This Is Love

by Ivy Smoak

  “You’re…you…” I couldn’t say the words. “No.”

  Now he was the one holding my face, trying to get me to look at him. To understand the unspeakable.

  “No, no, no.”

  “Look at me,” he said. “I’m right here. Right now. We still have time.”

  I lifted my eyes to his. “You can’t.” I couldn’t make myself say it. “You can’t.”

  “Baby, I care more about you than I care about life itself.”

  I shook my head. “Don’t say that.”

  “It’s true.” He wiped away my tears with his thumbs. “We can enjoy whatever time we have. The four of us. It’s what you asked for.”

  “I never asked for this. All I want is you. All I’ve ever wanted was you.”

  “And you’ll always have a piece of me. In Scarlett. In Liam. They’ll be there even if I’m not.”

  He’s dying. I finally let myself think the word. Death. It rolled around in my head. Death was not an option. It felt like there was a knife in my chest. Nothing was more painful than a short life.

  I was wrong before. He wasn’t the one that was breaking. I was. I had just gotten my life back. I had just remembered what we had. Only to have it ripped away from me?

  No. Hell no. My husband was not going to die. My son was not going to die. Nothing was going to strip me of this life I had fought so hard to get back. That we had fought so hard for in the first place. No. “No.”

  “Penny, it’s not just something you can choose not to accept…”

  “Yes it is. I don’t accept it.” Earlier tonight made so much more sense. He wasn’t talking about an affair at Grottos. He was trying to tell me that he wasn’t well. But James was not dying. I wouldn’t allow it.

  “Baby…”

  “This is not our fate. We’re going to grow old together. We’re going to be sitting on some porch in rocking chairs with all our grandchildren surrounding us. That’s our fate. I’m sorry you’ve had to face all of this on your own. But you’re not on your own anymore. I’m right here. I’m going to take care of you.”

  He shook his head.

  “The best cardiologist in the U.S. is coming to see you tomorrow. That whack-job in New York? He didn’t have the answers. He didn’t even know that I was being poisoned.”

  “No one knew you were being poisoned.”

  “Scarlett did. And she’s not even four. Our doctors were basically toddlers.”

  He sighed and pulled me to his chest. “You can’t just will my heart to heal.”

  “Do you wanna bet?”

  He laughed. “No, I don’t want to make a bet. I want you to be right.”

  “I’m right. I know I’m right.” I listened to his heartbeat. Earlier today I had thought it was so steady. A few hours could change so much. I squeezed my eyes shut and focused on its thumping. The doctors were wrong. There was nothing wrong with James’ heart. Someone who loved so hard couldn’t possibly have a broken heart.

  Chapter 16

  Wednesday - James

  I watched Penny breathing peacefully in her sleep. I knew she hadn’t fallen asleep until recently because I hadn’t been sleeping either. It felt like her eyes had bore into my soul all night long. Like she was afraid I'd slip away if she closed her eyes.

  I stared at her shining hair on the pillow and the slope of her neck. The freckles beneath her blonde lashes. She hated how invisible her eyebrows and eyelashes were without makeup. But God was she beautiful. Just like this. The soft morning light streaming through the blinds cast shadows that heightened her features. Perfect.

  I swallowed down the lump rising in my throat. I'd wanted to be strong for her and I had fallen apart. But the way she looked at me last night didn’t make me feel weak. It made me feel like there was still hope. I knew that hope was a dangerous thing. I knew how much hope could hurt when things turned south. And it was hard enough hoping for our son to get better. How could we possibly hold out even more hope?

  I had seen the look on my doctor’s face when he went over my results. And for weeks, I had just ignored it. I thought the physical therapy would help. And I had other more important things on my mind. The health of my wife and child. I hadn’t really faced the possibility that I was about to lose everything until last night. It felt so real. With our skin pressed together and our breaths intertwining, I could easily picture that mine would be gone. And she’d be alone. I’d leave her all alone.

  She moaned softly in her sleep, her lips parting with each little breath.

  Penny didn’t deserve a life alone. And the thought of her being with another man made my stomach turn over. She couldn’t be alone. And she couldn’t be with someone else. So that meant I had to figure this out. There had to be a solution I hadn’t thought of.

  Penny made another moaning noise.

  I reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. It was impossible not to touch her. It was like her body had a gravitational pull on my hand.

  She slowly opened up her eyes. “Hey.”

  “Hey.” I let my hand slide down her neck.

  She shifted closer to me. “It’s weird being back here, right? Where we first started?” She didn’t say it, but I heard, “and where we might end?” in her silence.

  I shook away the thought. “Do you miss it?”

  “No.” She sighed and closed her eyes again. “All I need is you. I’d go anywhere for you.” She reached out and put her hand against my chest. Her eyebrows lowered slightly in concentration.

  “What are you thinking?”

  She opened her eyes. “I’m wishing. But I don’t think it’s necessary. It’s going to be a good day. I can tell.” Her fingers slowly trailed across my chest, lightly touching my scars, and stopped on the side of my ribcage. “I saw these the other day.” She traced my tattoo with her thumb. “At the time I didn’t remember that it had been just me. I should have at least put together the fact that the Liam one was new.” She looked back up at me. “When did you add Scarlett and Liam?”

  “My beautiful wife mentioned that my heart beats for my whole family now. You had asked me to add Scarlett awhile ago. And when you were unconscious…it was the one thing I could think of that I hadn’t given you that you wanted. I thought that maybe if I made good on my promises you’d come back to me.”

  “You thought I wasn’t waking up because I was mad at you?”

  “It was a hard two weeks.”

  “I’ll always come back to you.” She nestled into my chest. “And you added Liam too.” There was an awkward pause. “What if he doesn’t make it?”

  “What happened to your high hopes?”

  “I think sometimes when you spread out your hope all of it feels a little fleeting.” She took a deep breath. “A good night’s sleep would have helped to recharge my positivity reserves, but I couldn’t fall asleep.”

  “Me either.” I ran my hand up and down her back. “Liam will always be a part of this family. No matter how long he’s with us.”

  She tilted her head up and kissed beneath my chin. “I like the new tattoos. Always desecrating your perfect body.” She kissed me again. “Thank you.”

  I held her tightly against my chest.

  “We should get going. Liam’s results will be in soon.”

  “You have no idea what time it is.” I kissed the top of her head, not letting her move an inch.

  “The sun is up. If the sun is up, that means we get the results soon.” She squirmed in my embrace.

  “It’s barely 6 a.m. and Dr. Hughes said he wouldn’t be in until 10.”

  “Then we can wait at the hospital. Just in case he comes early.” She ducked out of my arms and shoved the blankets off of us. My t-shirt that she had worn to bed rose up her legs, showing just enough of her ass to make me forget what we had even been talking about.

  “I think we could both use a distraction,” I said.

  She laughed as I dragged her back down onto the bed, pinning her in place just where I wan
ted her. She looked up at me with that smile I loved so much. Her hair cascaded over the pillow in pure perfection as she pretended to push me away again.

  “How did I get so lucky?”

  She winked. “By breaking all the rules.”

  I felt like I had been carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders for weeks. Now that I had Penny back in my arms? Anything was possible. But first, I was pretty sure she was asking me to break a few rules. Our house had always been pretty lawless though. So she’d have to suffice with a tickle war that would definitely end with us both naked on the floor.

  She broke into a fit of giggles before my hand even reached under her arm.

  “Don’t even think about it!” She tried to squirm out of my grip again. But she wasn’t going anywhere this time. She was all mine. Her heart. Her soul. Even her armpit.

  ***

  Penny’s leg bounced up and down as we waited in Dr. Hughes’ office. I placed my hand on top of it so that she’d stop, but she proceeded to bounce her knee up and down, moving me with it.

  “It’s five after ten,” she said. “Do you think that means something’s wrong?”

  I squeezed her knee, but that still didn’t stop her. “No, he’s a busy doctor in a busy hospital. That’s why he couldn’t come to New York, right? His schedule wouldn’t allow it?”

  “Right.” She finally stopped bouncing her knee.

  I wanted to distract her. I reached into my pocket and felt her engagement ring and wedding band. But not with that. This wasn’t the time or place for a proposal. Instead, I reached into my other pocket and pulled out her cell phone. “I meant to give this back to you a while ago. I should have given it to you right away. I was just worried that you might try to reach out to someone you knew from your past instead of trying to connect with me.” I handed it to her.

  “You probably made the right call. I was so scared of you.” She shook her head. “Scared is probably the wrong word. I was more intimidated than anything. And confused about how someone like you could end up with someone like me.”

  You could do it now. I could get down on one knee and put a smile on her face instead of a frown. I could distract her from our fears. But it just didn’t feel right still. Not like this. “You mean someone truly and utterly perfect for me? It was an easy decision.”

  Her cheeks turned red. “I don’t know how you did all these doctor check-ins by yourself while I was unconscious,” she said, trying to subtly change the subject, but failing completely. “I don’t think I could stand it.”

  “I usually didn’t. Rob or my dad came to a lot of them with me. Liam and I were rarely ever alone in the hospital. With all our family and friends visiting you and him, I'm surprised there were ever any empty seats in the waiting room.”

  She smiled, but her lips were pressed tightly together. “I can’t believe I didn’t remember everyone. How empty my life would have been.”

  “But you did remember.”

  “I still need to apologize to everyone. Especially about trying to run away.”

  “Penny, it’s okay. You’re here now. That’s all that matters.”

  “I wish Dr. Hughes was here right now too.”

  I laughed. “Don’t make me tickle you again.”

  “You wouldn’t dare.”

  I raised my eyebrow. “Wouldn’t I though?”

  She smiled, genuinely this time. “I love when you do that.” She reached up and ran her index finger across my left eyebrow. “It’s sinful what that does to me.”

  It seemed an awful lot like she was the one trying to distract me now. Before I could think of how I could actually make it sinful, the door behind us opened.

  A nurse walked in. “I’m so sorry, but two of Dr. Hughes’ patients just went into labor. There was a full moon last night so we’ve been pretty busy. It’ll be a little while before he’s able to sit down with the two of you…”

  “Do you have the results of the tests?” Penny asked. She was staring at the notebook in the nurse’s hand.

  “Oh, no. I’m not the one to deliver news. Dr. Hughes wants to do that personally. And he’ll be able to sit down with you shortly. Maybe in an hour or so. But in the meantime, we do have an exam room set up for you, Mr. Hunter. Dr. Young will be arriving any minute and we need to get all your tests done. We didn’t expect his early arrival so we need to get started as soon as possible.” She laughed nervously and checked her watch.

  “Tests?” I asked. “I was under the impression that we were just going to go over my options.”

  The nurse shook her head. “No, he wants to run an EKG, echocardiogram, and a full stress test. So…we should get started.” She opened the door for me.

  “Is it okay if I come too?” Penny asked as we both stood up.

  “If that’s alright with you, Mr. Hunter,” the nurse said.

  “Of course.” I grabbed Penny’s hand and we followed the nurse out of the office and down the hall. All night and all morning we had been waiting for Liam’s results. My thoughts were far away from my own problems. I could only focus on one issue at a time. Which was probably why I hadn’t made a decision about what to do with my heart. I was waiting to hear if Liam was going to be okay. For weeks I had done nothing but wait. I had tried to ignore it, hoping that if I did the problem would just go away. But pretending it was getting stronger hadn’t helped. Nothing had helped.

  The nurse opened up a door and stopped so abruptly that Penny and I almost ran into her.

  “Excuse me sir, but you can’t be in here,” she said.

  I peered over her shoulder to see a man in jeans and a plaid shirt fooling with the settings on a treadmill in the corner. He cleared his throat and turned around. His long white beard almost reached his pants.

  “Hello,” he said in a cheery voice. “I’m Dr. Young. Come in, come in. We should get started.”

  He was quite rotund for a cardiologist. It looked like the suspenders he was wearing were actually necessary and not just a hipster fashion statement. He practically looked the way Santa Claus was depicted. He was the best cardiologist in the states? Was Penny serious about this? And why was he dressed like he was in a cabin up north? I thought Penny said he had been on vacation in Miami.

  “Oh.” The nurse didn’t move. “You’re Dr. Young?” She seemed as confused as me.

  But I guess Penny recognized him from her research because she rushed into the room. “Thank you so much for agreeing to meet us here.”

  He clasped her outstretched hand between both of his. “No problem, dear. I’m happy to help.”

  The nurse walked into the room. “It’ll take me about 45 minutes to run all the tests you required. If you’d like to get changed in the staff lounge…”

  I almost laughed, but bit my tongue. Clearly I wasn’t the only one alarmed by his appearance.

  “Nonsense,” Dr. Young said. “I’ll just do the tests myself.”

  “Are you sure? I already have everything set up and…”

  “Of course I’m sure,” he said with a laugh. “These folks have requested to see me. I’ll give them all my time. There’s nothing else I need to do in Delaware. Such a quaint little town.”

  I was pretty sure he lived in the middle of the woods in a log cabin, so I had no idea why he thought Newark was so quaint.

  “Did you want me to at least grab you a lab coat?” the nurse asked. “Or…a stethoscope maybe?”

  “Nope. I have it right here.” He reached into one of the pockets in his jeans, pulled a stethoscope out, blew on it, and wiped it on his flannel shirt. “Good as new.”

  What the hell? Who was this lunatic?

  “Okay then. I’ll just leave you to it. Page me if you need any assistance. The EKG machine is pretty new and…”

  “We’re good.” He shooed her away. “Come in, Mr. Hunter. Let’s get to the bottom of what’s happening in that chest of yours. Just give me a minute to figure out this…oh…never mind, it’s already on.” He squirted a big glob of
that jelly stuff used for echos onto the ground. “Warmer is on. Nothing worse than that being spread on you when it’s cold. This warmer is the best development in the cardiology field in a decade.” He chuckled to himself.

  Really? The best development in a decade? “Penny, can I talk to you for a minute?” I asked and glared at her. She had to be kidding with this. My cardiologist in New York City was more competent than this old lumberjack.

  “Can’t it wait?” she asked. “James, he’s flown all the way here.”

  “It’s important.”

  “Nothing is as important as the health of your heart,” Dr. Young said. “Well, besides for the health of your brain maybe. Mental health I mean. You both seem pretty good there though. Quick as a whip. You should take off your shirt.”

  I shook my head.

  “James, take off your shirt,” Penny said. Her voice was so stern that there was no room to argue.

  If being examined by this lunatic was going to put her mind at east, then fine. But I wasn’t going to listen to anything he had to say. He was a whack job. Hopefully Liam’s doctor was actually good. We had met him last night and he at least acted and looked normal. Now I wasn’t so sure. Maybe Penny had accidentally looked at a list of doctors recently diagnosed with insanity.

  I pulled my shirt off and went over to the exam table that Dr. Young was patting way too enthusiastically.

  “Great, now just lie back. We’re going to do the EKG first so that the gel has more time to warm up. Don’t want to send your whole body into shock.” He took my shirt from my hand and tossed it toward Penny. It made it only halfway there and landed on the floor.

  This guy was bad at everything. I slowly lay down and he started attaching the little stickers and wires all over my chest. I’d had plenty of EKG’s done and they usually went just like this. At least he seemed like he knew what he was doing here. But when he leaned over to attach a few of the wires his long beard tickled my skin, throwing any confidence I had in him out the window.

  “What do you do when you have a surgery?” I asked and nodded to his beard.