Dungeon Master

by Eric Vall

  The god grinned at us as he hovered in the air and crossed his legs like he was seated on solid ground. I had thought the stout Barden brother was as round as they came, but compared to this deity, he was as slim as a blade of grass. Never in my years had I seen such an enormous belly. The cream-colored robe that he wore was much too small for him, and his stomach bulged against the fabric. His face was so fleshy that his eyes were nearly pinched shut, and his fingers were thick and roughly the size of small trees.

  “Get a load of that guy,” Rana whispered to us as she looked at the deity with wide eyes. “It would take a century to count the number of chins he has,” the fox woman said in disgust. “That’s what happens when you eat too much pie.” She elbowed Carmedy, but the cat didn’t seem to hear as she stood silently and gaped at the massive being before us.

  “So, did you all enjoy my little trick?” the deity asked eagerly as he rested his puffy hands on his knees. “All that lava coming out of nowhere and then ta-da! Pretty good, right?” The paunchy god clasped his hands and looked at us with a toothy grin as he awaited our response. He seemed rather impressed with himself. Then again, most deities were.

  We looked at each other curiously and then turned back to the bloated, floating man. His voice was loud, but it was nasally and oddly high-pitched for a man. It was rather annoying.

  “Um, yeah, I guess so.” Rana wrinkled her nose. “So that’s what this stuff is called, lava?” The fox woman gestured to the orange liquid on the walls.

  “Yes.” The deity rolled his eyes. “It’s hot, and it burns stuff. Enough about that, let’s talk about my trick,” the flabby giant said excitedly.

  “We did not come here to marvel over your little tricks,” Morrigan said with a twinge of annoyance. “We are here to conquer this dungeon.”

  “Fine.” The deity scowled at Morrigan. “Let’s get started with our game, shall we?”

  “Game?” Carmedy cocked her head to the side. “What game?”

  “If you want to conquer my dungeon, you’ll have to play my game, or games I should say.” The plump deity giggled to himself.

  “What kinds of games?” Annalíse raised an eyebrow.

  “Oh, I’m so glad you asked.” The giant clapped gleefully. “They’re all puzzles of some sort, but they’re each different. You’ll have to use your brains,” the deity called out in a sing-song voice. It was irritating, to say the least. “There will be five rounds,” the god continued. “All you have to do is win more rounds than me, and you’ll triumph!” The tubby god threw his hands into the air with exuberance, before he tapped one of his chins. “Well, you won’t actually win, of course, but I’m sure you’ll have fun trying.”

  “So you’re saying that we simply have to win three out of the five games and the dungeon will be conquered?” I asked in disbelief. This sounded much too easy. This deity was childish, but he was still a god. There had to be more to it than that.

  “Oh, yeah, there is one more tiny little thing.” The god grinned as he held up his hand and pinched his thumb and index finger together.

  “We’re listening.” I nodded.

  “If you lose a round, sorry, let me rephrase that. When you lose a round, the game will get a little bit more … interesting,” the man said giddily.

  “How so?” Morrigan said, completely unamused.

  “Well, every time you lose, one of your friends will go bye-bye.” He waved his hand at us as he chuckled.

  “Explain,” Morrigan said sharply. The pale elf seldom showed her emotions, but she was clearly growing tired of the loathsome deity’s nonsense. I couldn’t blame her, for I was as well.

  “Let’s say, for example, you lose round one,” the deity said with a wicked smile. “I’ll make one of you disappear.” He pointed to each of us one by one. “If you lose round two, poof! There goes another one! Get the picture?”

  “I knew it,” Carmedy moaned. “We are going to disappear.”

  “No one is going to disappear,” Rana hissed. “Where exactly are we going to poof off to?” the fox woman said as she crossed her arms.

  “Someplace safe,” the gargantuan god said teasingly. “Well, sort of. It’ll be safe unless I beat you overall, then you’ll really go bye-bye.” The portly being tilted his head back and burst into uncontrollable giggles as he held his quaking belly. The man’s high-pitched laughter was exceedingly obnoxious. Rana’s face soured at the sight of the amused deity, and the rest of us frowned as well. What was this fat fool laughing about? Nothing even remotely funny had been said. The god finally calmed his laughter and wiped a few tears from his chubby face. “Such long faces.” He clicked his teeth together. “Don’t be so glum, chums, if you beat me you’ll get back all the players you lost.”

  “Really?” Carmedy said quietly. “We’d get everyone back?”

  “Absolutely, I promise.” The deity nodded as he placed a hand across his doughy looking chest. “But if you lose, let’s just say you won’t be walking out of here.” The god began to cackle.

  “What do you mean by that?” Carmedy said fearfully, but the rest of us understood what was implied.

  “Oh, I wouldn’t want to spoil the surprise.” The irksome giant spread his lips to give us a wry grin. “You’ll find out soon enough. So, shall we get started?” The bald deity wiggled his eyebrows at us. The five us formed a group and began to talk amongst ourselves in hushed tones.

  “Do we really have to do this?” Rana frowned. “It sounds really dumb. Whoever heard of playing a bunch of games to conquer a dungeon? What happened to good old-fashioned goblins and scary monsters?”

  “I could simply destroy him,” I whispered to them, “but I would like to see how you, my loyal minions, handle this situation.”

  “Your loyal minions?” Rana asked as she rolled her eyes.

  “Of course,” I said. “Besides, it is often easier to play by the rules of the dungeon deity if we wish to acquire the treasure.”

  “Can’t we just leave and go look for another dungeon?” Carmedy whispered. “I don’t like this place, and that guy is really creepy.” The feline nodded in the direction of the floating deity.

  “I don’t think he’d let us walk out of here.” Annalíse shook her head.

  “Think about it. This is how those villagers disappeared all those years ago. They must have played the games and lost. If there was an option to not play and leave the dungeon, some of those people would have come back.”

  “Spooky!” Carmedy’s eyes grew wide with realization.

  “We’re in here now,” Annalíse continued, “and we can’t leave until we win.”

  “I would take pleasure in beating this foolish god at his own games,” Morrigan said darkly. “His behavior is childish, his laughter is nauseating, and his appearance is repulsive. To make matters worse, he talks far too much and is exceedingly arrogant. I wish to put him in his place.” The tattooed elf’s voice carried an unexpectedly sinister tone, and she narrowed her eyes as she had spoken. The ravens on her shoulders repeatedly cawed as though they agreed with their master’s words.

  Her words surprised me. I had never heard Morrigan speak for so long. Nor had I never seen the she-elf display such emotion or any sort of emotion really. The pompous game-loving deity had gotten to the elf, and she wanted to satisfy her anger.

  “Well, when you put it like that, how can I refuse?” Rana said with a sly grin. “I’m getting tired of this loudmouth’s blabbering too. Let’s wipe that smug look off his fat face.” The rest of us nodded in agreement.

  “Hello?” the large god moaned, and he stretched the word out. “I don’t have all day you know. Well, I do, but you know what I mean.” The deity carelessly waved his hand. “Are we going to get started or not?” Our group turned around to face him. We each bore a look of confidence, even Carmedy seemed to muster up some courage.

  “We’re ready.” I nodded.

  “Excellent!” The monstrous being clapped his hands together happily. “Let’s
play.”

  Chapter 14

  The massive floating deity waved his hand, and suddenly lava began to rise through the jagged cracks in the ground just as it had when he had appeared. This time, though, the lava began to stretch straight up into the air. The fiery liquid gathered together and began to mold itself into a solid form, much as it had done to create the god’s form earlier. As the orange fluid dripped away, it revealed the shape of an enormous hourglass. Instead of sand, the contents of the timepiece were lava, and it bubbled and gurgled within its translucent container.

  “I’ll start you off with something easy,” the nasal sounding god said to us. “Just a simple riddle. You’ll have exactly three minutes to try and solve it.” He gestured to the hourglass that hovered beside him.

  “Understood.” I nodded.

  “Fantastic,” the colossal being said excitedly. “Let’s begin… I have cities, but no houses. I have mountains, but no trees. I have water, but no fish. What am I?” The god shot us a smug grin as the hourglass began to turn itself over. “And… your time starts now!” The giant god pointed at us. He cradled his uppermost chin in his hand and bit his lip as he observed us eagerly, it was as though he were watching some sort of performance.

  I immediately know what the answer was, but I kept my face emotionless as I turned toward the beautiful women. I would jump in and offer a hint if they needed it, but I knew my minions were smart enough to figure this one out on their own.

  “Okay, everyone, think,” Annalíse said quickly to the rest of us. “What sorts of places don’t have houses, trees, or fish?”

  “Could it be the sun or the stars?” Carmedy proposed.

  “No, that doesn’t fit.” Annalíse shook her head.

  “Perhaps the heavens,” Morrigan suggested.

  “No, that doesn’t make sense either.” The freckled woman furrowed her brow as she mused. “The answers to riddles are usually far simpler than one would expect. So let’s try to keep that in mind.”

  Annalíse was right, and the solution was indeed very simple, but I decided to wait for a bit before offering a hint.

  “Most likely some of this information is meant to throw us off,” Annalíse continued.

  “I agree,” I said as I hid my smile. The swordswoman was getting closer to discovering the answer. I hadn’t expected such analytical thinking from someone so impulsive. I was impressed.

  “Rana, what do you think?” Annalíse said to the fox woman who had started to pace back and forth.

  “Shh, I’m trying to think,” Rana hissed.

  “Well, come over here, we need to talk this out as a group.” Annalíse motioned for Rana to rejoin us.

  “That’s going to waste time,” the red-headed woman said as she continued to walk pace up and down the cracked floor. “All that back and forth over what the answer could be, it’s only going to slow things down. It’ll be easier for me if I try to figure it out on my own.”

  “But that doesn’t make any sense,” Annalíse cried. “We need to work together.”

  “You do it your way, I’ll do it mine.” Rana shrugged.

  “You’re running out of time,” the deity sang out as he playfully wagged his finger.

  I glanced at the hourglass as it began to turn over. We only had two minutes left, but I resisted the urge to tell my minions the answer.

  “Fine,” Annalíse groaned before she turned back to us. The tall warrior closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “I have cities, but no houses. I have mountains, but no trees. I have water, but no fish…” Annalíse restated the riddle for us all to hear.

  “What place doesn’t have houses, trees, or fish?” Carmedy mumbled. “Does anyone know of any continents like that?”

  “I think we’re making this more complicated than it actually is,” Annalíse said hurriedly. “Let’s try a different approach. How about we stop focusing on what’s missing? So forget the houses, trees, and fish. Let’s focus on what is there, the cities, mountains, and water. What place has those things?” Morrigan stood quietly as she pondered Annalíse’s words.

  “But how does that help?” Carmedy said desperately as she eyed the dripping hourglass. The timepiece began to turn over once more, we only had one more minute. “Every continent in the world has those things.” She sounded defeated as she scratched her head.

  “Wait, that’s it!” Annalíse snapped her fingers as her eyes shone with sudden understanding. “What if it’s not someplace, it’s something?”

  “Are you referring to an object of some sort?” Morrigan raised a white eyebrow.

  “Yes,” Annalíse said with a grin, “like a map.”

  “A map?” Carmedy wrinkled her nose. “Are you sure?”

  “Think about it,” Annalíse said rapidly. “A map has cities, mountains, and bodies of water depicted on it,” - the freckled woman counted on her fingers enthusiastically - “but it doesn’t show any houses, trees, or fish.”

  “Oh, I get it now,” Carmedy said with a wide grin.

  “Yes, I believe that you are correct,” Morrigan said, and they all turned to me.

  “Quickly,” I said as a grin came to my mouth, “give him the answer.”

  The deity bit his lip and squeezed his fists like an excited child as he watched the remainder of the lava drip into the bottom half of the hourglass.

  “The answer is a map,” Annalíse shouted raspily to the humongous deity. The god blinked his eyes in surprise and slowly turned his head to look at us as the last bead of lava dropped down.

  “That’s, that’s… correct,” the floating giant said in disbelief. “You actually figured it out.” He slumped his massive shoulders

  “How did you find out the answer?” Rana asked with a slight pout as she rejoined the group. “From what I could hear, I figured you guys were going round in circles.”

  “All it takes is a little clever thinking and some teamwork.” Annalíse emphasized the last word and gave the red-headed woman a sly grin. Rana rolled her eyes and mumbled something under her breath.

  “Hooray, we did it!” Carmedy squealed as she started to jump up and down.

  “Don’t get so excited,” the deity said bitterly. “That was an easy one. We’re just getting started.”

  “Fine then.” Rana casually puffed her bangs out of her eyes. “What’s the second puzzle?”

  “Hmm, I think I’ll give you another riddle.” The enormous deity tapped his meaty fingertips together.

  “But you said each puzzle is supposed to be different,” Rana said as she put her paws on her hips.

  “That’s right, you did say that.” Carmedy nodded.

  “Well, I changed my mind, okay?” the bald-headed god moaned, and he crossed his arms and stuck out his blubbery lower lip. “I can change my mind if I want to, it’s my game.” He glowered at the fox and cat and stuck out his tongue. Carmedy silently raised an eyebrow in surprise at the deity’s immature response.

  “Okay, okay, geeze.” Rana held up her hands. “What are you, seven years old?” she said under her breath.

  “Alright,” the hovering being said, seemingly ignorant of Rana’s muttering as he reclined back in the air, his hands behind his head. “This next one is short and sweet,” he said with a chuckle. “If I am holding a bee, what do I have in my eye?” After the deity spoke, the giant hourglass proceeded to turn over as it had before. “You’ll never figure this one out,” the hovering god said haughtily. “And your three minutes starts… now.”

  “What kind of ridiculous question is that?” Rana snarled as we began to talk through the possibilities.

  As with the first riddle, I immediately knew what the answer was, and as I stared at my attractive female minions, I had to resist a chuckle. This puzzle was a bit harder than the first one, but I had faith they would get it. If they didn’t, I would be here to help them with a hint.

  “Perhaps this particular question requires knowledge regarding bees,” Morrigan suggested. “Carmedy, your knowledge of
plants and flowers is quite adept. Does your comprehension extend to insects such as bees as well?”

  “I know a lot about plants and flowers,” Carmedy said quickly, “but I don’t know much about bees. Just the basics, pollination and all that.”

  “Hmm,” Annalíse mumbled as she rubbed her chin. “I don’t think it has anything to do with that. I think--”

  “I’ve got it!” Rana suddenly shouted. The rest of us turned to her in anticipation of her idea. “It’s so easy.” The fox woman waved her paw.

  Before any of could say anything, the fox woman turned to face the puzzle-loving deity.

  “The answer is obviously pollen,” Rana said confidently. “Pollen gets stuck to bees’ legs when they fly from flower to flower. So naturally, if you were holding a bee, you’d probably get pollen in your eye, and you’d probably get stung in the process.” The fox-tailed woman chuckled.

  “Ohh, I’m afraid that’s incorrect,” the vexing god sang out in his high-pitched voice, and I sighed as the other women gasped.

  “What?” Rana’s mouth hung open in disbelief. “I-I don’t understand. Pollen is the only logical answer.”

  “No, it’s not.” Annalíse groaned as she rubbed her temples in frustration. “The riddle is a play on words as well as a play on the proverb, ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder.’”

  “What are you talking about?” Rana said as she scrunched her nose.

  “Yeah,” Carmedy chimed in. “I don’t get it.”

  “You’re holding the bee,” Annalíse continued her explanation. “So, you’re the bee-holder. Get it? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It’s a play on words. Remember, he said if I am holding a bee, what do I have in my eye? So, the answer is actually beauty, not pollen.”