by R. S James
At my nod, she holds my hands, as I sit down beside her ready to hear her heartbreak and knowing there is absolutely nothing, I can do to fix it.
“I was at the bar on a Friday night. I worked there. I was going to make something of myself and be independent.” She murmured, half laughing half crying. “He came in with a group of guys. They were there for about an hour and half, when he noticed me. I was shocked, as I had seen him before with other women and with his girl. I won’t lie. I wanted what they had. Even when he flirted with me, I knew it wasn’t me he wanted. I thought if I gave him what he wanted maybe I could change his mind. So, when he asked me to go home with him, I agreed. Not my brightest moment, but that is neither here nor there. We barely made it into his apartment, before… well you know what happens. I don’t need to give you play by play. I was so sure he was as into it as I was, until he climaxed and yelled her name. After a minute, he left the bed, and I grabbed my clothes and left with the pieces of my heart. When I went to the bar the following Friday night, he didn’t come in. It wasn’t until two months had passed, when I realized I was late, so I went to the next town over and did a pregnancy test. I was so shocked when the nurse said, “It’s positive.” I said umm English please. “Sweetheart your pregnant, if this isn’t what you want you have options. Let’s set up an appointment with the doctor to talk them over.” I left with an appointment to come back the following Tuesday. I was scared to death. However, I was so in love with you. I was so excited that God had trusted such an innocent child to me. I wasn’t sure what I did to deserve you, but I was keeping you. I didn’t even consider telling your dad, I mean he was engaged with the woman he loved why should I interfere with that? It wasn’t until I got closer to finding out the sex that I thought he should know that he helped create a child. I didn’t want anything from him. I was keeping you and had money saved. So, when I saw them come in the bar at the end of my shift, I knew I had to tell him and her together. I walked up to their table, and I was scared to death, but I had come that far I had to see it through. I told her that he and I had been together, while they were separated, and he used protection, but I still got pregnant. You could see the shock and disbelief on both of their faces. Which pissed me off, so I told them I didn’t want anything from either of them just thought he should know, he had a child out there somewhere. I turned and walked out not even thinking of looking back. My parents were disappointed in me, and my decision to keep you and raise you by myself. Slowly, I started buying stuff I’d need for you. A crib one week, and a couple weeks later a car seat. Some of the customers brought in gifts as well. Then one night, I was closing the bar and your dad walked in. I wasn’t sure what to think, or how to feel. He asked if they could meet me the next day and talk about the “situation” I agreed. It went exactly as he described it to you. When I left, I felt pain in my stomach and looked down, and I was bleeding. I rushed into the hospital. My parents came and asked if I had “Come to my senses and decided to give the child a life I could never give to him or her?”
“I had them escorted out, and they were on the list of people not allowed in to see me or to get information on me. Once I was released, I was to avoid stress if possible. Everything was going well; it was one week, before my next doctor appointment, which I would be able to find out you were a boy. I was so excited and so scared I was going into this a single person. Most woman have the father or her mom; I had you and me. I was wiping tables down and filling the napkin dispensers, when I felt someone come up behind me. Turning, I seen it was your dad, and I told him, “I need you to leave and not contact me anymore. I’m having problems and can’t deal with stress.” He asked if he could go with me to one appointment, and he would leave me alone for good. Finally, I agreed, and I told him when it was and where it was. He wanted me to let him pick me up, but I didn’t want him to know where I lived, so I refused he could meet me at the office or not go at all. The choice was his. I didn’t expect him to show up, however, he was there, before I was. When I went back, he waited in the room, while I had blood drawn, urine sample, and weight. When the doctor put the doppler on my belly, and I saw you. Oh my! My heart was gone, and I had no choice. You were so perfect. It looked like you were laying on your side smiling at us. My weight hadn’t changed in two months, so the doctor was worried I wasn’t eating enough, so when he said that your dad had an opening to ask me for breakfast. We were sitting in this small café I had a blueberry muffin and orange juice he only had coffee. He was trying everything to be a part of our lives, but they were moving, and I wasn’t going to allow you to fly halfway around the country every six months. I was getting angry, and ready to walk out and head home, when she came in and broke up with him. He just sat there, looking at me like I was at fault. After about five minutes, I got up and left. It was about a week later, when he showed up at the bar again and asked me to marry him! I fainted and had to be rushed back to the hospital. I refused to marry him. We didn’t love each other, and I would not be getting married just because I was having a child. He started coming to the doctor appointments with me. He kept asking for me to marry him, and I kept saying no. Finally, at your third birthday party, he had this beautiful proposal. I agreed, and I thought it was for real. Now, twenty-two years later, I realize the joke is on me.”
“Mom, what do you want? Do you want to stay with dad? Are you happy with him? I asked him if he loves you, and he said he always has and always will.”
“Xavier, I know he loves me, but I don’t believe he’s in love with me.”
“Don’t you think you should ask me how I feel?”
“Michael!! What are you doing out of you room and out here with all these germs?”
“Relax, Renee. The doctor cleared it, and Carson wheeled me in here. Now, I’m curious to hear your answers to our son’s questions. What do you want? Do you want to continue our marriage? Are you happy with me?”
“Be sure you want to hear this because it may not be what you want to hear.”
“I’m positive. I want no I need to know how you feel.”
“I want what you had with Jessica; I want to be the only person you see, when you enter a room. I want to cross your mind and your face lights up. I want to have a marriage where both people are one hundred percent happy. I don’t want you to feel obligated to stay with me. I don’t want you to hate me because I could only give you one son. However, I cannot stay in a marriage with a man that is in love with someone else. Not only is it unfair to me, but it is to you, her, and our son. I love you and always have, but you have to decide what you want.”
Getting up making my way to the elevators, he doesn’t say a word. Once again, I start to leave with my heart shattered. I step on the elevator, when I hear him say, “Renee, you have no idea do you? You are the only person I see EVER! I am not just one hundred percent happy. I’m one million percent happy with us. I have NEVER felt obligated to be with you or there for you. I’m perfectly fine with one son. I’m not sure I’d have lived if we had any daughters, especially if they look like you. I want you always have and always will. What you overheard was me telling Xavier, not to just get married, because he thinks she’s the one, because sometimes fate drops “the one” in your lap.”
“Dad, I love you and Mom. Please don’t ever think Carly isn’t my one, because she is. Did you know today would have been your first grand child’s birthday? Not a day goes by that I don’t think of that little person. She and I created out of love for each other. Would it have looked like me or her? I don’t know. I do know that it would have been so loved and never have to question if it was wanted or not. As soon as your home dad, I’m going back and fixing things with her. I need her to make me a better person. If you can’t or won’t accept her as part of my life, then say so now, and you will be out of our lives.”
“Xavier, I love you, and if she is yours, then she is ours also. I’m so sorry I had no idea we had lost a grandchild. Is there anything she needs?”
“No dad, she ju
st needs time. But, not so much that she thinks she will get away from me. I’ll be sending her flowers every week. I will also be letting her know under no circumstances are we getting divorced. I need to go to the house for a little while. Will you guys be okay?”
Mom looks at Dad, who is staring at her, “Yeah, son. I think we are going to be perfect. You go on and do what needs to be done. Don’t rush back on our account.”
I get on the elevator and hit ground. Once I make it there and am outside, I look up our local florist and order flowers to be delivered to her once a week for the next nine weeks. The next call I make is to her mom.
“Hey, Claire. How are you doing?”
“Oh, Xavier. I’m doing okay. How are you? How are your parents doing?”
“I’m in misery. I miss the other half of my soul. My dad is on the mend and mom is mom. How is she? She isn’t taking my calls, but she texts one- or two-word answers. I guess, I should be thankful for that.”
“She is going through some things, but please don’t ask me. It’s her story to tell. I will tell you she is hurting also. I’m glad your dad is doing better. I know Carly took it hard, when she got the call and found the problem. She wanted to be there for you, but her heart is badly bruised. It’s going to take some time. Don’t give up and don’t let her push you too far away. Are you planning on coming back, or are you staying in Michigan with your parents?”
“Of course, I’m coming back. I should be back with Carson the Sunday before Thanksgiving. I’m having flowers sent to her every week. I’ll also be calling and texting her. I know this is going to make me sound crazy, but the other night, I was so depressed that I called her phone just to hear her voice on the voicemail. Just hearing her voice instantly calms me.”
“Oh, Xavier. That doesn’t make you sound crazy at all. I still call my mom’s phone, and sometimes, when I miss Maddox, I call his to hear his voice. Just like you their voice calms me. I’m glad you are coming back home. Will you be joining us for Thanksgiving? I miss my boys.”
“I was planning on coming. Do you think she will be okay with that, or will it make what she’s going through worse? Is she physically okay? Can you please tell me that much? This sucks because part of me thinks I should just pack up and come back to her, but the other part of me knows my parents need me. Carson tells me it’s only a couple weeks. Please tell me what I should do!”
“Xavier, I better have you at my table. Physically and mentally she is doing okay. I can’t tell you what to do. You must make your own way. I’m sorry. If you have known her, you should know that she doesn’t just “move on.” Just keep reminding her that you love her. Don’t tell her when you’re coming back. Uh-oh, I got to go it looks like Caitlynn is arguing with Maddox again about her boyfriend! Wish me luck. I love and miss you and Carson. Call me whenever!”
“Love you, too. Good luck with those two! Bye!”
Leaning my head back I look at the sky. I need to do what I told my dad I was going to do. Pulling up my messaging app, I text her.
My girl: Hey babe! Just wanted to let you know I love and miss you more than ever. Dad is doing very well. Thanks again for the help. Mom sends her love. I can’t wait to see you again. Love you more than you will ever know.
Hitting send, I watch as it says it’s been delivered, and then a few seconds later, I know she has read it. My heart skips a couple beats, when those three little dots come on. I hold my breath waiting to see her response. They just keep blinking. Finally, I put my phone in my pocket and head to the house to get stuff ready.
Carly Present
Today has been one for the books. I was sitting in my office holding my phone thinking of calling him, when his text came in. There were so many things I wanted to say to him. I’m sorry I made mistakes also. I miss you. I need to tell you something. And the list goes on, but instead, I respond with, “I’m happy for your dad, tell your mom I love her also, and thank you for thinking of me.” Hitting send, as I push through the operating room doors. Nineteen and a half hours later, I’m finally done for the day. I don’t even have the energy to talk to my mom tonight. I just go home strip my clothes off on the way to the bathroom. Once in there, I turn the hot water on and just stand under the spray. I haven’t started showing yet, and I hope I don’t, until after Thanksgiving, when I have a chance to tell Carson. I stay in the shower until the water turns cooler. Getting out I dry off and lotion up. I don’t have the energy to eat, so I slip between the sheets of my bed and go to sleep.
These last five weeks have been much of the same. On days, I’m on call I’m working at least nineteen hours per day. I have already told my supervisors that once I get closer to my due date, and after the babies are here, I won’t be working so much. Every Wednesday, like clockwork, I get a delivery of flowers. Several times every day, I get text messages from Xavier and Carson. I know that Michael is home and is recovering very well. I also know that Carson went there to help our dad get into rehab. Carson wasn’t sure when he would be home, but he was hoping before Thanksgiving. Xavier hasn’t said if he is coming back or staying there. I just finished with my doctor appointment, and I’m thrilled because one week after thanksgiving, I get to find out the sex of the babies! I have been doing a little shopping. The first was the biggest purchase a 2014 Ford escape. Then I bought two car seats. I’ve been looking at cribs and bedding, but I kind of want to wait to see them. I guess, I feel like I’ll know what they will like just by seeing them. Mom says that’s normal parental instincts. I think I’m crazy.
Finally, it’s one week before Thanksgiving, and I’m off until Tuesday, as I’m on call from Thanksgiving Thursday through next Tuesday. I’m sitting at my desk finishing up paperwork, when there is a knock on my door, I’m trying to finish what I’m working on, so I call a random “come on in”. I don’t even have to look up to know it’s him. My body comes alive. Slowly, I raise my eyes up to look at him. He’s leaning against the door frame with his arms and legs crossed. If I was anyone else, I’d say it’s a relaxed look, but I see the stress, and uncertainty in his eyes. “Hey, how is your dad?” I know its lame, but I’m not sure what else to say.
“He was fine, when I left, and I haven’t had any messages or calls, so my guess, he’s fine. Is that really what you want to ask?”
“I’m not sure what you mean. Maybe you have something to say?”
“Oh, baby I have a lot to say. I have missed you like you wouldn’t believe. Why didn’t you call and talk to me? Why did you just file for divorce? Which I can assure you we will NOT be getting.”
“Umm, okay I didn’t call, because you left me, not only at the hotel, but our home. YOU LEFT WITHOUT A NOTE OR ANYTHING. So, you don’t get to come in here and ask me that. I went out to have dinner at local places with friends or family, and I see you with other women. Then, one day your just gone. So, what was I to think? I figured you got tired of me, so I was saving you the trouble. That is why I didn’t call you, and that is why I filed for divorce. What makes you believe that we are not getting one?”
“For one thing, I refuse to sign the papers. As a matter of fact, I shredded them. By the way those “women” you saw me with? They are party planners helping me plan an anniversary party for my parents. There has been NO ONE, since we were in high school for me, except you.”
I watch, as he lazily drops his arms and uncrosses his legs, before standing at his full height. His eyes never leave mine, as he stalks his way a crossed the room and pulls my chair out and traps me with his hands on the arm of my chair. I feel his breath on my face, as he leans his forehead against mine. Home. That is what this feels like. It’s like everything bad has washed away, and I’m happy again.
“Therefore, we are NOT now or ever getting divorced.” Lifting his head off mine, he looks me in the eyes. Baby, I love you, and I’m not going anywhere.” With that, he seals his lips over mine.
It’s a quick kiss, but enough to get my heart racing. Turning and walking away, he stops at the doorw
ay, looking over his shoulder and says, “I’ll be seeing you soon, babe.” With a wink, he’s out the door.
Every day for the next seven days I receive text messages from him. The first is always the same:
Day 1: Can you forgive me now? We have come so far. For all my life, I’m yours and only yours.
Day 2: Can you forgive me now? You make me the man I’m meant to be. I love you.
Day 3: What about now? What if our love is lost, because we didn’t say what needed to be said? I love and miss you.
Day 4: how about today? I need my light back in my life. I need, want, love, and miss you.
Day 5: What about today? I hope your well. I have a confession. I call your phone, when I know you can’t answer just to hear your voice on your voicemail greeting. Miss and love you.
Day 6: Please just tell me it’s not too late, and that you can forgive me. We have come so far, baby. I’m so sorry. It’s all my fault. Can we start over? I love and miss you.
Your mom invited me to dinner. If you would prefer me to not come, I will do whatever you want. I’m sorry. I love you.
Right about then the walls around my heart shattered. Pressing the phone icon to call him. How ironic it is that it goes to voicemail.
“Xavier, I love and miss you also. I don’t know how to fix what is broken. I want to forgive you, but just the knowing that you didn’t trust me to make the right decision for us destroys me. More than that you didn’t even ask me why I made the decision I made. You didn’t give me a chance, if you would have… well, it doesn’t matter what’s done is done. All I can say is I love you with my whole heart, but for a relationship to work it must start with trust. Just like building a house, if the foundation isn’t solid it doesn’t hold forever without trust a relationship isn’t going to make it forever. Without trust you have nothing. I’m fine with you joining us for dinner. I’m on call, so I’ll be there, when I can.”