by I J Shur
Over time, Udi had learned how much love Assaf possessed for his fellow man and how much wisdom he had accumulated throughout his life. Assaf never made things easy on Udi and always demanded that he see things through. More than once when Udi had asked to leave a subject alone, Assaf had insisted that he elaborate and delve into the topic until he had achieved some kind of insight.
Assaf was reluctant to offer solutions. Udi understood that he could argue with his therapist’s insights, but at the same time, he was not always able to formulate his own. He loved that Assaf never tried to please him, and although he was obviously and clearly empathetic, he never hesitated to say exactly what was on his mind, even when he knew his words would make Udi flinch.
Once, after one of those difficult conversations during which Udi had reached an insight that caused him to choke up, Assaf said to him, “You are the most diligent patient I have. Your appetite for understanding, and your desire to unravel your thoughts, makes our sessions challenging and fascinating. I’m proud to be your therapist.”
Chapter 36
Assaf’s clinic, which was located close to the downtown area, was more simple and basic than the one at his house. “I’m glad you came,” he said. “Let’s have a seat. I know that it’s not as comfortable here, but after all, we came here to talk, not for the ambience.”
Udi sat down and took a deep breath. He focused on the ceiling fan, its blades dusty and spinning monotonously. Bright sunlight entered the room through a wooden window with faded glass. Udi stared out the window, gazing in the direction of a tall apartment building with rows of solar panels arranged in slanted fashion on its roof.
“Look at me, please,” said Assaf.
Udi smiled shyly and pulled his gaze from the window.
“What’s going on?” The question was thrown out into the space of the room.
Udi didn’t know where to begin. It all flooded him at once. He wanted to say something but had a choking feeling in his throat. He didn’t want to cry, and an involuntary smile was causing his lips to tremble. He worried that if he opened his mouth, he’d break out in tears, so he lowered his gaze. He sat there for a long moment, glad that Assaf didn’t ask a single question.
What will I say to him? That I’m at a loss with Rona? That I’m out of ideas? After all, I got myself into this situation.
“Do you love her?” asked Assaf.
“Very much.” Udi sniffed.
“And she loves you?”
“Yes,” replied Udi. I wonder what the catch is?
“So why the long face? Men and women sit here and cry their eyes out because nobody ever loved them. So where is the problem?”
Udi’s stomach churned. You can have your other patients and just leave me alone. “You think that I’d just come here to tell you that we’re in love?”
“So why’d you come?” Assaf pressed him.
Udi took a deep breath. “Rona has become the center of my life. I wake up thinking of her in the morning, and I wait for her to call. My heart has been kidnapped, and I don’t have the strength to deal with anything.”
“Stop,” said Assaf. “Why do you need strength? What are you fighting?”
“I feel like I’m in an impossible place. I won’t tear apart my family. I feel like I’m being carried away by a current and I’m not in control of the situation.”
“What will control give you? Why don’t you allow yourself to be carried by the current and let yourself be amazed by the places that it can take you?”
Udi lifted his gaze to the ceiling in time to see a large spider stretch its gangly legs between two thin strands of web.
“Why is control so important to you?” The question was again thrown out.
Udi twisted his fingers anxiously. “I’m thinking that even between Rona and I, one of us would love for the other one to take control of the situation, or at least figure out which way it’s going.”
“And where would you like it to go?” Assaf intensified the pressure.
“It’s easier for me to say where I wouldn’t like it to go than where I would. Rona’s husband found out what was going on, and he’s sending threatening messages to me and to her.”
Assaf rested his chin on his fist.
“And this turns the already complex relationship into an impossible one.” Udi shook his head.
“Wonder of wonders!” Assaf smiled. “What did you think? That he’d send you flowers? How would you react if you discovered that your wife was involved in this way with another man?”
Assaf poured Udi a glass of cold water. “The facts are clear. Now is the time for insights and for decisions. With all due respect to Rona’s husband, do you feel that with the exposure of your affair, you are willing to give up on her?”
With eyes that were glazed over, Udi looked at Assaf’s shimmering scalp. For a long moment, he tried to imagine himself walking out of the session and into a world in which Rona did not exist.
“I can’t give her up.” He focused his gaze, looking into Assaf’s blue eyes.
“Good,” said Assaf. “Now let’s see how you can function in this situation. The betrayed husband does not seem to be showing any signs that he wants to give up his wife, and he’s making all sorts of threats. Do you have any ideas?”
“No. And you?” Udi tried to gain some time.
“What is the conclusion that you would like to reach from this session?”
Udi stretched in his seat and smoothed his pants, which had long since lost any signs that they had been ironed. “We’ll cool things down a little, but we won’t end the relationship. We’ll be vigilant and we’ll be careful about the injured husband, but we won’t totally break it off. The idea that Rona is waiting for me will help.”
“That’s only a short-term plan,” Assaf concluded. “I’m guessing that you’d rather not make any difficult decisions at this stage seeing as you’re afraid you won’t be able to live up to them. Since we’re talking about another human being, I can understand where your decision is coming from. I’m asking you to examine yourself in the coming days and try and figure out what causes you to be happy, what causes you to be sad, what scares you, what paralyzes you, and what raises your hopes. What does the relationship with Rona do for you? Does it make you better? Do you like to see yourself standing by her? What direction are you moving in? Is your life progressing in a forward direction, or are you driving around in circles, or are you stuck in one place?”
Udi pulled out the small notebook that he brought to these sessions. Each time he understood something or wanted to remember something that Assaf said, he’d hurry to record it. Over the following days, he’d open the notebook and read the things that he’d written.
Assaf glanced in Udi’s direction. Udi knew that Assaf was looking at the clock on the wall and assumed that his time was up. To his surprise, Assaf said, in a festive-sounding tone, “I have some extra time today, and I’d like to talk with you about a different subject, one that I’ve chosen. Do you trust me?”
“Of course I do. You know it,” Udi said.
“I’d like you to be alone for a few minutes and make me a list of your dreams—the small ones, the medium-sized ones, and the big ones. Anything that pops into your mind. Dreams from the time that you were born up to this moment. Every dream or thought that you had or have, and any that take up any amount of space in your brain. Which things you want to do and don’t think that you’ll do, and which places you wanted to travel to that you gave up on. Do you have dreams?”
“I think so,” Udi said hesitantly.
“Think of all the intellectuals, the artists, the dictators, the rulers. Where would they have gotten to without dreams? Anything that they ever accomplished, any highs that they reached, all began as a thought in their heads. Think about it. I’m sending you home to enjoy your incredible love for Rona and her love for you, b
ut I ask that you add this love to your list of dreams. I want you to come to our next meeting with the list.”
“If we have another moment,” Udi said, lifting his head to see Assaf nodding affirmatively, “I’d like to raise one other subject.”
“Of course.” Assaf’s eyes were wide. Udi sighed and told Assaf about how he had bought the Jeep and discovered that he’d been tricked, how Rona had come to his assistance and stood by his side.
Assaf paused for a moment. “Why did you bring this up now?” he asked.
“I think that I wanted to show you what Rona would do for me if I was in trouble.”
“That’s impressive,” said Assaf. “Does that satisfy you?”
Udi thought for a moment. “How do I get out of this mess with the Jeep?” he asked.
“Do you have an idea?” Assaf returned the ball to his court.
“Not really,” said Udi. He felt that he was letting down Assaf as well as himself.
“Why don’t you talk to your wife about it? After all, you’re married. She was by your side through several crises, large and small. Did falling in love with Rona make you forget what Varda is capable of?”
Tears were ready to fall from Udi’s eyes. He felt as if he had been caught with his pants down. He had been so busy with himself and with Rona that he’d forgotten he was married to Varda.
“Go home and tell Varda what happened. Present her with the problem and listen to what she has to say.”
Udi remained seated.
“Go home already. You have things to do.” Assaf berated him with a half-smile, and then gave him a hug.
As he drove home after the session, Udi was surprised to discover that his brain was full of dreams that he had not dared to previously acknowledge. He also understood that he, not anybody else, stood in the way of their path to fruition.
He saw himself sitting in his office, his fingers tapping on the glass panel in front of him. To his right were a pair of well-used black telephones, and to his left, at a slight angle, was a thin computer screen on which he could see the electronic details of large real estate deals flashing by. A striking secretary, perfectly made up, wearing a black skirt and a shirt with a raised collar, sat outside his office at her own desk, carefully screening his calls with polite assertiveness and bringing him, from time to time, a cappuccino with one Sweet’N Low and peaks of white foam topping the mug.
“Today just give me calls that have something to do with philanthropic pursuits,” he said as he waited, excitedly, for an important phone call that he knew would change his life.
Then he saw himself holding a wireless microphone in front of his partially opened lips. Strong stage lights lit his face, and all eyes were on him in admiration. His tongue curled with expert interpretation as he sang the words of the song that Paul Anka wrote for Frank Sinatra, and experienced musicians followed his intervals and accompanied his singing with professionalism.
Next, he saw a door open and he walked into the large hall to huge applause. He placed a book on the table in front of him and thanked the audience for inviting him to talk about his second book, which he had written about developing relationships—both private and business—between couples and business partners during real estate deals.
Udi caught his breath. For the first time in his life, he had given complete freedom to his thoughts without trying to stifle them. Before he had seen Assaf, he didn’t think that he had dreams, and now, after leaving, he had been forced to stop himself from dreaming. The excitement that caught hold of him caused his pulse to race, and he was out of breath.
As he sat in his car, floating through his dreams somewhere between reality and imagination, his beeping phone interrupted his thoughts. He looked at the screen and was glad to see that it was a text message from Rona.
I planted you in my garden—in my heart
Your branches have become intertwined
And the depths of your roots in me
From morning and until night
Will not be silenced, the garden will not be calm
It is you that are in it, you are in it
Your thousands of birds, singing
Udi couldn’t believe that Rona had written those words. This song by a well known poet had always thrilled him. He closed his eyes, hummed the melody, and looked out at the garden and at the roots and the birds. He imagined Rona and himself wearing loose-fitting white clothes and running through the trees. A great happiness overcame him, and for a long moment, he reveled in it. Then the phone rang, and it was Rona.
“Where are you?” she said.
“Well, if the industrial park is still where it used to be, I’ll be driving by your office in about five minutes.”
“Come in and see me,” she said, nearly pleading.
“Just like that, in broad daylight, in front of everyone?”
“Nobody knows anything and you can relax,” she said in her normal tone. “Now who’s getting all paranoid? Come on! Just a little hug and you’ll be on your way.”
Clear glass doors greeted him at the large law firm where Rona worked. An enthusiastic secretary with hair casually rolled into a bun on top of her head took a quick glance at him and reached for a hidden button under her desk. “Who are you here to see?” she asked.
Udi told her that Rona was expecting him.
Rona’s name was stamped on a plate affixed to the aquamarine-colored glass wall, and her door was closed. A quick squeeze of the door handle and a fast dance-like move got him efficiently from point A to point B. Rona sat behind a small writing desk covered with papers and files.
“How are you?” Udi asked, looking deep into her eyes.
“I am not having an easy time lately,” she replied, lowering her gaze. “I need to know that you love me, and I need to know that you aren’t going to disappear on me.”
Udi moved closer and she didn’t move. He hugged her ferociously, kissed her tears, and held her face in his large hands. “I’m with you each and every moment, in any situation, whenever you want me. I want you all of the time.”
An involuntary wail burst from her throat and Udi kissed her forehead. “You’re lucky that this office is so small,” he said.
“What are you talking about?” She was quick to inquire.
“If there was any more room in here, I’d probably take advantage of you.”
Rona looked into Udi’s eyes for a long moment. “Let’s rent a room somewhere a little way from here and spend the entire day there, no phones. We’ll meet in the morning, we’ll buy some supplies at the supermarket, and we’ll be set. Let’s see if we can spend an entire day together.”
“It’s a great idea,” said Udi. His long and expert fingers made their way quickly between the pages of her daily planner, and they chose the following Monday as the day they would meet.
He got home just in time for dinner. He passed between the children, giving each of them a kiss, and then he kissed Varda on her forehead. Before she managed to get a word out, he said, “I would be glad to get your advice about something this evening. After the children go to sleep.”
“I’ll find the time,” Varda replied with a half-smile.
After dinner, the children went to their rooms. Udi made coffee for Varda and himself and told her the story about the Jeep.
“Why are you stuttering?” she asked. “I don’t have any intention of reminding you that I told you not to get involved in that. You probably already had this conversation with yourself.”
He hadn’t really been counting on her to help, and he sat across from her wearing a defeated look. He could see that the conversation was over.
Varda said, “Did you talk to Eli?”
Udi’s friend Eli was an experienced lawyer who dealt with insurance fraud and car dealer fraud, and he also happened to be Varda’s favorite uncle.
�
��I didn’t think about him,” Udi admitted.
“Give me my cell phone,” Varda said. She called Eli and related what had happened.
“Tell Udi to see me first thing tomorrow morning,” Eli told her. “And tell him that he can get a good night’s sleep. I’ll get him out of this. I know all of the car dealers.”
Udi hugged his wife.
“The things I have to do in this house to get a hug,” she said, getting up from the sofa.
“On Friday, I’m taking you out to a restaurant,” he said as she walked away.
“Yeah, yeah, we’ll see about that.”
Chapter 37
The next morning, just before he got into his car, he received a phone call from an unidentified number.
When he picked up, he was surprised to hear his bank manager’s voice.
“I’ll get back to you in five minutes when I’m able to talk,” he said, before she had time to say anything other than “hello.”
A gray cat jumped out from behind a garbage can, startling him. His heart told him that it was a bad omen. It was rare that she called him. He thought, Is it possible that they didn’t approve the loan for the last business deal? He wanted to stretch the time before he called her back. A small war raged in his head. Part of him sought the comfort of fools: As long as he didn’t call back, nothing had happened. The other part of him was very curious and wanted to find out what had caused her to phone him. He dialed her number.
“I wanted to let you know,” the bank manager began, her voice playing on his nerves, “that at this stage, we aren’t able to finance the loan.”
Udi’s heart skipped a beat and the color drained from his face. “Why?” he asked, knowing in his heart the answer.
“After the district manager went over your transactions for the last quarter, we found that your expenses have been greater than your income. We feel that it will be difficult for you to stand by the terms of the loan.”
Udi agreed, and said that he had put aside a considerable amount of money to have available for the monthly payments, but then he heard again what he already knew: The amount that he had saved was only enough of a guarantee for a previous loan that he’d taken on a different property.