keeping an eye on the nurse and watching Sanna’s alarmed expression. “Sanna, calm down.”
“You… You know why she’s here.” The girl shakes her head, her black hair dancing around her shoulders. “You brought her here?”
Kaarina opens her mouth, but all the words get stuck in her throat. All the lies. The truth is all she has, but how could she tell Sanna any of it? Yes, I brought Nurse Saarinen into our safe haven. Why? To kill off the great Doctor Solomon—your mother—so I can avenge my own mother’s death. As she keeps rejecting the words in her head
, Kaarina looks down at the floor, feeling torn between her need for revenge and wanting to protect Sanna from becoming an orphan. Like her. Like Markus. Laura Solomon may be the shittiest mother that ever existed, but she’s the only one Sanna will ever have.
It’s a bit. Late. For that. Kaarina.
“I’m telling,” Sanna says and turns to face the glowing white doorway at the end of the balcony. “Billlll!” her clear voice echoes around the space. “Lunaaaaa!”
She’s not. Even calling. For. Her mother.
“I know,” Kaarina murmurs between her teeth, switching her gaze from Sanna to Nurse Saarinen. The woman has knelt down next to Baldwin, but the man seems utterly oblivious to her presence.
What the… Markus pauses to find the right word. What the fudge does that have to do with anything?! So Sanna doesn’t call for her mother when she’s scared or worried. Does that justify making her an orphan?
Before Margaret or Kaarina has a chance to reply to Markus, the white door whooshes aside. Soft footsteps fill the balcony. Bill and Maria are the first to arrive. Luna walks in with Owena’s clone. Shocked and pleasantly surprised, their facial expressions quickly change into horror as they first notice Kaarina standing in the middle of the balcony, then Nurse Saarinen standing farther back by the ledge.
“Jesus in a canoe!” Bill hurries to Kaarina, wraps his arm around her, and pulls her farther away from Nurse Saarinen. Kaarina lets him. But in the middle of his panicky bear hug, all the energy escapes Kaarina. All her focus, her strength, and what’s left of her sanity is leaking away. Not toward the void’s pull, but away from it. Toward the door. Toward the wide shoulders that now block the doorway, behind faces that look more like bewildered question marks than Kaarina’s beloved friends.
All her energy escapes, reaching for him.
“Oh, I see,” Bill says, his focus momentarily solely on Kaarina. “As soon as the grunt arrives,” Bill gives her a quick smirk, “…no love for good ol’ Bill.”
Not trusting her legs, Kaarina takes a wobbly step closer to Kristian. His gaze drills into Kaarina’s eyes, his face stern and soft at the same time; it takes him an extended moment to recover from his surprise. Has he not noticed Nurse Saarinen? Has time stopped? Does such a thing exist here—time? After another step forward, Kaarina feels her knees giving in. As she crumples toward the floor, Bill catches her arm, and—somehow—Kristian leaps over and grabs her other arm. The two pull Kaarina up with ease.
Kaarina turns and buries her face into Kristian’s shirt, and he moves to support her whole weight. It’s heaven, to be in his arms. Soaking in his strong, warm, secure hold, Kaarina closes her eyes and lets go of any and every thought, instinct, reflex that still exists within. This is where she wants to be. If this is the end, she will welcome it with enthusiasm. If she can now stop living, to finally be laid down to rest—this is where it should happen.
In his arms.
With him.
Forever.
Sarcastic clapping echoes from the direction of the void. Nurse Saarinen must have not moved away from Baldwin, but Kaarina isn’t sure. She isn’t looking. She doesn’t care. Doesn’t bother to move her head but presses it tighter against Kristian’s blinking chest.
Why is. His. Sweater. Blinking?
It’s an ugly Christmas sweater.
A what. Now?
Rudolph… see? With a red, blinking nose.
Kaarina chuckles. She doesn’t bother to hush the AIs in her head. Kristian’s arms tighten around her. When he takes a step back, he gently pulls Kaarina up against him, her legs momentarily hovering above the white glow as he adjusts his protective hold on her. Just as Kaarina’s sure the euphoria is about to engulf her, a high-pitched voice jerks her back into here and now. The clapping ends.
“Ah, humans,” Nurse Saarinen says, her voice filled with mockery. “Such suckers for drama. Let me guess.” She pauses theatrically. “You opted to keep your emotions? Even here, as omnipotent god-like creatures, you weren’t able to let go of your touchy little feelings?”
“What are you doing here?” Maria’s calm and collected voice asks. “Who brought you in?”
Kaarina squeezes her eyes shut even tighter. She presses against Kristian, smelling a faint scent of wood shavings and old paper magazines. And something else as well. Pistachios?
“Don’t just stand there smirking,” Maria continues, her eyes glaring at Nurse Saarinen. “Answer my question!”
“I see that death hasn’t made you any smarter than you were alive, Mendoza.” Nurse Saarinen gazes at Maria, unbothered by her hostile stare. “Still can’t put two and two together, can we?”
“Enough with math problems and riddles, bitch,” Bill says, his voice harsher than Kaarina remembers it ever being. An uneasy sensation travels through her. Is Margaret right? Is Bill not okay? Or is he just reacting the way anyone would in this demanding moment?
Bill spits in Nurse Saarinen’s direction. He crosses his arms on his chest. “What’s your business here?”
Shrugging half-heartedly, Nurse Saarinen turns slightly to take another look at Baldwin. “I was invited over.”
“Like hell you were. By who?”
“Let’s just call her a mutual friend.”
Fists clenched around Kristian’s ugly shirt, Kaarina breathes in his scent while she still can. Soon, this heaven will come to an end. Soon, the strong arms holding her will let go—and then refuse to ever touch her again. Kristian will despise her. Bill as well. All of them will.
“Answers, por favor,” Micky says and walks quickly toward Bill to stand by him. He strokes Kaarina’s back gently as he passes, then focuses on Nurse Saarinen again. “Give us a name.”
“Drama, drama, drama…” Nurse Saarinen makes a tsk tsk sound. “All the while you have access to the ultimate power, so close to your fingertips it has practically become a part of you… and all you want is to burn each other at the stake.” Nurse Saarinen’s eyes scan the people on the balcony. “Novak?”
Kaarina senses everyone’s focus shifting to Luna who hasn’t said a word since she walked in with Owena’s clone. Luna doesn’t answer Nurse Saarinen, just stares at her with a hostile expression on her face.
“You were always the brightest member of this pathetic little herd,” Nurse Saarinen continues. “Any guesses?”
“Guesses about what?” Luna says between her teeth.
“Our mutual friend’s identity,” Nurse Saarinen says, a sarcastic smile on her face. “Let’s hear it, Novak. Who brought me here?”
A silence falls on the balcony. Without letting go of Kristian, Kaarina peeks at Luna out of the corner of her eyes. The woman looks serious, her eyes glazed over as she does something… something Kaarina can’t quite grasp. Then, Luna’s eyes clear, as she finished whatever data sweep or search she’s operated. She now stares straight at Kaarina. As faintly and unnoticeably as possible, Kaarina shakes her head at Luna. If Kristian notices her gesture, he doesn’t let on.
Not yet, she thinks. Not now.
“It was Owena,” Luna says slowly, pronouncing the words with care. She turns to look at Owena’s clone, shaking her head apologetically. “Not you. But the real Owena. Back in City of Spain, she made a deal with Nurse Saarinen, trading her freedom for information on how to access the Egg.”
Owena’s clone stares back at Luna. “No,” she says with her childlike voice that doesn’t match her fully grown body. “You’re wrong.” Leaving her allies, Owena walks straight to Baldwin and stops to stand protectively between the man and Nurse Saarinen. She knows she was just there herself, right by the ledge, but seeing her friend standing so close to the edge sends chills down Kaarina’s spine—or would, if she still had one.
“Owena would never,” the clone says, her beautiful face filled with frustration and rage. “She wouldn’t sell us out like that.”
“Oh, really?”
Owena narrows her eyes at Nurse Saarinen. It’s clear she’s refusing to leave Baldwin’s side. �
��I don’t like you standing so close to my friend. I want you to step back.”
Nurse Saarinen scoffs; everything else is quiet. Kaarina turns in Kristian’s arms but doesn’t pull away. Owena takes a step closer to the enemy. Nurse Saarinen doesn’t move an inch.
“I said,” Owena says, “I want you to move away from my friend.”
“And I want to be the most powerful super-being that ever existed.” Nurse Saarinen gives a brief dry laugh. “You know what? I was about to say that we don’t always get what we want. But for the first time in my life… I might just be wrong.”
“Step away.” Owena moves closer to the nurse.
“Or… what?”
“Or I’ll toss you down in the void. Where you belong.”
“Ah, but you see,” Nurse Saarinen says, fake cheer in her voice. “That just won’t do. Because if I’m down there, who is going to take care of all those poor bastards stuck in the stasis capsules? No, no. I’m just where I need to be. I’m still very sane, capable. See, I get things done. Unlike you and the rest of the drama monkeys. You think you deserve to be here? Name one thing you’ve achieved during your uploaded time, please. Or is that too complicated of a task, for an invalid half-clone like you?”
In a split second, Owena charges forward. Like a robot calculating the attack, Nurse Saarinen ducks down, then moves casually toward the ledge. Owena spins around, glaring at the nurse.
“Christ on a cracker! Would someone give her a weapon?!”
It takes Luna two and a half seconds to swipe the air five times.
Owena now stands holding a sword. The look on Nurse Saarinen’s face doesn’t change; she remains disinterested as if the violence against her is boring her. With two fast glitching swipes, she is now holding a slightly glowing rope with knots in the end.
“What the hell is that supposed to be?!” Bill screeches. “Is she a fucking fairy now?! A witch?!”
Owena charges again. Her sword smashes across Nurse Saarinen’s magical rope, but the rope remains intact. Owena quickly lifts the sword again and hurls it at Nurse Saarinen. Nurse Saarinen glitches, moving to the side, then reappears behind Owena. Instead of swinging the rope at Owena, she takes two quick steps to Baldwin. The man has just enough time to look up and into Nurse Saarinen’s eyes before he’s flying into the void. His scream echoes disturbingly around the balcony.