Shatter

  “Vega! You made bail! It’s about time!”

  “Nice to see you too, Tyler.”

  “Grab a beer from the cooler and shake it!”

  Rolling my eyes, I shrugged his frame off me and started to chuckle. A beer did sound pretty good, so I grabbed one from the bottom of the cooler and popped it open. Taking a few drinks, I made my way inside and had looked around before spotting Al by the stereo. Moving behind her, I snuck my arms around her waist.

  “Hey beautiful.”

  “Mhh, hey yourself. Glad Kyle could spring you free.”

  “You and me both. Do you have any idea how much I’ve missed you?”

  “I can probably guess. Now come on, we’re going to dance.”

  Without having a chance to save myself the embarrassment, Al pulled me into the middle of the floor as both of us began to dance to the beat, moving in sync with one another. We took turns getting drinks, beer after beer and shot after shot, neither of us planned on stopping anytime soon, the party had just gotten started. Al turned around, her back flush against my chest, her right hand gripped the neck of an open beer as she swayed back against me. My hips moved up against her own as I laughed, a bottle in my left hand while my right arm snaked around her lower waist to keep her in place. You could feel the atmosphere in the room, and it was far from dull, everyone was having a hell of a good time, leaving their problems and worries for another day. As one hour turned to three, I had consumed more pizza and beer than any normal teenager should, but it was only ten and everyone was still going strong.

  An empty beer bottle slipped from my fingers as Al pushed me up against a nearby wall, both of us laughing as we tried to make our way upstairs and down the hall. Our kisses were light, yet each one of them desperate, we needed one another in more ways than you could possibly imagine. But our intimate intentions were put to a halt when Tyler burst into the room, nearly giving both of us a freaking heart attack in the process.

  “Jesus fuck, Tyler! The hell?”

  “Oh, my bad Al. No need to freak.”

  “Kind of busy, Tyler! What do you want?”

  “Come on! Time for you two to play me and Kyle in beer pong!”

  Part of me wanted to just stay in the room with Al, so we could have our way with one another, but the other part wanted to keep the party going. Taking in a deep breath, I fixed my clothes and hair back into proper place before grabbing hold of Alana’s hand and giving a confident smirk,

  “Come on, Al. We have all night. Let’s go show these guy’s how it’s done!”

  “Damn babe, you’re a party animal tonight. I like it.”

  “And you thought I still had a shell. C’mon!”

  We bolted down the stairs behind Tyler before meeting up with him and Kyle outside, each cup was filled with a shot you had to take if you missed the cup, though what liquor was in it? I couldn’t say. The one thing most people forgot was how bad drinking messed up with your motor skills. We ended up winning the game, though a frown crossed my face, I was almost out of beer and my buzz was dying, or was I just that drunk? Alana had shaken her head before smiling,

  “I’ll get you another beer. Kyle, keep an eye on my girl.”

  Kyle moved through the others and made his way towards me, before leaning against the wall.

  “Good game. I’m glad to your having fun.”

  “Really? Thought I was a goody two shoes?”

  “Ouch. C’mon, Vega, you know I didn’t mean it.”

  “Yeah, yeah. Sure.”

  “I mean it. C’mon. Here I’ll prove it. Take this as a peace offering.”

  As Kyle pulled out a small bag from his pocket, I eyed the white pills inside it, knowing exactly where this was about to go, and exactly what I should say.

  “No way. I’m not touching those.”

  “Oh, c’mon, Vega. It’s not ecstasy. It’s just to keep the party going! I took one hours ago, and I’m fine.”

  Every part of my brain that held common sense was telling me to not take the pill and that it would end badly. But I was drunk as hell, and didn’t want to pass out, so what was the harm in taking an upper?

  “Fine. Just give it here before Alana comes back.”

  He placed the small white pill in the palm of my hand, I quickly popped it into my mouth and washed it down with my beer. What was the point of being at a party if you didn’t go all out, if you didn’t have fun? Alana had come out of the house handing me a cold beer, before placing a kiss to my lips. Next thing I knew, we were dancing again, though this time Tyler had joined in behind me, and Kyle behind Alana, but not in the way you’re thinking. Despite the fact we were all drunk, they were respectful and not once had tried to cop a feel on me or Al, which was awesome, plus we would have kicked their ass.

  “Hey. I’m going to use the bathroom. Be right back.”

  With that, I handed Al my beer and had moved inside and upstairs to find the bathroom unoccupied, which was a blessing in disguise because I really had to go. As I finished up and washed my hands, it was like the floor shifted below me and suddenly, I felt numb, something wasn’t right. I tried to focus on what was in front of me as my hands moved along the wall, but it was all fading in and out. Everything slowly began to turn a bright white before fading back to normal. Somehow, I ended up behind the pool house. How the hell did I get turned around, and why did I feel as if I couldn’t breathe?

  Next thing I knew, I began to vomit in a nearby bush: my heart was racing, before it started to slow down again, more than I would have liked it to. Wiping off my mouth, I had reached into my pocket for my cell phone as I went through the list of contacts, all the names starting to blur. The phone dropped from my hand as I began to hyperventilate, what once appeared to me as being outside, slowly began to change to being in a white hallway, nurses and doctors surrounding me. Was I fucking hallucinating?

  “Shit. Shit. Shit.”

  I kept cursing over and over trying to shake the feeling off, and as everything else came to normal, I had collapsed to the ground, the sky above me starting to spin.

  “Pretty sure I heard her cell ring somewhere near here.”

  “Are you sure, I don’t hear anything.”

  “Tyler, I’m telling you, she called me but didn’t say anything. She’s been gone for like half an hour. We checked the bathrooms upstairs, she has to be out here somewhere.”

  “She probably passed out.”

  “Right, that’s why we need to find her.”

  The muffled voices I heard were starting to become clear. It was Alana and Tyler. So, my call did go through, it’s too bad my mouth wouldn’t form a proper fucking sentence. As my cell began to ring again, everything started to fade to black as two figures came racing towards me, and I could feel my body being shaken.

  “Oh my god! Serah, Serah! Look at me!”

  “Fuck, what the hell is wrong with her!”

  “I don’t know, but she’s barely breathing! God, oh, god! Kyle! Go find Kyle now!”

  Faintly, I could hear his footsteps fade away as he ran off, Alana’s arms wrapped around my body as she cradled my head into her hands, was she crying? My face felt wet, my body cold, or was it warm? I couldn’t tell the difference. The gate to the back of the pool house opened, my vision blurring as I struggled to stay conscious, I was afraid to close my eyes. As my body was lifted into the back of Kyle’s truck, he began to curse out loud.

  “Fuck, man I’m so fucked!”

  “Kyle calm the hell down and just drive! What the hell even happened?”

  “It was just one pill, I didn’t know what the fuck would happen to her!”

  “Pill? What pill? Kyle, what the fuck did you give her?”

  “I didn’t give it to her, she wanted it!”

  “That’s not what I asked! What was it?”

  “Fucking GHB okay! Christ, I wouldn’t have offered it to her if I knew this was going to happen!”

  “Are you stupid! She could die! You can’t mix that shit with
alcohol!”

  “Just shut up! We’re almost to the hospital.”

  My hand gripped onto Al’s tight before I could feel my body start to convulse, it was the worst pain I had ever felt, at least for a long time, I didn’t know what would happen to me, but I was scared. The funny thing about regret? It’s usually too late to take back something you wish you didn’t do, and that was me right now. I really, really wish I had not taken the pill Kyle had offered to me, but I didn’t blame him, he didn’t force me to take it. That’s the thing about parties, you tend to make impulsive decisions, especially when you’ve had way too much to drink; too bad I didn’t use common sense. As my body stopped convulsing, I could feel the truck stop, and with it, everything around me as my body just went limp in Alana’s grasp. My eyes had rolled into the back of my head, her voice fading out and the last thing I could remember, was her calling out my name in a desperate tone.

  “Serah, stay with me, you hear me! Stay with me. Serah? Serah!”

  Chapter 12

  Rewind (Part Two)

  “Serah? It’s time for lunch. You need to get up.”

  Taking in a slow breath, I pulled the sorry excuse piece of cloth they called a blanket, back over my head. I didn’t want to get up or move for that matter.

  “No. I’m not eating, and I told you, it’s Vega. I’m not moving.”

  “Well, Vega, if you don’t get out of bed and eat something, then you won’t make any progress. Without progress you can’t leave.”

  “I’m tired and I just want to sleep.”

  “You can sleep later, now come on. Get up and join the others for lunch, please.”

  Knowing full well Clara wasn’t going to leave me alone, I threw the covers off me and had gotten out of bed, though as I walked by her, my eyes shot daggers. Nurse Clara stood about five-six and wore a pair of black rimmed glasses which only matched those icy-blue hues and black locks of hers. She was nice, and me? I was just being a bitch, though let me assure you I had every reason to act that way, because I was being held against my will. Making my way down the hall, I walked into the lounge room where everyone else had already gathered, each one looking at me.

  “Oh, oh! Vega, sit next to me! Over here!”

  God, Teri! She was the most annoying in our group, constantly smiling, laughing and above all else was without a doubt completely fucking insane, at least to me.

  “Not today, Teri. I’m tired.”

  “You’re always tired. All you do is sleep. That’s all you have done since you’ve gotten here.”

  “Well, Valery, at least I don’t throw up.”

  Valery, she was a bitch. I could guarantee she was ‘That Girl’ in whatever high school she went to. You know, one of those girls who thought they were just above everyone else. Popular, rich, they wouldn’t know a problem if it smacked them in their face.

  “Want to say that to my face, Vega?”

  “I would, but I don’t want to risk you puking on me.”

  “Ladies! Play nice.”

  Clara always had something to say, but that was part of her job, to make sure we didn’t get out of control or that we didn’t get into fights with one another. Taking my tray from the cart, I moved to an empty spot in the room, the last thing I wanted to do was talk to anyone, let alone eat with them. Once we had finished lunch, it was time for group, to which I was not all too thrilled about. I hated group: to me it was pointless, but to the doctor here, it was ‘Therapeutic’, whatever.

  “Glad to see that we have a full house. Everyone take a seat and we can get started.”

  Dr. Berlin. Well, I guess you could say he was more so a counselor. He was one of those therapists that liked to ask question, after question, even if you didn’t want to speak.

  “So! Valery. Why don’t we start with you? How have you been feeling since coming here?”

  “Annoyed. Even here I feel as if people judge me by my weight.”

  “Why do you think that is?”

  “I don’t know. Because they’re jealous of me?”

  There was a part of me that knew better than to laugh, but I did it anyway, but I tried to hide it with a fake clearing of the throat which didn’t seem to work.

  “The hell is so funny, Vega?”

  “You Valery. It’s called bulimia. Nobody here is jealous of you. It’s not our fault you’re insecure about yourself.”

  “And what makes you so god damned perfect?”

  “Okay. Okay. Ladies. Let’s remember the key rule here. While one is speaking, the others do not interrupt. Valery, please continue.”

  “Like I said, jealousy. I can’t help the fact I’m beautiful. That guys were always into me.”

  “Alright. So, when you’re throwing up, are you trying to get rid of your feelings. Or to lose weight?”

  “I don’t throw up! I just…I don’t want to be fat. I don’t want to feel fat. Is that so wrong?”

  “What’s wrong with putting on a little weight? We’ve talked about this before. You need to eat to stay healthy.”

  “You ever see fat girls being popular? Getting asked out on dates? No! Nobody notices the fat girls.”

  “That’s because people are judgmental.”

  “Shut up Teri! God, every time it’s my turn to speak, people interrupt! It’s bullshit.”

  “I…I wasn’t trying to. I’m just saying I know how it feels. To be the girl nobody notices, because when I ended up here, it was like everyone saw me. I had to nearly die to just be noticed. I get it, Valery, that’s all I’m saying.”

  “But you’re beautiful Teri, you’re not fat.”

  “Neither are you, Valery. If people can’t accept you for how you look, then they are not your friends.”

  “I think that’s a good point, Teri. Seems you two share the same feeling. Now, Teri, why don’t we talk about you? Why are you here?”

  I met Teri a week or so ago when I had first gotten here. She was the first one to even talk to me. Valery kept to herself, weird how there were only three of us here. Guess the number of crazy people seemed to die down or at least had yet to get here.

  “It’s like Valery said…to feel invisible… it sucks. The kids in my school, they walk right by me like I’m not even there. I’ve tried to make friends, but nothing ever comes of it. I’m not like everyone else. But just because I’m a little shy, maybe even a little too quiet, that doesn’t give people a right to treat me so cold.”

  “Is that why you cut your wrists? To feel something? Remember, there is no judgment here. But there are also no secrets. We all need to share why we are here, what’s hard for us to speak about.”

  “Yes. To feel. To feel something. It’s better than to feel nothing.”

  “I’m glad you could share that. You’re making progress. Now, Vega, you have been here for almost two weeks, you have yet to share anything. I would like to hear what’s on your mind, what are you feeling?”

  Really? That was his spin? He would like to hear how I was feeling; well, that could be arranged. To be honest I had about enough of this place to begin with. Leaning forward in my chair I looked right at him before I gave a faint chuckle.

  “How I’m feeling? For starters, I feel like a prisoner here.”

  “Why do you feel that way?”

  “I’m not making a statement of my feelings to be discussed in group. I’m telling you, I don’t want to be here. The fact I am still here is bullshit.”

  “You came here for a reason.”

  “The hell I did. My mother made me come here. She signed a bunch of useless papers describing how unstable I am. That I’ve fallen into some sort of depressive state. That I’m disconnected from everyone. I didn’t ask to be here. The fact you people are keeping me here against my will is wrong.”

  “You seem quite angry. Let’s talk about, why?”

  “No. Let’s not. Fuck this group session bullshit. I may be stuck here against my will. But I don’t have to participate.”

  “Vega, there’s no n
eed to…”

  I didn’t let him finish. I got up and walked out of the room without saying another word and had headed back to my room and took out a small journal. Was I angry? Yes. But why? I didn’t know. Was I angry at my mother for placing me in a nut house? Yes. Angry at my father for dying? Yes. Angry at myself? Yes. But could you really blame me? If you have never been admitted to a psych unit, then you really don’t know what goes on there. Let me explain!

  Once you’re admitted to the psych unit, you’re forced to attend group sessions. That’s where you sit down with a counselor and a bunch of random people you have never met or known, and talk about your feelings. Let’s not forget the invasion of your privacy. The nurses and staff there are constantly barging into your room all hours of the night. They shine a bright ass light in your eyes to make sure you are in your bed. You can’t shave unless you are given permission. You should eat three times a day or you’re marked as anorexic or some other type of bullshit.

  The staff and doctors act like they care about what you have to say, how you feel, but in truth? They really don’t. All they want to do is get you out of there, give you pills and send you back out into the world without a fucking care. Not everyone needs medication. Not everyone wants to be in the world. Some people just want to die, they want to fade away and feel nothing. What’s wrong with that? Let people be angry, let them be sad. Let me be those things, let me be free.

  It was silent as the three of us ate breakfast, then again most mornings usually were because nobody was really in the mood to talk, much less awake. Pushing my empty tray away, I took a few sips of my coffee and tilted my head towards the ceiling, the florescent lights were straining my eyes, but I didn’t look away.