Bigger, Badder, Nerdier

by Obert Skye

  “What does it mean?” Xen asked. “And why did she write and circle LAME in the corner?”

  Before I could answer, the car horn outside stopped honking.

  “Oh no,” Xen whispered.

  We dashed out of the bedroom and into the kitchen. We were opening the back door and looking to break out, when we heard: “Hold on there!”

  Xen and I froze.

  We should have dashed out, but we were trained to be scared of Darth Susan, and now as she barked out a command, we stopped without thinking.

  Xen and I turned around slowly and locked eyes with her. Whispering, I said to Xen …

  “What do you think you’re doing?” she asked loudly. “And stop whispering.”

  I opened my mouth to answer her, but before I could say anything, she threw out a few more words of her own.

  She stopped for a second to wag her finger at us. Then she continued.

  “I need people to believe that you are the real LAME,” Darth Susan growled. “Why did you come here? Is there an emergency of some sort?”

  We both shook our heads.

  “Then let’s get you out.”

  She pushed us through the back door and onto a small porch that was surrounded by barbed wire. She stepped out with us and shut the door behind her. I saw some Half-Deads in the distance, and the air was filled with the sound of dogs howling.

  “Don’t ever come to my house again,” she warned. “I’m having you do this for one reason only. And you visiting me isn’t the reason.”

  I had no idea what she was talking about. Darth Susan was acting like we were supposed to understand what was going on.

  “Are those your costumes, then?” she asked.

  We nodded.

  “Not bad. I’ve never seen those real troublemakers, but you look LAME to me. Did anyone see you tonight, Nerf?”

  I tried not to appear shocked. Darth Susan thought I was Nerf dressed up as LAME! Me and Nerf didn’t look anything alike, but apparently the costume was fooling her.

  “Did they see you?” she asked again.

  I shook my head.

  “That’s not good. We need people to see what you look like, so he’ll believe me. Why do you think I told the students to take pictures of you?”

  “But…” Xen started to say something. I elbowed him to shut up.

  “Where are the other two?” she asked.

  I tried to imitate Nerf’s LAME voice. “We’re going to get them now.”

  Darth Susan stared at me. “Are you okay?” she asked impatiently.

  “Fine,” I said in my Nerfiest voice.

  “Get going,” she insisted. “Try to act heroic, and remember: I’m going to need you to show up at the theaters tomorrow night to meet him.”

  “At the theaters?” I Nerfed.

  “Yes, at the theaters. And you need to drink something,” she complained. “It sounds like you’re getting sick.”

  I did a small fake cough.

  “Go.”

  Darth Susan made a noise that let us know she was disgusted with us. She turned around and went back into her house. Xen and I just stood there in shock. A moaning Half-Dead shuffled by us to the right.

  The two of us stepped off the porch and out the barbed-wire gate. We slipped around the side of the house and returned to the row of burnt bushes.

  Mindy and Owen were waiting there for us.

  “Thanks for coming to our rescue,” Xen said sarcastically.

  “We knew you were okay,” Mindy replied defensively. “Owen could hear everything. I can’t believe she thought you were Nerf. And what plan is she talking about?”

  “I don’t know,” I answered. “But for some reason, she has Nerf and his friends dressing up to get their pictures taken by Fanatics. And they’re going to be at the theaters tomorrow to meet someone.”

  All four of us were silent for a few moments as we pondered what this could mean. Eventually, Owen broke the silence.

  “Splimpt. I can hear Fanatics two streets over.”

  That was our cue to leave the Aspen Breeze Electric-Gated Neighborhood and make our way back to our houses.

  I had no trouble getting home. Unless you consider a government drone shining its light on me trouble.

  In this day and age, bossy drones aren’t a huge worry. They’re just another normal occurrence we have to deal with. They’re always shouting things at everyone.

  The drone followed me for a bit, making fun of how I ran. So I did some more funny running and headed down an alley and through a tunnel to lose it and make my way home.

  CHAPTER SIX

  Something’s Wrong

  I woke up the next morning and foraged for something edible to eat in my backyard. I found a couple of breakfast bacon weeds and two egg-shaped wild carrots.

  There was a little bit of food in the house, but I was tired of eating stale marshmallows and dehydrated crickets. Grocery shopping had been extra bad lately. My mom was coming home with stuff much grosser than usual.

  It was a new day, but my mind was still preoccupied with what had happened the night before. I wanted to know why Darth Susan was working with Nerf. It made me mad to think she was using LAMER to do her bidding. People didn’t know that wasn’t us. What if LAMER did something awful and turned the world against us? We’d have to go into hiding for the rest of our days.

  After eating my breakfast, I took a twenty-second government-sanctioned cold shower. Then I got dressed and headed to WADD. Owen met up with me as I was leaving my front yard.

  “I heard you getting ready,” he informed me. “So I knew you’d be coming out now.”

  “You listen to me getting ready?”

  “Yes, and I heard everything. Those dehydrated crickets really work a number on your digestive system.”

  It was not comforting to know that Owen could hear private things so well.

  When we got to WADD, we were both surprised to see four NPs standing in front of the security hole. There were two more standing by the flagpole. NPs are troopers for the government’s private army. They were recently sponsored by a ginormous company called NinCon, a conglomerate of nine companies that sell air and water to countries that need it. And since the whole world needs those things, NinCon is a very rich and powerful business—rich enough to sponsor an army.

  At first everyone called the troopers NTs because saying “NinCon Troopers” was too much of a mouthful. But the people who thought the NinCon Troopers were obnoxious began calling them NinCon Poopers, or NPs, behind their backs.

  Owen and I crouched behind a cement wall near the front of the school. The wall was half destroyed, but it provided a good place to hide and view the area.

  “Why are there NPs here?” he asked.

  “Maybe they’ve come for us,” Mindy said.

  We turned around and saw Mindy.

  “Why would they want us?” I questioned.

  “What’s happening?” Xen said as he arrived at the broken wall and knelt down next to Mindy. “Is this a meeting I wasn’t invited to? Because I’ve calculated the odds, and I’d be ninety-seven percent offended.”

  “No,” Owen told him. “There are NinCon Poopers in front of the school.”

  The four of us then watched as a steady stream of students went through the hole. The NPs just stood there looking stiff and aloof.

  “Maybe they’re here to help us feel safe,” Xen suggested.

  We all laughed.

  The government rarely wants us to feel safe. They just want us to go to work, go to school, and stay in our houses without causing them trouble.

  Xen nervously burped.

  “Well,” Mindy said with resolve, “we won’t find out why they’re here from here.”

  She stood up and stepped out from behind the wall. The rest of us did the same. Holding our heads up high and trying to look brave, we walked across the street, toward the front of the school. I looked around for something I could turn on or off with my ability if a fight broke o
ut. But there was nothing for me to turn on, and no reason to worry, because the NPs didn’t even glance at us as we walked past them and slipped through the hole.

  Inside the school, I saw two more NPs down the hall and three walking into the office. All the students were talking loudly and discussing the fact that our school had too much authority on hand today. I spotted a couple of Sox who weren’t sliding and a Goth who was trying hard to look uninterested in everything.

  When I got to my first-hour class, Mr. Upwonder wasn’t there yet, and an NP was standing at the front of the classroom. Everyone was sitting quietly in their seats. The NPs were not people to mess with. They kept the peace for the government by roughing people up and taking away what little freedom we still had.

  From two desks over, Owen coughed, and one of the NPs stared at him like he had just beaten up a high-ranking government official. Owen slid down in his seat.

  Finn the crier cried out.

  Ten minutes after the first announcement, the classroom door opened, and Mr. Upwonder came in. His face was pale, and he looked emotionally and physically confused. He nodded at the NP and then sat down behind his desk at the front of the room. Mr. Upwonder was one of the nicer Staffers. He at least tried to get along with the students at WADD. Lots of times he would begin class with a joke.

  The intercom crackled to life and everyone jumped. The crackling was followed by Darth Susan’s horrible voice.

  As usual, she was way off. Nothing about this morning felt good.

  “As your simple faces can see,” she continued, “there are NinCon Troopers here at the school today. In a few moments, they will begin escorting classes to the auditorium, where there will be a mandatory announcement. Obey all orders they give you, and be quietly grateful that your government has such a strong concern for your well-being. That is all.”

  The speaker snapped off.

  Our room was silent again. The NP at the front looked at all of us and sniffed aggressively. It didn’t make me feel grateful in the least.

  “Stand,” he ordered.

  Everyone obeyed, even Mr. Upwonder.

  “Follow me,” the NP barked. “Staffers in the rear.”

  After forming a single line, the entire class followed the NP out of the room. In the hall, other classes were following their NPs and quietly moving toward the auditorium. My stomach was not enjoying this. Not only did it feel like we were marching toward something horrible, but the breakfast weeds I had eaten were not agreeing with me. I wanted to dash off and escape, but I’m not sure my abilities were a match for the small legion of NinCon Poopers here today.

  We reached the assembly hall and were directed into our seats. I sat next to Owen. Mindy was one row in front of us, while Xen was one row back. I could see Nerf and his friends sitting together near the front row. They were dressed as themselves, not LAMER.

  Up onstage there were four empty chairs and a podium with a microphone. Normally, setting up the microphone was the duty of the AV Club. But nothing was normal these days.

  Once we were all seated, the NPs took their places at the end of each row, blocking us from getting up and leaving.

  The auditorium doors were then closed and locked.

  Middle school is hard. That’s just a fact. I’m sure even in the olden days, it was difficult due to homework and hormones and bullies and grades and boredom. But these days it is even worse. With things like wicked weather, wicked government, and wicked Fanatics, life can get unbearable. Now we had been herded into the auditorium and were being held captive.

  “I’m going to throw up,” Owen whispered.

  “Quiet!” the NP nearest us snapped.

  Darth Susan walked onto the stage and tookb a seat in one of the four chairs. I spotted Principal Woth hiding behind two heavy curtains at the back of the stage.

  A gaggle of NPs marched onto the stage and stood near the edge, looking out at the audience. They all had on their official yellow helmets and deathly serious expressions. A senior NP entered and walked up to the podium. He checked his watch three times, as if waiting for a certain time to arrive. I spotted Finn the crier—he was sitting in the front and not saying a word. I had never heard our school so quiet.

  The senior NP stared at his watch for at least two more minutes before he finally looked up and spoke:

  None of us felt good about what was happening.

  “Once the announcement is made, you will all remain in your seats,” the NP continued. “No standing, no moving, and no disorder. Any disobedience will be dealt with accordingly.”

  The senior NP removed a tablet from a leather bag and turned it on. He held the large tablet up to the microphone on the podium.

  The tablet began to play the SUSDSA irrational anthem, the music piped through the microphone filling the room with added dread.

  “… what so proudly we cower under the Fanatic last screaming. And the selfies flash bright, there is little reason to fight. Just hide in your homes till you’re told to hide elsewhere.”

  With the music playing, it was now obvious what was about to go down. We were going to be addressed by the president of the SUSDSA, President Flake. It had happened a few times in my life, and it was never good. It had never happened quite like this, though. Usually, drones would just shout things down at everyone.

  The irrational anthem stopped playing, and President Flake’s face appeared on the tablet screen.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  The Announcement

  I wanted to roll my eyes, but I knew that the government was working on anti-eyerolling technology, and I didn’t want to risk being caught.

  I looked around, wondering who was hoarding all the peace and prosperity. My life certainly didn’t have an excess of it. I was also curious if anyone was buying what Flake was selling. No disrespect to the president, but everyone knew he was awful. He was only the president because the one before him had given up when the job got too hard. Flake never seemed to do anything to help anybody. He just stayed in the Blight House, making dumb laws and sending out drones to enforce them.

  My carrot-and-bacon-weeds-filled stomach tightened with fear.

  “After much complicated and secret negotiation,” he continued, “and with some clandestine activity, I am finally pleased to announce that your government has come to an agreement with the Fanatics.”

  Everyone gasped.

  “It required great effort, but we have done it. We have made a fourth Sand Throwers movie, based on the fourth book, Gritty.”

  My heart stopped beating.

  I couldn’t believe it. I would have been less surprised if the king of New Kansas had stopped in and given us all corn tanks. There was going to be a fourth movie? The terrible third movie was one of the main reasons the world had become so messed up.

  The place erupted in cheers and excitement.

  It took a load of loud, threatening orders from the NPs to get things quieted down. President Flake had kept silent, letting the news sink in all over the world, but now he was talking again.

  There was more chaos. The NPs pulled out their fear horns and blew until we were all forced to plug our ears.

  President Flake continued. “We recognize that one of the few problems we have not been able to solve is the Fanatics. So, in a historic attempt at achieving peace, we are reaching out to them. A treaty has been signed, and it was agreed that in exchange for a well-made fourth movie, they will stop their reign of annoying terror. This movie has everything they’ve ever wanted: excitement, cuter actors, better dialogue, and a satisfying conclusion to Ky-Ryder’s emotional problems. It will help usher in a new decade of peace and stability for the entire planet.”

  I glanced around.

  Everybody looked excited—even the Goths were smiling. The only people who appeared nervous were me and my friends. There had to be a connection to what Darth Susan was up to and the release of the fourth movie.

  Flake talked on. “There will be major punishments for anyone who seeks to
disrupt things or spread chaos as we prepare for the movie’s release. The film will not be shown if the peace treaty is broken in any way. Your local officials will issue further instructions as needed. So stay calm and remember: If you don’t, we’ll make you.”

  The screen with Flake’s image flashed once and then went dark.

  Everybody wanted to discuss what the president had said, but we weren’t allowed to. The NPs ordered all of us to stand up. We were then ushered back to our classrooms.

  Sadly, the NPs didn’t leave. They stayed at our school to make sure that everything remained oppressive. I couldn’t talk to my friends or go to the Geek Cave, because there were way too many eyes watching. At lunch the NPs’ stares made everyone uneasy.

  My last class was Apocalyptic Economics 101, and our teacher, Ms. Fitz, read us the official peace treaty that President Flake and the leader of the Fanatics had signed. The document basically said that all Fanatics would behave if the government’s movie made up for the faults of the third one in the series.

  After reading the treaty, Ms. Fitz went into the boring economics of our time.

  I didn’t care what gash plus laceration equaled. I only cared about the time. I needed the school day to end so that LAME could gather and discuss our course of action. But instead I was stuck learning about how to properly add painful things and how to invest in spears and wheat.

  Ten minutes before class was over, the speaker on the wall crackled and hummed to life. Darth Susan’s Vader voice filled the room.