This Is Love

by Ivy Smoak

  “You’re a perfect 10.”

  “I don’t know how Daphne isn’t always mad at you.”

  “She understands me. Just like James understands you. And loves you. He’s not going to divorce you, Penny. Not in a million years.”

  I ran my thumb along the tan line on my ring finger. I hope you’re right. “Hey, you got me to stop crying.”

  “It was all my lines right? How about…your body is a wonderland?”

  “I’m going to go hang out with Liam. He can’t say inappropriate things yet.”

  “Silence is consent.”

  “Gross, Rob.”

  He laughed. “I love you, Penny. Cheer up, okay? We’re planning a huge welcome home party for you guys. Bring back J.J. for us.”

  “His name is Liam.” I stood up and brushed the dust off my ass.

  “Whatever. Let me know when you’re heading back. We might even hire your gay wedding planner to organize the event just to make James and Mason super uncomfortable. I’m still a little pissed that he never hit on me.”

  “You can’t hire Justin. He only does weddings. Besides, you can’t have all the men and all the women in New York fawning over you.”

  “Why not? What happened to freedom of…sex or whatever.”

  I laughed. “Bye, Rob.”

  “Bye, sweet-cheeks.”

  I slid the phone back into my pocket. Freedom of sex. Not the right terminology whatsoever. But it had given me an idea. I looked down at my empty ring finger. That was the part of me that was missing. I was used to wearing a ring to symbolize my love and devotion to James. I only saw one way to fix that. I needed to get my rings back.

  I made my way down the hall to the NICU. The only problem with getting my rings back was that I didn’t know how. Should I just ask for them back? Should I propose?

  The nurse started unhooking Liam from tubes and machines when I walked in. After a few minutes, he was in my arms and for a moment I was able to forget about all my worries. He felt so comfortable in my arms. I hoped he felt as comforted by my presence as I did by his.

  “What do you think, baby boy?” I whispered. “What should I do?”

  He blinked up at me.

  “If I propose, it needs to be the epitome of romance. Your dad always does these huge grand gestures. I want to do something like that for him.”

  He opened his tiny little mouth and yawned.

  “Am I boring you?” I leaned down and kissed his forehead. “What would you do, Liam?”

  He yawned again.

  “It’s easy for you. You’d propose beautifully. You’ll be perfectly romantic just like your father.” I smiled. Just like your father. “You’re brilliant, Liam.” I kissed his forehead again and looked up at the nurse in the room. “Do you know when Dr. Hughes is going to be done with his deliveries?”

  “I haven’t heard anything from him yet, so it’ll still be awhile.”

  “If James comes, could you tell him I stepped out for a minute?”

  “Where should I tell him you’ve gone?”

  “If he’s worried just…have him text me.” I'd almost forgotten that I had my phone back. “I’ll be back soon, baby boy.” I rocked Liam in my arms once more. “Keep Daddy distracted okay?” I handed him over to the nurse and then ran out of the room.

  Chapter 18

  Wednesday - James

  “Try the deep breathing again,” Dr. Young said.

  I concentrated as hard as I could. Inhale. Exhale. But I was thinking about Penny running out of the room. I needed to know if she was okay. I never should have let her leave.

  Dr. Young sighed and removed the wand he had been moving around in the gel. The gel that was practically scalding when he had squirted it onto my chest.

  “You’re not good at this,” he said.

  “Good at what?”

  “Breathing. Breathing, James. Your heart is functioning fine. The reason your cardiologist has been talking about another possible surgery is because you’re going to reverse what your last surgery fixed in a matter of days at this rate. You need to calm down.”

  “I am calm,” I said way too defensively for a calm person.

  Dr. Young untucked his beard from his shirt. “And I’m a canary with a beard.”

  I knew he was trying to make a point. But I didn’t find it funny at all. I sat up, ignoring the gel sliding down my chest.

  “Your mind is getting in the way of your heart’s health.” He tapped the side of my head.

  I pushed his hand away. “I’m gonna go try to find Penny.”

  “Not yet you aren’t. Not till we get to the bottom of this. Come on. Hit me with more of your issues. We’ve been over your worries about your son and wife. What else do you got? I can take it. Canary can handle it.” He grinned at me.

  “I have a therapist.”

  “And for 22 more hours you also have me.” He sat down beside me on the exam table. “Your wife paid me good money to come see you.”

  “I bet she did.”

  “Are you stressed about money?”

  “No.”

  “I know hospital bills can add up, but…”

  “I’m not stressed about money.” It was basically the one thing I wasn’t stressed about.

  “If you keep going at this rate, you’ll force my hand. I’ll have to perform surgery. And your heart is still weak from your last one.”

  I shook my head.

  “I’m good at what I do. But you’ll die if we have to perform that surgery, James. You’ll die.”

  “I don’t know what you want me to say. I told you about my wife and child. I’m worried about both of them. That’s it.”

  “Yet your heart is still racing. There’s something else. Something else that is stressing you out.”

  “I’m not stressed! I’m angry.” I could feel my heart racing just thinking about it.

  Dr. Young nodded expectantly. “Good. And why are you angry?”

  “Because I’m the one that fucked up when I was young. I was the one that got in fights and did drugs and got locked up. This bad karma that my family is experiencing is my fault. They didn’t do anything to deserve any of this. It’s all on me.” It’s all on me.

  “Surely that was all a long time ago now. You’re not such a young man anymore. And karma isn’t real. You know that. That’s not it either. Tell me why you’re angry.”

  “I just told you.”

  “Try again.”

  I ran my fingers through my hair.

  “Maybe it’s not stress or anger. Maybe it’s something else entirely.”

  I shook my head.

  “I think you’re scared, James. Scared of losing that beautiful wife of yours.”

  I shook my head again and pulled the rings out of my pocket. “I’m worried I already lost her.” I turned the rings over in my palm.

  “She gave those back to you?”

  “No. The doctors took them off during her surgery. I’ve wanted to give them back to her. But at first she didn’t remember who I was. And now…now she does.”

  “You’re nervous. To propose a second time to your wife. Why? She already said yes.”

  “She was too young to know better. She’s had years more experience now. She’s lived with me. She’s seen my ups and downs. She knows better now. And she hasn’t made one hint that she wants them back. What if she doesn’t want them back?”

  “That woman in here that I saw? The one that talked to me on the phone for nearly an hour, begging me to come here to see you? That woman loves you, James.” He lifted up his stethoscope and pressed it against my chest. “There. Now that’s the deep breath I’ve been waiting for.”

  I laughed. Did this lunatic actually just help me?

  “I don’t think you believed me when I said it earlier, but karma really doesn’t exist. We control what happens in our lives.”

  “I’m a believer in fate.” Penny was such a believer in it that she had made me a believer too. “Karma. Fate. They must all
be aligned somehow.” I slid the rings back into my pocket.

  “Oh, the fates are real. But karma shmarma. It’s nonsensical. And you remember it.” He patted the gel on my chest. “A few more days of this relaxed breathing and you’ll be as good as new. I’ll stay till the end of the week to monitor your progress. Free of charge because you’ve already paid me much more than a week’s salary. But stick to this and there will be no issues. And certainly no surgery.”

  “Thank you.” My words didn’t feel like enough. This man had just told me what I needed to do to get my life back. I owed him everything.

  “Here, let me clean you up.” He grabbed a towel and ran it down my chest. “Oh my, what big abs you have.”

  I laughed.

  “I’ll fix your heart and you can show me how to get abs of steel. I can cut my beard if I have muscles like those to show off.” He patted his beer belly.

  “Deal, Dr. Young.”

  He grinned. “Call me Gooch. All my friends do.”

  “Gooch?”

  “Yup. Like Gucci but oh so much less extra.” He patted my cheek. “And I have no idea why. My first name is Simon. I’ll see you tomorrow.” He winked at me and left me alone in the exam room.

  I slid off the table, wondering if all of that had been a strange dream. I grabbed my shirt off the floor and pulled it over my head. Breathe in. Breathe out. I needed two days to make sure my heart was healed up. Two days of no stress. I walked out of the room and wandered toward the NICU.

  I wasn’t sure how I was going to handle our meeting with Dr. Hughes. And I needed to talk to Penny about her surgery. I needed her to know that I was fine with the size of our family. But if she wanted it to grow, that there were other options besides having biological kids of our own. We’d figure something out together.

  And as soon as I got the all clear from Dr. Young, I’d propose again. Until then, I couldn’t think about it. I just needed to focus on breathing. I opened up the door of the NICU and stopped by my son. I got down close to the glass. “Hey, little dude. How are you feeling today?” He was sleeping peacefully.

  “Did you want to hold him?”

  I shook my head. “I don’t want to disturb him while he’s sleeping. Have you seen my wife?”

  “Yes. She said she had to step out for a few minutes. But that you could text her if you needed anything. I did just hear from Dr. Hughes too. He’s scrubbing off from a delivery. He should be coming up to meet you in about ten minutes. You can feel free to wait in his office.”

  “Great. Did Penny mention where she was going?”

  She shook her head. “No. I’m sorry, she didn’t say.” She looked back down at her clipboard. “If you’ll excuse me.” She went over to one of the other babies and started to check his vitals.

  “It’s going to be good news, Liam,” I said down to him sleeping. “I know it will be.” I went back out into the hall and sent Penny a text letting her know Dr. Hughes would be ready in ten minutes. There was a very real part of me that wanted to freak out. To demand to know where she was so I could come get her. To ask her if she at least took Ian with her.

  But I couldn’t afford to do that. Not for at least two days. And if I was being honest with myself, I could never do it again. I was going to be here for my family. Always. I let myself back into Dr. Hughes’ office and sat down where I had earlier this morning.

  Instead of getting anxious waiting to hear back from Penny, or waiting for the news of Liam, I closed my eyes and pictured the beach. That perfect scene that Penny had painted for me earlier. Breathe in. Breathe out. I could picture it so clearly.

  ***

  “Did waiting for me put you to sleep?”

  I opened my eyes with a start. Dr. Hughes was standing by his desk. I shook my head trying to rid myself of my dreams, even though they had been perfect. It was the first time I’d really been able to picture my life outside the city. It felt right. Away from the people and chaos and stress. I shook my head again, having a hard time coming back to reality and the problems that still loomed before me. “I’m sorry. Yes, I must have fallen asleep.”

  “Nonsense, I’m the one that’s sorry to have kept you waiting, Mr. Hunter. But I’m glad to see that you’ve found time to get rested up after your flight.”

  “It was a short flight,” I said. “It’s just been a long morning.”

  He nodded. “Will your wife be joining us?”

  “Yeah, she should be here. One second.” I glanced down at my phone. There was a text from her saying she’d be back soon. But that was from half an hour ago. I had taken quite a nap. And I honestly couldn’t remember the last time I had napped. Dr. Young had somehow taken away all my stress. I yawned. “She’ll be here shortly.”

  “Great. Should we wait for her or…”

  “How were the test results?” I said at the exact same time.

  He chuckled.

  “Is Liam going to be okay?” I knew I should wait for Penny, but I had been waiting weeks for good news when it came to my son. I wasn’t sure I could wait any longer.

  Dr. Hughes smiled as he sat down behind his desk. “Cutting right to the chase. I like the way you think, Mr. Hunter.” He lifted up a folder and placed it on top of this desk. “The results were good. Very good actually.” He didn’t open up the folder. Like he knew the information forward and backward. Like he had actually taken the time to assess my son’s health.

  I had never felt that way in New York. Three doctors had been assigned to Liam in the city. And sometimes their opinions didn’t even align on what steps to take next. It was almost like they had looked to me for the answers. I didn’t have them. How could I possibly have them? I was barely staying afloat. My whole family had been falling apart and I hadn't had my wife by my side.

  “What does very good mean, exactly?” I asked. “Do you have a pen and paper so I can write some things down? Penny usually carries those with her.” I patted my pockets like the items I needed would just appear like they had for Dr. Young.

  “I don’t think there's anything to write down. I’ve run every test I could possibly think of,” the doctor said. “I haven’t been monitoring him since his birth, but from what I can tell from the documents sent over, he’s making an impressive recovery. And I saw that your wife’s records were sent over this morning. I glanced at them and I believe that she must have suffered most of the consequences from the poison. I don’t see any traces of it in Liam. And it doesn't appear to be affecting his vitals or organs in any way. Yes, he was born early, but many babies are. He only has symptoms related to being born early, not from anything else. He’s going to be alright.”

  It sounded too good to be true. How? After everything...how? I shook my head. “But the doctors in New York talked about possible disabilities down the road. That his mental development may be affected. That my son would never have a normal life.”

  “I have no reason to see why that would happen. There are zero signs that he’s not developing properly. His lungs are the only issue that I can see, and as I said, that’s only a symptom from his early birth. I’m actually going to advise that we take him off his CPAP machine at the end of the week if he keeps progressing this well.”

  “What does that mean?” Penny asked from behind us. “He’s able to breathe on his own now? Without any machines?” She rushed into the room. “I’m sorry I’m late,” she squeezed my shoulder.

  “It means you’ll be able to take him home. You’ll be able to take your perfectly healthy baby boy home this weekend.”

  A sob escaped from Penny. “There’s nothing wrong with him?”

  “I don’t believe there is. As I was telling your husband earlier, we’ve run every test we could think of. I think he’s going to be just fine.”

  “Should you check your notes?” She gestured to his unopened notebook. “I don’t…we were told he couldn’t leave the hospital for another month.”

  “Besides for those deliveries this morning I’ve been absorbed in thi
s case and only this case since I got your call. Liam has had my full attention. The university appreciates your donations.”

  I shook my head. “How could the other doctors have been so wrong? I thought he was going to die. They made me believe he was going to die. I thought we were going to have to say goodbye to him before my wife even came out of her coma.” I felt a tear run down my cheek and quickly brushed it away. “What changed?”

  “They were too close to the problem. They were putting all their time and energy into the possibility of him being poisoned without really taking the time to study him. Also, Mrs. Hunter’s gynecologist was associated with that hospital. They were probably concerned about covering themselves in case of a lawsuit. Saying the worst is yet to come all along protected them from a worst case scenario.

  “And despite everything he’s been through…I believe your son’s a fighter. He’s meant to be here. He truly has made a miraculous recovery. I’d let you take him home today, but I always like to be cautious. But Liam’s going to be okay.”

  Liam’s going to be okay. It felt like I could breathe again. This time without concentrating so hard on it. “Thank you.” I stood up and outstretched my hand.

  But before Dr. Hughes shook it, Penny practically tackled me in a hug.

  “We’re going to get to bring him home.” I could barely understand her through her sobs. “He’s going to make a full recovery.” She pulled away from me. “A full recovery, right? That’s what all that means?”

  Dr. Hughes smiled. “I believe so.”

  “And he’s the best in his field, James. The best. If he thinks Liam is fine, then Liam is fine.” She let go of me and ran around the desk to hug Dr. Hughes. “Thank you. Thank you so much.”

  He laughed. “You’re welcome.”

  I reached my hand out and this time he grasped it. “I don’t know how we can ever thank you enough.”

  “It’s my job. The days I get to deliver good news are the ones I live for. I’ll give you two a minute.” He left us alone in his office.

  I turned to Penny. “I don’t know if I should be jealous right now…you just said Dr. Hughes was the best and basically threw yourself into his arms. But I can’t stop smiling.”