My So Called Mum: Child abuse, Love & My Great Britain

by Joseph Kane

  “Oh my god, is that a UFO?” I pointed out.

  “I don’t think so,” Tanya replied.

  In the distance just over the backs, I could see lights around a shape. Imagination can run wild when you think and look hard enough. Tiredness had set in, so we climbed into the same bed for an expected sleep.

  Time went much slower for me during the week. I went to Nursery a few times on and off, which was directly across from the local Primary School. Time couldn’t pass fast enough. It was Summer during the six weeks holidays, so everyone was off school. Most of the time I would see a new drama in each part of the village as I roamed around alone. Chris would hang around with his group of friends sometimes outside the house. We had a small slope on the front by the neighbour’s house, where his gang of friends would sit in a row like blue tits perched together. I never got close to Chris or his inner circle for apparent reasons. The main reason being that I wasn’t welcome. He had a close friend that stuck out from the rest called Dean. That particular day, Dean was about to fight with another lad near our home. I could overhear the conversation about how he never fought anyone and didn’t want to partake. That was how arguments were settled I guess. Seeing Chris in his natural surroundings was like trying to track a nocturnal animal. He had a friend that lived a few doors away. Just by our house was a patch of grass in the middle of surrounding homes. Occasionally, Chris with two of his friends would march onto the green carrying a large white marquee tent. Rolled up like a carpet, they would sprawl it out. It covered all of the grass and was filled with graffiti. Shuffling around on their knees with felt pens, they carried on what they had started. It was pretty cool to watch. I tried my luck asking if I could write my name on it, getting a quick response that was opposite to yes!

  I loved climbing trees. Going off for hours looking for anything to climb, even if it wasn’t a tree, was all I wanted to do. Being small and agile, climbing and exploring was my thing. Just across from my front door, I could see two small trees. A branch stuck out, begging me to hang upside down like a bat. Looking towards the ground, I imagined what would happen if the branch snapped. Moments later I heard a snap! Hurtling towards the earth, I landed smack-bang on the top of my head, nearly breaking my neck. Everything went blurry. Crying my eyes out, I laid on the floor helpless. From around the corner, a woman appeared and placed me in her arms to carry me home. I felt as sick as a dog. Mum answered the door, and the exchange was made. One of the many accidents I had as a kid. I was never out of the hospital. The doctor commented on how he had never seen so many head x-rays for a kid. My knees had also taken damage over the summer, from trying to cycle down steep hills at fifteen miles per hour with my tiny wheels. That was around the time I woke up in my mum's bed paralysed. Having nothing to do with all my accidents, I woke up one day unable to feel my legs. Not knowing what was wrong, I crawled out of bed with my arms towards the landing. Mum was fast asleep, so I left her be. At the top of the landing, my arms were exhausted. Getting downstairs would be impossible.

  “Mum, help me!”

  “What are you doing on the floor.”

  “I can’t feel my legs, help me.”

  Knowing straight away something was seriously wrong, she carried me into the car to take me to the hospital. My grandparents met us both in the Chorley hospital car park worried sick. It turned out I dislocated my hip. For the next week, I laid in a hospital bed with my legs sticking up in the air. bandages attached to weights kept pulling me down the bed. The nurses told me to stay on my back during the night. Come morning, two nurses spent an hour every day unravelling me from the twisting and turning I did. My grandad sat in an armchair nearly every night watching over me. A girl across from me had the same problem, becoming my friend for the week. After recovering, I was back to my usual self with my clicky hip.

  My life expectancy over the holidays was at a whole time low. Even my cat became a victim when he was run over. It was Tanya that came to tell me. Around the back of our house, the road was on a bend. Cars went fast without giving any thought; Poor thing. My life nearly ended when my mum bought me a pair of red wellington boots. Ideally, they were meant to be for winter. I loved them so much that I walked around with them all summer. My mum laughed at me and told everyone. The stream was very close to our house, so I went to see how waterproof they were. Two girls older than me were climbing on a rope swing over the water, so I moved further down. Life was great. The sun was shining down on me as I splashed in the shallow water. There was a hedge beside me that towered high. Two or three flies buzzed by. Maybe the water was dirty. I didn’t imagine so; the water was spotless. Splashing was great, but the swing looked better. They looked like they were having fun. Confidence was not my strong point. I was scared of my own shadow. After a few minutes, the flies became more frequent. I looked up towards the top of the hedge to see a whole swarm of bees, flying straight at me. Sharp pains covered my body as I tried to fend them off. Each sting was like a sharp pinprick. Only wearing shorts, t-shirts and my wellington boots, I was utterly overwhelmed. Stood screaming on the spot, I could just about make out two figures in front of me. The two girls dragged me out of the water. Carrying me in her arms, one of them took the lead to get me home. I must have told them where I lived in hysterics. Once again, my mum was meeting me at the front door with my new war wounds. Sat on the kitchen counter with only my shorts, my mum rubbed a pink lotion over every sting. My entire body was full of red spots. I looked like I had Chickenpox for a second time, which would have been rare. It was safe to say that I wasn’t allergic to bee stings!

  I learnt about the birds and bees when I stayed at one of my friend’s house. Erika was a girl that lived across from Ben and Tanya. Summer was over, and I was starting my first day at primary school the next day. Erika was a year older than me, and a year above me in my new school. Mum thought it would be a good idea if she took me to school for my first day. It would have been better if I knew someone in the same class as me. Our mums were downstairs drinking and laughing that night. We had to stay upstairs so we could start winding down for a planned early night. We had fun trying on each other’s school uniform, then going downstairs to show our mothers, who found it just as funny. I had no ambition to be a girl; it was just amusing. There was only one television downstairs, so we had to make our own entertainment. We kept sneaking down earwigging the conversation, and having a peek to see what’s on TV. It must have been a late-night movie because there was some kind of sex scene. They heard us giggling, then shouted us back upstairs. Erika said they were having sex, but I was none the wise. That was the first sight and knowledge about sex I had seen, which was just a man and woman kissing in bed.

  “Let’s have sex,” Erika suggested.

  “How?”

  “First we take off all our clothes, and then you lie on top of me.”

  I don’t know what she knew, but I had no idea what sex was. Getting in bed, I did as she told me.

  “You have to move up and down like this.”

  I didn’t see the fascination rubbing up and down, naked on top of a girl.

  “I’m getting tired; I’m having a rest.”

  “Don’t go to sleep; I want to do it again.”

  “I don’t want to anymore.”

  She was getting angry, so I had to do it again. All it did was tire me out, hurt my arms and made me hot.

  “I’m going to sleep now,” I told her.

  She wasn’t happy at all. Soon after I was fast asleep. The next morning on the way to school, she didn’t talk to me. She was in a mood because I didn’t carry on, but to me, it was pretty pointless. The whole way there, she walked a few feet in front, ignoring me. So much for my first day at school. I don’t know where my mum was.

  My first week at primary school went with a bang. I didn’t know where I was supposed to go, Erika wouldn’t even point me in the right direction after shouting her name. I had to ask another kid, then finally a teacher took me to my new class. It was the firs
t room just by the main entrance; nice and easy to find. I was nervous and shy keeping quiet all the time. All the kids sat on cushioned bean bags in front of the teacher. The tall female instructed us to get into pairs before starting an activity over by the knee-high desk. I didn’t know anyone or felt like joining in so I decided to stay where I was to feel sorry for myself, hoping the lovely lady would show a profound understanding on my first day. The teacher asked me to join in, but I just refused, staring at the floor with my bottom lip hanging down. The day after I was feeling the same, and acted the same. The teacher left the room momentarily. Ten minutes later, the headmaster walked in and looked at me. Only then had I clicked on that she had summoned him for me.

  “Stand up! Come with me.”

  Following his instructions, we both walked down the corridor, me in front of him, frog-marching towards his office. At the end of the hallway were two red doors that swung both ways. Suddenly losing my breath, I was airborne flying through the air before sliding along the tiled floor on my belly, right towards a red coat of paint. The doors opened as I crashed into them head first. Before I knew what was going on, he picked me up by the scruff of my neck and dragged me to his office like a rag doll. In complete shock, I just kept walking. Another lad was standing in the corner facing the wall. I wonder if he felt the same wrath as me. He told me to stand against a pillar that supported the roof of his office. I could see from the corner of my eye there were two headmasters. They were working side by side on a desk. I was even more scared knowing there were two of them. After standing against that wall all day, my stomach was killing me. Not moving a muscle, the bell finally vibrated, signalling my freedom from a crazy headmaster, that acted as if nothing had happened. My new teacher must really hate me. I was so relieved to get home. That was the first and last day I remember of that school. That day taught me that life was no fun and games.

  Most weekends my grandad picked me up and drove me to Preston to stay with my gran and Uncle Mick. My grandad worked in Chorley, so it was easy for him to pick me up. I loved staying at their house. I slept in Mick's bed at night time. He was like a dad, an uncle and a best friend rolled into one. There was a room for my gran's sewing machine next to his bedroom. I was hoping for it to be turned into my bedroom one day. My dad was still absent. I had no memories of him whatsoever. He smashed all the windows on mums car for some reason. Driving around with no windows was draughty. Eventually, the car had to go. Maybe there was more than meets the eye as to why dad lives away. I certainly needed a dad to protect me from bees and Headmasters’. Christmas soon came around. Mum couldn’t afford a tree when we first moved in, so me and Tanya drew a tree on the living room wall that wasn’t decorated. This year we manage to get one. The only time I can remember spending time with mum, was when we put the tree up that year. We did the lights and decorations together, but I kept going into the kitchen to get more crackers to eat, adding extra butter to the point of feeling sick.

  For whatever reason, we had to move house by the time I was six. I think mum wanted to be closer to Preston. I don’t know if my dad played a part. It was unfortunate to leave Chorley. For me, it was the worst mistake mum could ever make. I loved where we lived. We went to view a house on a farm in Leyland, situated between Chorley and Preston. The house was on the main road, next to the farmer's main house. Besides the smell of cow manure, it was pretty old and run down. I don’t know what the hell she was thinking. Around the back was a large barn full of hay and cattle, and acres of land with planted vegetables. Maybe she thought it would be cool to work on a farm. I had a feeling that we were taking the rented house regardless.

  Chapter 2 - The Farmer’s Son

  Leaving Chorley pushed me, my brother and mum much closer to Preston. Mum had decided to take the rented farmhouse which was a major blow. I didn’t know what to expect or how she found it but what a shithole. It was situated a mile from the town centre of Leyland, and not far from Preston. She should have kept going for another mile or two in either direction, that would have been perfectly fine by me. Her dad would have liked the idea of working on a farm, so there was some logic for the decision I guess. If she wanted to escape my dad, then she was going in the wrong direction. If it was all that we could afford, then that explained it. The farmer owned both properties but decided to rent out the one on the left; maybe for extra income. As soon as we arrived, the first thing we would notice was the smell. It stunk of cow shit. Not the best of moves by mum, but we didn’t have a choice. The Farmer, Jim Wilding, lived in the house on the right with his wife and fifteen-year-old son, Steven Wilding; a name I would never forget. Jim’s wife moved out a few weeks after we moved in. It had to be aweful if the farmer’s wife was leaving. Farm life with that smell could strip any woman’s dignity. You could buy all the perfume on the shop shelf, and you still wouldn’t mask that shit! She was probably waiting for someone to rent the house before leaving; releasing her into her environment of a woman’s life, not a farmer’s life.

  We soon settled in and quickly got into a routine. Mum got me into the local primary school half a mile down the lane. She had a bicycle with a child seat on the back so she could take me to school in the freezing mornings. Mum had a new friend around the corner, whose son went to the same school as me. I don’t know how she met friends other than sharing an interest like drinking; unless she met them on my school playground. I started to get free lifts in the morning because they owned a car. Mum couldn’t be bothered taking me anymore. Once again, I was palmed off on somebody else. I never really settled in or made any good friends from that school, especially being the new kid. It’s hard being the new face when everyone already knows each other.

  The positive about living on the farm was that my dad started to come around. Maybe my mum and dad were friends again. He would have been a familiar face to me from birth, so having him around every so often went unnoticed as a young child, but as I got older memories of him began to phase in. Where he came from, I didn’t know. I just instinctively knew that this man was my dad. Chris, on the other hand, was seen less and less. Having different dads might have complicated things, but being sixteen, he was probably out doing his own thing. My dad came to visit me at school during one of my dinner breaks, that surely surprised me, along with a confidence boost. Stood on the yard, I heard someone shout something, then thought nothing of it. Unaware with decibels well over one hundred from all the screaming kids, some girl on the yard told me that a man was shouting my name. As I turned around, my dad was waving at me in his black leather jacket. Being 6 feet, 4 inches tall, you couldn’t miss him. He came to visit us from Preston from time to time, just nothing permanent. To me, life started in Chorley, and now we are making our way back to Preston as a whole. There must be more to it; I was just too young to understand. It was good to see dad during that time, mainly because I didn’t know anyone in school. I loved my dad. He was a good-looking, relaxed guy from what I saw. I just never saw him as much as I would have liked. That day when I got home, I asked him for 50p to get some chocolate. There were no shops nearby apart from a petrol station across the main road, so I asked dad if I could go. He wouldn’t let me because it was too dangerous. He also wasn’t in the mood to take me after begging him. The legal tender in my pocket might as well be worthless if I can’t get a delicious chocolate bar. I hung around the farm with my shiny silver coin, deciding what I should buy if I managed to get to a shop. Dads voice was repeating in my head; “Don’t you dare go to that garage on your own.” I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. I sauntered around for a few minutes around the back of the house, opposite the barn thinking dad would stay inside. The garage was so close I could taste it, along with cow manure in the back of my throat. If I ran quick, I could be home before he noticed I was gone; then I will hide the chocolate in my pocket. My need for something sugary was far greater than any consequence. When I got there, I bought a mint aero which cost precisely 50p; a good deal on my part. On the way back, and back on the
right side of the road, I was making good time, so I ate one piece. Barely finishing that one piece, I looked up to see my dad marching straight towards me with a sour face. “I told you not to go!” He shouted, before taking my chocolate off me.

  That night, dad seemed to be staying. Mum ran a bath for me before bedtime. Shortly after getting into the tub, dad came upstairs to brush his teeth. I’m glad someone showed up because mum wasn’t good at making appearances. I stood up and asked if I could brush my teeth at the same time, but was told to sit down or I would slip.