Lasts

by C. L. Matthews

  Moans.

  Thrusting.

  Euphoria.

  An entire night with her.

  I keep asking myself what broke me, what made me decide to take her to my home and fuck her until I couldn’t anymore, but nothing comes to mind.

  I’ve had a strategy in place, one Xo put into place back when Absinthe first became aware of her connection to Danté, but I never planned to become obsessed with Leia. Yeah, she got drunk and was vulnerable. That only further makes me a dick, but something in the way she looked so lost made me want to help her find her true self. I’ve known Leia for years. I’ve watched her grow and witnessed her pain, confusion, and need for guidance. Last night, she had needed guidance. I’m a weak man when it comes to mi alma, but only when it comes to her. She owns a side of me no one will ever see, a side she brings forth with her sky-blue eyes and unruly curls.

  Or maybe I’m just a dick and couldn’t resist but to finally have her.

  Yeah, that’s probably what everyone will think.

  That I don’t care.

  That I’m a worthless pervert.

  That I’m selfish and a piece of shit.

  Maybe I am. Maybe nothing in this world can clean the plate I’ve stacked on for others. It makes me a greedy man. It stripped me to my barest of forms, the one where I act now and think later, and with Leia, the later never comes.

  She brings me peace that I’ve only had with her. She makes me feel alive, makes me want to be a better man.

  To deserve her when I don’t.

  It’s a clusterfuck no matter how it’s viewed, but I’m grateful to have shared such a monumental moment with her. Now, it’s back to business. I can’t do this again.

  Rolling over to my side, I immediately notice how quiet it is.

  She’s gone.

  Again.

  Leia fucking left, and for the first time, I allow myself to feel the dread of that reality. It’s stupid of me to think she would stay after last night. We have something real, and it’s the first time I’ve felt whole. Usually, I let my emotions slide, picking up the pieces of my pitiful self while pretending not to give a fuck, but she broke through my walls, the walls that protect her from me.

  The plan. Stick to the plan. Don’t blow everything.

  But, fuck me. The fact that she couldn’t handle what we did, what I still want to do over and over until she begs me to stop wrecks me.

  She gave herself to me, opening up like a dahlia in bloom. Her cunt the bud, soft and new, ready to break free from the perfect touch. Her legs the petals, spreading for the seed, opening up for me. Her heart the roots, growing from my nurture and soft caresses.

  She's mine now. Mi corazoncito. My dahlia. Mine.

  Even knowing I’m not worthy of her, that desperation that claws at me when she’s on my mind makes me continue to be here. I can’t stay away. I can’t resist. She owns me. She clutches my mind in her dainty little hands, and she doesn’t even realize it.

  And I’ve ruined her, tainted my sweet corazón. I shouldn’t have fucked her, shouldn’t have marked her with her blood, tracing it on her thighs like scripture, but I did, and I only regret that it can’t last.

  I lay in my childhood bed. It smells of sin, sweat, and Leia's citrusy scent that drives me ravenous with hunger. As I grip the sheets, the fabric bends at my will, the silky material beneath my fingertips, begging me to be used again and again.

  Sitting up, I feel the sheet ruffle past my hips. The air is stagnant, bare of any traces of Leia. I notice the bed has long gone cold. She must’ve left a while ago.

  Last night, this morning really, was everything I fantasized and more.

  At first, the worry that I’d been too rough and callous plagued me. The second time, the third time, and even the fourth, she begged me for more. More pressure, more pain, more markings, and more kisses. More everything.

  And I gave her more, marking the fuck out of her. I smeared our shared release across her thighs, her breasts, her face, making her mine in every way. There’s an animal inside me that she toys with until he’s ravenous. She brings him out, calling on his savagery for her pleasure, and she enjoys it, begging me for more. It never occurred to me that only she has ever made me this depraved for a single touch.

  When she moans my name, I feed off it. There’s something so sensual about a person calling out your name, that it’s their only coherent thought—you, your name, and how you make them feel.

  Whenever she’s beneath me, she gives back as much as I offer. Last night, her teeth and nails dug into my skin.

  Making my way to the shower, I pass the mirror. The reflective silver shows my tousled hair and muscled body. I gawk at myself in bewilderment. Bruises paint across my torso, hips, and I notice they’re also near my already stiffening cock. Seeing them makes me harder, arousing me in the sickest way. She does this to me. She feeds the sickness inside.

  Leia left her imprint, proof that I belong to her, and that has my head fucked.

  Vicious. My girl is a savage. She has a hunger that battles mine in every way, one only I can feed, assuage, and tame.

  Leia. My corazón.

  There’s no other woman for me.

  She owns me, possesses me like the goddamn enchantress she is. The darkest parts, the ones I hide from the world, the most depraved and starved pieces of my soul, she has full reign over them. And she uses that fucking power every time we’re in the same room.

  My hair is in every direction from her pulling on it. I love the way you can tell she didn’t hold back with my body, that she took what she wanted from me. It’s exactly what I wanted, what I’d hoped for.

  She must’ve run off. I wish she hadn’t. I would’ve been a better man this morning, would’ve cherished her the right way. Make her stay with me when she shouldn’t.

  This can’t keep happening.

  How did she get back? Cab? Hopefully. I hope she made it back to Zaely and Silv’s okay.

  I’ve only now realized Xo didn’t make it back here. She better not have fucked Danté. Everything will go badly if she does. She knows better. Not that I can say shit. We had a deal, and I, too, fucked up. There’s no understanding us, our relationship, our friendship, or our plan, no matter how hard I try.

  After showering, brushing my teeth, and preparing for the long road ahead, I head downstairs to hear my sister bitch about me bringing a girl home.

  I never intended to come to P.R., but Xo insisted. She isn’t ever there for Leia, and I think this was her way of fulfilling some type of motherly role.

  Not that I fault her in that. She’s getting her life together and franchising our company. She’s finally getting out from beneath Danté’s control, protecting herself and Leia from the Vipers. It’s a good thing.

  But coming back here, him being at the party last night… something must’ve tipped him off or someone at the very least.

  When Azalea called, telling Xo about the celebration, I couldn’t resist. It hurt that she didn’t call me personally. It’s been five years since the last time we saw or spoke to one another. Silva too. And that hurts so much. I miss them.

  The temptation was too much for me to contain, which led me to take the next flight out with Xo. We booked our tickets, arriving the night before. She didn’t stay with me, and instead, ran away from here—from me.

  When I arrived home, seeing my sister had me nearly on my knees in emotion. I hugged her for so long, gripped her as if D would take her away from me again. She cried, I cried, and we laughed. As I make it downstairs, I see my little sister whipping up some food.

  “Hola, Tree Boy,” Dina teases, knowing how much I hate that endearment, but in her eyes, I see the questions. Did she see Leia? Does she think I’m sick?

  “She left about four hours ago. You’ve been sleeping the day away,” she muses as I round the island.

  “I didn’t sleep that much,” I say softly. No matter how much my sister drives me up the wall, I can never be harsh to her. She’s
too fragile. Even though I want to tell her to forget she saw her, I can’t.

  “You going to tell me about that girl? She looks a lot like D.” She eyes me, suspicion and worry visible in her stance. As she cooks the bacon, her gaze doesn’t waver from me, but mine does.

  “That’s because it’s his daughter,” I admit on a groan, my face heating from the admission. This is the first time I’ve ever been open about Leia and me in any form. It’s refreshing and terrifying wrapped in a strait jacket. I’m ready to be shipped off to a clinic.

  “Should I even ask what you’re doing with a teenager?” She doesn’t accuse me like normal people would. She just asks politely, curiosity in her eyes.

  “I feel for her—I can’t explain it. She just … she makes me feel whole,” I stumble over an answer for the girl who’s changed my life since the moment I met her.

  “Do you love her?” Her eyes widen a smidgen with her question, like she’s worried of what the answer is.

  I only loved them, and then I lost them. Can I really truly love anyone after the twins? Love isn’t in the cards for a man such as me.

  “What is love, Dina?” I ask instead of answering.

  Love is such a simplistic word for what all it entails. It doesn’t explain the feelings involved, the effect it has on one’s being, or the weight of everything when one bad thing occurs. It’s too mundane of a word for such an extraordinary experience.

  She peers at me, her left eyebrow hiking up, like in an are you stupid kind of way.

  “If you have to ask, you obviously don’t love this girl, and when she’s at this age, you really should let her go if you don’t love her. You should allow her to grow and love someone and be loved, Silas. She deserves that much.”

  Her answer, if it were about any other person than Leia, I’d agree. I’d allow it to happen. I’d even push her in that direction. But this is Leia, and I’m not ready to give her up, let alone allow what we have slip through my fingers.

  “I don’t want her to love someone else,” I growl, my jealousy getting the most of me.

  She chuckles in response and goes back to cooking. “Yeaaaahhhh,” she exaggerates, “not in love with her at all.” She scoffs at me, like I’m lying to myself. Maybe I am, but love is such a trivial word.

  “I’m going to be out back,” I groan, grabbing a corona and a lime wedge from the fridge. Turning away, I head to the hammocks outside. After squeezing the lime to death, I stuff it in the barrel and sip my beer.

  When I finish, I take a moment to check my phone. I’ve got messages.

  We need to meet, Silas. It’s important. From Zaely.

  I fucked up, Sy. Fuck! I don’t know why you left the party, but Danté got to me. Xiomara.

  Instead of responding like I should, I text Leia instead.

  Why’d you run?

  I’m coming for you.

  Don’t be scared, my corazoncito. We’re made for each other. You’re mine.

  I’ll be over later today. Have some stuff to deal with. I hope you made it back okay.

  I can’t help but add that last part. Regardless of what she believes, I do care.

  Finally, I text back Zaely and Xiomara.

  I’ll be at Chino’s in thirty. See you there, I message Zaely, needing to see her, hoping she brings Silv with her.

  And to Xo, I send, We’ll talk when we get back home. Don’t stay over there too long. You know what happens when he sweet talks you. Be stronger. Be better than that. Stat safe. Te amo.

  For an entire hour, I met with the twins at Chino’s, and my heart felt complete. A lot went down that I can’t fathom right now. The true reason we were taken apart changes everything.

  I can’t tell her.

  I can’t tell her.

  I won’t tell her.

  Yet.

  No one is capable of planning for the future to the very last detail, but you do prepare for what you can, and either deal with it or be a bitch about it. That’s what I’ve been doing since day one, sucking it up.

  “Hey, Kol!” Brady Rush yells, running toward me after one of the longest practices of my short life, his cleats make the loudest clicking noise on the linoleum, clack, clack, clack, but he doesn’t seem to care. I’ve already taken mine off, along with the rest of my gear, in the locker room. He was last off the field for smarting off to Coach Karr, so he’s still dressed, drenched in sweat, grass stains, and grime.

  Usually when we would say something stupid, we would get an extra mile on the track or one hundred extra jumping jacks, but Coach has it out for Brady. He has since freshman year. Before we were all dismissed, he made sure to let us know Brady was required to do fifty up-downs. Those are the fucking worst. Not only is it a full body workout, but it’s also grueling if you smack your chest or chin while doing the “down” part.

  “What’s up?” I call back, turning slightly before waiting for him to catch up.

  “You going to the Sophomore Sadie Hawkins?” he asks, stopping a mere two feet away from me. He’s arched over, his hands are on his knees, and he’s breathing heavily. His chest rises and falls rapidly, and I laugh at him. “Shut up,” he gripes. Brady’s face is scrunched in displeasure, causing me to laugh some more.

  “You ran all the way to me just to ask that, pretty boy?” I joke, knowing he hates what all the seniors call him off the field.

  Brady lifts his eyes to me. A serious, yet, annoyed expression settles between his eyebrows. He tilts his lips a little too, like he’s amused at the same time.

  “Nah. I asked you a question, Kol. It’s not that hard.” Brady slowly rises, placing his hands on his hips while slowing his breathing down immensely.

  I stand here shocked as shit, because he either just asked me because we’re friends, though we aren’t that close, or because he digs dudes, and the rumor about me being into dudes has come to his attention.

  “No, probably not. I’ll most likely sit at home and watch Lucifer or some other lame show Leia wants to watch,” I answer finally. Not knowing how to respond, I stick my hands in my jean’s pockets, feeling put on the spot.

  I’ve been approached by several guys. They all want me to explore my identity with them. I’m not gay, though, and that’s the killer. If I tell them I’m not gay, and it somehow gets back to Leia, I’m screwed. She’d be pissed. That’s why we’re so close—because she thinks I’d never be with her.

  She’s not exactly fond of men, straight ones anyway.

  “That’s lame. You should come… with… me,” he says, leaving it hanging. His shoulders are a little slumped.

  I’m honestly shocked. My face burns, it feels hot as balls, and he’s giving me a smirk I’d give to a girl I like. What the fuck am I supposed to do?

  “Brady, man,” I start, shuffling my feet.

  Gripping the strap of my bag like a lifeline, I finally brave a look in his eyes. He seems terrified of my answer. What kind of dick would I be to put him down? I didn’t know he was gay, or curious, or what-the-fuck-ever.

  “Sure, man… yeah… I’ll go with you,” I give in awkwardly. He’ll probably see it as shy and not that I’m feeling pressured. He lifts his head with a smile so big and then claps me on the shoulder. “But, no weird girly shit. I’m not doing no mani-pedis. I already do that with Leia.”

  Brady chuckles, throwing his head back entirely, his throat bobbing. I smack his chest playfully when I’m cut short. My eyes level with hers. Shit. She’s barely behind Brady, and I can’t help but stare.

  Leia’s definitely going to think the worst. Best case for her, worst for me.

  She stands in the doorway, waiting for me like every day. Her normally fierce curls are straightened, her hair frames her angelic face, making her appear even more innocent than she is, and her dance gear makes my mouth dry. She’s wearing short spankies that barely cover her ass, a bra that leaves nothing to the imagination, and when my eyes reach her navel, I see her glittering belly ring. Fuck me.

  My dick starts thickeni
ng in my clothes, and I pray to whatever god is out there to make it stop. To think of puppies, smelly socks, or something else non-sexual. Goddamn, she messes me up good. It can be as simple as her smile or as little as her body in a bathing suit. She possesses me, every single part of me.

  Only now realizing I’m supposed to be breathing, I let out a shaky exhale. Her soft blue eyes watch me with wonder. They analyze me with mischief, and I hate it. She’s only looking at me that way because of Brady. She’s always asking when I’m finally going to get a boyfriend and stop hanging out with her all the time. It fucking stings, and she doesn’t even realize why.

  Her cheeks suck in, and a beautiful coral red touches her flushed cheeks when I wink at her.

  It’s my favorite part of this friendzone bullshit.

  Sometimes, when her eyes sparkle back at me, I believe she lives in that zone out of fear and will one day realize I’m that guy. Her guy.

  “Hey, boys,” she says coolly, giving me the is he your new beau eyes.

  No, he most certainly is not, I want to say, but instead, I shake my head softly and feel my face getting hotter.

  “Hey, Leia.” Brady gives her one of his wide grins. “Going to Sadie’s?”

  And my stomach drops.

  Why’s he asking her? And why does it make me ten shades of jealous that she gives him her little smirk, the one she only gives guys she thinks she’s attracted to?

  “No one’s asked me.” She sighs, eyeing me again. With her expression, she tells a story. It’s like a cacophony of screams that are only to be seen rather than heard, and she’s screaming, what is going on?

  “Well, Aster Blakely wants to go with you but was too scared to ask.”

  “Really? Aster, the new foreign exchange student?” she questions, her face lighting up with joy.

  Aster is our front lineman. He’s from Turkey and is built like a bus. He’s a brick, and he defends me well.

  Leia does this little happy dance, while I’m in my head imagining all the things Aster isn’t scared to do with her. All the things I want, all the things I crave but am too scared to ruin our friendship over.

  “I-I…” she stumbles over her answer and then glances at me for advice.