by DeVere, Taya
Owena drops the sword and jumps at Nurse Saarinen with her full weight. The woman glitches, moving sideways for a fraction of a second, appearing in a random place for two seconds, then glitching again and moving to a new random spot. One second, she’s not there, the next she stands next to the void, smirking at the clone trying to attack her. Owena focuses, leaning forward like a beast. Learning Nurse Saarinen’s glitching pattern, she holds her position, calculating her attack. Soon, she moves her head to stare at the spot where Nurse Saarinen will next appear even before she does. Owena grows taller, leans in more. Just as she moves forward for a well-calculated attack, Maria’s voice pierces the air. “Owena, no!”
Nurse Saarinen glitches and vibrates, just to appear several meters away from where Owena had calculated she’d be. The clone surges forward, just barely able to stop herself before falling over the ledge. Balancing where Baldwin sat only few seconds earlier, Owena turns around—just in time to see Nurse Saarinen’s glowing lasso arcing through the air. The rope wraps around Owena tight. Smirking, Nurse Saarinen holds onto the end of her rope, which is the only thing holding Owena’s weight on the ledge. Nurse Saarinen raises her brows, looks over at Kaarina, and gives her the faintest, crooked smile.
“No…” Kaarina whispers. “No, let go of her!”
“Poor choice of words, my friend,” Nurse Saarinen says. One finger unwrapping at a time, she lets go of the rope.
Owena falls, disappearing into the void.
Sanna’s high-pitched scream sends everyone running. Just as Maria is about to reach the girl, Nurse Saarinen glitches again, grabbing hold of Sanna and pulling her to the edge. Arms around the girl’s neck, she shakes her head at Maria and Kristian. The two back away, but only a step.
“Listen up, pretty dumb one,” Nurse Saarinen nods at Maria, “and pretty dumb two,” and then nods at Kristian. “One sudden movement, and the girl goes down. Okay?”
Kaarina stands behind Bill’s back, between Luna and Micky. This is not what she wanted. This is not how this was supposed to go.
Nurse Saarinen leans closer to Sanna’s ear and stage whispers, making sure everyone can hear. “Okay, you Unchipped little shit.” Sanna’s nails dig into Nurse Saarinen’s arm as she’s trying to struggle free without success. “Let’s go see your dear mother. Shall we?”
“Lu, do something,” Bill murmurs. Micky repeatedly nods, sending Luna pleading looks.
“I can’t,” Luna answers between her teeth. “She’s too powerful. It’s like…” She pauses for a half-second to send a disapproving glare at Kaarina. “…like she’s had time to prepare for this. She knew we were all uploaded and living here.”
Nurse Saarinen tightens her hold on Sanna. “Chop, chop, kid. Let’s get it done. Or would you like to join the rest of the mindless peasants down in the void? You know, finally become part of the Chip-System despite your no-good brain?”
“I’m not afraid of you!” Sanna squeals. She sinks her teeth into Nurse Saarinen’s arm, but the woman doesn’t so much as flinch.
“Well…” Nurse Saarinen says, gritting her teeth. “You should be.” She turns on her heels and steps to the edge. But just as she removes her arm and lets go of Sanna, a cold breeze travels across the balcony, freezing everything it touches, all the way to the void. Kaarina, Bill—everyone is suddenly unable to move—including Sanna, who is hovering in midair, only her right foot still touching the white edge of the balcony.
Calm, easy footsteps fill Kaarina’s ears. As the glowing white thing walks pass her, it touches the top of her head gently. Slowly, like her body is in the process of defrosting, Kaarina’s able to move her head again. Her gaze is locked on the thing—a woman—who has stepped in. She stares into Solomon’s machine-like eyes. The only one moving, her gaze washes over Kaarina, as she does a quick headcount and then stares at her daughter. That’s when her eyes change. From hollow and cold, her eyes soften and fill with fear, desperation, anger—as well as love.
With slow, assured steps, Doctor Solomon moves—as if she’s hovering in the white glow—toward Nurse Saarinen and Sanna. Gently, she pulls Sanna away from the edge, placing her on the balcony. With her hands on Sanna’s shoulders, Solomon takes a second to look deep into her eyes, as if she’s silently talking to her. But Kaarina can sense the words. The meaning behind them. It’s like Solomon’s thoughts are there for all of them to sense. To feel.
I am your mother.
No matter how far gone I might seem, I will always return to you.
Suddenly Sanna is moving again. She hugs her mother tightly, then takes off running toward Kristian. Pressing herself against the man, she sobs quietly.
Solomon moves closer to Nurse Saarinen. Solomon stops right in front of her, then blows air onto her face. Nurse Saarinen starts a defrosting process of her own. Soon, she crosses her arms, now immune to the freeze that has taken over the Egg. Laura’s lips part but no sound comes out. When her chest heaves, the breeze first pushes forward, then with an exhale the balcony seems to move back in the rhythm of her breathing. Kaarina moves her fingers, her toes, but stays where she is. How is the floor not moving? Is it moving? Dumbfounded, everyone stares at the two women standing at the edge of the void.
“Touch her again, dear,” Laura’s soft, robust voice fills the balcony. “And I’ll dispose of you like a useless piece of lint.”
Kaarina kneels down to support her overwhelmed mind by touching the Egg’s floor with both hands. But nothing about this place is grounding. Nothing here reminds her of happiness.
“Useless lint, you say?” Nurse Saarinen’s head tics back, then sideways. “Tell me this, dear Laura. How did such lint outsmart the most powerful super-computer that ever existed?” She steps closer, her sharp nose only inches from Laura’s. “How am I here?” She reaches for her pocket and pulls out a hard drive, waving it slowly in front of Laura’s face.
“You’re here,” Laura says, coolness in her voice. Her eyes bore straight into the enemy but are still only partly present. It’s like her body is just a tool her mind is controlling from somewhere far, far away from here. Like she exists in multiple places at once. “Because Margaret hacked the Happiness-Program files. She found a weak spot. And with Kaarina’s help, penetrated the core of my egg.”
Gasping for air, Kaarina closes her eyes. She knew it was coming, but the impact her betrayal has on her completely wipes her out. She sobs once, as if trying to expel all her sorrow and regret. But no tears come. No relief. She senses her bewildered friends turning their focus on her. Senses them staring at her with disbelief in their eyes. Them blaming her for Baldwin’s and Owena’s deaths. She feels her energy retreating from Kristian, feels the pull between them struggling as he tries to decide whether to pull her closer or push her away.
Taking advantage of the moment, Nurse Saarinen kneels down and shoves the hard drive into the white glow. It pulses in the Egg’s flesh, oozing red pus, sending out red rays. The balcony floor begins to crack and shake wildly.
Another wave of air travels through the balcony, this time burning like a wildfire. The white glow fights against it, sending the red rays bouncing around the room as if the floor has turned into a cloud with red lightning. Neither of the creatures by the edge of the pit moves. Neither of them tries to push the other one aside. Smack each other in the face. Kick, bite, claw at each other. No, they stand perfectly still, their bodies frigid and staticky, eyes glazed over. The Egg is grinding and grumbling. The floor, the glow, the walls, even in the dark matter of the void, everything is swarming around like it’s seething in unbearable turmoil.
“Mom!” Sanna yells, staring into her mother’s glazed-over eyes. She runs over and grabs Solomon’s hand. “Come back, mom!”
Kristian recovers from his shock first. He looks over his shoulder at Kaarina on the floor, then hurries to Sanna without seeing Kaarina’s lips move silently as she whispers, “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”
His strong arms lift Sanna up and place h
er over his shoulder. “But you said!” the girl screams at her mother while kicking and punching Kristian’s back. “You promised!” Once Kristian reaches Maria, she gestures for everyone to move. Together they all hurry toward the door at the other end of the balcony. Everyone except Kaarina.
Without getting up from the floor, Kaarina feels her whole being starting to melt. As if her cyber body is becoming one with the Egg’s struggling surface. She feels the Egg consume her. When she looks down at her hands, she can’t count her fingers because of the shaking and lurching of the floor. The sensation is unreal.
Feeling Laura push toward Nurse Saarinen, only for the other creature to return her attack with a more powerful one, Kaarina realizes she's stuck in a strange and frightening cyberwar. Physical pain doesn’t exist here. Each attack, each code sent out to wipe out the enemy, pulls energy from Kaarina, making it harder and harder to hold onto whatever sanity still remains. She feels paralyzed. Like the two creatures are sucking, devouring every sensation she has ever experienced. Second by second, the Egg and the swarming hatred eats her away, until she feels the melted floor engulfing her.
Markus.
Margaret.
The thought is just a reflex. A feeling.
Goodbye.
Letting herself melt and spread deeper into the turmoil, Kaarina feels a piece of a happy memory grabbing her left wrist, then the right. As the scent of the forest pulls her upward, everything falls dark.
***
A blur is all she sees. Her eyelids partly open, Kaarina stares at a wall with endless screens. Each screen hovers against what looks like a night sky. White light travels between the screens where data similar to what Kaarina saw during Margaret’s hack alternates with images from the news, showing people dying, suffering, trying to survive The Great Affliction.
“Fuck me sideways and buy me a pony!” Bill yells, pulling on his dreads while pacing around the strange room. “Nothing you just said makes any sense!” He stomps his foot against the glimmering floor and turns to stare at Kaarina. Surprise washes over his face when he notices Kaarina’s eyes aren’t closed anymore. He hurries over and kneels next to Kaarina. Staring into her eyes, investigating them closely, he hollers to the distant silhouettes, standing farther away. “Guys! I think she’s awake!”
Kristian’s the first one over. But as he drops down to the floor and reaches for Kaarina, meaning to hold her, Maria kicks his hands away. “No time for that, lover boy.” Soon, Maria’s dark eyes stare into Kaarina’s. She cups Kaarina’s chin between her thumb and index finger, moving Kaarina’s jaw slightly from side to side. “You awake?”
Kaarina pulls her head back, then holds her jaw as if Maria’s touch has hurt her. “Yeah…” she clears her throat, wishing her voice wouldn’t sound so pathetic. She sits up. “Yes. I’m awake.”
“Good.” Maria narrows her eyes, as if to contemplate something. Suddenly, without warning, her palm smacks Kaarina hard on the cheek. “You ignorant piece of scum,” Maria says in a low but angry voice. When Kaarina struggles to move away from Maria, Kristian blocks Maria from following her.
“Enough,” Kristian says, his words just a grunt.
Maria scoffs. Instead of following Kaarina with her blazing eyes, she now stares down Kristian. “You’re protecting this traitor?” she asks, disbelief in her voice. “After all she’s done?”
“We don’t know what happened,” Bill says, now standing by Kristian. “Why she did what she did. We’ve only heard Margaret’s side of the story.”
This gets Kaarina’s attention. Holding her burning cheek, she glances up and stares at Bill, then at Maria and Kristian, then at Bill again. “Margaret spoke to you while I was out?”
“She did,” Luna says from the other side of the room.
“Yeah, why the fuck does she think Mindy is dead?” Maria asks. “And since when did Markus lose the plot and go on a revenge rampage for an imaginary cat?”
“It’s not…” Kaarina struggles for words. “Not just about the cat.”
“Oh, so you do have a good explanation for all this?” Maria says, her tone freezing cold. “Would you mind sharing with the rest of the class?”
Kaarina opens her mouth but no words come out. She’s doomed. As she should be. Nothing she could say or do would justify her betrayal.
“Quite the journey you’ve had,” Luna continues, when all Kaarina can do is dodge their investigating gazes. “Temporary insanity would surely explain why you would bring the most evil, murderous person on the planet to us...” Luna crosses her arms on her chest and sends a quick glance at Micky, who’s muttering something in Spanish, walking in small circles by a screen that shows a rainforest on fire. “…but bringing Markus and Margaret back from death isn’t insane. It’s the opposite of insane. And I can see why Nurse Saarinen would use Margaret and you as her vessels through the Egg’s firewall, but there is absolutely no reason for her to bring Markus back. That was all you. It was a trade, wasn’t it? You helped Nurse Saarinen to enter the Egg, so you’d get Markus back?”
Kaarina closes her eyes. “Not exactly.”
“What, then?”
“I wanted…” she takes a breath. “I needed Solomon dead.”
A pregnant pause fills the room. Luna’s the first one to recover. “You do understand,” she says slowly, enunciating each word with care, “That without Solomon, this place doesn’t exist. And without this place… we can’t exist.”
The room falls silent as the ugly truth hits them with full force. The only sound Kaarina hears is Maria gritting her teeth. That, and Rudolph’s nose on Kristian’s sweater blinking with a faint clink sound each time the red light goes off.
“It’s not the only place we can exist,” Kaarina finally breaks the silence. “We have another option.”
No one replies.
“We can go back.”
Kaarina doesn’t know how much Margaret has told them about the data she’s collected. About the lost souls in the void. About the loopers, stuck in stasis capsules without a hope of waking up. About being downloaded into a new body.
“You mean the people who are stuck in the dreams?” Sanna asks, holding a black-and-white bunny close to her chest. “People like Jessika?”
I guess the question is, Kaarina thinks while sending a surprised glance at the Egg’s round ceiling, what didn’t you tell them?
Calling me. A busy body. Are we?
“Shut up, Margaret.” Kaarina wipes the air next to her air, barely hanging on. She feels as if she’s about to pass out again.
“No,” Luna says sternly, then steps over to Kaarina. “Keep her talking. Margaret, are we safe? Can we stay in the Egg, or is the cyberwar a danger to us?”
Kaarina presses her lips into a thin line.
Can I. Answer. The question?
She throws her hands in the air, gesturing that she gives up. While Margaret talks through her, Kaarina walks around aimlessly, causing Micky to pace even more frantically. “It’s impossible,” Margaret starts. “To say. What will happen. To the Egg. While two super-creatures. Try to. Erase each. Other.”
“What does that mean to us?” Luna asks.
“It depends. Who wins.” When nobody says anything, Margaret continues, “But this. Place will. Remain in. Turmoil and chaos. Until it ends.”
“If it ends,” Kristian says.
“And if Nurse Saarinen,” Margaret continues, “Ends up. Winning. This cyberwar. Her intentions for. Keeping all of you. In existence. Are questionable.”
Kaarina stops her pacing. Looking around the room, she sees people staring back, worry and despair in their eyes. But there’s more than that—and something missing too. She sees no doom, bitterness, or hate. All she sees is genuine care. Love. Even for her, the traitor.
What has she done? Would they all die now—again, and for good this time? And for what? Just Kaarina’s need to get back at the person who took her mother away from her. As their world falls apart, all she can think about is what
would have been if her mother had never left her in the first place. Without her mother dying, Kaarina would never have met Markus. Kristian. Any of her friends.
Her family.
“I’m so sorry,” she breathes out while Margaret waits for someone to reply. “I’m so fucking sorry.”
“Oi, oi, oi, chica. You need to help us understand why—”
“No,” Maria snaps at Micky. “It’s too late for that. Way too late.” Maria turns to look at Kaarina, her eyes more desperate than hateful. “Why didn’t you warn us? Why would you even bring that psychopath here in the first place?”
“She killed my mother.”
“Yeah?” Maria moves her jaw from side to side before continuing. “The Happiness-Program killed most of the mothers on Earth. None of our mothers are alive. Our fathers, our allies, friends, lovers…” She scoffs. “Fuck, you even had that going for you before you locked yourself in your little box of insanity.” Maria pauses to cross her arms, something raw and painful flashing in her eyes. “We’ve all lost our past lives, Kaarina. All we have left is each other. And if we don’t have each other’s backs—no matter what—who the hell will?”
“Not the program,” Kaarina says with a raspy voice. “My mother’s not in a stasis capsule. She’s not dead like the others. She didn’t kill herself, either. She was murdered, in her own house, with a pill she took without knowing what it was. A pill that Solomon gave her.”
Maria breathes out, her eyes locked on Kaarina’s eyes. She doesn’t continue the argument.
“My mother doesn’t kill people,” Sanna’s small voice says from the corner of the room. “She put people to sleep, so they can wake up again later, once they feel better.” Sanna shakes her head, her wide eyes pleading with Kaarina. “She wouldn’t kill your mother like that.”