The No Contact Rule

by Natalie Lue

  DEALING WITH THREATS

  Sometimes a person becomes desperate when they feel out of control and they use something that they either already know works, or they try it for the first time, and due to the way in which you respond, they continue to employ these means of controlling your agenda – threats. Whether they’re threatening to injure themselves or you, or to cause some form of retribution, what you cannot do is make yourself responsible for this person. If you do, next thing you know, you’ll still be in this situation due to fear, guilt, pity or all of these, none of which are conducive to a healthy relationship.

  Threats do a ‘wonderful’ job of scaring you into compliance especially if you’re already someone who tends to be a fixer/healer/helper who tries to right the wrongs of the past and even more so if you’re a blame absorber.

  There’s no easy way to deal with threats of suicide or self-harm. What I can tell you is that I’ve heard from hundreds of people who are NC who have felt panicked by an ex’s claims of being on the verge of doing something. These people have either felt gravely concerned due to the history of this person’s behaviour or have been frightened due to it seeming out of character. It’s easy to put two and two together and draw the conclusion that NC has caused your ex serious mental and emotional harm.

  Unfortunately what tends to happen is that regardless of whether it’s a regular thing or it comes out of the blue, most respond and then discover that the person was far from serious and even claims to have ‘forgotten’ about the incident, or even worse, claims that the worried ex is being ‘melodramatic’. Of course there’s always the chance that this person is serious but nonetheless, you have to carefully consider what you do next because regardless of the threats, what isn’t an option is opting back into the dynamic in an attempt to stave off the possibility. It immediately renders this relationship an incredibly unhealthy and codependent one. What you do next will help both of you and/or make clear that you cannot be manipulated.

  Ultimately, whether they’re threatening to harm themselves or you, what you cannot do is go back and hold yourself hostage to this situation.

  -- If you genuinely believe that their threats of suicide or self-harm are serious and imminent, call the emergency services. While you may believe that you’re equipped to handle this situation, you’re not. Even if you could calm them down, you’re ignoring what these threats represent – issues that need handling by this person and a professional. By attempting to make you the solution to their problem, you could put yourself in danger, plus you’re obstructing their need and responsibility to get help.

  -- If you do decide to go and see them, be prepared that it may not be the situation that’s been portrayed. It’s upsetting, but just be relieved and go home.

  -- If this has previously happened, it may be best to get in touch with a family member or friend of theirs. This is tricky because the one making the threats may not react very well to you doing this but it’s their threat that’s put you between a rock and a hard place and they have no right to place that responsibility on you.

  -- If they’re threatening to harm you or your property or even your family and friends, don’t disregard the threat and do report them. Especially if there’s a history of abuse in the relationship or you are aware of previous complaints/convictions for stalking and abusive behaviour. Don’t try to be the exception to the rule and certainly don’t downplay their threats because the first time you might realise that they’re serious might be when it’s too late. Keep a record of everything and speak with your local law enforcement – you would be surprised what you may discover when you make the report as it’s very possible that you’re not the first.

  -- If you’re scared to leave your home or are experiencing a great deal of anxiety about the threats, do apply for a restraining order. Sometimes it’s the wake-up call that a person needs. Don’t violate this order yourself though as it undermines it, plus respecting the order is pivotal in helping abuse to be taken seriously. Violating it may also inadvertently give leverage to your ex who could twist this whole thing around.

  -- It’s not about you; it’s displacement of their feelings and thoughts. Yes you have been NC and they have to deal with what that loss represents, which may in turn bring up some very uncomfortable feelings from previous experiences. It’s understandable to check up on them but what you cannot do is restart the relationship or attempt to ‘save’ them or control their threatening behaviour – you’re not that powerful. It’s also important to remember that you’re not committing a wrongdoing by ending the relationship or maintaining a distance. If anything, the fact that these threats are happening underscores how much this decision was and is needed. This is a highly toxic situation. You do not deserve this treatment irrespective of whatever happened in the relationship.

  -- Don't deal with these threats alone. You have nothing to be ashamed of and keeping these threats a secret is isolating. Talk to friends and family and don’t be afraid to seek professional help because situations like this are traumatic. Talking about this and seeking help will help you to gain some much-needed perspective.

  -- If this situation is similar to another event from the past or this person’s behaviour is bringing up an old wound, such as not being able to stop a parent from doing something destructive or being blamed for their boundary violations, it’s pivotal to differentiate between these two sets of experiences so that you don’t end up trying to right the wrongs of the past. Seeking professional support can also help to lay the old traumas to rest.

  -- If you allow this person’s threats to run your life, you’ll gradually feel like you have no life left. Intimidation and guilt is not love.

  CUTTING OFF A NARCISSIST

  If you’re serious about No Contact and you’ve been dealing with a narcissist or you suspect them to be due to abusive behaviour, it’s really important that you put your own ego aside (ironic I know) and truly heed what I’m going to say in this chapter. If you don’t, the pain that you will experience further down the line is nothing compared to what you may be in now or previously.

  What is absolutely critical to recognise here is that it doesn’t matter if they’re a diagnosed narcissist (or sociopath/psychopath) or whether you suspect them to be – the fact that you would suspect someone of this issue speaks volumes about what you’ve been experiencing. What I wouldn’t do is attempt to be the exception to a rule that no one else has managed to be the exception to – narcissists don’t love and the way that their minds operate is very different to a human with empathy. Sure, I suppose if you want to look at the possibility of this person loving you, behaving themselves and basically no longer having this personality disorder as your fairy tale, I can see why you might think that getting this person to do these things would represent an incredibly ‘valuable’ love but that’s like saying that you’d rather spend your life trying to get water from an empty well and getting high off the occasional drip.

  NC All The Way – No Exceptions

  You cannot do partial contact with a narcissist and attempt to be their mate and certainly not with someone who has been abusive and/or exploitative. Any interaction by you is just coins in their ever filling attention jar. They don’t do nuances so while you may feel like you have a logical reason for responding or even reaching out to them, they just think “They love me.”

  If you’ve done your reading up on narcissism or even sociopaths, you’ll know that NC is the only way to get your life back. You can be food in their cage for them to feed off of, or you can cold turkey it and focus on addressing why you were involved with them in the first place. They won’t like you cutting it off and feeling like they’ve lost and are not in control – tough shit – and it’s important for you to not lose sight of this. You haven’t liked being on the receiving end of their treatment either and the difference is, you don’t have a personality disorder so you need to stop trying to fight against this and stop acting like you’re coming from the same perspective. Nar
cissists like to abandon you first before you have the good sense to see them for what they are and get away from them. You cutting off will get on their nerves (and then some) but they will only woo you back and bait and goad you so that they can put you in a position where they can abandon you.

  Don’t Remind Them To Stop Contacting You

  Even responding to say that you don’t want them to contact you or reminding them why is not only contact but it’s also more coins in their attention jar. They will bait and goad and bait and goad until they get the response that they want. Unless they’re of the stalking/dangerous variety, they will eventually move on to a new target while likely trying to reach out to you again. Do not respond. Make it easier for yourself by blocking as many forms of contact as you can so that you don’t even see it. Then they can get their attention rocks off on their own time.

  They will not like you not giving attention as if your ‘role’ and goal in life is to be some sort of attention slave. That’s how they see people. They may very well be pissed off but just remember, the only reason they are getting in touch is to put you back in that role. They don’t do feelings and they don’t do empathy so they have not changed and if you fall for this, you will find yourself in a hell of a lot of pain and will feel duped when their charm wears off.

  Stop Trying To Outthink Them

  Stop concerning yourself with what the next move might be. Unless you’re a narcissist or a sociopath yourself, you really will have no idea what is running through their mind. If you want to know what to expect, plot out your relationship on a chart, mark the highs, mark the lows, mark who got in touch with who, how long there has been between contacts, and how they typically respond to conflict, criticism, you saying NO, you asserting your needs, etc. That’s what to expect.

  Stop Justifying

  Every time you have the urge to explain or engage or both, remember: there’s no point; they cannot empathise. Think about the logic of this – narcissist or not, you believe this person to have empathy issues so why do you keep trying to explain your position or giving yourself a hard time for them not understanding your position and empathising with it? That just doesn’t make sense. Don’t engage with them. It’s one thing if you want to stress out your brain from afar trying to figure out how someone can behave in this way or be so devoid of compassion and care, but do not try to do it with them. It’s like trying to recover from a broken leg while putting it under a chainsaw.

  Don’t Be A Puppet

  When you consider going back and engaging, think of yourself like a puppet – everything that you do with a narcissist is about them believing that they are tugging at your strings and having you fulfil your role in The Great Narcissist at The Royal Assholery Theatre. Why go and play your part? If you think you can go to the ‘play’ and come up with your own role or start saying lines that don’t fit with the role and the play, think again. They will squash you with a ferocity that can literally take your breath away.

  Don’t ‘Fire Shots’

  Do not tell them about themselves as some sort of parting shot. Don’t. If you do, aside from the fact that they’ll take it as a signal of more attention and feed off it while marking your cards as a psycho or something, depending on what flavour of aggressive they are, they can become verbally or even physically violent or do something to diminish your reputation. If they really are a narcissist or narcissistically inclined, then you should already know that you never tell them that they are, no matter how tempting; you walk, in fact sprint, away.

  Don’t Fall For The Apology Trick

  Next thing you know, they’ll be getting you to apologise which is an attempt to press the Reset Button in exchange for you being allowed back into the harem. Do not apologise – narcissists take it to mean that you’re apologising for ‘everything’ including their actions. You may think that if you apologise that everything will be OK, but when they sink their proverbial teeth into you again, you’ll regret thinking that you could treat them like a normal person with feelings.

  Don’t Publicise Your Pain

  Another reason they get in touch or keep track of you is to ensure that you’re miserable without them – it’s another source of attention. If you message them back saying “Leave me alone! I’m in so much pain!” they don’t feel guilty; they collect some money for the attention jar. Don’t posts statuses on Facebook about how much your life is crumbling, don’t look like you haven’t slept or eaten in a month even if you haven’t, and don’t let anyone chat about your business to them. Don’t tell them that you can’t stop thinking about them or that you’re nothing without them – er, how much of a frickin ego stroke can you give one person?

  Attention in the form of your misery is attention and for a narcissist, that’s all that matters and they don’t actually need to be with you to get that attention. These people feel just as stoked with the knowledge that you’re miserable without them. NC removes that knowledge.

  Stop Scratching The Narcissistic Attention Itch

  It may seem impossible now, but believe me – if you don’t scratch the contact itch, over time, if you get on with your own life, that need to scratch it will fade. Each time you scratch the contact itch will set you back, especially as being with a narcissist is pretty damn traumatic. This person reminds you of someone from your past, likely your childhood in a big way. Address that so that you stop thinking that this person who may be great on a good day but horrendous on another is ‘normal’ and as good as it gets.

  UNDERSTANDING THE DYNAMIC

  NC BREAKS UNHEALTHY HABITS

  Have you ever told someone that it’s over or made threats and then found yourself backsliding and going back on your word? If you have a cycle of breaking up and getting back together, or staying even though you’ve said that you’ve had enough or that certain things have to change “or else”, this has been contributing a lot to how much they believe, whether it’s consciously or subconsciously, that they can get away with. The first time you shouted the modern day dating equivalent of 'WOLF!', they were probably scared.

  "I can't take this anymore!"

  "We're over!"

  "Well piss off back to your ex then!"

  "You pull this ever again and we're through! You got me?!"

  But there is one thing that lets them know that you're crying wolf – you're still there, so when you say:

  "I can't take this anymore!" They learn that actually, you can because you're always widening your yardstick to accommodate their behaviour.

  "We're over!" They learn that it's an empty threat. It's over till you panic about who they’re with, where they’re at, who they’re doing, and how you're ever going to resist/get over them.

  "Well piss off back to your ex then!" They take you at your word and then you hunt them down to come back and even take up the role of the Other Woman/Guy to keep them in your life at any cost. Or as soon as the words are out of your mouth, you apologise for saying it and even apologise for their behaviour!

  "You pull this ever again and we're through! You got me?!" They do it again, and you stay and they know after that that they can pretty much do as they please. They also know that you’re a ranter and a threatener but you’re certainly not a mover and shaker. The first time you raised hell, they were scared. Maybe even the second, third, and tenth time. At some point, they realised that you were mostly talk and worked out the pattern of the dynamic between you both. Because you're still there, they think it's empty threats or at the very least, that you consider them your best option.

  Crying wolf gives you the temporary illusion of a power shift. These situations are so frustrating that you can miss the memo that it has the hallmarks of a get-the-hell-out-of-dodge situation because you’re too busy trying to get things on your terms and battling your own insecurities that are likely part of the reason you think that this person is as good as it gets.

  If you’re at this NC juncture, you’ve probably tried a variety of methods to get some movement in t
he relationship area of your life, and instead, have found yourself going round and round in a vicious circle. You just can’t shake them or your need to keep going back to the relationship ‘crime scene’, and you keep saying how unhappy you are yet you keep revisiting the same situation. Crying ‘wolf’ is representative of there being an unhealthy dynamic between you both as well as the existence of unhealthy habits of thinking and behaviour that have you living off crumbs and essentially turning someone else’s crumb into your overblown loaf while neglecting your own needs, wishes and expectations.

  You’ve had or are approaching your ‘enough moment’ – that event or instance no matter how small that tips you over the edge and galvanises you into action. But… you know yourself and the reality is that if you trusted yourself and knew what to expect from yourself, you probably wouldn’t be reading this.

  Something brought you to this point and now you need to build upon it. In order to not only make NC successful but more importantly, change your relationship habits so that you can be happier and ultimately find a relationship more befitting of you, you need to understand how to break your pattern and why that pattern exists in the first place.