by R. S James
Wednesday night after work, I swing by the grocery store and grab the pies and cool whip that I need to take for the dinner. I’m missing Caitlynn, so I figure I can go over for a little while and maybe she will help me bake the pies! I call Mom to make sure it’s all good. She is so excited her and Maddox are going to go out for dinner, while I hang with Caitlynn. She is on a nail polish kick right now, so I grab a couple bottles! I’m excited about girl time. She’s been kind of withdrawn, since Xavier and I broke up or whatever than more so, when she found out I was pregnant. Maybe, we can go shopping tonight also! I get there, and she comes running. Oh, my goodness. I have missed her. The best feeling in the world is her arms around my neck, and her whispering how much she loves and has missed me.
“Sissy, can we go to the park? I want to go out for dinner with you, too, please?”
“Whoa, slow down, babe! Yes, we can go to the park for an hour. Where do you want to eat? And the most important questions, can we do our nails, and can you help me bake the pies?”
Dropping her head down she states, “I don’t care, sis. Whatever the kids want.”
There it is the attitude.
“Hey, why don’t you like my babies? They are going to love you.”
“You won’t have time for me, and they will take you from me. Xavier and Carson don’t have time for me. Nobody wants me anymore.” It’s then that the tears are flowing down both of our faces. Mom finds us outside sitting in the yard, holding each other and crying forty minutes later.
“Girls! What on earth are you doing out here crying? Get up, and let’s get you in the house.”
“Oh, Mom. Don’t worry we will be okay. You have a date, so go on with yourself.”
“No, girls. I think your mom needs to be here with you tonight, so our date can wait. Besides, the guys just called, and they need my help.”
“Maddox, you don’t have to change your plans just because I’m an emotional basket case! Caitlynn and I will be okay. We just have to start talking and listening to each other.”
“Hey, can I get a vote? I would like to hang out with the girls, and then when they go for dinner. I’ll meet you babe, and we can have dinner. That way I get the best of both worlds!”
Mom and Maddox get lost in each other, so Caitlynn and I go around front and are sitting on the swing talking. She tells me about her fear of losing me, and I reassure her as best as possible that I’m not going anywhere. She will always have a piece of my heart. I explain to her that I need her to help with the babies, they will need help learning to walk, talk, and share everything. She lights up at that. She is talking a mile a minute, when I feel a kick. Off in the distance, I hear a truck, but I don’t pay much attention. I grab Caitlynn’s hand and place it on my belly, so she can feel the kick. Her whole face lights up! I feel someone watching me. I turn my head, and there stands Mom with her phone out, she got the picture! I’m looking around for Maddox, and Mom must understand, as she tells me that he just left with Carson and Xavier. I suck in a quick breath; it hurts that I’m doing this alone. He doesn’t even know he’s going to be a dad. Mom gives me a look, and I just shake my head, dropping the conversation, before it begins. We do our nails bake the pies and just hang out and catch up. Before I know it, it’s time to take Mom to meet Maddox and for Caitlynn and me to have dinner. We eat with Mom and Maddox, as I must be at the hospital at five tomorrow morning. Once I get home, the stress of the last week and the melt down with Caitlynn catch up to me. Getting in the shower, I cry for Caitlynn and her feelings of inadequacy. I cry for the lives I’m carrying, and their father that knows nothing of them yet. I know I need to tell him, but I don’t know how or when. Finally, the water is cooling off, and I’m out of tears. I get out and do my nightly routine, slipping into bed I instantly fall into a restless sleep. I arrive at the hospital to start my day. I do my rounds and check on the new patients. Everyone is doing well, so I leave to make it to Mom’s for dinner. I get there and am greeted by Caitlynn. One would think I haven’t seen her in years! We make our way in the kitchen to steal a snack, as she is “starving”. Carson catches us and tells me he needs to speak to me privately. Caitlynn is playing a game on my phone, so we head down the hall to Mom’s room.
“Hey. How have you been?”
“Carson, you know how I’ve been. Please, your freaking me out just tell me what’s up, before my pager goes off.”
“Okay, you know how I’ve been gone, and I couldn’t tell you where I was? Well, I helped dad get into a rehab place.”
“What happened to his money, his house?”
“Clarissa is what happened, and no he is not leaving her. He truly believes they can make it work. I didn’t push it I just wanted to get him help.”
“Wow, okay thanks. Does he need anything else? I mean is there anything I can or should be doing?”
“Not right now. He didn’t want you to know, and Mom agreed with that. So, what’s going on with you?”
“Well, you’re going to be an uncle in about four months. I’m pregnant with twins! Yes, they are Xavier’s, and no he doesn’t know.”
“Umm, I don’t know a lot about this kind of stuff, but aren’t you going to get big?” At my nod, he continues, “I would think it would be best to tell him, instead of letting him find out a different way.”
“Look, Carson, I don’t like this any better than you do. However, when he walked away and just left. No note, no nothing. He broke me. He didn’t trust me. Honestly, I don’t know how to move on from that. I will tell him, I promise.” Just then my pager goes off.
Running out of the house and out in my car, I see Xavier and Caitlynn, standing on the porch waving bye to me.
Once I make my way back to Mom’s, I’m emotionally drained. I tried to get out of coming back here, but she was having none of that. So, here I am. Running in, I go straight to the bathroom and empty my stomach. Once I’m done with that and get my legs steady, I make my way to the sink. Looking at my face in the mirror, I look like a zombie, because I’m so white. I splash some water on my face and brush my teeth, as Caitlynn comes to get me, telling me everyone is waiting at the table for me.
I’m sitting between Carson and Xavier. Yeah, this is going to be interesting. As soon as I sit down, they both start talking to me. Holding my hands up towards both of them, I state, “Look, I need about twenty-five minutes to decompress from what just happened okay. Then Xavier, you and I can talk about everything, and Carson we can as well. Just please, let’s have this dinner as a family. There are so many people that don’t get this opportunity.”
Since all eyes are on me, I guess I’ll stand and say what I’m thankful for this year. “This year I’m thankful for all of you. You have each taught me something and are a part of my heart that holds me together. So, thank you.”
Sitting down, Carson goes next, “I’m thankful for second chances, rather for you, or the other person. Everyone deserves a second chance.”
Now, it’s Maddox, “I’m thankful for this, my family. I didn’t know what I was missing out on, until you all came into my life. Now, I can’t imagine life without any of you in it.”
My mom goes next, “This morning I woke up and was thinking, man, I miss my mom and her making all this food. I was missing her so much, and then I was thinking someday, you guys will think the same thing! I could go the easy route and be thankful for the medicine that helped save me, or my husband or children. However, I’m thankful for all of that, but more importantly, I’m thankful that I raised my children to give second chances. Carson, I know how hard it was for you to help your dad, but he needed it, so thank you. Carly, as you said a lot of families don’t get to sit down and have Thanksgiving dinner together. So again, I’m thankful you are all here. Xavier, I’m thankful for you, and for all you have done for us and with us. We love you. Caitlynn, my sweet, sweet girl. You were a shining star, when my world was so dark. Thank you for being you and loving me, as I do you. Maddox, thank you for never doubting us, our ch
ildren, or our fate. I love you more today than yesterday, but less then tomorrow.”
Xavier stands, going next, “Wow, Claire. I’m not sure how to beat that! Today and every day, I’m thankful to be alive, and I’m also thankful to be Carly’s husband. I’m also thankful for this rough patch we are going through because I know it will only strengthen our relationship in the future.”
Caitlynn yells out, “I’m thankful for my boyfriend, Jackson! And that I get to help my sissy with her babies!”
Every eye turns to me, and my stomach is rolling, as I run to the bathroom once again. Once I’m done, I lay my head on the lid, as I feel a cool wash rag on my neck.
“So, you’re having your rapist’s baby? Do I get a say, or is that why you sent me the divorce papers?”
I feel my blood boil, and I’m so angry, but I’m more hurt than anything. Getting up, I go back to the dining room and grab my purse.
“Okay, now that everyone is here. I’m pregnant with twins, and my “husband” is the father. Yes, Xavier you are the father, and that is why I refused the morning after pill, because I already knew I was pregnant. The divorce papers were because you left! You left me in a hospital with no note, no message. NOTHING!!!!! So, I figured you were done, and there was no sense in pro-longing the marriage. Today, when I got the page, it was my patient, Ralph, and he passed away. So, if everyone will excuse me, I’m going to go home and rest, before I get another page or something else blows up in my face. Happy Thanksgiving.”
Xavier Present
Holy shit. I’m going to be a dad! I don’t know how I should feel, but I’m so excited! Getting up to go get my girl, I’m stopped by Carson.
“Dude, what the fu...freak are you doing? I need to go get Carly. We are having babies together.”
“X man, you know I love you both, but right now, she won’t hear you. She is hurting. Please, let me go see her, and I’ll call or text you, okay?”
“I want to go be with her. No, I should be with her.”
“Xavier, come sit down. I want to talk to you. Carson, go check on your sister and take her a plate of food, please.”
Nodding, he heads out to take care of my girl and my babies. Turning, I see Claire, and in her eyes, I see sadness and compassion.
“Xavier, we all know you and Carly love each other, but I have to ask you, is it enough? Because I can promise you, if you guys got back together for it to fall apart again, I don’t think she would be able to come back. If she wasn’t pregnant this time, I’m not sure she would be here with us today. No, I don’t think she would hurt herself. I just think she would’ve packed up and moved away. She was devastated, when she was released from the hospital, and you had packed up all your stuff from the hotel, and it was just gone. She knew it was wrong to not tell you. In her defense, she believed she was saving you from the heartache of losing another child. When actually, she was protecting herself from becoming too attached and losing it again.”
“Claire, please stop saying “it.” They are products of Carly and I’s love for one another. I know what I did was wrong, and I wasn’t thinking…. I was just acting on impulse. The truth is I was only going back to the hotel, and then for a walk. However, when I got there, and Mom called, I just packed up and left. I never believed she would think I was just done. I don’t know how or who to be without her. Please Claire, tell me what to do here.”
“I can’t tell you what to do. You have to know her enough to know what to do. I can say that I believe you two will make it.”
Nodding my head, I lean over and kiss her cheek. Stopping on my way out to hug and kiss Caitlynn, I tell her, “I’ll see you soon. We have a date!” Going home, my mind is going in a million different directions. On one hand, I want to go to Carly and hold her and promise her everything will be perfect. But knowing her the way I do, she’s going to need me to prove to her. Not with words, but with actions. Walking alone into my empty apartment, is not what I had in mind for tonight. Making my way into the kitchen, I grab a beer and take a long drink, before checking my phone. There is nothing, as I look at the clock, seeing it’s early. I call Mom to check on her and Dad, and she sounds content. I wonder how long she felt he didn’t love her? Anyway, they make plans to come visit next month.
I decide to go work out in my gym in the basement. Finally, two hours later, my phone rings. “Dude, what took you so long? I was about to send search and rescue to find you.”
“Hold your panties. She cried a lot, and then she went in the bathroom, and when she came out, she said, “What will be will be, and I have two lives growing inside me that need me.” I tried the chick flick, dinner, and everything else I could think of. She just told me to leave, and she wanted a hot shower and yoga pants.”
“Okay, I think I have a plan. I’m going to call and ask her out on a date. You know, take it back to the beginning. Thanks for the help, bro. Talk to you later!”
Debating with myself for about ten minutes about rather I should call or text, I decide to call, and if she doesn’t answer, I’ll leave a voicemail, and then text.
“Hey.”
“Hey, Carly. How are you?”
“I’m fine, you?”
“I miss you.”
“Xavier is there a reason for this call?”
“I’m sorry. I was wondering if you would be willing to help me finish my Christmas shopping tomorrow, and then I can take you out to dinner?”
“Umm, did you forget we are broken up?”
“Babe, we are not broken up. We are simply taking a break. Now, can I please take my wife out on a date tomorrow?”
“Can I let you know tomorrow? Tonight, has been rough, and I don’t want to chance anything.”
“Do you want some company?”
“Not tonight, thank you. I’ll text you in the morning and let you know.”
“No, babe, I’ll call you. If you need ANYTHING tonight, call me. I love you.”
“We’ll see. Goodnight, Xavier.
“Goodnight, angel.”
Carly Present
Why does this have to hurt so bad? Sometimes, I wish I couldn’t feel anything. I love him no doubt, but there is a question that still remains. Do I trust him to trust me?
Seriously, I need a magic wand. Setting my phone on the nightstand in my room, I grab my Nook to get lost in my fictional world!
As I read the words “The End,” I look over at the clock, seeing it’s four forty-seven in the morning. Wow, I was really into that book. My phone is flashing a text alert.
“You have loved me, until I loved you so much more! Please, tell me I’m not alone in wanting this to work. Please, tell me what I have to do to keep you. You are my magic, my soul, my heart, and my everything. I love you always.”
The tears are falling, before I even get done with the first sentence. I decide that I cannot just give up. I must give him a chance to at least explain himself to me.
“I’ll meet you at noon. You’re not alone. I just need to make sure it’s forever this time. This relationship must have one-hundred percent trust, or it won’t work. I love and miss you.”
With my phone in my hands, I fall asleep with a small smile on my lips.
I wake up, when I hear a horrible pounding. Getting up, I stumble to the front door, peeking through the side window, I see Xavier standing there. He still makes me feel the butterflies. “Hang on, I’ll be right back.”
“Babe, I’ve seen every inch of you, Just let me in.”
Opening the door, I step to the side, so he can come in. I look at him, and he has dark rings under his eyes, but his jeans still fit him perfect. He is also holding flowers. Looking up to his face, he must read the question in my eyes.
“Babe, this is our first date. A gentleman always brings his girl flowers.”
“Thank you. Let me go put these in a vase, and then I’ll go get dressed.”
“Put those flowers in a vase, and then let’s talk for a little while. Okay?”
“Oh, okay. D
o you want something to eat or drink?”
“No, babe. Go on, and I’ll get you a bagel and some orange juice.”
With a nod of my head, I turn to leave the kitchen, when he grabs my hand, and I turn around.
“I’m sorry, babe, but this has to be done,” he says, before his lips crash into mine.
I kiss him back with everything I have in me. My body feels alive in a way that it hasn’t, since the last time we kissed. I can’t believe I thought I could live the rest of my life without this.
Leaning his forehead against mine, he whispers, “God, baby. I have missed you, and missed us, so fucking much. I’m so sorry for not trusting you. Please, can we pick up where we left off?”
“No!”
“What do you mean no?”
“I mean no, we can’t just pick up where we left off. No, I can’t just be your friend, and it has to be all or nothing. If we are going to do this, we must start at the beginning. We have to start with trust, because without trust, we have nothing.”
“Okay.”
“That’s it? Just okay?”
“Yes, if we have to start at the beginning, then that is what I will do in order to keep you in my life. I don’t think you understand how much I need you in my life, Carly. When it’s one fifty-seven in the morning, and I can’t sleep, I pull the pillowcase that smells like you out and sleep with it. When something good, bad, or indifferent happens, I want to call and tell you. Hell, sometimes I just need to hear your voice, so I’ll call your phone to hear you talk on your voicemail. Does that make me creepy? Maybe. That doesn’t change the fact I need you. It’s not just a want it’s a need. I need you like I need air to breathe. I know we can make us something beautiful, and my life with you means everything, so I won’t give up easily. I’m prepared to fight for us.”
Walking to the kitchen, I put my flowers in a vase, and then set the vase on the windowsill above my kitchen window. Turning to go get dressed, Xavier is leaning on the door frame between my kitchen and dining room with a smirk, playing on his lips. Shrugging my shoulders, I walk out of the room and down the hall to my bedroom. I must decide, on whether I want to take the risk of getting hurt again or playing it safe. I’m not sure there is really a choice to be made. If I hadn’t followed my heart to begin with, I wouldn’t have these beautiful babies. I guess I have to just pull up my big girl panties (no pun intended) and take a risk. Slipping on a pair of black leggings and a red flowy top, I head out to the front room. Xavier is sitting on the couch; I move to walk past him and sit on the other side. He grabs my hand, pulling me down on his lap. Rubbing his nose up and down the side of my neck, he whispers, “I’ve missed this. Your scent, you in my arms, and everything about you.” I feel the tears welling up in my eyes, and I can’t stop them from flowing.