Shatter

  School had seemed to drag on longer than usual, my mind fading in and out between events and what had taken place less than two weeks ago. Had it really been that long since I had been home? More to the point, why had my mother refused to speak to me? Why had she declined to answer any of my calls or texts? Common sense told me Craig was the issue and that he was somehow forbidding my mother to speak to such a problematic daughter. Yet, the other half of me had begun to believe that the bond between my mother and I was slowly, but surely, fading away to nothing. When Alana and I had gotten back to her home, all reasoning behind my mother’s lack of response towards an attempt to contact her suddenly became nonexistent.

  Right in the middle of Alana’s living room, stood my mother. She looked like hell, bags had formed beneath her eyes and what I could have sworn to be, a faded bruise below her left eye.

  “Mom? Why are you here?”

  Dropping my bag to the ground, I had slowly strode over to her, Al right by my side as Evelyn had come in, offering a sympathetic expression as if apologizing for my mother’s sudden appearance.

  “Vega, I miss you, we both do, and we would like for you to come home.”

  “Really? Because the last time I checked, Craig didn’t want me living there anymore or have you forgotten that?”

  It’s not like I was intentionally trying to hurt my mother or to make her out to be my enemy in front of people she barely even knew, but could you really blame me? Evelyn had motioned for Alana to follow her out of the living room, so my mother and I could have some privacy, but knowing Al, she would be listening in.

  “Vega, I didn’t come here to argue with you. I would just like for you to come home.”

  “What happened to your eye?”

  I completely disregarded her words, wanting to know exactly what had taken place in my absence, but I was far from stupid, I could tell that Craig had hit her. My evidence? He had done it once before, thinking nobody had seen him, but failed to notice that on that night, I was standing in the stairwell.

  “I was moving some boxes around in the garage, one of them fell and hit me.”

  “You know, this right here, is the reason why I’m not going to come home.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “Mom, I’m not stupid. First, I know Craig hit you, he’s done it before, because I saw him do it. Secondly, you took his side when I had told you I was dating Alana.”

  “Vega, it’s not that I took his side; it’s because I agree with him, it’s not right.”

  “What about what’s right for me? Do you even realize how much you hurt me? How much his words hurt both me and Alana? Yet you just stood there and let him talk to me like I was nothing. Like my happiness meant nothing.”

  Taking a step forward my mother pulled me into a hug, I wanted to pull away yet, I couldn’t. I really had missed her, despite the fact the gap between us was growing, so why wasn’t I resisting?

  “Sweetie, I love you, no matter what you decide to do with your life, just come back home with me. We can work this out.”

  I needed to put my foot down once and for all, give my mother an ultimatum, it was either to accept the fact I loved Alana, to accept the fact I was gay or to let me go. Stepping away from my mother, I had inhaled slowly before crossing my arms.

  “I want to hear you say it.”

  “Say what?”

  “That you’re sorry. Sorry for saying what I’m going through is a phase. I want you to accept the fact that I am in love with Alana. If you can’t accept me as I am, then you can walk out that door without me.”

  “Vega, that’s not fair. You know how I feel.”

  My arms had fallen to my sides before I raised my right hand holding it up, a notion for her to stop speaking right then and there before she would say something she would regret.

  “No, you do not feel that way. Craig does. You’re afraid to go against him. You and I used to be so close before Dad died, before you married Craig. There was a time where you and I could talk about anything, hell there was a time where we would just hang out together. Tell me, Mom, when was the last time we did that?”

  She was silent, her eyes had started to fill with tears. There was guilt hidden in her eyes, anyone would be able to see it, but would she be able to, “For once, admit I was right?”

  “Why! Why are you making this so hard?”

  “Why are you! Why can’t you just admit that all he does is control your life? Control mine!”

  A loud smack was heard as my head turned to the side, and I fell silent. Not once had my mother ever hit me, not even as a child and that? That was something I would never have expected. There was just no point in trying to talk some sense into her, no point in trying to let her see my happiness was important. Not a word was spoken as I had moved to grab my bag, and went into the kitchen looking at Alana, whom I kissed softly. Turning towards Evelyn, I offered a somewhat broken smile.

  “Thank you for allowing me to stay in your home.”

  “Vega…are you okay?”

  How could I answer Al right now? Was I okay? No. Far from it. But for now, all I wanted to do was go home, and just shut off my emotions, to shut off what I really felt. Betrayal.

  “See you tomorrow Al, I love you.”

  With that, I had accompanied my mother out of Alana’s home and made my way into the car. The drive was short, which I was thankful for, because the minute the car stopped, I got out and headed inside. I could hear my mother’s voice trailing behind me as she came in through the front door.

  “Vega, wait! I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hit you.”

  My footsteps stopped at the top of the stair case before I turned around to look down at her; she could see the hurt in my eyes, the disbelief in them. I could see that she was sorry, see that she too was hurting for her own reaction, but I didn’t care.

  “For what? You did nothing wrong remember? But just so you know, I’m not going to stop dating Alana. I might have to live here, but neither you, nor that fucking prick, will take what little happiness I have away.”

  “Vega, just come down here and talk to me. I really didn’t mean it.”

  “Until you can see how controlling he really is, how cruel he is, you and I are done!”

  With that, I made my way down the hall into my room, slamming the bedroom door shut with a resounding echo, to let her know just how much anger I felt, and probably would feel for quite some time. Reaching down to pull out my black journal, I opened it up with hesitation, unsure if writing down my feelings, my anger, would even make the pain subside, but I had to try.

  ’I lay here broken, heart twisted with pain

  Mistreated with words, you think I’m insane.

  How can you speak, with nothing but hate?

  When two hearts became one, a hand dealt by fate,

  You wretch and recoil with disgust in your eyes.

  Now the reflection I see, brings nothing but despise.

  Forgive and let live, at least that’s what they say;

  Those words mean nothing, when you push me away.

  Forget all that I know, all that you see,

  The girl who once smiled, will now never be free.

  Closing my journal, I had tucked it back beneath my mattress and rolled to my back, staring up at the ceiling with nothing but silence, and the remaining question ‘Why?’ Why was it so wrong for me to be in love with another woman? Did the relationship Alana and I have somehow affect how others lived? No, it didn’t. How we chose to live our lives with one another was nobody else’s concern or business. Yet, people had an opinion about it, and unfortunately, one of those people was my mother. To have your mother disappointed in you, to be upset and angry? That hurt, and cut worse than any blade ever could. Mainly because I knew, it really didn’t bother her. I think she wants to be happy for me, to tell me it’s okay, to smile, but like me, her happiness is locked away.

  Don’t get me wrong, a lot of the happiness others see is just a false smile, a
camouflage. That makes it easier for everyone to leave me alone, so they don’t always ask ‘Are you okay?’

  A question I had grown quite tired of hearing of answering. But Alana? She makes me happy, truly happy. With her, I don’t have to hide behind a false smile or laughter. When I’m with Al, I feel as if time itself just stops, as if nothing in the world can touch us, bring us down, or hold us back. That right there? That is why I won’t stop fighting to make my mother see, to make everyone see, just how us being together is anything but bad. Sleep didn’t come easy, then again, it was the first night I had really spent apart from Al since I had regrettably decided to go back home. Right now, being in class may as well have been like being in a coffin. Everything around me was just closing in, becoming too much to handle. As the bell rang, I had glanced down to see my test paper had only been half answered, thankfully, I was able to correct the situation before turning it in to Mrs. Bright.

  Funny, with a last name like Bright you would think the person would be happy, although she was the complete opposite and to be honest, scared the shit out of everyone. If sinister could take a form, I’m almost certain it would be Mrs. Bright. There was talk amongst the students of how her marriage was failing. How she and her husband drifted apart after their son went off to serve his country but had yet to return, and with little answers on their son’s whereabouts? Well, can you blame her? Let’s be frank for a moment. Mrs. Bright and I understood one another, because like her, I lost someone I loved too. Depression. It was one of those things only someone else who shared the same pain would understand. As I turned in my exam I looked to her, eyes hidden with my own pain, though I spoke in truth.

  “Tomorrow is another day, right? Just have faith, never give up.”

  Those dull brown hues of hers met my gaze, damn, could have sworn right then and there, the room had gotten just a little bit colder.

  “And may I ask, just what it is, you are talking about?”

  “Your son. To lose someone important, I know that feeling. But. You are here, you’re here every day.”

  “Miss Farrow, I don’t see how my personal life is of your concern.”

  “Look, I’m just saying. I don’t think he’s gone forever. And I don’t think you do either. My point is, you know he is alive, and though I’ve never met him, I’m sure he is too. If he was dead, you would know. That pain? The knowing? It doesn’t go away. Trust me.”

  The way her eyes threatened to brim with tears almost made me want to cry, but I didn’t. You could see a bit of color return a bit of life to those eyes of hers. Reaching over, she placed her hand onto mine for a short moment, a silent thank you. With a nod, I had walked out of the class room and into the hall. You see, the thing is, she really wasn’t mean or sinister. Yes I know! I called her that, everyone called her things, but people don’t want to know the truth about those who are hurting; they just see the surface. That’s why Mrs. Bright and I shared a bit of a connection, because unlike others, I understood her: I saw the hurt.

  Though it’s hard to see the good in things from my current situation, yet I tried my best to just be happy. Right now, the only thing I needed was Al, which was why I was thankful lunch came around. She and I just sat there, and aside from all the background noise, there was just silence between us. Tyler glanced back and forth between Alana and I, trying to figure out exactly why it was the two of us weren’t exactly speaking to one another.

  “Did you guys break up or something?”

  Tyler broke the silence, and we both just looked to him as if he woke up with even less brain cells than he usually does, which was harsh but true.

  “No, Vega is just not feeling well.”

  “I feel fine. I’m just…adjusting. First night alone, you know?”

  Raising a brow, Tyler had leaned back in the chair, his fingers drumming along the table before it had finally dawned on him on what it was that I was talking about.

  “You’re back home now? Oh shit! Is it that bad?”

  “Not really. It’s just quiet. Not exactly in a mood to talk to my mother after she forced me to come home.”

  “Dude, that fucking blows.”

  “Sensitive much?”

  Al had said, her tone far from sarcastic, with what some would consider Tyler’s lack of feelings. Thing was, he was a damn decent guy, he just acted like a dick for fun. Placing my hand onto Al’s, I gave a faint smile before shaking my head and inhaling before looking to them both.

  “He’s right. It does blow. But, what other choice do I have? Not like I could just leave.”

  “Vega, you know you could always come back to my house.”

  “Yeah or crash in my pool house.”

  Tyler’s pool house? I shuddered at the thought. Aside from the fact it smelt of stale beer and sweat? God only knows who or how many women had been in there.

  “Tyler, no offense, but your pool house is like a brothel.”

  Al started bursting out in a fit of laughter, which was contagious, because next thing I know, the three of us were laughing so hard that others started to look our way. Letting out a deep breath Tyler gave that grin of his before leaning forward to give me a fist bump, which I returned with a chuckle.

  “Glad you came here, Vega.”

  “Oh? Why’s that Tyler? Having a threesome fantasy?”

  “God, ew! No, Vega, he’s like, my brother!”

  “No, I’m serious. I know I can be an ass, but I mean it. Glad you’re here. I mean, someone’s got to take care of my girl here.”

  His head motioned towards Al as he stated that fact, and I leaned into her shoulder with a smile, my arm finding its way around her waistline as I spoke.

  “You know what, Tyler? I’m glad I came here too. You’re pretty damn decent. And as for Alana? Don’t worry. I’ll love her with all I’ve got.”

  Alana’s face went to a dark shade of red before she smiled and looked back and forth between the two of us, before giving a roll of her eyes and sighing.

  “Okay, stop being weird guys. Too much love, too much mush. Let’s get real and talk party. What’s going down this weekend, Tyler?”

  Shaking my head, I pulled my arm from her as we all stood in unison to the sound of the bell. Grabbing our books, we headed down the halls together and towards the lockers.

  “Kyle is going to let me know by the end of the day. But this one is going to be huge. Midterms are already coming up so we need to pregame.”

  “Sounds like a plan to me. You in, Vega?”

  Was I in? Hell, right now I wasn’t even allowed to leave the house, except for school or at least that’s how it seemed to be as of late, which didn’t surprise me.

  “I don’t know. I’m kind of on lockdown. I can try, no promises though.”

  “Don’t worry, I’ll keep Al’s company.”

  “Pretty sure she can handle herself.”

  “You guys do know I’m standing right here.”

  The both of us laughed, before I gave Al’s hand a light squeeze, though I couldn’t help but offer a sympathetic smile.

  “I’m sorry, I know I don’t see you much, and I can try to make the party.”

  “Hey, don’t worry. We can always hang out at school.”

  Giving her a quick kiss to the lips, I smiled, before heading off to my next class. As the three of us parted ways, I couldn’t help but wonder, would anything happen between Tyler and Alana if I didn’t show at the party? Then again, I held so much faith in our relationship, so much trust, there was little room for doubt. So why was there this nagging feeling in the back of my mind? Either way, I knew I had to at least try and make the party, hell, even I needed a drink. To be honest, I was never much of the party type, but I’ve already told you that, so tell me this. Why did part of me want to really go? Was it the fact that my friends would all be there? The fact that the woman I loved would be by my side? Or, was it because, even if it was only for one night, I would feel numb. Alcohol was funny like that, it made you forget whatever it w
as that had been bothering you, even though, the problem would still be there the next day. Even so, there was no way I had intended to miss the party; I just needed to figure out how I was going to go.

  Dinner had been a little later than usual; we had to wait for Craig to get home from the site before we could even start eating, which didn’t really matter because I wasn’t all that hungry. Though both my mother and Craig didn’t seem to notice my lack of appetite, not that it bothered me in any way.

  “So, did you get the new contract yet?”

  “No. Hillard says we need to wait for the okay before we can start tearing down the old developments on the flats.”

  “Don’t people still live in that area?”

  “Yes. That’s the problem. The tenants refuse to move. The company I work for is even willing to pay them to move to new housing but they refuse.”

  “Can you blame them?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Honey, think about it. Most of those people probably grew up there. You’re asking them to leave it all behind so it can all be torn down.”

  “Who cares if they grew up there! Those housing developments are an eyesore, and those people are preventing progress from being made.”

  “I just don’t understand what the problem is. Why not tell your company to find somewhere else to build?”

  “The property we want to build on has a bigger revenue success than anywhere else on the flats. So, as soon as we get the paperwork signed, those people won’t have a choice.”

  “That seems unfair. What if they refuse to leave? What if they don’t want to take the money and move out?”

  “Trust me, Rachel, most of them will. The money they are being offered is twice as much of what they paid to live there. And for those that don’t leave? They will be given a week. If they remain, they will be removed by the authorities by force.”

  “How is that legal? If they live there how can they be removed by force? Can’t they fight it with a lawsuit?”

  “They could try. They would lose. Once that property is signed over to our company, they will be considered trespassing, that’s all there is to it.”