Three Separations

by I J Shur

  Udi convinced himself that the deal had been a complicated one and carried with it a high risk and a low chance for success. Why are there so many businesspeople who, instead of telling the truth and dealing with situations that demand confrontation or assertiveness, become disloyal and burn bridges? Where did I lose Oded? When did I shut my eyes and lose control? How did I not have the insight to realize that Oded’s recent low profile was not coincidental? I must have been so busy with Rona that I didn’t notice what was going on underneath my nose. I wish I could connect with Rona and get her advice.

  Udi could see her enchanting smile in his mind, and he could hear her calming him, explaining to him in simple language what his options were, when he should act, and how long he should wait before making a move. The sudden lack of accessibility to Rona was tearing him apart as the frustration grew.

  Chapter 54

  Finally, his regular session with Assaf arrived, and just in time; all day he had suffered with anxiety attacks, headaches, a pounding heart, and a feeling of impending doom. He questioned his own behavior and put off all thoughts on the issue until after the session. While he was sitting alone and waiting to see Assaf, he tried to divert his thoughts toward being productive and spending more time with his family. I feel so bad about Michal. How do I find the proper way to her heart? What about Oren? What about the time he fell and cut himself and I wasn’t there? In the worst-case scenario, it could have been so much more serious—this time I was lucky!

  With his gaze fixed on the goldfish as it slowly patrolled its aquarium, he sat on the white sofa in Assaf’s waiting room. Assaf’s presence in the room next door made him feel secure, and he was quiet for a moment.

  “Where are you?” Assaf snapped him out of it.

  Udi was slow to answer. How am I going to get the full advantage of this session? I want to walk out of here feeling strengthened and renewed.

  After taking his usual seat, he told Assaf about Oren’s injury and about the breakup with Rona. “The old-age home deal slipped through my fingers. Oded the entrepreneur signed a deal with my competitor.” Udi looked into Assaf’s eyes and hoped to find a little empathy but received none.

  “Why do I have the feeling that you’re bringing up the business deal just because you feel you should, but you don’t really care that it was canceled?” Assaf paused for a moment and then continued. “Let me put it another way. If you weren’t in such a bad mental state due to your breakup with Rona, we would undoubtedly be sitting here analyzing the loss of the deal and trying to learn from it. It looks like, at the current time, that doesn’t really interest you. Am I correct?”

  Udi nodded.

  “So let’s leave that alone for now. If we have any time left over, we can talk a little bit about it at the end of the session.” Assaf got up out of his chair. “So now, tell me this. If Rona were to call you tomorrow morning and tell you that she had left her husband and that she wants to be yours, would you be happy to take on that challenge?”

  “No. I wouldn’t leave my wife,” Udi said quickly. I’m not going to give him a chance to talk about divorce.

  “Do you love Rona?”

  “A lot! More than anyone I’ve ever known. I love her more than I love myself. My heart is torn. Her mere presence excites me. I’m totally attracted to her, and I miss her even when I am with her.”

  “So why don’t you make the logical choice and end this madness?”

  “I won’t leave Varda.” Udi was decisive.

  “Explain to me why not.” Assaf leaned forward with his chin on his fingers.

  “I came here to figure out how I’m supposed to be dealing with this breakup, and here you are pushing me into a corner.”

  “Please answer the question. Why shouldn’t you leave Varda?”

  “I don’t understand,” said Udi. “Is that what you’re telling me I need to do?”

  “Udi, listen to my question. You said that you won’t leave your wife, and I want to know why not.”

  That’s not the direction I was hoping for! Who does he think he is! For a moment, he thought about raising his voice and challenging Assaf. Hey! Slow down—you need to remember that this guy is your friend. He’s just trying to help. Maybe he’s trying to shine some light down a dark alleyway that I found a detour from, and maybe it was exactly the main thoroughfare I need to march down without fear.

  “Why are you so determined not to leave Varda?” Assaf repeated his question.

  Udi took a deep breath. “Rona is a romance, not real life. We’re not raising children together, we don’t have problems making a living together, we don’t have the corrosive effects of the daily grind together.”

  Assaf raised his eyebrows. “What do you have?”

  “Tremendous love, incredible yearning! I miss her right now. We have an amazing attraction, sex that is out of this world, without boundaries, but if we break up our families and cause pain and suffering for our partners and our children, and if we create a new household, then sooner or later all of the unwanted guests that are family members in our current homes will find us in our new home.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Unwanted guests—problems making a living, building new relationships with children that are not our own, the daily grind, and maybe, God forbid, new affairs.”

  Assaf stretched in his chair and looked into Udi’s eyes. “Thank you for sharing your most secret thoughts with me. They’re the most significant ones of all. It’s incredible to see how you analyze your reality.” Assaf sat up straight in his chair. “So in summary—do you feel that you are ready to make a decision?”

  Udi was silent, and the silence was allowed to stretch on for just a little too long.

  Assaf spoke first. “I suggest that we stop here for today. Go back to your daily routine, and we’ll talk again next week. Please make notes on where your thoughts take you, and we’ll talk again when things clear up a bit.”

  “It’s hard for me to be calm while digesting this loss, and it’s also difficult for me to accept Oded’s betrayal.”

  “Let’s put Oded aside, as agreed, and let’s see what you can learn from that. One of the lessons we learn from business deals are that they come and go. Sometimes a helping hand comes from somewhere to guide us, and then we slap it out of the way. Think of this deal as something that’s in the past, but don’t ignore the warning signs that you ignored, even though they were undoubtedly flashing by the side of the road. Take the loss of the business deal, and turn it into a learning experience. It’s okay to lose deals, and it’s okay to make a mistake. But you can’t make the same mistake twice. The purpose of errors, after they’re made, is to teach us.

  “Time will tell if the loss of this particular deal will turn out to be a good thing or a bad thing. It was out of your hands. You had a green light, and you decided to go along with it. Somebody else chose, for his own reasons, to take a different direction. Sometimes our frustration is far greater over a decision that we didn’t make as opposed to a decision that we did make, even if it turns out that the decision was wrong. You analyzed the data, and you made a decision. The universe, for its own reasons, chose a different course. Trust the universe and don’t interfere in its decisions. I promise you that along the rest of the way, there will be a far better business opportunity that is already waiting for you.”

  Udi wanted to find a magical solution to bring back the deal, but he knew Assaf was right. They stood in the center of the room. Assaf opened his arms and gave Udi a long hug.

  Chapter 55

  The session had lifted his spirits, so he phoned his mother.

  “Hello, my son.” She was overjoyed to hear his voice. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

  “I thought that maybe I’d come and visit you, to talk to you a little. Are you home?” Udi realized too late that it was clear that she was.

  “We’
re home and we aren’t going anywhere,” she said. “I’m sure that your father will be very glad to see you.”

  “How is he?”

  “He’s okay. He is sitting in his pajamas and looking at the wall with the picture of the woman and the candle.”

  Chapter 56

  Udi arrived at his parents’ home and hugged his mother.

  “Look who’s here,” she said, tapping his father on the back. Udi’s father turned and his eyes lit up. The speed of his speech was noticeably slower than the last time Udi had seen him. It was as if the wheels in his head were spinning more slowly, transferring information more hesitantly, as if the rapid transfer of information would cause damage to the process of understanding.

  A long and singsong “hello” finally came from his father’s mouth, and Udi sat next to him. He placed a hand on his father’s shoulder and asked how he was. His father’s shoulders began to tremble, then his lips. His eyes turned red, and tears streamed down his cheeks. He looked into Udi’s eyes as he continued to cry. Udi looked back into his blue eyes. A tremendous sadness choked him from inside his throat, and he began to shake. Where is my father? What can I talk to him about? What will he understand? Udi, too, began to cry.

  “I love you, Dad,” he murmured between the tears. “I love you a lot.” Udi found himself staring into the silent, wide-open mouth of his father as the old man tried to speak.

  “Patience!” said his mother. Udi held his father’s hands and stroked them. They were thin and lifeless. He squeezed harder and looked into his father’s eyes.

  “I’m very happy that you came,” his father said, stretching out the words, and then he started crying again. The words came out haltingly. “I know that I’m already in another place. I just wanted you to know…” His mouth remained open.

  Udi looked at his mother; she put her finger to her mouth and signaled him to remain quiet.

  His father continued. “I am receiving love now that I never received in my entire life. Maybe I didn’t see it, and maybe I didn’t understand it, and maybe I didn’t allow it. It’s too bad that I waited so many years for this love seeing as I seem to like it a lot.” He paused, and then added, “I’m going to rest now. I’m tired.” He closed his eyes and instantly fell asleep.

  “Thank you for coming,” said Udi’s mother. “He’s been waiting for you. His situation is getting worse every day. It’s already extremely difficult for me. You can see how hard it is. I haven’t heard him say things like that for… I don’t remember how long. It’s as if he wants to say goodbye. Most of the day he lies in bed and stares, or sits alone at the table and looks at the picture on the wall. It’s not easy for me at all, but I really love him.” She wiped her forehead with the back of her hand, seeming to gather herself. “How are you doing?” she asked.

  “I’m okay. I’m really okay. It’s hard for me to see Dad like this. Last time I came, he was a lot more lucid. It seems like it’s really hard for him too. Maybe it’s better for him to see love rather than pity.”

  “You’re right,” said his mother. “It’s a good thing that he’s really happy with Simha.”

  “I’m happy to hear that,” Udi said.

  “They speak for hours. He waits excitedly for her daily massage. I think he’s in love with her. I watch them from the kitchen—he doesn’t know that I see. He’s in his own world. I think he’s sure she’s in love with him too. His power of judgment is weakening, or maybe it’s even gone. I think he’s sure that Simha is another one of his conquests. Let him imagine. I don’t care. On the contrary, I’m happy to see that spark in his eyes. I’m sure it’s lengthening his life, at least a little bit. Simha sits with him and listens to him. She admires his wisdom, and she’s the best thing that happened to him since he took ill.”

  “You have a big heart!” said Udi. “I would be happy to see Varda heaping compliments on me like that when I get to his age.”

  “Everything will work out, my son,” she said. “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. So how are Varda and the children?”

  “Everyone is fine,” Udi replied, doing all he could to hold back tears. All the events of the previous weeks hit him at once, and a terrible sadness took hold of him. He hugged his mother goodbye and left quickly.

  Chapter 57

  Udi was not able to snap out of his intense longing for Rona. His soul was stormy, and his thoughts were like pigeons disturbed by an intruder in their coop.

  He continued to drive by intersections where he thought she might pass. Any phone call at any time made him jump. He took more walks in the evening with Mooshie. He hoped that Rona missed him and that her longing would eventually win out, leading her to call him.

  On Friday afternoon, he was happy to see Victor’s name flash across his phone screen. He answered in a musical voice. “What’s happening?”

  “The horses are asking about you,” Victor said. “The coffee pot is standing alone in the barn, and if all that won’t succeed in tempting you, then I’d be glad to roll a couple of nice cigarettes for the ride tomorrow evening.”

  “You called me in the nick of time. Your voice is like water for the thirsty, food for the hungry.” Udi rejoiced at the invitation. “Prepare everything. You won’t have to wait for me.”

  Chapter 58

  Udi arrived at the barn at twilight the next day. Victor sat chain-smoking in the corner on an old wooden chair. The smell of his sweat wafted from his clothes, and his eyes were nearly shut. “Anything I need to know?” Udi was worried.

  “Forget about it! We’ll talk later. Now saddle up and let’s get going!”

  Udi walked over to the animals. The mare looked at him as he approached. She turned her rump to him, and the filly did the same. Udi gave Victor an inquisitive look.

  “Walk between them and grab the mare’s head. Don’t be afraid. They’re testing you, and today it’s your turn to show them who’s in charge.”

  Udi stepped confidently between the horses and moved forward until he was able to grab the reins with one hand and stroke the mare’s head with the other. The horse didn’t resist, and he walked her slowly to the fence. The young horse trotted after her and also walked right up to the fence. Udi tied her up next to her mother and then saddled them both.

  Victor’s unkempt appearance disturbed Udi, and he hoped that he would find the strength within himself to listen to his friend’s problems and be there for him. Udi waited for Victor to start talking. He knew that it wouldn’t be long. He turned his head to look at Victor every so often; Victor was sitting on the saddle and staring ahead into space. They rode for half an hour until they came up to the bank of the stream and the wooden bench where they had sat so many times before.

  Victor dismounted from his horse and sat down on the bench. Udi wrapped a rope around a tree and then around the horses’ necks, making sure to tie the knot properly so that it would release itself and prevent the horses from breaking their necks if they applied too much pressure. Then he went to the table and made the coffee.

  Every so often he’d look over at Victor, who sat there staring at a cigarette that he’d just rolled. Close by there was the whooshing sound of a gas flame. The horses beat their hooves on the ground to loosen some roots and grass, and the treetops whispered in the light, constant westerly wind. The water flowing in the stream carried with it large piles of foam, clearly showing that somebody was releasing sewage into it. The coffee started to boil, and Udi removed it from the flame in order to allow the bubbling to subside.

  He returned the pot to the flame, and the water resumed its bubbling; then he removed it again, and repeated the process until all of the coffee grounds had dissolved in the boiling water and a strong smell of good coffee permeated the air. Udi waited a few moments and then poured the coffee into small mugs. He placed one before Victor and the other in front of himself. Several minutes went by before Victor’s chubby fingers reache
d for the cup. He took a gulp and made a sound like a small jet plane.

  “This guy,” Udi said, “was standing at the edge of a cliff.”

  Victor watched him attentively.

  “He was contemplating his own approaching death and was preparing to jump. As he stared into the abyss, he took an apple in his right hand and a knife in his left and began to peel the apple. As he threw the peels into the abyss, he looked down and was surprised to see another man standing on an outcrop beneath him. That man was holding out his hands and catching the falling apple peels. The man who was going to commit suicide looked up to God and thanked him for the message he had been sent a moment before he jumped to his doom.”

  A bitter smile parted Victor’s lips. “Are you trying to tell me that somewhere out there in the world, somebody has a problem that is a lot worse than mine?”

  “Exactly! You’ve got it!” said Udi with certainty. “And that is before you spilled your guts out to me.”

  “But Udi, you don’t understand. My life has become a living hell. I’m fed up with the daily grind—it’s turned me into ashes. I’m fed up with my wife, fed up with my children… My daughter Dikla, do you remember her? She finished studying law with honors, but she can’t find any work and she’s making her living as a waitress at a pancake house. Tomer, my son, borrowed a friend’s motorcycle and had a terrible accident. What happened wasn’t his fault, but since he didn’t have a motorcycle license and insurance…well…after a trial and a plea bargain, he’ll have to pay the woman who was injured about 120,000 shekels. Needless to say, he doesn’t even have 5,000 shekels.”