Shatter

by Lynsey Rae Uttley

  Eating what I could, I set down my silverware and just listened to the exchange of words between the two. Part of me wanted to tell Craig how much of an ass he and his company was for trying to evict those people. Part of me wanted to tell my mother that I agreed with her on how wrong it was, but I was mad at them both, so I said nothing. Taking a few sips of my water, I placed the glass back down and stood up, before excusing myself from the table, and clearing my dishes. As I made my way out of the kitchen and towards the stairs, I could hear my mother call from behind me,

  “Goodnight, Vega. I love you.”

  My grip tightened on the banister of the stairs lightly, though I said nothing as I just continued to walk up the stairs and down the hall to my room. The fact I had said nothing back would only prove further, just how upset I was with her, and she needed to grasp that concept. The sooner she did, the sooner we would talk again. Taking out my cellphone, I laid down onto my bed and had scrolled through my contacts until I found Al’s name. There was this feeling tugging at my chest, and I already knew that it was me missing her. Some would suggest I was a clingy girlfriend, but in truth, I was far from it. If anything, Al and I spoke to one another when we wanted to. Yes, we saw one another in school, and yes, I had spent a few weeks with her, but still, I missed her. Taking in a deep breath, I sent her a text and waited patiently for her to reply.

  ‘You awake?’

  ‘Of course, you okay?’

  ‘Yes. But, I miss you.’

  ‘Still giving your mom the cold shoulder?’

  ‘Yes. I honestly don’t see us talking until she can apologize.’

  ‘You have to give it time. She will come around.’

  ‘I doubt that. She’s siding with Craig on everything.’

  ‘I hate how he treats you, both of you.’

  ‘Trust me, so do I.’

  ‘Are they asleep?’

  ‘Yes, why?’

  ‘Al? Did you fall asleep?’

  I had gotten a bit upset when Al didn’t respond to my message, which led me to believe she had indeed fallen asleep on me. However, when I heard a faint tap on my window, that fear was erased. Getting up from my bed, I moved over to my window. Unlatching the top, I slid it open and shook my head.

  “Al, are you crazy?”

  My voice was barely above a whisper, not that I cared if my mom knew she was here, but at the same time, I didn’t want any drama, and I certainly didn’t want Al caught in the crossfire. As she climbed in, she gave a sly grin and placed a finger against my lips, before leaning in to whisper against my ear.

  “You said you missed me, right?”

  Her lips trailed from my ear and down along my neck, causing me to inhale sharply, a pleasant shiver running down my spine as I leaned into her touch, yearning for it.

  “Yes.”

  Her teeth grazed along my pulse line as she began to suck onto it lightly, causing me to bite my lower lip as I held onto her arms a bit tighter before leaning back.

  “Al, we can’t do this right now. What If Craig hears us?”

  “Then I guess you better not scream too loud.”

  The way she had spoken sent a flush to my cheeks, my body already crawling with anticipation; I wanted her in every way possible, and I could tell, she wanted me just as bad. I led her to my bed and had pulled her down onto my lap, my arms wrapping around her as our lips melted together with passion. It was late, the risk was high, but neither of us cared, we needed one another, and nothing would tear us apart.

  Chapter 10

  The Price of Love

  Sex in the shower? Probably one of the greatest things about having a partner, there was just something about it that made you feel so alive, untouchable. It certainly had both Al and I smiling the entire morning at school, everyone exchanging glances as we moved through the halls hands tangled together. We honestly just got tired of trying to keep our relationship low key, especially at school and to be honest? Why would we care? People would talk about you no matter what you did, or who you were, it was High School, drama was to be expected, and rumors were inevitable. As I sat in history class listening to Mr. Ryker’s lecture, I couldn’t help but feel excited for the up and coming party, maybe that’s because for once, I would be having fun. My thoughts were disrupted when I heard my name over the room’s intercom speaker. Now just why in the hell did the principal want to see me?

  Picking up my bag, I left the class room and headed down the hall towards the principal’s office, curious as to why he would even want to see me, and why in the middle of my class? Knocking on the door, I waited for a response before sticking my head in the door looking towards Mr. Shuler.

  “You needed to see me?”

  “Ah yes, Ms. Farrow. Please, have a seat.”

  Closing the door behind me, I took a seat across from him, placing my bag between my feet, my fingers drumming along the side of the chair as I glanced over his desk. Everything had its proper place, not a bit of dust in sight, every picture frame aligned perfectly. And I thought I had OCD! As he read over some papers I raised a brow before I sighed.

  “So, what’s this about? Did I do something wrong?”

  “Hm? Oh no. Your grades are superb, your attendance is good. Haven’t missed a day yet. It didn’t occur to me until now, that I had never met you. You transferred from Montana, right? Top of your class from what I see. I see you led your volleyball team to districts, and won?”

  “Yes, our team was very good. I was happy that we won. Never had a problem with my grades, and I don’t intend to, but I am curious as to why you’re wanting to meet me now? I mean, it is almost middle of the year.”

  “Right. I’ve received a few complaints, and concerns about you and Ms. Shawl.”

  “Excuse me? Alana and I haven’t done anything wrong.”

  He held his hand up with a low sigh, before placing a few papers to the side and looking to me with anything but understanding. Since when did Al and I cause problems?

  “Ms. Farrow, as principal, it is my job to make sure all the students here feel comfortable. To make sure they know they have the right to express any issues or concerns without judgment.”

  “I’m sorry, are you saying students here are complaining about the fact I’m gay?”

  “No, that would be wrong. Look, it would just be in your best interest to refrain from being so open with your relationship.”

  “I don’t see you speaking your concerns to half the football team while they grope their girlfriends in the hallway.”

  “Ms. Farrow, that’s not…”

  “No, I’m not going to sit here and listen to this. I’m not going to hide who I am just because students are uncomfortable, and neither should Alana.”

  The fact I had cut him off seemed to surprise him, and yet, I didn’t care. The fact he even had the nerve to suggest that Al and I stop being close at school pissed me off. The anger I had been keeping shoved so far down was slowly starting to rise and that was not a good thing, not for anyone.

  “I’m not trying to make you feel uncomfortable, but the way you and Al express your feelings is inappropriate and against school policy.”

  Standing up from my seat I shot him a defiant glare, suddenly not caring if the statement I was about to make would land me in detention or out of school.

  “Then I guess you better correct the other students in the school who practically grope one another in the hall. I’m not going to tolerate being targeted because I’m gay. If need be, I will go to the school board and tell them how the principal is allowing students who are gay, to be bullied around and singled out.”

  “I suggest you watch yourself Ms. Farrow. I don’t take kindly to threats.”

  “Threat? No, that is a promise. Al and I are doing nothing wrong. If it’s a crime to hold hands in public, or share a kiss or two, then like I said before, half the students are guilty. I don’t want to make a big deal of this either, but I’m also not going to be singled out. Now, can I go back to class, or
do you wish to discuss this further?”

  Taking out a hall pass he scribbled his name across the bottom before handing it to me, his eyes in a slight narrow; he most likely expected me to roll over, boy, was he wrong. Taking the paper from his hand, I grabbed my bag and left the office and went to my next class, though I was just half tempted to leave the school; I was so pissed. As if having my mother side with Craig against me being gay wasn’t enough, now I had to have people against it at school? To be honest, I think people were just jealous, we were happy and they weren’t. Still, why try to bring us down?

  During gym class, the intensity from my serves could be felt by half my class; the way they looked towards me just made my blood boil even more. Jumping up, my left hand came down on the ball as it smacked the ground with an echo, landing firmly I turned and headed back to the startup line. Al had run across the court and looked to me as she took in a few slow breaths.

  “You’re pretty intense today. What’s going on?”

  “Principal called me into the office. Said students were uncomfortable and complaining about you and I being together.”

  I exhaled a deep breath as I spiked another ball over the next, before moving back to center square and serving the ball up and over to the next person. Al stood there and looked to me before letting out a light chuckle.

  “Yeah, he talked to me today too. Just let it go. Who cares what people think?”

  “What people think isn’t the problem, Al! It’s the fact I deal with this shit at home. But here! Why do people feel so fucking threatened by us?”

  Everyone was staring. Al gave a nervous chuckle and placed her hands onto my shoulders,

  “Serah, breathe. Calm down. The others are staring.”

  Shoving her hands off me lightly, I shook my head before smacking the ball to the ground yet again before my hair whipped around as I turned to her once more.

  “Let them fucking stare. I don’t care! Being gay isn’t a disease, it’s not fucking contagious! Why is it such a big deal?”

  The bell had rung as the other girls began to file in and walk past the two of us whispering amongst one another which I really tried to pay no mind to. As the gym became empty, Al grabbed hold of my wrist and pulled me into a deep kiss, my anger slowly starting to recede, only for me to place my hands over her cheeks. Pulling away slowly, I exhaled a breath I had been holding in for a few moments before I spoke in a whisper against her lips,

  “It just hurts, Alana. Why do people hate us? Why does my mother hate me?”

  Pulling me into her arms she ran her hand over my back in a soothing manner, attempting to at least calm me down.

  “They don’t hate us, and your mom does not hate you. They just don’t understand.”

  Shaking my head, I shrugged away from Al and grabbed my gym bag from the floor and looked to her as I cleared my throat.

  “That’s not a good enough reason. Don’t worry, just ignore it right?”

  Before she could say anything else, I headed into the locker room. I wasn’t mad at Alana; I was mad at the fact she was okay with how people treated us, how my mother and Craig treated us. Even though I could no longer see Al behind me, I could picture the hurt look on her face from my snapping at her. Sometimes in life, it’s just easier to lash out at the ones you love most, rather than others you consider friends. Why you ask? The ones you love will at some point, forgive you. Friends? They tend to just drift away or really weren’t your friends to begin with, and that was another reason why I was so angry. I had recently reached out to Marissa and Jaynae, wanting to tell them all about how I had missed them, how things weren’t all that glamorous in California. About how I had finally fallen in love yet I heard nothing back from them, and that? That kind of hurt. But we had a falling out, and that? That was my fault. Once I was changed back into my regular clothes, I headed off to last period, wanting nothing more than for this day to be over and done with.

  Ever wish you could just, shut everything down? That even if, for one single moment, you could stop breathing, stop feeling anything at all? I do, all the time. Despite how happy I try to be or pretend to be, there’s this overwhelming darkness inside my soul, sleeping in the depths of my mind. No matter how much I try, I just can’t escape it. The feeling is just there, brooding over me like an ever-growing shadow, and every time I try and cry out for help, I speak nothing but silence. So why? Why bother trying to even be happy? To try and pretend that people aren’t disgusted by me? That I am not disgusted by myself? Truth be told: every time I see myself in the mirror, I just want to vomit. No person should ever feel that way, not if they love someone. But, it’s hard to love and accept yourself, to accept who you are, when those all around you condemn you.

  The thoughts running through my mind had come to silence as I walked through my front door, the last of the school day seeming to just blur by without my notice. My mother was sitting in the living room as Craig had come in, his eyes cast upon me, and in them, I could see nothing but disapproval and anger. His footsteps lightly echoed as he moved across the thick carpeting along the floor, swirling a glass in his right hand, I could smell the scotch. Watching him take a few sips, he placed the empty glass down onto the nearby coffee table before looking to me, in a way I’d never seen him do so before.

  “I thought I made myself perfectly clear, that you were to end this thing between you and that girl.”

  “Care to elaborate? I’m not sure what you mean?”

  “You know exactly what I mean. The school called me while I was at work today, you know that? Said, your behavior was making other students uncomfortable.”

  “I really don’t give a shit what the other students think. And I don’t care you were contacted by the school either.”

  My mother stood up and shook her head, her right hand resting onto Craig’s shoulder; he was tense, his looks could kill right now. In truth, I had never seen such a dark nature, and it worried me that he was so close to my mother.

  “Vega, sweetheart, why don’t you just stop seeing Al? Just make it easier on yourself, on us. If you’re doing this for attention, it’s just uncalled for.”

  “Are you fucking serious right now, Mom? Ending things with Al will not make it easier on me. This has nothing to do with you, or your piece of shit husband! Al is the only one keeping me happy right now. And to say I’m doing it for attention really hurts. I love her, in a way you couldn’t possibly understand.”

  My eyes were starting to water, emotions were threatening to surface and I had to push them back down, to tuck them away; I didn’t want to feel them or to show them. Craig took a step towards me, we stood toe to toe, his index finger shaking as it pointed right at my face,

  “I’m getting sick and tired of you disrespecting me in front of your mother. It’s time you learn your place. So, from now on, you will be taken to school by your mother and picked up by her right after school. You won’t go anywhere, you won’t do anything, and you certainly won’t be seeing Alana. This behavior will stop.”

  “I’d like to see you try and stop me from being with her. What are you going to do? Drag me out of school? Like it or not, I see her every day. As far as everything else goes, you don’t get a say. You’re not my father, and you’re sure as hell not going to keep me locked up in this house. Right Mom?”

  I stepped right around Craig, which I knew pissed him off royally. My eyes were pleading as I looked to my mother, wanting her to just say something, anything. I wanted her to be on my side, to understand just how much Al meant to me, how keeping me from her would only make things worse.

  “I’m sorry, Vega. I can’t. Craig is right. You will be taken to and from school by me until this thing ends between you and Al. Simple as that.”

  “Wow Mom. Just wow. You’re taking what little happiness I have away? Why? Because Craig says so? Since when does my being happy embarrass either of you so much?”

  “You need to go to your room right now while your mother and I discuss things.”


  “Fuck you, Craig. I don’t need to do anything, you can…”

  My words were silenced, a loud crack echoing as the back of his right hand collided with the left side of my face and it hurt like hell. It even managed to make me stumble a bit. My mother came right behind me as if to steady me.

  “Craig! Jesus Christ!”

  “She had it coming, Rachel, I’m sick of her mouth and, the way she talks to me. You may let it slide but I won’t. She’s a disrespectful little bitch.”

  I could feel my mother’s hands on my face, tilting my head to the side. Part of me was still trying to register the fact of what just happened, mainly because the vision of my left eye was starting to cloud. I honestly didn’t know why until I felt a warm trickle slide down the left side of my brow.

  “You didn’t need to hit her so damn hard. Vega, look at me. Are you alright?”

  Numb. That’s all I felt at this point, there was no energy left in me to fight. Not right now. Coming back to reality, I pulled away from my mother’s grasp and inhaled slowly as I spoke.

  “Oh, so. He must abuse me for you to start caring if I’m okay? You know what? I’m just peachy.”

  “Vega, don’t be like that. He didn’t mean to hit you.”

  “Pretty sure he meant it. Just like I meant how he can go fuck himself. See you in the morning, Rachel.”

  With that, I walked away. To be honest, that was the first time I had called my mother by her name, and the look on her face was enough to shatter any daughter’s heart. But, if my heart was already broken, then I didn’t have to worry. Right? So many thoughts swirled through my mind as I glanced into the mirror, dabbing a cold cloth over my left eyebrow. Bastard got me good, and my eye was already starting to slowly but surely, swell shut. Out of all the feelings, anger was the strongest emotion I felt in this current moment. Son of a bitch was lucky I didn’t try to strangle his ass. But, to be honest? I think all the fight in me just died out. Perhaps it was time for me to just, roll over like an obedient dog and, give in to the demands. Then again, I wasn’t a dog.