by Joseph Kane
“Please Lord, if you can’t make me skinny, then make all my friends fat.”
A giant pig covered her wall behind a green background. I got the impression she was insecure about her weight. She wasn’t even fat. I didn’t care if she had three arms, and one leg; to me, she was the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen. Having a bunk bed with storage space underneath, there was barely enough room to stand by the door. We climbed the ladder to sit on her bed. It was cramped which meant I could get closer to her. She seemed embarrassed. It was the perfect nest for two love birds. I was sat on a bed next to the girl of my dreams, still amazed how this moment came to be. We had to lean over to watch her small television, but most of the time we sat at each end of the bed talking. Having our legs between each other, we started leg wrestling and tickling each other’s feet after getting on like a house on fire. Lying beside one another, we passionately kissed until we needed a glass of water. We took it slow for the first few weeks. Each visit seemed more intense. Mounting her, we held tightly with our fully clothed bodies. After working up a sweat, the heat had nowhere to go being so close to the ceiling. The window was too small to expel the kind of heat we produced. Taking it a little bit further, the kissing started to turn each other on. Rubbing up and down, we masturbated one another using our crotch. I had to press harder with the jeans she wore. With her mum and stepdad downstairs, there was no way we could get undressed. Once we calmed down, we talked about the first time we ever clapped eyes on each other.
“Every time you looked away, I was staring at you.”
“Seriously, that’s what I did. I looked at you thinking; he’s hot.”
We froze looking deep into each other’s blue eyes before kissing. From that moment I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.
“Louise, home time.”
Her mum shouted from the bottom of the stairs. We pushed the limits to see how much extra time we could get before her mum shouted for a second time. Walking through the living room towards the back door, I smiled and said goodbye to her mother. If only my mum turned out like that. Outside we had a quick chat, a kiss, and a cuddle before she had to go back inside. We had only known each other for a few weeks. The thought of losing her at this stage would be disastrous for me.
“I know I’ve not known you long, but…. will you start seeing me.”
“I don’t know; I’ve been hurt by my ex-boyfriends in the past.”
They must have been losers if they couldn’t see what a great girl she was.
“I’d never hurt you, Louise; You’re the nicest girl I’ve ever met. I promise I won’t hurt you if you give me a chance.”
I made a promise I knew I couldn’t keep knowing what a screw-up I was. After a few minutes, she gave me an answer.
“OK then.”
I knew she wanted the same. She didn’t want to give her heart away so easily. If I didn’t capture her heart when I did, someone else could of. Once I exited through her back gate onto a large football pitch, the night sky was clear with a full moon in front. Looking up, I smiled at the perfectly round shape. Taking a deep breath, that was the happiest feeling I’d experienced. My stomach felt like it didn’t exist, while my heart and lungs felt like one big air bubble. Joy lifted me high up as I danced across the field, kicking an imaginary football into the nets. “She’s mine!” Life was about to get a whole lot better. All my life seemed to do with itself was balance down a thin line of good and evil, poverty and wealth. Sooner or later, that balance had to tip in one direction.
Walking into Chris’s house, everyone was transfixed to the television.
“Have you seen the news? Two planes have just flown into the twin towers in New York.”
Blood left my face seeing the two buildings on fire. While I was falling in love, Terrorist had attacked America, prompting an inevitable war. Innocent people jumped from way up in the clouds to avoid the fire. The horror show unfolded with each building collapsing. It was the most frightful thing I had ever seen. My ambition to live in America was undeterred. That night I prayed for the victims before climbing into my sleeping bag. It made me appreciate life that little bit extra.
Every day after becoming a couple, Louise and I tried to see each other seven days a week. The strong, urging connection pulled us tightly together. We longed for each other’s company once apart, becoming infatuated with each other. My brother's house was not ideal, so we headed to hers all the time. Her mum didn’t mind. Every night after tea and once our daily activities were finished, I walked to meet her by the shops. The walk to hers was the best part of the day. Holding hands, we shared stories of what we had got up to. She anaesthetised me with words. Her body carried me with hers. Her soft subtle hand released any pain, fear or discomfort I had in my heart. The world could be on fire around me, and I wouldn’t notice. A growing vine of peace overtook any doubt in my life. Her mouth, her kiss, her indescribably soft lips seized my soul. The road ahead lead me to a blessed garden of freedom. Looking forward to being alone, a month had passed our newly found relationship. Unexpectedly, no one ever came into her room when we were alone. We kissed each other for what felt like hours. If we could have crawled into each other’s bodies, I’m sure we would have. Lying on her back in her yellow polo top, I pulled away from a kiss keeping full eye contact. She unfastened her jeans, signalling she was ready. Lifting her bum, I slowly pulled them off placing each hand on her cold-inner thighs, running my palms with hard skin up towards her hips. Our eye contact broke momentarily as my eye’s fixed between her legs. Leaning my head to one side, I slid my tracksuit pants down, positioning my knees before closing the humid gap. The kissing alone starved any oxygen above us. Still half dressed in case her mum walked in, I penetrated her enough to become one. Our tongues swirled together as we mixed like two colours of paint, embracing what was set to be love. Sweat poured off us during her orgasm, leaving me to cum inside her. Lying in that position locked together forever was never going to be. A thud came upstairs, causing us to return to an upright position. It was a false alarm; someone needed the bathroom. Louise opened the small window wide, spraying any perfume to rid the smell of sex. Later, she laid on my chest by the window, as a cool breeze flowed down our necks, gradually cooling us down. The entire world outside that bedroom door was irrelevant. Everything I needed was in that room. The remaining hour went too fast before going home for the night. At the back door, we gave each other a tight cuddle. She happily smiled as I walked away. Words were not needed to communicate. The clear, chilly night waited for me to cross the field. The moon pierced my eyes, imprinting the memory of what just happened. It was the night I fell madly in love with Louise.
Saturday nights became my favourite. Louise was left to babysit her younger brother, while her mum and stepdad went to the labour club for a few drinks. The cupboards got raided, the living room was ours, and we could do whatever we wanted. As soon as the parents left, it was clothes off, and straight into the shower together to make love. The shower rained down her back, while I rubbed shower cream around her perfect breast, sucking her tongue. We laughed and smiled looking down each others nose, in moments of ecstasy. Ending up on her mum's bed, we carried on making love better than married couples. Before going back downstairs, we paused on the landing for a cuddle.
“I need to tell you something.” She said hiding her face.
“I need to tell you something as well.”
“You go first.”
“haha, no, you go first.”
Shying away from me, I encouraged her to tell me first. I had a feeling what she wanted to say.
“I think I’ve fallen in love with you.”
Talking down into my jumper, I lifted her face by her chin with her puppy dog eyes looking up at me.
“Louise… I’ve fallen in love with you as well. I fell in love the first moment I saw you.”
Once downstairs, I laid behind her on the sofa taking full advantage of what married life must feel like. The possibilities of t
wo people being in love at the same time were astronomical. Adults called it a cute relationship, yet they had never truly been in love. Chris and his girlfriend didn’t know the meaning; neither did my mum. Not one person around me had ever made love; if they did, they wouldn’t be assholes all their life. I felt like a God at sixteen. Still, I pitied them for not experiencing such a wonder. Suddenly, I had the edge over everyone. With Louise beside me, I could achieve anything.
The situation at my brothers stayed the same for months. My course ended, leaving the perfect time frame to start the same college as Louise. Any extra time with my love was all that entered my mind. Going into her second year being such a good prospect, the only course available to me was the silly class. Full of reprobates and disabled people, the college knew we were unemployable. If any of us proved by the end of the year that we were capable, the next year would be a Maths and English course. In simple terms, it would take six to eight years in college to reach the level Louise was at. She was heading for success, while I headed for the toilet. Not sitting my exams left me screwed. It was only a matter of time before we parted. There was no way I could drag her down, yet I couldn’t let go. Successfully entering my course, me and Louise met every morning to get the same college bus. Meeting that same smile every day was the only purpose I needed to wake up. Sat on the bus at the back with Louise and her friends, the conversation came up about someone’s broken nose. I tried to join the conversation to take an active interest.
“I’ve broken my nose twice,” I said to her friends.
“I can tell,” the girl replied as everyone laughed.
“Louise has gone bright red, haha.” Her friend pointed out.
There wasn’t one point of entry in a society where I could fit. It always felt like looking through a window. No matter how I acted, or what I said, people would still consider me as a chav or a nobody. Even if they had to put a front on, it was clear what they thought. A leopard can’t change its spots, so I wear them proudly. Fuck the haters, and wave bye to the do-gooders, because one day I will go down with the ship as a product of society.
Meeting some cool friends, we knew where we belonged; at the end of the college where no one goes. The tutors seemed nice. They put us to work building public footsteps with stone and wood. Like a chain gang along a US highway, I pushed wheelbarrows full of stone three times my weight. Getting more than we bargained for, the college course turned into slavery, believing it’s what we needed. Hard work was all my grandad ever raved about, and look how narrow-minded he turned out. Finding Louise during short breaks was something I looked forward to. Living different lives, we never mixed with each other’s friends. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other, she was irresistible. Once or twice, we sneaked into the college toilets when it was quiet. She would give me a blowjob before bending her over in a cubicle, while students came and went without knowing what we were up to. It was thrilling living on the edge of life. We couldn’t even wait to get home. Arriving late one morning, my classroom was empty. Everyone had already set off to re-build half of Leyland. The news went down well, knowing I missed it. When I found Louise, I took her to my quiet classroom for some privacy. She was sat on the desk where I worked while I stood up kissing her.
“Shall we have sex?”
“Are you kidding, what if your class comes back?”
“They won’t come back until 3pm.”
“Someone could walk in though.”
“Well, that’s a risk worth taking,” I said to her.
We pulled our pants down and made love on the classroom table. It was right next to the staff room as well. The door had a small window to look through, but being on a bend, a teacher would have to approach the door to look through. A student or a teacher could walk in any second. Consequences didn’t enter our mind, only love. Thank god no one did. What an embarrassing moment that would have been; her tutor explaining to her mum that she was kicked out of an A-level art class for having sex in a classroom. Our sex life definitely became kinkier. It was a stupid thing to do, but love blinded us.
Not having any sexy lingerie of her own, she improvised. On Saturday night having the house to our self, she started wearing her mum’s lingerie. Lying on top of her mum's bed with the lights on, we made love in front of the large mirrors. I couldn’t help but laugh when she wasn’t looking. The only thing missing was the cameraman. The thought of her mum finding out was unthinkable. We knew how to push the limits. After tidying the bed, I dropped the condom on the floor by accident. The last thing anyone wanted was pregnancy at sixteen.
“For god sake, don’t forget to get rid of that; my mum will kill me.”
“I won’t don’t worry.”
After getting a shower, it was home time before her parents got back. The next day I returned after eating my Sunday dinner. Louise met me at the back door with a distressed look on her face.
“My mum wants a word with us both.”
“Why what’s up?”
“I don’t know.”
We took guesses at what she wanted. We feared that her little brother grassed us up for using her bed. Then she came outside nearly whispering.
“What do you think you are both doing in my room. You two are disgusting. I found a condom on the floor by my bed last night. What if your stepdad found it? He would have gone ballistic. I appreciate you both practising safe sex, but don’t ever go in my room again.”
Her face was bright red from pushing out a quiet scolding. I speak for Louise when I say that we both wanted to die from shame. Her mum roasted us alive. Just when we thought we were invincible; an adult would come along to bring us back to reality. It didn’t stop us of course. Her mum would need a stick to separate us. After that, we just climbed in her mum's bed instead so it didn’t crease the bed covers. Lou’s room was too small for the sexual positions we wanted to try.
Knowing my life was on borrowed time like my grandad always said, old habits had stayed with me whatever I did. College became a drag, so I started to take cannabis with me. Unable to smoke it, I nibbled on the brown resin like a mouse until I felt stoned. Walking the corridors made me anxious and tense. Large crowds of normal people were not my thing. Any sense of normality became hard to cope with. Although I had the girl of my dreams, my future was bleak. Being realistic and somewhat bright, there was no way I could deal with responsibility. Wanting to block everything out pulled me in one direction, while expectations pulled me in another. On a waiting list for a flat, Chris wanted me to move out when a place became available. I wasn’t ready to face my trauma, grow up, then suddenly become a responsible adult. Inside I was in pieces, and not one person knew. On top of my dilemma, my hormones were all over. Louise was the same with her hormones. After going to the doctor for a problem she had, they prescribed her with Co-proxamol; a strong pain killer. Once she told me, I started taking them, swallowing half at a time. The feeling was like being on a cloud. Having fifty in her room, I took thirty home to help me get through any college anxieties. Just before the bell at dinner, I would swallow half, turning into a numb student. The feeling was great; no more pain or suffering, just a calm atmosphere. That, mixed with the resin I chewed on throughout the day, left me on cloud nine. Being drunk on love and substances, I fell towards the void I’d been searching for.
Being under the influence, my behaviour spiralled out of control. Losing the capability to differentiate reality from a dream, each day became harder to function. Acting irrational followed from such a foggy mind, causing me to think that nothing in the world had ever mattered. Every breath I had taken was nothing more than a big joke. I became so withdrawn, Louise seemed a million miles away. One of the girls from my class took advantage of my altered state of mind, by coming on to me. I’d never even spoken to her before, yet she was all over me in the recreation room, where people ate their food. She was nothing but a low-class slag, not even in the same league as Louise. Numb from any emotion or feelings, I didn’t stop her advances when she was
kissing my neck. I could have been beaten, robbed or sexually abused without a care in the world. No one could harm me anymore. Unknowingly not myself, I was betraying the person that gave me love, attention and all the time in the world. To me, it was Thursday; I was entirely out of it like a zombie. Addicted to tablets and weed, I fed my habit without a second thought. Louise had finally seen enough. She could have walked away an left me. Instead, she saved me. During a dinner break, she stormed into the recreational room. First, she grabbed the slag off me then hit her, threatening to kill her if she goes near me again. Then, she picked up the full can of coke I had in front of me and poured it all over my head. Everyone watched the commotion as Louise baptised me. I was at the bottom of the lake again in Florida, when Louise reached down and pulled me to the surface. The light in the ceiling was mistaken for the sun. My true love had become the Virgin Mary. The crowd around us represented the children of God. Gasping for air when I reached the top, I was reborn again with clarity. Watching Louise walk off down the corridor after regaining my senses, I chased after her. That was the biggest mistake of my life. In a moment of selfishness to escape reality like my mum and dad, I had destroyed the purity of love we had. I had poisoned the well I drank from. A ripple effect that day forward caused us both to collide like two neutron stars.
Louise’s Achilles' heel was her temper. Not only was she the brightest pupil at her school, but she was also the toughest. She certainly knew how to punch. The love we had evolved into an obsession for each other. Spending too much time turned us against one another. Once two energies realise they can’t form as one, they either bounce off each other or explode on impact. We did both. Arguments of paranoia about our exes turned violent. I never had a fight in my life. Unable to control her emotions, she punched me in my already broken nose. Another time she punched me in the ribs causing a fracture. Most girls slapped at the worst. We wrestled and fought each other halfway down the street on a bad day, with onlookers amazed. I tried not to physically hurt her. Half the time I was fending her off me. Being bigger than me, it was hard to gain control of her once she got going. I tried everything. If there was one person that can light someone’s fuse, it's me. At one stage, I encouraged her to hit me if it made her feel better. We held on for dear life trying to harness the power of love. A mighty power flowed through my veins. The only foreseeable outcome seemed to be death. The pitfall had revealed itself. The relationship was flawed. We had to die together or be pulled apart forever. Coming to a sudden end, my substance abuse ended moments after Louise slammed me into a college advertising board. Unbearable pain in my stomach left me cramped on the floor like I had been stabbed. The fighting had to wait for a moment. Coincidently being next to the nurse’s office, I had to come clean with what substances I had been taking if she was going to help me.