by Emma Ashwood
'I was married before,' he said. 'Her name was Elsa'.
At first Tally felt a pang in her chest, then she heard the unmistakable sound of long buried grief in his voice. Tucking her legs under her and lying John across her lap, she took Jacob's hand in hers. He looked down at their hands with a frown but made no move to pull away.
'She died, didn't she?' Tally said in a soft voice. Jacob went back to looking at the fire. It seemed a long time before he was able to answer.
'Yes. It was five years ago; we had only been married a year. She died on Christmas Day, giving birth to our daughter.'
Tally sucked in her breath. 'You had a daughter?'
Jacob nodded, the grief etching lines in his face. 'Yes. She was dead before she was born. I swore then, I swore I would never let myself care for anyone ever again. The pain...it destroyed me. Is still destroying me.'
He hung his head and his shoulders heaved in a dry sob. Tally squeezed his hand, her mind whirling with thoughts, feeling as though her heart was breaking for him. The anguish coming from him was palpable. No wonder he hadn't wanted to be romantic and had kept his distance. No wonder Pete had dreaded his reaction about the baby so much. He had been carrying this pain for so long it had eaten away at him until he had nothing left to give. And all this time she had been trying to get his attention, dreaming of a family of her own, never realizing her very presence here must be abhorrent to him.
'I'm so sorry,' she said sincerely. 'And I understand. I'll leave tomorrow, go back to my parents. But please, can't you find it in your heart to give Pete, Ellie and the baby a home?'
Jacob looked at her, and his expression was so wounded Tally wanted to throw her arms around him and never let him go.
'But I don't want you to go,' he said, almost in wonder. Tally felt hope leap in her chest.
'You don't?'
Jacob shook his head. 'No, I don't,' he said more firmly. 'Every day I've wanted to be with you, talk to you, hold you. But I thought...'
'You felt guilty? About Elsa?' Tally guessed.
Jacob nodded. 'Maybe. Even though I know deep down she wouldn't want me to be alone, not after all this time. I think, mostly, I was scared.'
'Of me?'
'Yes,' he admitted. 'Of being hurt again, left again. Of trying to start a family and the same thing happening. I thought if I threw myself into the ranch, kept you at a distance, I could keep everything in order. Keep myself from ever getting hurt again. But all I've done is hurt everyone else.' He looked down at John and his face creased in remorse. 'That poor girl,' he said, and it took a minute for Tally to realize he was referring to Ellie.
'It's not too late,' she said softly. 'The trains are terrible, aren't they? You said it yourself when I arrived. You might catch them if you go now.' She let go of his hand and stood up, waiting for him. He looked up at her, his expression so raw and she longed to take him in her arms and comfort him.
'Will you come with me?' He looked unsure of himself, like a boy, all his arrogance and authority momentarily stripped away. Tally smiled at him, and then looked down at John.
'Of course I will. Let's get this boy back to his mother.' She prayed they weren't too late.
Pete was about to load their meager belongings on the train, a distraught Ellie like a ghost behind him, when he saw the cart pulling up. He frowned, unsure at first at what he was seeing, and then stood frozen as he recognized Jacob, with Tally next to him.
'John!' Ellie exclaimed and ran towards them. He saw Tally climb off the cart and hand his daughter his grandson, and thought for one awful moment that the Tuckers were going to send them away with the baby. Then he saw Tally throw her arms around them both. As Jacob began to approach, Pete pulled his bags back off the train and turned to face him, squaring his shoulders for a showdown. He was amazed when Jacob looked at him with beseeching eyes full of remorse.
'Pete, I came to apologize,' he said, and Pete knew what that must cost this proud young man in front of him. Even so, he didn't let his expression change.
'You gave us no choice,' he said gruffly. 'I had to try and do what was best for my daughter. And my grandson.'
'I know. And I know I've been terrible to you both lately. You've been like a father to me, and you both – you all – deserve better. I want to ask you to come back. It might be tight for a while, but there's room in the house for Ellie and John until I can build you all a bigger house.”
Pete felt like he could cry, though he'd be run over by a galloping stallion before he would show it. Instead he reached out and shook Jacob's hand. 'Thank you. I'll be sure we're not a burden. I'll work twice as hard.'
'You work hard enough, Pete. And from now on I'll be sure to give you proper credit for it. Come home? The ranch needs you. I need you.'
Pete was shocked at the abrupt change in his boss. He looked over at the women, now sitting up in the cart. Ellie was clutching the baby to her chest as if she would never let him go again.
'What happened? You finally see sense?'
Jacob had the grace to look embarrassed. 'She told me a few home truths, let's put it that way.'
'Did you tell her about...?'
Jacob nodded, 'Yes. And you were right. I should have told her before. Things are going to be different from now on, Pete; I swear it.'
The two men looked at each other with renewed respect, and as Pete heaved his bags up onto the cart, his eyes met Tally's. He nodded to her, a sense of certainty settling on him that from now on, things were going to be very different indeed.
Tally entered the room to see Jacob once again sitting by the fire, deep in thought. He looked worn out, the emotion of the day having taken its toll. Tally went and sat next to him, feeling incredibly shy. In spite of the day's events, she still didn't feel like she really knew where she stood with this man.
'I've settled Ellie and John into my room for now,' she said. 'It’s warmer than Pete's house and more comfortable.'
'That's grand,' Jacob said without looking at her. Tally wondered if that had been the right thing to do. They sat side by side, an awkward silence growing between them. When they both turned to each other to speak at the same time, Tally giggled, and it broke the atmosphere and lightened her nerves.
'You first,' she said. Jacob smiled and then looked serious.
'I know I haven't been a good husband to you so far, Tally, and I do understand if you want to go back home. I won't try and stop you. But I would like us to have the chance to start again, if you can forgive the way I've been with you these past few weeks?' He looked almost shy, Tally thought, the flames dancing over his handsome features.
'I'd like that,' she said simply. 'And I understand. If I had known what you had been through, it would have made more sense to me.'
Jacob nodded, 'I should have told you. It's just...so hard for me to speak about. And until you made me see that what I had become was pushing everyone away and had endangered Pete and Ellie even...well I suppose, I thought it was for the best. I see how wrong I was now.'
'It's alright,' Tally said, and she meant it. Though it would no doubt take time for everyone's emotions to settle and for the trust to grow between her and Jacob, she felt that now he had finally opened up to her, they might indeed have a chance. 'But please don't keep things from me again.'
Jacob took her hand and stared into her eyes. 'I promise, Tally.' She felt as though he was renewing their wedding vows, with his full presence this time.
They gazed at each other for a long moment, Jacobs eyes searching her face as if seeing her for the first time.
‘You’re so beautiful,’ he said, ‘I’ve been such a fool.’
She blushed, feeling shy under his gaze, and felt a warm glow running through her. He lifted his hand to her cheek, hesitantly, and then caressed it as she dipped her face into his palm, wordlessly giving her consent to his touch.
‘I want to kiss you,’ he said roughly, his voice deep. Tally nodded. It was about time.
As their lips met, T
ally felt her whole body melt into his arms. It was as though the tension of the last few weeks melted away. Now they could begin again. She broke the kiss and smiled at him.
‘Now I feel like your wife.’
Jacob stood in front of the now tidy grave and allowed the tears to come without fighting them away or attempting to turn his grief to anger. After taking breakfast with Tally that morning, he had come here to the tiny grave right at the edge of his land that he never visited, and he had tidied it up. He righted the wooden cross and clumsily prayed over it, struggling to remember the words the pastor had used at the original service.
And then he allowed himself to feel.
He cried, feeling the full weight of his grief and letting it finally pass through him. He cried too for the man he had been over the past five years, for the ways in which he had hurt Pete, Ellie and Tally, and he asked for forgiveness. He felt the wind seem to still around him and had a sense of being seen, of being comforted. He remembered Elsa’s kind eyes and he smiled, somehow knowing that she approved.
Then he returned to the house. Ellie was in the kitchen with Tally, and looked up at him with trepidation, holding John more tightly to her. Taking a deep breath, Jacob leaned towards the baby. ‘He’s a fine boy,’ he said awkwardly, and Ellie looked surprised and then beamed at him. Tally looked over at them and smiled. He met her eyes, and she gave him a shy look that made him remember the night before. Having her in his arms at last had been bittersweet; an ending wrapped into a new beginning, but he had woken this morning feeling restored. Watching her sleep, her golden hair spread over his pillows, he had felt like the luckiest man alive. And while he was still nervous – terrified, if he admitted it to himself – he knew that from now on things were only going to get better.
He walked over to Tally and kissed her on the cheek. ‘So I was thinking, I don’t want anything too over the top, but we need to honor little John here’s first Christmas?’
Tally gaped at him, then threw her arms around him in delight. ‘Really? Oh thank you. I’ll keep everything simple, I promise. I know what this must have meant to you.’
‘No, you were right. Christmas should be celebrated. Elsa always loved it.’ His voice caught on the unfamiliarity of speaking her name. Tally looked up at him, her eyes shining.
‘Then we’ll hold it in her honor,’ she said softly. Jacob gazed at her, feeling the love for this woman bubbling up in him. Becoming aware of Ellie’s incredulous eyes on them both, he coughed and stepped away.
‘I’d better join Pete; there’s a lot to do if we’re going to be having the holidays off. I’ll join you for dinner? I was going to invite Pete too.’
‘Yes,’ said Tally with delight.
She watched Jacob leave and then looked at Ellie, whose eyebrows had disappeared into her hairline.
Tally nodded at John, sleeping in his mother’s arms. ‘He’s such a content little soul.’
Ellie looked down at him and stroked his face, then looked at Tally and said, ‘It will be you next, Miss. Pa’s got money on it.’
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Chapter 10
Christmas Day 1881
Jacob heaved a bag of presents into the main room and tipped them out, to shrieks of delight from Tally and Ellie. He could smell cake baking in the kitchen, along with a range of other fantastic tasty bites, and he thought he couldn’t be any more content. Tally had insisted on inviting all the ranch hands to dinner in the family kitchen and Jacob, as always, had been unable to say no to her, though quite where they were going to put everyone he had no idea. There seemed to always be gatherings here now; the pastor and his wife came regularly, and Tally’s parents came as often as they could.
John crawled over to him and tugged at his leg and Jacob smiled at him indulgently. The child, lavished on by Ellie, Tally, Pete and himself, was completely spoiled and utterly adorable. Jacob grinned down at him then looked over at Tally who sat by the fire, the light of the flames looking more beautiful than ever. Just a few weeks out of childbed, she still had that maternal glow.
She held their newborn daughter in her arms, and Jacob felt a swell of pride as he watched them both. It felt as though all his dreams had come true this year. It had been frightening when Tally had gone into labor and Jacob had insisted on being there in spite of the doctor’s and Mag’s protestations. When the baby had been delivered, she had let out an indignant wail instantly and Tally had laughed through her tears.
‘Just like her father,’ she had chuckled.
They had named the baby Joy and that was all that he felt in his heart that Christmas.