The Way Back

by Melissa Toppen

  I’m not sure why I went through all the trouble, considering my date for the night is my oldest brother. But on the off chance that I would somehow miraculously get up close with the band, I wanted to make sure I didn't look like I just rolled out of bed.

  People continue to file into the venue, and by the time the first opening act comes on, the entire place is packed from front to back. There is no doubt that this show sold out and honestly, I can't help but wonder if they oversold. I feel like there are people touching me on all sides which freaks me out a little.

  Pushing my back into the wall, I press up on my tiptoes to get a good view of the first band. They are a bunch of young guys all dressed very similarly in plain black t-shirts. Their first song is fast and catchy and by the end of their set, I find myself rather enjoying them. The lead singer jumps around the stage like a lunatic. It's a wonder that he manages to avoid colliding with his other band members. But they’re all very energetic and their excitement and sheer love for their music is so evident that I find their enthusiasm contagious.

  The second band is not quite as amped up. Fronted by a girl with bright red pig tails and more makeup than a person should ever wear, their sound is almost electric and her voice is so crisp that I can't help but be drawn into their performance.

  But even though I’m enjoying the show, it doesn't stop me from worrying about where Alec is. He was supposed to meet me here at seven, and according to the massive neon clock behind the bar, it's almost nine.

  Glancing around, I can't see anything through the dark lights and the sea of people surrounding me. Even if Alec does show, the likelihood is he will never find me.

  A buzz starts to work its way through the crowd and it doesn't take a genius to figure out that Raining Strange is getting ready to take the stage. Red lights start flashing behind the dark curtain covering the stage. In a matter of seconds, the curtain is ripped away and the lead singer's voice fills the air.

  The crowd goes crazy as the band begins to play their opening number. Seeing them in person, just feet from me, makes everything around me seem like a dream. The people, the lights, the music, it seems so surreal. And yet, I'm here. I'm living out a dream of mine and I can't even begin to describe the feeling that this moment gives me.

  I reach up and twirl the compass necklace between my fingers. Kyle would have loved this. Maybe not so much the music, but the atmosphere. I like to think he’s watching over me now, sharing in my excitement.

  Just as the music really starts to pull me in and all my attention is focused on the stage, I feel someone slip in behind me. My stomach forms a hard knot when I realize it’s Zayne. It has to be. I don't even have to look to know he's here. I can tell by the way the tiny hairs on the back of my neck rise up. By the way my entire body suddenly feels on high alert. And by the intoxicating scent now invading my nostrils.

  My mind races with reasons why he would be here but then I settle on the most likely of those. Alec must have sent him. Why, I'm not sure and I don't know if I should be pissed off or thankful. On one hand, I know I should avoid being anywhere even remotely close to Zayne. On the other, I can't deny the surge I feel having him so near.

  I glance back to see him casually leaning on the wall directly behind me, his eyes on the stage. I literally lose my breath at the sight of him. His black t-shirt clings to his impossibly toned body, as his dark hair hangs across his forehead in a way that makes it unbearable not to reach out and brush the strands away.

  Not really sure what else to do, I turn back around and focus on the show. Singing along with every word and jumping around like a fool, by the end of the fourth song, I’m not only a sweaty mess, but I am also acutely aware of the man still standing behind me. His very presence has kept me on edge and my body hyper aware of his every movement.

  As each song plays, the less I care about where we stand in our relationship and the more I want to turn around and take his mouth with mine. When I close my eyes and really focus, I can still feel the way his tongue moves against mine. The way his fingers feel trailing through my hair. The way his breath hitches when I glide my tongue along his lower lip.

  I don't know if it's the venue, the music, the crowd, or the knowledge that he's here, so close that I can touch him, that has me thinking this way. But once the thought crosses my mind, I can't shake it.

  The very thin thread holding my will in place slips when the singer pulls out his acoustic guitar and takes a seat on the edge of the stage. The minute the words to “Not Broken Anymore” by Blue October start pouring from his mouth, I have no control. It's not unheard of for bands to cover other bands’ songs, but this song hits close to home.

  It describes exactly how Zayne makes me feel. How one person can change everything. How you view the world, how you view life, and most importantly, how you view yourself. When I feel his arms slip around my waist and pull my back into his chest, I don't fight it.

  My body is putty in his arms and nothing or no one will ever be able to change the way this man makes me feel. I relax into his embrace and close my eyes, letting my senses overtake me. The feeling of his arms around me, the sound of the singer's voice floating through my ears, the smell of Zayne's cologne invading my nose.

  Everything feels right. The past doesn't matter. The mistakes, the regret, the pain, the fear. In this moment, for the first time in a very long time, none of it holds any meaning over the way I feel right now.

  As the music continues to surround us, bouncing off of every wall, the urge to look at Zayne becomes too much to bear. Turning in his arms, I’m completely unprepared for the feelings that flood through me the moment his blue eyes settle on mine.

  He reaches out and cups my cheek in his hand, his thumb working small gentle strokes across my face before gliding down and trailing slowly across my lower lip. I take a sharp inhale, seeing the desire burn in his eyes as he stares down at me.

  But when he mouths the words “not broken anymore” along with the music, my heart instantly melts in my chest. Maybe it's wishful thinking, but I feel like right here and now, he's telling me exactly what I want to tell him. He is the one person that has the power to piece me back together. Could I be that for him as well?

  Leaning down, he gently whispers in my ear, “God, I've missed you.” The feeling of his hot breath on my neck, along with his words, causes an involuntary shiver to run through my body.

  I can't find it in me to speak. Words don't really seem to hold much meaning in a moment like this.

  Gently wrapping my hand around the back of his neck, I pull his face down to mine before pressing my lips to his. He starts out tentatively, working small, gentle kisses across my mouth, his hands cupping my face.

  My heart beats rapidly in my chest and I struggle to control the butterflies swarming in my stomach. Every inch of my skin feels like it’s on fire as I plunge my fingers into his hair and knot them in his dark locks.

  When my lips part on a moan, he loses some of his control and eagerly searches for my tongue with his. I happily comply, and within seconds we are locked in a passionate kiss, in the middle of a venue packed with hundreds of people, while one of my favorite bands plays in the background.

  The moment is everything I want and yet everything I wanted to avoid. The heat, the passion, coursing through me is enough to cloud my vision and blind me from everything but what is right in front of me...

  Zayne.

  I love him and right now, there is only one thing I can do... Embrace it.

  “WHAT ARE YOU DOING here?” I ask the minute the lights flip back on and the crowd starts to disperse at the end of the show.

  “Alec had some business to deal with and couldn't make it. He didn't want you out here all alone, so he called me to see if I could take his place.” He drops a hand to the small of my back as he leads me through the sea of people making their way toward the exit.

  “And he couldn't have called and told me that himself?” I raise my voice over the noise level of
the crowd.

  “I asked him if he had given you a heads up, but he said he only had time to call me. He wanted me to make sure that I told you how very sorry he is.” He doesn’t meet my eyes when I glance at his face.

  Turning my attention forward again, I focus on not stepping on feet or running into anyone on our way out the door. As soon as we exit onto the busy sidewalk, Zayne grabs my arm and leads me to the edge of the building before stopping and turning toward me.

  “It's kind of my fault actually. I can't really handle any of the business related to our China contract, which you already know why.” He scuffs the front of his shoe into the ground. “Since it's such a huge undertaking, Alec has spent hours working to make sure everything happens as smoothly as possible. Apparently, they hit a bit of a hiccup this afternoon and Alec had been stuck in a meeting for three hours when he called me.” He shoves his hands into the front pockets of his jeans, pressing his back against the brick wall behind him.

  “So, what you're telling me is that instead of being able to enjoy a concert on a Friday night with his sister, my brother is stuck in the office because you couldn't keep it in your pants?”

  I try to fight a smile, because let’s be honest, there isn’t a thing funny about it. But when a slow playful one creeps across his face, I can't hold mine back.

  “Yeah, pretty fucked up when you think about it.” He shakes his head.

  “You officially suck as a best friend and as a business partner.” I cross my arms in front of my chest.

  I don't know when I found the humor in this whole situation, but honestly, it feels better to joke about it than to be upset over it. What's done is done and I’m really trying to live in the present right now.

  “I think I officially suck in a lot of ways. The most important of all, being how huge of an idiot I have been when it comes to you.”

  “I'm listening.” I give him a smile in hopes that a playful demeanor will keep the mood light. I'm not sure I can handle deep and serious right now. Not when it's already damn near impossible to stand here and not pronounce my undying love for him.

  God, what is wrong with me? One minute I want nothing to do with him, the next I’m mapping out the rest of our lives. Imagining what our children will look like and where we’ll live. I shake my head trying to reel myself back in.

  “I messed up, Grace. I never should have messed with Ashley. I know that. As much as I wish I could take it back, I can't. But more than that, I'm sorry I ever let you walk away.” He reaches out, trailing the back of his hand down my cheek.

  I try to search for something to say but words fail me.

  I can't think of one damn thing.

  All I can think about is how beautiful his blue eyes are, and how my insides turn to mush when his mouth pulls up in a hesitant lopsided smile, and how my heart feels like it's going to beat out of my chest at his next words.

  “I know I don't deserve it, Grace, but I was really hoping maybe we could start over. You know, the right way.” He shifts his weight from leg to leg. “I was hoping that you would agree to go on a date with me.”

  “What?” I blurt, completely taken aback by his request. I don't know what I was expecting but having him ask me on a date was definitely not it.

  “A date. You know, like dinner or something.”

  “I know what a date is,” I say, still mildly in shock. “I'm just surprised that you're asking me on one.”

  “Why is that so surprising? Isn't that what one does when they are interested in a person?”

  “Yeah, I guess so. But... Well... Isn't it strange that after everything we've been through up to this point that you are just now asking me on a date?”

  “Yes, I suppose it is.” He straightens his posture before reaching out to take my hands in his. “There are a lot of things I regret where you are concerned. The biggest one being that instead of treating you like you deserve to be treated, I made you feel like you were another notch to me. You are not just another girl, Grace. You are so much more than that. I want a chance to show you. I want a chance to wine and dine you, to hold your hand and walk you home, to make you feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. Because that's what you are to me.” He tucks his hand under my chin, lifting my face up to meet his. “Give me a chance to do things right. Will you go on a date with me?”

  The smile that lights up his entire face when I nod my head yes is breathtaking.

  “But,” I protest, suddenly remembering one very important issue. “What about Alec? Aren't you afraid of him catching us together?”

  “I'm sure that I can figure out somewhere to take you where running into Alec won't be an issue. We are in New York, after all.”

  “That doesn't mean anything. I have run into you twice without expecting to and I've only been in New York a few weeks.”

  “Twice?” he questions, his tone falling serious.

  “A few days ago I saw you across the street from Robyn's Cafe on the corner of Fifth.” My cheeks heat slightly.

  As if realizing the exact moment I must have spotted him, his voice comes out even more hesitant.

  “I'm sorry, Grace...” he starts, but I hold my hand up, my fingers landing on his lips, silencing him.

  “Please don't. You don't need to explain. I just need to know that by me agreeing to go on a date with you, that all other interactions with women remain purely platonic, at least until we figure out what the hell is going on with us.” I take a deep breath before continuing. “I don't know everything about your life, but from what I’ve gathered, you've been through a lot. We both have. It's hard enough for me to even be here with you, like this,” I say, gesturing between us. “I can't deal with my own issues and sort my feelings out when I’m constantly competing with other women.” I’m relieved to have gotten that out without sounding completely idiotic.

  “You don't have to explain, Grace. I told you, I want to do this right this time. I don't want anyone else. I just want you.” The last part comes out as a whisper against my lips as he slowly lowers his face to mine.

  Placing a feather light kiss across my mouth, he murmurs against my lips, “So, yes to the date then?”

  “Yes.” I pull back so that I can look at him.

  “How does tomorrow work for you?” he asks, entwining his fingers with mine before pulling me out onto the sidewalk.

  “Kind of short notice, don't you think?” I allow him to lead me toward the venue's parking garage. He fakes offense and I can't help but laugh at his playfulness. “Fine,” I finally agree.

  His shoulders vibrate with laughter as he tightens his grip on my hand. As much as I want to pretend that such an innocent act doesn't stir a desire deep inside of me, the truth is, it leaves me with an aching burn that I know only one thing will soothe.

  Within minutes we reach my car, and while I’m relieved that we seem to be on the same page about taking things slow and doing things right this time, I can't help but feel extremely disappointed.

  Even though I know it's not what we need, a large part of me hoped that he would throw me over his shoulder and give me no choice but to go home with him where we would then proceed to spend the whole night in his bed 'reconnecting'.

  “So tomorrow. Pick you up at seven?” he asks, opening the driver’s side door for me.

  “Seven sounds good,” I agree, feeling overly distracted by the heat that surges through my body when he leans in close, caging me between him and the open car door. “Do you need me to meet you somewhere?”

  “Not necessary. Just be outside at seven.” He leans down until our noses are practically touching.

  “Okay,” I breathe, unable to control the quiver in my voice.

  He smiles a knowing smile, then gently trails his lips along mine. The kiss is brief and before I have a chance to react, he pulls back and nudges me into the car.

  He's trying to show me that I’m not just another notch on his bedpost, I remind myself, but it doesn't quite dull the sting completely
.

  “I'll see you tomorrow, Grace.” He leans inside my door, placing a gentle kiss to my forehead.

  “See you tomorrow.”

  Taking a step back, he closes my door and then gives me another smile before turning and walking away, no doubt towards his own vehicle.

  I can't help but watch him take step after step until he disappears from my rearview mirror. Taking a deep breath, I turn the key in my ignition, jumping when my cell phone starts vibrating in my back pocket.

  Leaning forward and retrieving it, I click to answer, seeing Alec's name flash across the screen.

  “Hey, baby girl,” he says when I say hello. “How was the show? Did Zayne find you? I'm so sorry that I had to send him. I know you don't know him that well but I needed to know someone was there to keep an eye out for you. Did he explain everything?”

  “The show was amazing. Yes, Zayne found me and yes he explained everything. And it's okay. I know how extremely busy you are.” I prop the phone against my shoulder, shifting my car into reverse. “But for the record, next time something like this happens, you don't need to send someone in your place. A quick phone call that you aren't going to make it would be more appreciated.” I can't pass up the opportunity to give him a hard time. Even if sending Zayne was the best decision he could have made, I would never tell him that.

  “I'll make it up to you. I promise,” he says, clearly feeling very guilty, which in turn makes me feel guilty.

  “Alec, it's okay, really. I can't thank you enough for getting me the tickets in the first place. Tonight was... Well, it was amazing.”

  “That's great, Gracie. I'm glad you had fun. Where are you now?” he asks, probably wanting to see if Zayne is still with me.

  “Heading toward my apartment now.” I pull out into the street filled with traffic, no doubt caused from everyone leaving the venue at once.

  “Okay. Well, I'll let you go so you can concentrate on the road.”

  “I'll be careful. I promise.”

  “I'll call you for lunch next week. Love you, Grace.”