The Fake Girlfriend Rules

by Penny Wylder

  “No, I didn't forget, I—”

  “What if things go bad, Doug? Did you ever think of that?”

  “Just think of how perfect it is, though. We could convince everyone so much easier. People would be happy.”

  “People? Who cares about people? What about us, Doug? I knew it, I knew we've gone too far with this. Listen to you! You want to get married just to look better for a job.”

  “No, not exactly. I mean, people love weddings. They love romance, they love all things sweet with a happy ending. Why not give them that?”

  “Because it's not about them! Have you lost your mind?” Lyllian gives me another hard shove, forcing me back. “You're really willing to risk our friendship to further your career?” Her lips fold down and her eyes narrow. “I can't even look at you right now, I have no words.”

  “Lyl, just hear me out.”

  She throws up her hand and turns her head. “I'm done listening, Doug. You've had some crazy ideas over the years, including our little fake relationship, but marriage? I don't even know what to say.”

  “It could work, Lyllian. If you just take a second and think about what it can do for us.” She pouts her lips angrily, and tries to storm past me, but I grab her by the shoulders, and force her to look at me. “You're misunderstanding me—”

  “I understand you just fine, Doug, and I can't believe what I'm hearing. Now, let me go.” Her eyes drop to my hands, then snap back up. I've never seen so much anger in her, not like this. Her eyes are full of sharp razors I can only imagine she wishes she could cut me with.

  She jerks her arms free, and shakes her head. “I thought I knew you, obviously I missed this person along the way. I don't know this guy, the guy who thinks he can just fake his way through life.”

  “That's not it at all, you're not listening to what I'm saying.”

  Lyllian growls through clenched teeth, nostrils flaring wide. “You're right, I'm done listening. I don't want to hear anymore that you have to say.”

  “Lyl—”

  “No, Doug. I'm leaving, get the hell out of my way.” She forces her way past, slamming her shoulder into mine as she storms off down the stairs.

  “Lyl,” I say, but I get no response back.

  Fuck. What did I just do?

  10

  Lyllian

  Where the hell am I going?

  I can't think straight. My mind is all over the place, jumping between thoughts and feelings, and trying to work through them. I want to rationalize the choices I've made. I want to think that I knew all the risks.

  But I don't think I truly understood what those risks were until right now. I might have just lost my best friend. I might have put a rift between us so great that there's no way to come back from it.

  A car comes zipping past me, making me stop short at the last second, right before I step off the curb into the road. My foot is dangling off the sidewalk, hovering in the air. The wind from the car blows over my body, snapping me out of my own hazy thoughts.

  I'm at a crossroads. I can go left and head home. I can go right and find myself on the highway, or I can keep going straight, and let my feet take me far, far away from here. I can't go back, that way leads to the studio, and if I know Doug, he's going to come looking for me.

  I look to the left, and stare toward home while I fight with myself over what I'm doing with my life. I've never felt this lost before.

  Have you ever thought you knew the path your life's going to take, and then it suddenly veers in the opposite direction? This whole thing is taking me for a loop.

  I've spent my life avoiding this exact scenario right here. I don't take these kinds of chances. I'd rather do what I deem to be safe. This was never safe. Not one part of this plan was ever safe.

  What was I thinking?

  The idea for us to act like a couple is the biggest mistake I've ever made. I shouldn't have said yes. I shouldn't have gone along with it in the first place. I should have known better, and that it wouldn't lead to anything good.

  Why the hell did I do this? Why did I let him convince me to do something so stupid?

  Was it stupid? I ask myself.

  I had a taste of what it feels like to be his. And it's hard to deny that I like it. I enjoy it. I like it way too much for me to ever go back. I was playing with the devil, and I just got burned.

  My eyes snap back, focusing on the other side of the road. Checking to make sure no cars are coming, I just start walking. I don't know where the hell I'm going and I really don't care. I just can't go back to the apartment. There's no way I'm ready to see him right now.

  My mind is a fucking mess. Emotions and thoughts are racing like rivers. I'm angry, sad, and hurt. If he thinks I'll marry him out of convenience, he's damn wrong. I love my new job, but I don't need it that bad. I won't just marry him to keep it.

  I thought he knew me through and through. I thought I knew him just as well. Obviously, I was wrong. I don't know him as well as I think I did. And that hurts. It hurts to think the one person I thought understood me, doesn't.

  Work is important, but it's not a priority when it comes to our friendship. I'd never ignore how special our friendship is and risk it all for my career. He's worth more than that to me.

  And I thought I was worth more than that to him.

  My heart stings as it comes apart in my chest like wet paper mâché. This is what I feared, of this feeling right here. I stop for a second and clutch my chest. This pain is more than I can bare.

  I take a deep breath, shaking my head to myself. This is stupid. I don't need him to be happy. I can be happy on my own.

  The sound of my heels echoing is making my head pound worse than it already was. Screw these heels, I think, ripping them off and walking barefoot down the sidewalk.

  I walk and I walk, not really going anywhere. As I round the corner, the lights of the amusement park draw me in like a moth to a flame. I slip my shoes back on, and pay for a ticket to go in.

  This place always made me feel better as a kid. I know there are lots of memories here with Doug, but I have lots of other memories here too. I can be happy without him. I just know I can.

  People are smiling and laughing as they walk past me. It's hard not to notice how much fun they're having together. I don't need Doug to have fun. I move deeper into the park, walking past a water fountain, and spot a couple sitting on the small wall, snuggling and kissing. They look like they're in love. And I hate them for it. My stomach tightens and twists with anger. I almost want to throw up.

  Why do they get to be happy and I'm miserable?

  Maybe it's because I've spent my life living behind a wall built out of fear. Fear of getting hurt. Fear of losing someone I love. Fear of being left behind. It's the worst fear to have. To feel like I might not be good enough, and then tossed away when things get too comfortable.

  It happens all the time. I watched it with my own two eyes, and saw the pain that it can cause. It's always been important for me to protect myself from it. I have to keep myself safe. I just have to.

  I make my way to the swan boats and sit on a bench overlooking the pond. I blankly stare at the few boats peddling around in the water. Tears bubble up over my eyes as the realization sets in that everything is so screwed up now. This destroyed my friendship with Doug. It'll never be the same again.

  How can it?

  We shared what we were never supposed to share. We broke the rules and destroyed what we had.

  I blink, letting the tears break free. They roll down my cheeks, dropping into my lap. And I let them. I don't wipe them away. I look down at my lap, watching the tears as they hit my legs and disappear into the fabric.

  One decision, one stupid fucking decision brought me here; saying yes caused all of this. What the fuck did I do? I lean over, pressing my fingers against my temples. I massage my head, trying to work out the crushing ache.

  “Hey,” the voice comes in from behind me.

  I look over my shoulder and
see Doug standing behind the bench. He's the last person I expect to see. But my body reacts anyway despite the pain I'm feeling. My heart skips in my chest and my muscles tingle.

  “What are you doing here?” I ask, ignoring my body. I don't want to feel this right now. I don't want to feel the same attraction I've always felt.

  There's no room for this lust anymore. We can't be together. The lines in the sand are drawn and they have been for years. What we did is like taking that beautiful sandcastle we built and stomping all over it.

  “Why do you think I'm here? I came looking for you. When I realized you didn't go home, I figured you might be here.” He stands quiet for second, then asks, “Can I sit?”

  “No. You can go back home. If I wanted to see you, I'd have gone there, and I didn’t.”

  “Lyl, come on. We've always been able to talk. Can I just sit, please?” he asks, his voice pleading to be heard. “I don't want to fight with you. Let's figure this out.”

  “Figure this out how? How will it ever be the same? We can't go back now. What's done is done.”

  “Please?” he asks.

  I sit quietly, then give in. “Fine, I'll let you sit, but I'm not promising this is going to fix anything,” I say, moving over. “How'd you know I'd be here anyway? Even I didn't know I'd end up here.”

  “Do you remember when we were kids and your father left? This is exactly where you came, this same spot. When your mother told you she was going to marry that other guy you hated, you came here then, too.” He looks off at the water as he says, “I guess I know you better than you know yourself.”

  “Maybe you just got lucky.”

  “Maybe. Either way, you're here.”

  “That doesn't mean you know me like you think you do. If you did, I don't think we'd be here at all. We wouldn't be in this position.”

  “What do you mean? What did I do wrong? I'm trying to understand.”

  “You thought you knew me, Doug, and I thought I knew you too. But I think we're not the same people anymore. We changed somewhere down the line.”

  “Lyllian, I do know you, and neither of us changed. I upset you, I can see that. I just don't know what I did wrong. I thought we were on the same the page?”

  “Obviously we're not.” I look up at the sky, watching the clouds as they roll past the moon. “There's nothing else for me to say, Doug. We didn't listen to each other, it's that simple.”

  Doug turns to look at me. I can feel his eyes as they burn my skin, but I keep my eyes on the sky. “Then tell me where I stopped listening. Tell me what I did. Because I can't figure it out.”

  “You can't figure it out?” My tone is dry and callous.

  How can he not know? Isn't it obvious?

  “All I know is we both agreed to this, not just me, not just you, both of us. If something went wrong, we're both to blame.” I can feel the heat of his breath on my cheek. He's breathing fire. The frustration in his voice is thick.

  But he claims he knows me. If he knows me so well, this shouldn't be a hard thing to figure out.

  “I know. I'm not saying that I'm not at fault for anything, but you went too far.”

  “Is this about the engagement thing? Is that what's making you so upset? Because if it is—”

  My jaw crooks to the side and my pupils turn to pinpricks as I interrupt him. “You really don't see the problem here? Are you serious?”

  “Yes, I'm serious, Lyl. Just tell me what it is so I can fix it. I might know you pretty damn well, but I can't read your mind. I'm not a fucking psychic.”

  “Wow, you got that right.” I roll my eyes, peering at him with a side eyed glance. “Because if you could, you wouldn't need me to tell you, and maybe none of this would’ve happened in the first place.”

  “Lyllian, stop being so difficult. We can't do anything to make this better if you just hold it in. Just spit it out, tell me what's wrong.”

  “Fine, you really want to know what's wrong?” I whip my head in his direction, glaring at him through slit lids.

  “Yes, I do. I wouldn't be asking if I didn't. Shit, I wouldn't be here if I didn't care about how you felt.”

  “It's everything, Doug! All of this. It's the fake relationship, it's pretending to be something we're not, it's the hand holding, the little kisses, the light touches, the sex. And it's you talking about getting engaged. All of this was wrong, Doug.”

  “Wrong? How can it be wrong if we both agreed to it?”

  “Because I've spent my whole life afraid of this very moment! Of ending up like my mother, alone, angry, and feeling unloved. When my father walked out on us, it destroyed my life. It destroyed her. I watched her spend night after night just crying uncontrollably. I watched her crumble before my very eyes, and it was like my father never cared. He never cared about her, and he never cared about me. Because if he loved either of us enough, he'd still be here. He chose a new life over a life with us.”

  “I'm sorry you had to go through that, Lyl. I know that was hard on you,” he says. His hands rest in his lap as his eyes soften. “I know what you felt.”

  “No, you don't know,” I snap, my voice harsh. “Your parents are still together. They love each other, and you can still feel it between them. I could feel it today. I spent months watching my parents fight. I watched my mother beg my father to stay and fix their marriage. She tried, she tried so hard to make it work. The yelling, the screaming, it was awful. And then my father gave up. Just like that, he wiped his hands clean of us and left. What if that happens to us? What if this is what tears us apart? You're what got me through my parents’ divorce. What if we got married for all the wrong reasons and ended up like them? Two people who hate each other, who can't even stand the sight of each other. I don't think I could handle that.”

  “Lyllian, that's not going to happen to us.” He reaches over and takes my hand. “It'll never be us.”

  “You don't know that, Doug. My biggest fear is more loss. That's why I've resisted every desire I've ever had for you. That's why I hid behind walls. I never wanted to fuck up what we shared. You were too important to me to mess it up with all this shit. We screwed everything up.”

  “Nothing is screwed up, we're still the same people we were before. I feel the same about you now as I did. This didn't change my view of you. We're still the same.”

  “Are we, Doug? Can you look me in the eyes and say you don't think anything changed?” I face him head on, my eyes wide open. “Look me in the eyes and tell me it feels the same now.”

  He squeezes my hand, his eyes steadying on mine. He doesn't blink, he doesn't look away, he just looks at me firmly in the eyes. “Nothing's changed, Lyl. This can't ruin us. We have too much of a past, too much history to ever let anything divide us.”

  “I'm not so sure of that. Nothing scares me more than losing the only person I've ever—”

  “Loved,” he says, finishing my sentence.

  I dart my eyes away and swallow hard. I've never told him I love him. I always kept my feelings a secret all these years. This fear has kept me silent. It’s been stopping me from opening up and being honest with him.

  His hand tightens around mine, his eyes serious. “Say it, Lyl.”

  The tone of his voice causes my body to shiver. I look up at him, my lips unable to form the right words. I want to say it, but I can't. No matter how much the words sit on the very tip of my tongue, I can't push it out.

  “Say it. Say it so I can hear you.”

  Tears fill my eyes, gliding down my cheeks without pause. “I can't.”

  “Yes you can. Say it, Lyllian. I need to hear you say it.”

  I inhale a deep breath, and as I exhale, I let my voice come through. “I love you.”

  Doug's hands sweep around my face, pulling me in for a kiss. “I love you too,” he says. His eyes are so big and bright as he kisses me again. “I love you, I've always loved you. I could never hurt you. There's no way I'd trade a single day of my life with you for anything else. If I ha
d to walk away from everything right now, just to have you, I would. I would do that because you mean so much more to me than any job. I'd risk everything for you, Lyllian. Everything.”

  “You're really serious?” I say as I look at him.

  “Of course I am. I'd follow you to the end of this earth, Lyl. Why do you think you haven't been able to get rid me yet?”

  I giggle as I reach out and touch his face. I run the tips of my fingers up the curve of his jaw and rake them through his hair. “I can see it now. I've always felt something, but was too blind and scared to let it in. But now, now that my eyes are open, I can see it. I can see you.”

  “I'll never leave you, Lyl. I'll always be by your side. If you've ever questioned where you stand in my life, I want you to know the truth. You've always come first. First before school. First before partying. First before my career. You never have to worry about being alone or getting left behind. I know how hard your parents splitting was on you, and I'd never ever put you through that. I always want you right here, right by my side, right where you've always been. You belong with me. I think that's why we've been this close all our lives.”

  “Why did it take us this long to finally be honest with each other?” I ask as he pulls me in closer and wraps his arm around my shoulders.

  “Because we weren't ready before, and now we are. Life isn't something you can always map out. I know how much you love rules, maps, directions, and all the things that create a straight path with as little risk as possible. But you can't map out love, Lyl. Love finds you, and it works the way it wants to.”

  I'm looking up at him, and I'm in awe. He's perfect. How could I have been so afraid to let this man in for so long? Why did I drown these feelings inside, never giving them light? I kept them in the darkness, refusing to acknowledge their very existence.

  I kiss him softly, letting my lips linger for a long second. “I love you more than you'll ever know.”

  “You're wrong. I know how much you love me, because I love you just the same, and I always will.”