Love is Darkness

by Caroline Hanson

Chapter 4

  San Loaran, California

  4 years ago

  It was the longest day of Valerie's life. Today was the day that the University of California admission letters arrived. If she went home and had an empty mailbox she'd shoot herself. Well, maybe not, but she would definitely be depressed for an eternity! She'd gone to school and spent every moment watching the clock and waiting for the day to end.

  Berkeley. She wanted to go to Cal. If she didn't get in she would be happy at UCLA, or UCSD. Failing that, she wanted to go to UC Away. Anywhere that was away.

  She sped the whole way home.

  With a deep breath, she opened the mailbox, peering into the metal depths. Junk mail is a curse!

  There they were. Four letters. She was beyond happy, like being kissed for the first time.

  She went into the house and threw her bag on the floor. Several undignified moments passed as she jumped up and down and even squealed like a small pig. Thank God she was alone! She started to laugh, embarrassed at herself but gloriously happy as well. She was getting out of this town! Away from her father and away from Jack!

  She started crying, overcome with joy and a little bit of grief. She would miss Jack, she loved him too much not to, but God she wanted to be free. And now she’d be someone new, someone normal.

  There was movement in the corner of the room and she saw Jack coming towards her. Why was he here? He'd been in Latin America for the last three months.

  He looked amazing. His hair had grown out and the back of it was brushing the collar of his blue T- shirt. He wore a pair of dark jeans and Adidas shoes. The shirt fit him well, bulging in all the appropriate places, flat where it should be.

  He could be an underwear model, she thought. An image came to her of Jack in underwear and she blinked, looking away.

  He was smiling at her.

  Someone alert the media.

  “Good news? Did you get in?”

  Her eyes filled with tears and she nodded at him with a stupid grin on her face.

  “Cal, right?”

  She gave another watery nod, “Yes! Can you believe it?”

  Oh screw it! She laughed and hugged him. Val wrapped her arms around his neck, her chest was flush with his. She squeezed him hard and he squeezed back, pulling her body in even closer, until she began to feel dizzy.

  He was tall and strong, stronger than he had been when he'd left. His face was more chiseled, his cheeks leaner, his skin tanned from the sun. But he looked tired too, dark circles under his eyes that spoke of sleepless nights and stress. It made him look older, although he'd never really been young.

  It was the awareness of him— his smell, shampoo and nice cologne, all the things that were Jack were cloaking her. And it was heaven.

  “I don't think we have ever hugged.” She said with a laugh. Was that true? How could they have lived together for years and never hugged?

  “You're right.” He said evenly.

  She looked at his features up close and realized the changes continued. His lips were extraordinary. He was smiling slightly and that was different too. She imagined his lips twisted bitterly, cruelly or angrily, but not happily. Things had been so bad by the time he'd gone away that she'd forgotten he could be like this. Be sweet.

  Her gaze returned to his eyes. They were slate gray and reminded her of stormy oceans, with his own dark ghosts trapped within their deep depths. Save the poetry, Val.

  She pulled away from him and he released her quickly. Val didn't want to think about him like this. He wasn't her Jack. She was leaving for college. She would leave him behind and stop thinking of him, dammit.

  Even though he'd let her go, she could still feel his hard chest and the strength of his arms. “So, welcome home. How was Latin America. Go to any country in particular?”

  He sighed and she thought he was sifting through information trying to decide what to tell her. He wouldn't tell her everything and why should he? She'd made it clear she didn't want to be sucked into his orbit for the rest of her life, waiting for him to die.

  “It was good. I got you a souvenir.”

  Okay, he wasn't going to tell her anything at all. Things became awkward, the levity of the moment gone, all the unresolved issues they had crowding in close between them. “If it's vampire dust I don't want it.”

  He smiled slightly but it didn't reach his eyes.

  “Geez, did you actually bring me vampire dust?” She laughed nervously.

  “No. I'm just trying to keep you in suspense. You can have it at dinner.”

  There was an awkward pause large enough to drive a Suburban through.

  “Well, see you at dinner.” She smiled again and ran up the stairs. This was too much. She needed to get away before she begged him to never leave, ravished him on the floor, or something equally stupid.

  Val forced herself to stop thinking about Jack. It was a skill. Besides, she had to call everyone. Everyone! She was going to college and she would never look back.

  The day passed quickly and finally she couldn't hide from Jack and her father any longer. She went downstairs and saw her father in the kitchen. He was tearing lettuce for the salad and lasagna was in the oven.

  Jack was a great cook, especially Italian food. He could cook Italian and swear Italian— and both were worth watching. It was the only time he was incredibly expressive. He used hand gestures and everything. He'd learned to cook from his mother, and in Val's more tender moments she thought he cooked so that he could remember her and what his life had been before the blood, death and vampires.

  She took the salad bowl and set it on the table. The parmesan was still in the fridge, and she found the expensive block of cheese, as well as the expensive cheese grater that was all Jack's Italian roots would accept.

  Jack took the lasagna out of the oven, a puff of hot air brushing by her.

  They sat down at the old wooden table in the kitchen.

  “So Val, you got in. Congratulations.” Her father said, his smile an afterthought.

  Oh no. Was he going to keep her from going? A vision of her father telling her she could either help them or be on her own, rocketed through her mind. What would she do if he made her choose?

  She’d say goodbye.

  When Jack had left four months ago, her father had stayed with her. She knew that Jack had hoped they’d bond but boy had he been wrong. They'd been strangers in the same house, using the same rooms and space, eating together, but never saying anything worth saying. There was a reason she always called him ‘father’ or ‘Nate’. He didn’t deserve a ‘dad’. He didn’t do ‘dad’ things with her, he tried to kill her. So he could be Nate for all she cared.

  She was going to have to be on the offensive. “Yes. It's exciting. It will also give you more time with Jack. You guys will have each other, be able to protect each other and not have to worry about me.” Yeah, that sounded natural.

  Her father cocked his head to the side. “Why wouldn't we worry? Do you know how many vampires live in the Bay area? Lucas was there last month.”

  Self- preservation told her to be cautious. “I've done everything to learn to protect myself. I'm going to college. The only question is whether or not I have your blessing.” That was the speech she'd worked on all day. She was pleased with herself for getting it all out, but it seemed a shame it had only been three sentences long.

  His fingers drummed on the table. He stopped the nervous habit and took a bite of lasagna, chewing thoughtfully, undoubtedly trying to figure out his next attack to keep her here.

  “No. I will hate you if you keep me here. I won't stay.”

  He nodded. “Okay. Jack will go with you.”

  Val looked at them both venomously. “No! He won't! I won't have a jailer anymore. You need him more than I do. Who will keep you safe? Things are worse, there are more attacks than ever. You need help. And I'm sorry, but you are not getting any younger. If something happens to you because he's with me....” Her voice trailed off and sh
e felt her throat closing up with tears.

  She looked at the picture of her mother on the wall. How she watched over all their meals with a benign smile. Her father got up and she hoped he was coming to hug her.

  He walked past her and went upstairs, closing the door behind him. She wanted to cry. Throw something. Leave tonight and never look back.

  Her gaze flew to Jack and she knew that he would hug her if she wanted. Of course he would. He was perfect and a mean part of her hated him for that. As though he could read her mind, he got up, leaving his food half-eaten at the table. She heard him going up the stairs, his long stride eating the distance quickly. He knocked and entered the study, closing the door quietly behind him.

  Her father and Jack didn't need her. They kept her but it was a duty. No more. She couldn't be that anymore. Be a disappointment, a burden, an afterthought.