by Kay Harris
Anna was surprisingly casual. “Doesn’t really matter.”
“What? What do you mean it doesn’t matter?” Alice hadn’t realized how loud her voice had become until her mother turned toward the spare bedroom her two aunts were sharing. Alice softened her voice into an angry whisper. “Of course it matters. It’s always mattered to you and Dad.”
Anna stood. “Why don’t you grab us two cups of coffee and join me in the living room. We’ll be more comfortable on the couch.”
In a move worthy of her husband, Anna turned on her heel and walked out of the kitchen and straight to Alice’s new leather couch. Alice took several cleansing breaths as she fixed two mugs with cream and coffee. She took several more breaths before walking into the living room and joining her mother on the couch.
Anna and Alice each held a hot mug in both hands in front of them and took small sips. They stared into each other’s eyes. Finally, Anna broke the silence. “I don’t care that you’re bisexual.”
“Since when.”
“Since always.”
“Then why did you make me feel like—?”
Anna held up her hand. “First of all, no one can make you feel anything. You choose to feel a certain way.”
“Like I chose to be queer?”
Anna shook her head. “Stop. I never said that.”
“You never said anything.”
“You wanna know what I think?”
“Of course, I do,” Alice told her.
Anna’s eyes grew wide as if the statement were a complete shock to her. Though Alice had no idea why.
“You’re my mother. I want to know what you think,” Alice reiterated.
Anna took a long sip of her coffee before answering. “I grew up with a father who dominated our house. It was four women and him. He was master and commander. And my sisters were so damn traumatized by our childhood neither of them ever got married. But I did. I married a man just like him. My opinion has never mattered to anyone.
Alice took her mother’s hand. A prickling of sympathy crawling up her spine. “It matters to me.”
Anna smiled. It was a rare sight, and Alice felt tears sneak into her eyes.
“I took some college classes, did you know that?” Anna asked.
“No. When?”
“When you started high school. Instead of staying home alone all day, I took a few classes. It took me five years of asking your dad about it once a week to get him to agree and to pay for the classes.”
Alice had always considered her mother to be the queen of passive aggression. She’d watched her quietly harass her father into doing many things over the years, and she could easily imagine Anna shyly asking Robert over and over again until he gave in.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Alice asked.
“Part of the deal was that I keep it a secret. In your father’s mind, my job was to take care of you and him. He didn’t want you to think there was anything in my life that might be more important than that.”
Alice was speechless. Even having grown up with the man, his ideology was so foreign to her it was hard to swallow. “So you took classes?”
“Yes.”
“What kind of classes?”
“All kinds. Mostly the humanities. I loved sociology, anthropology, and psychology. And when you told me you were bisexual, I took a class on LGBTQ issues. Only I think it didn’t have the Q back then. I don’t remember. Anyway, it was a really good class.”
Alice couldn’t talk, mostly because her jaw hung open like a fish.
“You’re surprised?” her mother asked.
“Hell yes, I’m surprised. Mom, I really could have used your help back then.”
Anna bypassed this heartfelt statement and pushed on. “So, I came to understand that a person is born with their sexuality. I don’t believe it’s a choice. I have spent the last seven years trying to convince your father of that.” She frowned, leaving Alice with no doubt about how that project was going.
Alice squeezed her mother’s hand. “Thanks, Mom.” Alice felt a weight lifted off her shoulders. The past was gone. Her mother was here, talking to her.
“If you want to date a woman, I support you.” Anna gave her daughter a watery smile.
For the first time since she was a small child, Alice was overcome with the sense that her mother loved her. She flew into her mom’s arms. In her mother’s surprisingly strong grip, Alice wept. Anna’s tears fell on her shoulder, soaking her blouse and making Alice’s heart swell.
“I love you, my baby,” her mother whispered. “You should never doubt that.”
“I love you too, Mom.”
The long-awaited reunion went on for a while. It was Aunt Lily who stopped it by wandering into the room in her nightgown and exclaiming that everyone needed to ‘take a pill.’ Then she shuffled into the kitchen to get coffee.
Alice laughed and wiped at her tears. She gazed at her mother. “Thanks.”
Anna patted her knee. “Now. Are you going to tell me who you’re dating?”
“Yeah. Do you remember Darius Fleck?”
“The hot football player? Of course, I do.”
Alice smiled. It was the first time in her life she’d ever heard her mother describe someone as hot. “I’m dating him.”
“Didn’t you date his brother in high school?”
Alice swallowed back an echo of pain, one that was getting weaker with each passing day. Her parents had no idea how that had all ended. She’d made the decision not to tell them that night. After that, it didn’t matter. Alice owned that pain, it was hers, and with the exception of Darius, she didn’t want to share it with anyone.
“Yes. I did. But Darius is actually the better of the two brothers.” Alice smiled casually.
“How’s it going?” her mother asked.
“Really good. We’re taking things slowly. But they are going really, really well.”
“Why slow? I mean, what’s the reason you feel you need to do that?”
Alice shrugged. “I guess I’m afraid of getting hurt.”
Anna seemed to chew on this for a minute. “Because you love him?”
Alice shrugged again. She didn’t know where she and that word stood these days.
Anna leaned in close. “I have something to tell you about that man.”
Alice felt her eyes widen. “What?”
“He looks amazing in a pair of boxer briefs.”
JUNE
Chapter 12
“Sweetie, I am so happy you and your mother had a good talk.” To the untrained eye, Alice figured Trudy Evans looked to be completely genuine as she said this over her dining room table.
Like Alice, Everett knew the score, however. His voice held gentle censure. “Mom.”
“I am. But…” Trudy hesitated.
“Here we go,” Alice said.
“I still want you to think of me as the cool mom. Are we clear on that?” Trudy looked pointedly at her adopted daughter.
Alice nodded her head enthusiastically. “Absolutely.”
Alice pulled her attention away from Trudy and looked at Darius beside her. She reached over and squeezed his knee. Last night they’d had a long talk about the Evans and what they meant to Alice. She’d wanted Darius to understand the relationship more fully before they had family dinner with Everett and his mom.
“I can attest that you and Anna are very different, Trudy. I don’t think you’ll lose your spot as the cool one. Anna is more like…” Darius looked over at Alice. “The perfectionist mom. You know, the house, the family. She always kept everything nice. A bunch of other moms in the neighborhood, mine included, were put in a bit of a ‘keeping up with the Joneses’ type situation because of her.”
Alice thought Darius’ assessment of her mom was an interesting one. It wasn’t exactly how she’d seen it growing up. But things always looked different from the outside.
“Well that sure as hell isn’t me.” Trudy’s matter-of-fact statement had them all rolling with laughter.
After dinner, they sat in the living room, drank coffee, and ate a rich chocolate cake Alice and Everett had made. The banter was casual and focused mostly on Everett’s girlfriend, Maya. At first, Alice expressed distress that Maya wasn’t at the family dinner. But Everett explained the only reason for her absence was that she was in the City helping a friend set up a pop-up art show.
Talk of Maya morphed into a discussion of the birthday buddies, four women, all who worked at Tranquility Candle Co. and all who shared the same birthday. Alice talked about her growing friendship with them.
Then Everett diverted the conversation. “How are things with Kyle?” Everett’s gaze darted to Darius and back to Alice again as he asked the question.
“We’ve texted a bit,” Alice said. It was the only truth she could give. She hadn’t actually talked to Kyle since April.
“Alice, I’ve talked to Kyle more than you have,” Darius said.
“You need to work this out with him,” Everett added.
She swiveled her head between her brother and her boyfriend. “Why do I feel like you’re ganging up on me?”
“Because they are, Sweetie,” Trudy dropped in.
“We just want what’s best for you. And giving up an important, lifelong friendship because you’re embarrassed is not good for you,” Everett said.
Alice turned her attention to Darius. They hadn’t discussed Kyle once since their fight about him. “Is that what you want? For me to talk to Kyle?”
Darius nodded.
“Why?”
“Same reason. I want you to be happy. I don’t think you’re happy about how you left things with Kyle,” he said.
Alice let out a long breath. She studied his face. “And you’re not jealous of Kyle.”
“Should I be?”
She shook her head.
“Then, no.”
“Fine. I’ll call him.”
****
Six years ago…
“I can’t.” Guilt swamped Alice as she pulled away from Kyle’s kiss.
Kyle sighed and ran a hand through his already messy hair. “Sorry, Alice.”
“It’s okay.” Why did she say that? It wasn’t okay. She and Kyle had broken up weeks ago and she’d made herself clear. They weren’t meant to be lovers, just friends. But in the face of Kyle’s pain, she only wanted to ease it. “It’s just…I’m leaving, you know?”
“Yeah. Don’t want to do long distance.”
“Right.” It was a lousy excuse. And they both knew there was more to it than that. But believing distance was the biggest factor in why she and Kyle couldn’t be together seemed to make Kyle happy, so she went along with it.
Kyle leaned against his mother’s car, not in any hurry to drive Alice to the airport. “I was thinking. About us. About the future.”
“Yeah? What were you thinking?”
“Well, we’re both on these separate paths right now, right?”
Alice grasped onto this reasoning. “Yes. I have to go try to make my own way. And you’re needed here with your mom and grandma. Plus, you’re starting college. You have such a bright future in front of you, Kyle.”
He cupped her chin. “So do you.”
Alice wasn’t sure what her future looked like. But she knew what she wanted. Freedom. She wanted to be free of her parents’ disapproval, free of Kyle’s wounded looks, and free of the baggage she carried on her shoulders every moment she spent in Walker Springs.
“Yeah. We both have bright futures,” she agreed.
Her acquiescence made Kyle smile. “And after we work out the details, we’ll want to settle down and get married. We both said we wanted marriage and a family, right?”
With the exception of the details from the night of her last birthday, Alice had told her all her secrets to Kyle over the years, and that included her desire for a family some day, no matter what that family looked like. She nodded, wondering exactly where this conversation was going.
“So, if by your…I don’t know…twenty-fourth birthday, you haven’t found a spouse and neither have I, let’s get married.”
To her seventeen-year-old mind, the mid-twenties seemed like the perfect time to get married and start a family. It also seemed far enough away that she could easily promise it to Kyle, make him happy, knowing it would probably never happen. Surely one of them would find someone by then.
“Sure, Kyle. I promise.”
****
Darius’s hand floated up and down her right arm. She reveled in the sensation, which was only enhanced by the kisses he peppered on her temple. She put the phone down and turned her head. Knowing what she wanted, he kissed her on the lips. It was soft and leisurely.
He was obviously in no hurry, and neither was she. They had all day to lounge around her condo. Darius wore his weekend best, a pair of workout shorts and a tank top. Alice thought it was like having an underwear model wander around her house on a Saturday afternoon. Actually, it was exactly like that.
It was Darius who ended the kiss before Alice could coax him into turning it into something more. “I’m going to get lunch started and let you make that call, scaredy-cat.”
Alice sighed. “I am scared.”
“Of what?”
Alice turned on the couch so she could see Darius better. “I have this problem.”
“Okay.”
“I can’t stand the idea of someone, anyone, not liking me. And having someone I really care about be mad at me, it’s just so…hard.”
“Interesting.”
“What’s interesting?” she asked. “Don’t pretend like this is news to you. You’re the one who is always saying I’m a people pleaser.”
Darius pointed his finger at her. “Yeah. But you don’t worry about me being mad at you. In fact, you were pretty mean when we first started working together. And you didn’t have any trouble yelling at me when I told Kyle about your bunk marriage pact.”
“That’s different. You and I are different.”
“You also don’t have any trouble getting on Everett’s case. I’ve seen it. In fact, last week you totally yelled at him because he won’t talk to Maya about this weird ‘we’re a secret’ thing they have going on.”
“That’s different, too.”
Darius rubbed his unshaven chin. “Okay. Why? Explain to me exactly why. Because I know you don’t see me and Everett the same way.”
Alice wrinkled her nose. “Definitely not.”
“So…?”
Alice took seven deep breaths and thought about it. She knew why. And as a grown-ass woman, it was time to own up to it.
“Okay, so my life is divided in two parts. There is my life before California and my life after. Before I moved, I was a mess. I let the intolerance, indifference, and even the straight up bullying I experienced break me down. My parents, Kyle, your brother, they are all part of that past. You were, too. But I’ll get to that in a minute. Anyway, that me was strong in a different way than I am today. That me could persevere. I excelled at it. I survived. Stoic, like my dad. I just rode that shit out.”
Alice shifted, and Darius put his big hand on her knee and squeezed. She gave him a small smile and continued. “After I came to California, I quit just surviving and started fighting back. When I had to live with a bunch of assholes, I didn’t let them get to me. I protected myself. Then I found a way out of that situation. When I went to Tranquility to ask for a job, I had zero experience. I literally demanded they give me a chance. I even promised I’d work for free for the first month to prove myself. Of course, they don’t do that. But it left an impression, and I got the job. Then I worked my ass off at it. I built the confidence I needed to sell, one tearful freak-out at a time. And when Greta harassed me after we broke up, at first I melted down, but then I fought back. So there is a before and after Alice, and those Alice’s are two completely different people. Kyle is part of the before Alice and Everett has to live with the after Alice.”
“And where do I fit into all o
f that?” he asked.
“I have two theories.”
One corner of his mouth ticked up in an expression she’d come to associate with his amusement. “Oh, yeah? Let’s hear ‘em.”
“So, my first theory is that while you’re a part of the story of the old Alice, you are also a part of the new Alice. And I’ve spent more time with you as the new Alice.”
“I don’t know. That sounds…not right. What’s the other theory?”
“Well,” Alice ducked her head. Shyness she hadn’t felt in a long time engulfed her. “Maybe it’s because I want to have a healthy relationship with you so much that I’m willing and able to overcome my hang-ups about the past.”
Darius leaned down and kissed her gently. “I like that theory.”
“I thought you might.”
Darius pulled away from her and stood. “And I know you want Kyle to be in your life as your friend, too. So it’s time to deal with that hang-up as well.” He picked her phone up from where it lay on the couch beside her and placed it in her hand before heading to the kitchen.
Alice performed a quick relaxation technique before calling. Then, with a heavy weight on her chest, she connected.
Kyle picked up on the first ring. “Alice.”
“Hey.”
“Hey.”
“You still mad at me?” she asked.
“No. You still afraid to talk to me?”
“Not after the pep talk I just got from Darius.”
Kyle chuckled. “He is persistent. Must be a quarterback thing.”
“That was my thought, too.” She shifted on the couch. “Kyle, I’m sorry.”
“I know. And I forgive you.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. Just don’t lie to me again, okay?”
“I won’t, I swear. That was the old Alice.”
“Hmmm. So you turned a new leaf, huh?”
Alice decided this conversation didn’t need to include all the convoluted feelings she’d shared for the first time just minutes ago, but she vowed to herself that she would share it all with Kyle in the near future. “Yep. How are you, Kyle?”
“Really, really good. Did Darius tell you?”
“No. Every time I asked him about you he said I should call you myself.”
“Sounds like him. Well, I’m dating his cousin. We’re doing really well, going strong. I mean…it’s great. And I’m moving into my own place. I bought a house on Telly Road.”