The No Contact Rule

by Natalie Lue

  How can I be going NC when I thought that we were going to be together forever?

  How can I be going NC when I truly believed that he/she meant every word they said?

  What if by not going NC I have the chance to not be disappointed?

  What did I do to deserve this disappointment?

  Many people confuse disappointment with rejection. In fact many equate one with the other, but the fact that you’ve experienced disappointment doesn’t mean that you’ve been rejected or that your expectations are or were ‘wrong’. This disappointment didn’t happen because you’re not ‘good enough’; it happened because there were a number of contributing factors very much separate to your ‘quality’ as an individual that together meant that your expectations couldn’t be met.

  It’s the end of your relationship, which is the emotional, physical, sexual, spiritual and mental connection between you both. The relationship while it had these two physical beings in it that were interacting with one another, this connection between you both that makes the relationship is in itself intangible and can be ended by words alone even if physical, emotional etc, evidence remains. It’s confusing and painful because so many feelings remain along with hope, expectations and plans and then, it’s over and there’s white space to fill and that space hurts and that hurt may feel like rejection but it’s not; it’s disappointment.

  Whether they said or did things to create those expectations or you arrived with them anyway irrespective of who they were or the quality of your relationship, or you got carried away with assumptions and fantasy, you had expectations and NC is partly about reconciling those with reality, grieving the loss and learning positively from this experience.

  THE NATURAL CONSEQUENCE OF AN UNHEALTHY DYNAMIC OR WAY OF BEING IS NC

  The reason why NC is so effective at communicating your boundaries and your newfound or re-found self-respect, self-love, self-trust and self-care is that until you cut contact, you’re so ‘there’ they assume you’re there for them to do what the hell they please with. You’re so there in mind, body and spirit, they don’t get to ‘miss’ you but more importantly, they experience little or no consequences. The first time they may truly value you and recognise the consequences of their actions is likely to be when you value you too much to want to go back there.

  Life involves making choices and accepting and rejecting behaviour. It’s important for us to feel perceived and genuine differences in behaviour and circumstance for us to truly feel the impact of consequences.

  If someone learns that no matter what they do, you’ll be there, they learn that there are no consequences to be felt and in essence, what they’re doing becomes acceptable. It also means that they don’t fear losing you because they don’t think that they’re in a position to lose you. It’s only by consistently demonstrating that you’re no longer ‘there’, that you can effectively convey a different message to someone who has learned over time that you’re ‘reliable’, albeit for the wrong reasons. This isn’t about getting this person to ‘miss’ you so that you can get back together; NC communicates that it may have been a long time coming, but you do have boundaries, there are negative consequences to what has happened between you both, and that the access or the privileges that they’ve previously enjoyed have been revoked.

  Each time you stand firm in your NC position while also treating yourself with love, care, trust and respect, you learn healthier responses to what have previously been tricky situations for you. Being able to sit through your feelings, to talk yourself out of breaking NC, to remind yourself of the reality as opposed to the illusions and essentially not falling for the same con numerous times keeps you in the present instead of living in the past or betting on a potential that’s already let you down. If they want someone to get an ego stroke, shag, a shoulder to lean on, or whatever it is they need, you’re not that person so they need to jog along to someone else.

  The litmus test of all this is, if you develop a healthier relationship with yourself, which will result in healthier beliefs about love and relationships, will you still want this person? Will you still love him/her? Will you still be breaking your neck to see when you can next make contact with them? Unlikely. If you have a pattern with this person or a general pattern of unhealthy behaviour and thinking in your relationships, it’s time to make the choice that if loving someone means that you can’t love, care, trust and respect yourself, always and with no equivocations, choose you.

  MOVING FORWARD

  STAYING FOCUSED

  No Contact means that you have to go cold turkey but at the same time you’re also putting yourself in the driving seat of your life, creating your own closure, and are starting to gain self-control in a dynamic where at one time you probably thought it was impossible. Maintaining NC can be hard but it’s nowhere near as hard as the alternative – selling yourself short and being unavailable for an available, healthy relationship. You’re only going to do NC and move on happily if you nurture yourself through this time. This is not a time when you need flog yourself with judgement, blame and shame – you need to have your own back and love yourself through NC and if you don’t love yourself that much right now then you need to learn to like you during NC.

  Several months into being NC from my ex, I discovered for the first time that I genuinely liked and loved myself. This was incredible progress considering that NC had felt like torture and I hadn’t believed that I’d make it through it. I’d lost my self-respect over the years (I’m not entirely sure I even had it in the first place) and when I finally started sticking up for myself in a positive way (not sticking up for myself by demanding that this clown leave his girlfriend and shack up with me), I became comfortable in my own skin and far more compassionate for this person I’d been who massacred herself in her involvements.

  Nurture yourself. This is about putting yourself first and you need to do it because you’ve allowed their needs and inability to give you what you need and want to be placed at the centre of your universe. Be the centre of your own life.

  -- Don’t overwhelm yourself by thinking about getting through months. Take it a day at a time, then a week at a time.

  -- Mentally pull over and come back to earth. When you feel compelled to break NC, it’s important to do the mental equivalent of pulling over on the roadside and refocusing your thoughts. Where are you? What is the reasoning behind your desire to break NC? Based on previous experiences and what you know of this person, what do you know is likely to happen? When you get hurt, can you deal with the medium-term repercussions? How will you feel after you have reacted? Think about it. What’s the choice here? You don’t have to choose the path of least resistance. You are in control of yourself, not your ex or your urge to break NC. You are behind the wheel of your choices so make sure that you choose the right path for you.

  -- Be powerful in your own mind. They are not better than you and they do not have the power over you that you think they do. You are powerful, you can do this; believe it. Willing NC to work is not enough – you have to do the actions to support the process and also support those actions with the thoughts to back them up. Don’t hope you’ll be able to do NC, plan to be able to do NC and do the work to make it happen.

  -- Challenge yourself not to think about this person. Day one, each time you think of him/her, mark it down on a sheet of paper in your diary or something. Total it up and the next day, aim to do less by getting into the habit of directing your thoughts elsewhere and being more focused on your present. Or if you’re really hung up it might be better to do it by week. Target yourself to reduce it down each day/week. The trick is that if you are focusing on yourself and feeling in a better place emotionally, your thoughts will be directed away from this person. Set yourself a challenge. I’ve practically had to sit on my hands in the past to get to the end of the first week, but once I did it, it became a challenge to get to the end of week two and so forth. I rewarded myself along the way and when I got to three months, my s
hoe cupboard had a new arrival…

  -- Plan your weeks, especially in the early months. Keeping really busy is a great way to learn how to deal with boredom and stress as well as an opportunity to do things that you’re interested in or to reconnect with friends and family.

  -- Work out your short (under six months), medium (6–18 months) and long-term (18 months+) goals. This exercise is invaluable because it makes you identify and acknowledge your needs, wants and expectations. What you do from now on has to genuinely align with these goals if you want to be authentic and happy. If what you’re engaging in takes you in a different direction, you’re short-changing yourself. These goals give you a focus and a purpose because much as the process of NC is important, you also have to get on with having a life at the same time.

  -- Keep a journal. You’re going to learn a hell of a lot about yourself during this process and a journal is a record of what happens during the process as well as a resource when you’re having an off day or week and need a reminder of how far you’ve come. Many readers incorporate goal setting but they also use the journal as a means of keeping themselves accountable and learning to write out their feelings.

  -- Keep a Feelings Diary. You can incorporate this into your journal or do this separately or alone. Identify what it is that you’re trying to avoid, whether it’s uncomfortable feelings, or having to deal with a particular situation, such as moving your life forward after a breakup. Keep a record of what has happened on days where your feelings for your ex intensify and keep a note of when and why you hit despair – here amongst the feelings by which you’re being hijacked, lies the truth. Find it. Also learn to recognise the cues and triggers that are most likely to affect you including recognising when you’re in the zone of feeling vulnerable to breaking NC. This gives you an opportunity to reground yourself and invest your energy into more productive uses. Use the included PDF guide in your purchase to help you.

  -- Put on your favourite feel good/empowering song, turn the music up loud, and verbally vent out your frustration. Sounds crazy but it’s great for releasing pent up emotions and you start to get a sense of humour about the whole thing. Oh and your neighbours can’t hear you talking to yourself. If you’re crazy like me, you’ll do a little dance too. When I was NC, “I Used To Love Him” and “Forgive Them Father” from The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill, along with “Since You’ve Been Gone”, Kelly Clarkson, “In The Morning”, Mary Mary and pretty much anything by Beyoncé got me going. Alanis Morrisette’s “You Oughta Know” is genius.

  -- Write ‘Don’t call {insert name}’ on a Post-It and stick it to your phone, mirror and anywhere else that helps you visualise. Or write it in lipstick/wipeable pen on your mirror. I know of people who literally littered their homes with messages and it works.

  -- Some people need reminders of the ‘Big Whoppers’ – the horrible things that they did. Type up the short form of each offence and print it out in a decent sized font. For example, ‘Stood me up six times’; ’Never delivered on any of his/her promises’; ’Broke up with me when I was sick in hospital/my parent died’, then stick it up somewhere that you can see them. Or create a screen saver…

  -- Note the memory triggers. I only had to think of ‘The time with the panic attack’ or the name of a place or the phrase, ‘You know my situation’ to remember how poorly I’d been treated. Keeping a note of these are reminders of why you won’t be going back.

  -- Take a break from dating. Dating Hiatuses enable you to reconnect with yourself and heal but they also prevent you from knee-jerking into another dubious relationship due to trying to avoid your feelings. Most importantly, if you’re not dating, you won’t end up in a situation where you’re comparing a new partner or getting a knock back which then triggers nostalgia for your ex, which in turn you may respond to.

  -- Be careful with alcohol. If you’re the type that calls/texts your exes when you’ve had a few vinos, it’s probably best to cut back until you’ve gotten over the urge.

  -- Use the time to reconnect with other aspects of your life. Friends, family, hobbies, work. When we’re messed about, something always gets sidelined so use the opportunity to get things back on track. Apologise to those that you need to, although you’d be surprised how pleased people will be to have you back. You’re not the first and you won’t be the last to get lost in a relationship but use this time to remind yourself of the things that matter because if you base everything around one person, when they’re no longer in your life, you’ll feel bereft and lost, which adds to the sense of dependency. If your friendships and family relationships are under strain, you may find that this is a time where you not only reinforce your boundaries, but you focus your energies on building your life and making new connections.

  -- Ask yourself, ‘What am I not prepared to accept in a relationship?’ so that you can define your boundaries. If you can’t think of something, you know something’s really, really wrong, because we can all find at least ten things that are a serious no go for a relationship! Just look at the chapter 40 Signs That NC Is A Necessity – that’s boundary inspiration. If you accept everything that comes your way, how would you make the decision to opt out?

  -- What should you be saying no to?

  -- What do you want to say no to right now but can’t get the words out?

  -- What makes you feel miserable and taken advantage of?

  -- What are your consistent negative threads (your patterns) in your relationships and what has it taught you about what is and isn’t acceptable?

  -- Ask yourself if you’re a ‘yes’ person and what you could cut back on to begin reducing your Nos. Start small and build up. Assertiveness is like a muscle. The more you use it, the stronger you get at assertiveness tasks. Start with one a day and then increase every few days to a week. It can feel painful initially but that passes when you realise how good you feel.

  -- NO isn’t a dirty word! Life is not about being a yes person and rolling over so you can be walked all over and kicked while you’re down. Being in a relationship is not about being a martyr! The word ‘NO’ allows you to respect yourself… and for others to respect you. Nobody can say yes all the time and regardless of whatever warped messaging is telling us the contrary, nobody expects you to say yes all the time… unless they’re an assclown.

  -- Don’t make exceptions to your boundaries. Decide what they are and don’t deviate. You don’t need to decide to bust your boundaries because someone says the right thing. Keep your boundaries and let them say the right thing and let it proceed from there. At least you know that you’re continuing authentically.

  -- Don’t do things for approval. If you wouldn’t do it if you didn’t think that they would reward you with something that they may not even be aware of, don’t do it. If you wouldn’t give something if you didn’t think that you would get something back, don’t do it.

  -- Are you pretending to be happy and grimacing your way through life? You know when you smile but it’s a tight one, or the smile doesn’t reach your eyes because you’re in turmoil within? What is bugging you? Be honest and then think about how you can best reduce the impact of these stresses even though it will take you out of your comfort zone. Do what makes you happy and start by saying and showing no.

  -- Do you have boundaries in other areas of your life such as with family and friends? If so, what can you apply to your romantic relationships?

  -- List your potential boundaries that have arisen through your introspection – you’ll find that a number cross into each other and can be summarised into one boundary. The likelihood is that you should be able to find at least ten things that are major Nos for you.

  REBUILD A LIFE WITH MEANING

  How much of your life have you spent waiting for their call?

  Can they call you up and you agree to plans at the drop of a hat?

  Do you have a limited social life but are saying that you don’t meet people?

  Do you spend a lot of time on dating site
s but not actually out there in the real world?

  Are you not deviating from a routine that you’ve had for a long time?

  Do you think every romantic prospect you meet might be the one?

  Have you isolated yourself from family and friends?

  On the occasions when you’re out, do you worry about getting home for their call?

  Are you staying home at the weekends feeling sorry for yourself because you feel you have nothing to do because you’re not with someone or they’re not around?

  Do you assume that everyone else is in relationships so you can’t hang with them?

  You have a life. Right now it’s a life that’s based on a romantic partner whether you have one or not. When you’re with someone, they’re the focal point of your life. When you’re not with someone, the fact that you’re not becomes the focal point of your life. NC is an opportunity to build your life in the way that you would prefer it all while being your authentic self. I’m not saying that you need to be roaming the streets looking for a partner or that there’s anything wrong with wanting a relationship but make sure you know the difference between wanting and needing due to a relationship being critical to your identity.

  If the routine you’ve had for five years, the places you go etc means that you’ve met a handful of people in that time, it means you need to change your routine and add flavour and variance, and even a bit of spontaneity. You’ve got to be in it to win it. You’re not going to meet somebody if you never leave your house. If you have a pretty rigid routine with very little deviations in your social life, you’re less likely to meet somebody and are pretty much relying on someone to land in your supermarket basket or on your desk or on the treadmill. Yes you can try to meet people online but you need to be personally secure to do so and be prepared to do due diligence because you have to wade through a lot of people that talk out of their bottom to get to the genuine folk and you also need to be less swayed by words and illusions in order to recognise a decent relationship prospect.