Three Separations

by I J Shur

  “I’m a little tense,” he said. “I’m sorry.” Once again, the longing for Rona swept over him. In one gulp, he finished the whiskey that he’d ordered.

  “So what’s up?” asked Yinon. “What’s eating you?”

  “It’s the conversation with my mother,” he replied. “My father’s situation is deteriorating rapidly. It doesn’t look good, and I hope that I’ll be able to talk to somebody when I get back.”

  “Is there anything you can do from here to improve the situation? No? So, come on. Let’s enjoy the rest of our time here, and when you get back, you can devote yourself to your father. He deserves it. He’s quite a guy. It’s unreal what happens to you when you get old, huh?”

  Two waiters approached their table with about ten small bowls of different salads and a basket of slightly sweet bread that had been lightly grilled. Udi and Yinon were starving, so they immediately tucked into the salads. “I hope that I will have enough room for the steak,” said Udi.

  “I’ll help you, don’t worry,” replied Yinon.

  The moment that the meat arrived would stay etched in their memories until the end of time. Two huge chorizo sausages, grilled to perfection, and a large piece of meat on a wooden pallet were placed in front of them. The meat was as tall as a loaf of bread, and the smell of the grill tantalized Udi’s senses. “Too bad I can’t take a photograph of a smell so that I can continue to enjoy it,” he said.

  The low price, only about $30 each, raised their spirits, and they left a generous tip. “Amigo,” said Yinon to Udi, “thank you for being so stubborn. That was one of the greatest culinary adventures that I’ve ever experienced.”

  Chapter 67

  The sound of an incoming text message woke Udi early in the morning.

  I can’t take it any longer. Come back already, Rona wrote. My mornings are miserable, the beach doesn’t do it for me anymore, the wind is whistling, the clouds are sad, the flowers have wilted. Come back, and that’s it!

  He felt a tremor in his heart, and he stopped breathing for a moment. The warmth of her skin was suddenly a palpable thing to him. He went into the bathroom and sat on the toilet. He tried to think of the most appropriate response. “Don’t think,” said an inner voice.

  I love you, I love you from afar, and I love you from close, he wrote.

  He showered, taking his time, lingering under the hot water. Once out of the shower, he looked at his face. Somehow it seemed younger, without wrinkles, and his skin reflected light. Sometimes he’d look at his profile in the mirror and see a tired face, full of little wrinkles and dark spots that came out of nowhere. Other times, he’d see a positive face, full of energy and possessing a curious look.

  Rona’s loving face appeared in his mind. What do you want from her? After all, you won’t marry her and you’ll never break up your family. Do you want to live on your own and not be with her? You’ve created an impossible situation. You aren’t willing to commit to her if she leaves her husband, yet you don’t want to cut off this relationship despite the fact that it’s both dangerous and painful. What are you afraid of? The pain of separation, as bad as it might be, is preferable to the mess that you’d create if you keep seeing her.

  He toweled himself dry and went back into the main room. Yinon was lying on his back, and a gentle snoring accompanied his breathing.

  “Get up,” Udi said. “Please get up. I need you to listen to me. I need to share something with you.”

  Yinon opened his eyes, but it was clear that he was only half awake. “What do you want?” he asked.

  “I’m asking you to listen to me. I need to share something.”

  “Give me a couple of minutes in the bathroom. I’ll be quick,” said Yinon. When he came out, he sat on the edge of his bed. “I’m listening,” he said. “Talk to me.”

  “It’s about Rona,” Udi said. “I’m all torn up. I can’t do this anymore. It’s killing me.”

  “What do you mean?” asked Yinon.

  “It’s not going in a healthy direction. I can’t break up my family, but on the other hand, I think about her all the time. It’s driving me crazy. My heart is constantly revving up from zero to a hundred. I can’t deal with it any more. I need to cut this off and deal with the breakup.”

  “What are you afraid of? Why don’t you do it?” asked Yinon.

  “I’m afraid of myself. I’m afraid that I won’t be strong enough and I’ll drive both her and myself crazy.” Udi ran his fingers through his hair wildly.

  “You’ve thought about it enough. I think that it’s time. This is the best possible choice, and you’re not going to waste it. Is that clear?” Yinon’s voice rose almost to a scream.

  “It’s clear, it’s clear, it’s clear,” said Udi, holding his face in his hands.

  “Do you know what you’re going to do when you get back home?”

  “I know,” said Udi. “I’ll meet her, I’ll explain it to her, I’ll kiss her, and I’ll go. I’ll go back to my old life.”

  Yinon laid his hand on his cousin’s shoulder, “Let’s eat something. You need to go home feeling strong. Reality is not always like fairy tales. It’s much harder! Let’s just have a good time until we leave.”

  Udi’s phone beeped while they ate breakfast in the dining room. He looked at the screen and then at the rain falling outside. Water flowed down the tile rooftops and collected in a gutter that sent it shooting down a narrow pipe between the house and the street. “It’s Rona,” he said quietly. “Rona sent me a text message.”

  “What does she want from you?” asked Yinon.

  Udi got the feeling he was trying to protect him from what must have seemed to Yinon like harassment.

  “Nothing,” he said. “Something beyond what I want from her.”

  Chapter 68

  Later that night, Udi and Yinon boarded the flight back home.

  Yinon’s wife was waiting for them at the airport and received him with a long hard hug. Even while Udi hugged them, loneliness invaded his heart. By himself again, he headed toward the train. His cell phone recognized the local network, and soon began a flow of incoming messages and emails that sounded a bit like rapidly falling dominoes. There was also a message from his good friend Ron, who asked him, in a broken voice, to get back to him. The rest of the messages were mostly from customers and suppliers who had known he was away but had phoned anyway to get things jump-started upon his return.

  Udi called Ron, who didn’t initially pick up but who called back right away. Ron didn’t start with small talk or waste his time on “how are you” and “what’s happening?” He immediately said that he’d like to meet with Udi.

  “I’m sorry. I just got off an airplane, and I’m on the train home. I also have a bit of a mess in my life,” he said. Ron had been so preoccupied with his own situation that he hadn’t even asked Udi how he was.

  “I’ll call you back in two days,” he said to Ron before hanging up.

  For the rest of the train ride, he stifled an intense urge to call Rona. On the one hand, he wanted to hear her voice and bask in her love. But on the other hand, he had already decided, in his soul, to part with her, so it seemed unnecessary to heap on the pain. He parked his car and entered his home hoping that his wife and children would be happy to have him home.

  “Hi! I’m back,” he announced when he opened the door.

  Meirav ran up to him and hugged his legs, “Daddy! I’m glad you’re back! What did you get me?”

  Udi bent down to give her a kiss. “I think that you’ll like what I brought you,” he said. “I missed you a lot.”

  “Me, too,” Meirav said, doing her best to encourage him to open the suitcase and hand out gifts.

  “Let’s say ‘hi’ to Oren and Michal, and then we’ll get to the presents,” Udi said.

  “That’s not fair,” Meirav said. “They didn’t even come to sa
y hi to you. Let them wait for their presents!”

  Udi didn’t want to miss the ceremony of the opening of the suitcase, and their faces as they waited, but he decided to open it anyway. He pretended to search, and all of a sudden, he pulled out a pair of purple leather boots.

  “Wow!” Meirav exclaimed. “Daddy, they’re amazing!”

  They were the right size for her feet, just like Cinderella’s glass slippers. She walked in a circle like a runway model, jumped on him, and hugged him. “I’m going to show Michal so that she’ll be jealous a little bit.”

  A minute went by, then Michal burst into the room, gave him a big hug, and said, “It’s not fair! You got Meirav a present, and you didn’t get me anything!”

  “How do you know that I didn’t get you anything?” Udi tried to prolong the moment.

  “So take it out and show me already,” she said impatiently.

  “Only a gift gets a hug out of you? How about the fact that your dad just got back from a long trip? Doesn’t that mean anything?”

  “Oh, Daddy, come on, can’t you just show me? Can’t you see how happy I am that you’re home?”

  Udi knew that it was time to let go; he knew Michal’s impatience, and he realized that if he didn’t give her gift to her at that moment, she’d go up to her room and it would take a lot of effort to make her come back down. Again, he pretended to rummage through the suitcase before pulling out a black leather coat. Michal grabbed it from him, took off her sweatshirt, and tried on the coat. “Wow, Daddy! You have no idea how amazing this is. I want to call my friend Noa to tell her. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!” She gave him a kiss and disappeared.

  Udi went back to the suitcase and pulled out a new pair of Wrangler jeans and a wide belt adorned with a shiny silver belt buckle. He left the case open and went to Oren’s room.

  “Hello, Son! Did you notice that I got home?”

  Oren slowly lifted his head from the computer screen. “Yes,” he replied.

  “That isn’t an important enough event to warrant you getting up on your feet and coming downstairs to say ‘hi’?”

  “If you say so, then I suppose that it is,” Oren replied.

  “So you should know that I was waiting for it,” said Udi.

  “I’m sorry,” said Oren. “I’m glad you’re back.”

  “Don’t you want to see what I brought back for you?” asked Udi.

  Oren was quiet for a moment, clearly trying to resist taking the conversation in the direction that his father was leading. Udi preferred not to create a confrontational situation, even though he was a bit disappointed. He handed the bag to Oren.

  “Thank you,” said Oren. He took the bag, took out the jeans and the belt, and placed them on his bed.

  “Do you like them? Are they nice? Will you wear them?” Udi insisted on some kind of a response.

  “I think so. They’re nice.”

  Udi felt like roughing up Oren’s hair. He wanted his son to get up and give him a hug. He also wanted Oren to try on the jeans and the belt and to say that he liked his present. He wanted his son to look him in the eyes. It didn’t happen, and Udi could hardly handle his frustration. In the end, he put his head close to Oren’s, kissed him on his forehead, and told him that he was glad to be home and to see him.

  Varda was in the kitchen. “Do you want coffee?” she asked. “How was the flight?”

  “A hug and a kiss, that’s what I want,” he said.

  “Okay, so come here and get them. What about the coffee?”

  “I just got back after being out of the country for two weeks, and you think that coffee is what’s important to me?” he asked, his voice trembling.

  Varda turned and faced him. “What do you want from me? You want a hug, so come and hug me. Nobody here ever turned down a hug.”

  “You could greet me at the door with a hug, something that happens in most homes,” he said.

  “Please, let’s not start with that now,” she implored.

  Udi was too tired to argue and too hurt to hug her. He took a lovely tailored jacket and a bottle of fancy perfume out of his bag and handed them to her.

  “Thank you.” Varda turned away from him. “They’re very nice. I’ll try them on later.”

  “I’ll be glad to hear your opinion,” he said.

  In the shower, the warm water calmed and soothed him.

  “I’m going to take a nap!” he called out to Varda while he was drying himself.

  “I’ll be right there.” Her voice floated on the steamy air back to him.

  Chapter 69

  During his nap, he had a very strange dream. He was buffeted about in a small ship on very large waves during a huge storm that moved the boat all over the place. In the belly of the boat, on a very large, soft bed, Udi made love to a young lady—he was totally engrossed in her womanly beauty. He couldn’t see her face, and he couldn’t estimate her age. She looked familiar, but he couldn’t identify her. Then, all of a sudden, she disappeared and a large hairy spider took her place. It crawled up his neck and grasped at his throat. As he stared in horror at its hairy legs, another spider appeared, larger than the first, and it crawled onto his chest. Udi tried to brush them away, but they held on tightly and wouldn’t let go. As he waved his hands, trying to get rid of the ugly insects, a snake appeared near his waist and began to slither onto his belly, its threatening tongue lashing at him and its black eyes glaring at him with menace.

  “Relax, Udi! Relax! What happened?”

  He heard her voice from far away as he fought the creatures. He found he was staring at the ceiling with his eyes open.

  “A bad dream?” asked Varda, who held his hand. “You’re soaking wet.”

  “Yes,” he replied in terror. “Thanks for waking me up. They were going to finish me off.”

  “Who?” asked Varda, but Udi pressed himself against her back, grabbed hold of her breasts, and fell asleep before he could answer.

  Chapter 70

  The sound of rattling silverware woke him in the morning. It wasn’t a new sound; his wife was emptying the dishwasher. Each time she emptied the dishwasher, she would simply pick up the silverware holder, walk over to the drawer, and turn it upside down, allowing the silverware to come crashing down into a pile. On more than one occasion, Udi had asked why she didn’t simply place the utensils in the drawer in an organized fashion. What was she trying to say? Was she trying to blame him or the children because she was the one who always had to do that task? Was it a hint that somebody else should take care of returning the silverware to its drawer or unloading the dishwasher? And if not, were they doomed forever to hear the sound of crashing silverware?

  He got out of bed and strode into the kitchen. “Are you busy?” he asked her.

  “Yes. I have a ton of work today. I’ll finish this, but then I’m leaving. Can you make sandwiches for the children?”

  “I’ll be glad to do that,” he said.

  “Great! Meirav would like to have some chocolate spread on hers, and she prefers you not to be stingy with the chocolate—she doesn’t want you to decide that for her.”

  “No problem! I’ll use more chocolate than bread.”

  “Great!” She kissed his cheek and left.

  Udi took a deep breath and looked around. The books were neatly arranged on the shelves, the pictures on the wall hung straight, and a vase of red roses was on the living room table. The tree branches outside bent in the light breeze.

  Mooshie sat on her dog bed and made eye contact with him. “I hope that you don’t have any problems with me that you need to settle,” he said, noticing that her tail was wagging. He looked at the clock and saw that it was getting late. After a while, he went to the children’s rooms and woke them, and then waited anxiously for them to come downstairs, hoping that they’d talk to him, give him a hug and a kiss, and let hi
m know what they thought of their presents. The three of them came down, collected their lunches, said goodbye, and hurried to the school bus.

  He pet Mooshie, put everything back into the refrigerator, and left the house.

  As he got into his car, he decided to call Rona before getting distracted by work and returning to the daily routine. He dialed her number.

  “I don’t want to talk to you,” she said quickly. “How could you dare leave me alone for so long? Don’t you have any feelings?”

  “Let’s meet for half an hour. I need to get a whiff of you,” he said.

  “No chance! I have a huge day ahead of me. Who the hell do you think you are? You think you can just show up from some unknown country and try to drive a married woman crazy?”

  “So we’ll put it off until another time?” Udi tried to hide his disappointment.

  “You think I’m going to give up on you? Wait for me at the apartment. I’ll be there in a little bit. I’ve got a story to tell you.”

  “Take your time,” he said.

  Chapter 71

  They stayed together for four hours in each other’s embrace, hugging, reveling in each other’s touch. Udi knew that he needed to end the relationship—that was what he’d decided—but he was afraid of the response, he was afraid of losing her, and he was afraid of losing love. As the hours passed, his frustration grew. Every once in a while, he took a breath as if he was about to say something, and Rona would hold her finger to her lips, as if she knew what he was going to say.

  “Why are you crying?” He looked into her reddening eyes.

  “I’m afraid. I’m really afraid,” she whispered into his ear. “I feel you. You’re uptight, you’re trembling, and something bad is hiding behind your eyes. I’m afraid that I’ll collapse when you start talking. Please don’t tell me that it’s over.”

  Udi hugged her hard.