Impure

by Kenna Bardot

  But I worked to harden myself to them, return to that unfeeling well inside me that seemed so close to the surface when I thought about the inequality we lived with. I would never be their partner, never be their equal.

  Be nothing but a pet to use when they felt like it.

  "You're different. You make us different." He bent his head towards us, and his forehead touched mine as he stared down at me, as if begging me to understand. To believe him.

  I couldn't. I doubted I ever would again.

  "There is nothing more I regret now than not running during the last challenge. Because coming back here was the worst decision I’ve ever made. I'd have been better off being punished for that than enduring what you did to me last night," I said harshly, stepping back from Hollis. His arms dropped to his sides, disbelief crossing over his features. I doubted anyone had ever complained about any of the things they did, but I would.

  Annalee chose that moment to step into the common area. Her eyes missed nothing, taking in the way we were all haphazardly dressed that early in the morning.

  "Perfect timing as usual, Annalee." I gave her a bland smile as I bent down to pick my shoes and undergarments up. I walked over and gave her shoulder a hard pat. Her eyes widened in shock, but she said nothing.

  "I'm sure she'd be happy to take care of all your needs, Sirs," I said, striding out of the room with my head held high.

  I might not have been immune to their charms, even during those times they didn’t use their powers on me. But the fact remained that they had.

  So I’d be damned if I let them use me after that night.

  I'd never be used again.

  ✽✽✽

  There were days that felt like I didn't know exactly what I was doing.

  Back in Wintercairn, I'd help women - those who'd felt less, who'd felt like they had no one to turn to. It had been Corinne's thing, with her strong skills as an empath - and by extension Serenity's.

  As their friend, I'd helped. As a woman, I'd felt that need to do so.

  I'd listened to the stories of those who'd been victimized and told them to be strong. Helped them to be strong.

  Now who would help me?

  I'd seen them heal, because they had no other choice. And I'd seen them cope because that was the only thing to be done.

  And that was the thing I was struggling most to do.

  Because I would not let them see they broke me.

  Would not let them see just how much they'd affected me.

  And not just by doing something that went beyond what I had expressed I wanted.

  But more, because they made me admit that a part of me had wanted it, anyway.

  A part of me had rejoiced that they'd taken the choice from my mind and my heart and let my body do what it craved in its deepest and darkest thoughts.

  And really? How much better did that make me than all the other human attendants in Godsvail when I was so willing and happy to get sexual attention from Descendants? They'd all been complicit. They’d all done things to my body.

  And they didn't really give a fuck about it.

  Because to them, it was nothing. I was nothing.

  Anything they'd done was their right and privilege.

  And maybe it was, but I was damned if I’d just pretend it had never happened.

  I balanced the tray on my left forearm as I struggled to get the door open.

  "I'll get the door!" Tate's voice sounded to my right and I heard his footsteps thunder down the hallway to reach me.

  I ignored it and struggled with the knob until I got it twisted. Just at that moment, Tate's hand wrapped around mine. "It's no problem at all, Sir Tate. But thank you."

  I pushed the door open and curtsied. I held my position and bowed my head. "Please go in. I've the refreshments Sir Hollis had ordered for all of you."

  "You go on ahead. That's heavy, I'm assuming." He pointed with his right hand, but I merely kept my position and shook my head.

  "No, please. As the servant, I go in last. I’ll close the door after you."

  He sighed and gave me a long look before entering. I followed soon after and turned around immediately to close the door.

  When I faced the room, the room was silent and staring directly at me. I tried not to let it affect me as I curtsied again. "I'm so sorry, masters. I've taken too long getting the refreshments. There was a bit of a holdup in the kitchens.”

  I didn’t mention that the humans there had made it difficult for me. I didn’t want them saying they would do something about it.

  “Let me set everything up immediately so you may enjoy your libations.”

  Hollis stood up without a word and walked towards me. The moment I laid the tray down on the coffee table, he grabbed my wrist and pushed back the sleeve of the sweater I wore over my dress; he looked at the wire that was still there.

  "Still there," he murmured, more to himself than anyone else in the room.

  "Yes, sir, still there." I gave him a demure look when all I wanted was to pull my hand away. I didn’t want those hands touching me.

  I still remembered what those hands had done. What they'd made me feel and do.

  "I was worried when you took so long that you'd escaped." Hollis shot me a look out of those red eyes. At that moment, they looked so contrite that I had to struggle to remember that they'd been the start of my downfall.

  "I wouldn't know the first thing about escaping, sir. Only a God can take this wire off so you can all be assured I'm staying right here. Happy to serve you all." I smiled but I know it didn't reach my eyes. I stepped back and bowed over the food and drinks.

  "Your refreshments, sirs. Let me know if you need anything else." I kept my head bowed because I didn't want to see their faces. There was a look in their eyes I didn't want to read.

  A look I didn't want to understand.

  "You should stay, Mireyah. Eat with us. Keep your energy up. We know you’ve been doing a lot of training for the next challenge." Even without looking, I knew it was Ryle. He was always about the physical. Always about keeping me fit and healthy.

  I assumed it was because he wanted to make sure I wasn't such a limp noodle in bed. It all came back to that hateful place - bed. But they'd proven that they could do what they wanted even outside a bed.

  I didn't even stand back up to look at him. "No, sir, but thank you sir. I have been training but the challenge is a month away still, and I'm getting enough food fit for humans. I thank you for your concern though, Sir Ryle."

  "A bite of our food surely won't kill you." I heard the smile in Char's voice. Or what passed for a smile on someone as blank as he was.

  I finally stood as my back was aching from bending. But I averted my eyes. I was told that was a sign of respect. "I'm sure you wouldn't make me eat anything that would kill me, sir. But I'd rather not act above my station. I am supremely grateful for the honor of the offer though."

  "Look at us, dammit. There couldn't possibly be anything of interest on that fucking wall." Shep, voice bursting like a storm suddenly raging in the spring sunshine.

  I followed his shouted order but kept my face expressionless. I wasn't giving them the satisfaction of reacting to anything. In fact, I kept my gaze trained on the painting that hung just on the wall behind them. It was a view of Demiorgo, or so I assumed, in the middle of the storm. But I didn’t react to that either, I figured I'd reacted enough in my life for it to be more than enough. "Yes, sir?"

  "Get that stick out of your arse and stop sirring us to fucking death. We're fucking tired of it. You used to call us assholes to our face. So this is getting annoying."

  "Do you want me to call you an asshole then, Sir Ryle?" I let a little of my annoyance eke through but just enough to still grate on their nerves.

  "Asking for permission to call someone an asshole just negates the purpose of calling them an asshole, darling." Tate smiled at me, but his eyes were sad and hurt. Or so I thought when I’d glanced at him briefly. I didn’t much car
e.

  I was done caring.

  "That's true. Is there anything else you need then?" I smiled - a company smile that lacked all warmth.

  "You really are a Northerner, aren't you?" Hollis had turned around and his voice was soft. But I could hear him because everyone else had stopped talking.

  "Yes, sir, I'm from the North. Wintercairn, they called our town. I was born there." And I missed it to the point of pain.

  "Snow all year round, correct?" Hollis turned around and his mouth was in a thin line.

  "Yes," I answered, confused. This was information they knew given the names Ryder and Shep had taken to calling me.

  "Makes sense. Because your blood is cold as ice in much the same way your skin is white as snow."

  "Thank you. That I am." I turned around and went out the door.

  "Frigid bitch," Ryle spat out the moment I walked out.

  It was a harsher nickname than winter girl had been.

  And I smiled. Because I was damn proud of that.

  I was coping after all.

  Chapter 20

  Mireyah

  A sigh escaped my lips as I dragged myself towards the common area. Hollis summoned me giving no hint why I might be required. I hadn't been asked to bring any cleaning supplies nor any food or drinks. Hell, he hadn't even asked me to forage in the forests for him that morning either. He wasn’t usually so cryptic or undemanding.

  I stiffened when I thought of the alternative. It was impossible to forget what they’d done to me that night. How they made me feel. I knew, even without being told, that Hollis and Tate couldn’t make me feel things that weren’t already inside me. They merely brought them to the surface, but it didn’t change the sting of betrayal that they’d done it without my permission. They’d stripped away my will to resist the pull I felt to them, and it hurt even if I couldn’t make myself hate them.

  I briefly considered what would happen to me if I just turned around and left. Jason would be furious; it was possible that they would punish my family for it. I would never gamble with my family's fortunes. Myself, yes. But my family was my weakness.

  With trepidation, I opened the door and the sight that greeted me had my mouth dropping open.

  The room I knew was gone. Whatever furniture had been there previously had been removed completely - nowhere to be seen.

  The guys stood around, and they smiled at me. Smiling without irony, without mockery or intent to torment. My hackles raised with suspicion.

  But that wasn't what captured my attention. There were various wooden blocks of different heights on the floor. There was a target for what I could only assume was target practice as I could see a container of throwing knives and darts.

  The floor was covered with rubber mats like in the training room rather than its customary plush carpeting.

  "I'm sorry," I couldn't help but blurt out. "I seem to be in the wrong room."

  "Not the wrong room, Mireyah," Tate spoke up and walked forward with a smile and an outstretched hand.

  I looked at it but walked forward without grabbing it. I ignored the hurt that plainly ran over his face even as he smiled and tucked the previously offered hand behind his back.

  "I mean I get that, but what have you done with it?" I gaped. "Am I going to have to put it all back?"

  "Well, we did this, so we agreed we'd put it all back." Char spoke this time but unlike Tate, he didn't move, nor did he really react.

  "Uh-huh. What is it for?" I walked forward, bouncing a little on the mat as I did so.

  "For you, of course." Ryle walked forward and stood shoulder to shoulder with his twin.

  I remembered when I had been in between them, fighting against myself. I shook my head slowly to get the image, the sensation, out of my head.

  "What am I supposed to do with it?" I couldn't help it, I was confused.

  "Train," Shep bit out. "Isn't that obvious?"

  “We’ll help you." Hollis walked forward holding a blindfold.

  I balked when I saw it.

  "I don't need help training," I protested although weakly. While I did feel more comfortable training in the human area nowadays, there were moments I felt like it was futile, because I had no one to spar or train with.

  There was no denying that I got stronger, but there were things I knew I could only improve if there was someone else with me.

  "No trick?" I whispered, running a hand over the top of the tallest of the wooden blocks.

  "No trick, darling," Hollis whispered, and I had to fight against the images that floated to my head when I remembered how evil his gentle side could be.

  "While we have every confidence that you'll survive the next challenge, the final one will challenge you in ways you can’t imagine." He looked down at the blindfold he still held and stuffed it into his back pocket.

  “But we won't make you use this if it makes you uncomfortable."

  I let out the breath I didn't know I'd sucked in when he had looked down at that strip of black cloth. "Thank you. I appreciate it, thank you."

  "Well, you're not sirring us to death, anyway." Ryle shot me smug grin.

  Coping better, every moment that passed.

  "No, the frigid bitch is not," I admitted and shot him a smug grin in return. "Sir Ryle."

  He just threw his head back and laughed, and I was tempted to join him. I shook my head so as not to do so.

  Char walked forward, picked up a throwing knife and threw it straight into the middle of the target. "Do better."

  I winged an eyebrow at him, and he smiled.

  "Don't worry, Mireyah, we'll help you do that." Char took a knife by its point and held it out to me. I met his eyes, allowed myself to look into those white depths for a moment and nodded as I took it from his outstretched hand. "Okay then."

  ✽✽✽

  I doubled over from the pain as I attempted to balance myself on the narrowest of the wooden blocks on one foot.

  My breath came out in short gasping breaths as I struggled not to fall.

  "No," I said with a shriek even as the pain increased. I grasped the edge of the wooden block with weak hands.

  "Are you sure of that answer?" I didn't know who spoke because my mind was going numb from the pain.

  But my resolve was strong as I answered weakly, "Yes. I would never trade my family's life for mine. You can take it, if that's what you want."

  Then it stopped. The pain melted away like ice in the hot sun, and I felt a calmness wash over me. A fog wrapped around me and with it, panic.

  Two arms scooped me from under and brought me close towards a hard chest. I reached up with weak arms to bat at it, bat at the memories that threatened to swallow me whole. "No, let me down. Let me down."

  "You're weak yet, Mireyah." Tate. Should have known. He had such capacity for kindness even as he had such a talent for cruelty.

  "I'm fine. Put me down," I demanded, and he did with a reluctance even I could tell in my weakened state.

  "Thank you for the training, sirs." I struggled to my feet and bowed. "I hope you all had fun with that. Got what you wanted out of it."

  "Dammit, Mireyah. We did it to help you. It brought us no pleasure to tire you and bring you pain."

  My gaze cut to Char. "Some of you enjoy giving pain." He nodded, back stiff.

  I walked to the door. "Thank you for this, really. But, please, I'd rather not do it again."

  Shep walked forward and grabbed my elbow. "I'll walk you back."

  I tried to shrug out of his hold, but he wouldn't let me go. We walked down Godsvail, and he held my hand.

  And I saw them. The looks of speculation in the human's faces. The Descendants’ faces since he did so gently, with seemingly no ulterior motive.

  He brought no attention to himself with how quietly we walked, but he attracted attention by being who he was and with whom I was.

  I knew the shoe would eventually drop but at that moment, I was powerless to stop it even as he delivered me to my room and l
eft me alone.

  Alone with my thoughts.

  Alone to leave me to cope - broken and unwhole.

  ✽✽✽

  It had been a long day. Stress piled on top of energy-suck stacked on top of just straight-up exhaustion.

  And the worst part was that it wasn’t even over. I had yet to clean up the Hollis' room since I'd only gotten to the common area earlier that day. They rarely, if ever, had Annalee clean the room because they always complained that she’d grown too annoying.

  Or so they said. But of course, it meant that I had more work to do.

  Well, I only had to stand it for a few more months. Or weeks, who knew.

  I could die at any time.

  I rounded the corner heading out of the hallway from my private quarters and headed down the long hallway towards the guys.

  Before I could get very far, my way was blocked off by a group headed by Annalee.

  How was it they were always blocking my way in the hallways? Just my luck, really.

  "So you think you're all that, don't you, Mireyah? The way you go around this place pretending you're a big deal."

  I sighed. I just wanted the day to end and now here they were, determined to get up in my face and just fuck with me. "Annalee, we've already established the fact that you think I'm not all that. I know that, you know that. Why are we having this conversation again? You’re all starting to become quite repetitive."

  "I haven't seen Charolais or any of the guys in ages. I don't know what you did, but I'm sure you had something to do with it."

  Images of that night flashed in my mind, what I'd felt, or what they'd made me feel.

  And I wanted to slap her for blaming me. When I knew I was not to blame, but what I felt contradicted what I knew to be true.

  My tone hardened, "It is not my problem they don't want to see your stupid face or hear your grating voice. You're welcome to them, but apparently, they've shut that door. Perhaps it's time to accept the fact that they've tired of you. Descendants tend to do that. You know that; I know that. Hey, your entire posse knows that." I gestured to the humans who gathered around her silently.