Bigger, Badder, Nerdier

by Obert Skye

  I followed the glowing poop trail until I spotted her.

  Darth Susan was slipping between a crowd of Fanatics standing in line and the outside wall of theater twelve. She glanced around to see if anyone was watching.

  Then she moved on.

  Carefully I ran to theater twelve and past the one hundred and seventh section of the line. I had to move fast not to lose her. On the other side of theater twelve, there were more tents, and more people, and more NPs. And in the distance, I saw the back of Darth Susan.

  This was not the time to be working alone.

  I took out my phone and texted Mindy while I followed Darth Susan. After hitting Send on my phone, I worked my way a little closer to our suspicious school secretary. She slipped down an alley between theaters fourteen and fifteen.

  I slipped through after her.

  The alley was long and emptied out into an open space at the rear of the theater compound. I could see a field that was covered with piles and piles of comfortable old movie seats the government had taken out. The rows of chairs were piled up and covered with dirt and weeds.

  I took out my phone to text Owen and Xen, but there was a problem.

  “Cratch,” I swore in Elf.

  The government always delivers bad news in twos. That way when people get angry, they give us back one of the things and trick us into thinking we’ve won. My guess is that they ran out of cheese and knew that would tear us apart. So they took away our Wi-Fi for a moment. When they give us back the Wi-Fi, we’ll be so happy that we won’t complain about the cheese.

  I wasn’t too broken up about the cheese, because government cheese isn’t easy to digest. It does things to your body that are embarrassing and uncomfortable.

  Stepping between piles of old seats, I searched the dark field for Darth Susan. There was no more glowing poop. I needed Owen and his glowing eyes.

  “Owen,” I whispered into the dark, hoping that wherever he was, he could hear me. “It’s Tip. I’m back behind theaters 14 and 15, and Darth Susan is here somewhere. It would be great if you guys could come quickly. Oh yeah, sorry about the cheese.”

  Owen loved government cheese, and I knew he’d be bummed about the bad dairy news.

  I was about to sit down on one of the abandoned seats and wait for my friends, when in the distance, across many mounds of old chairs, I saw a small door open and a faint glow light up the area. I couldn’t see what building the door was attached to, but I saw the silhouette of Darth Susan. She stepped inside, and the door shut.

  Everything was black again.

  “Come on, Tip,” I said in an effort to psych myself up. “You can do this.”

  I crept across the field, moving cautiously through the dark. I tripped a couple of dozen times before reaching the building Darth Susan had entered. It was made of brick, and from what I could see, it was tall.

  I rubbed my hands over the building and found the door.

  Locked.

  Normally a locked door would be a problem, but this door had an electronic lock. I thought of it being open, and there was a soft whirring noise followed by a crisp click. Taking two deep breaths, I attempted to calm my nerves.

  “Owen,” I whispered aloud. “Where are you guys?”

  My hearing wasn’t super, but I could imagine that wherever Owen was, he was probably crying about the cheese and not listening to me.

  I pushed down the lever and opened the door just a little. Light spilled out from the opening like white glue, and I had to take a moment to let my eyes adjust.

  Cautiously I stuck my head in the door. It was a large warehouse crammed with movie sets and props that the government used to make its propaganda movies. Some theater compounds around the world had secret studios, and apparently our theater was one of them. The government said the movies they made weren’t political, but I don’t think anyone believed that. Last year they released a movie called Indiana Jones and the Importance of Obeying Your Leaders. I hated it, but Xen thought it was okay.

  I pushed the door open some more and slunk inside. I took off my pollution mask and breathed in.

  The warehouse smelled old and dusty.

  I walked past a row of big roman columns and a fake mechanic’s garage complete with fake cars and fake floors. A set next to it was decorated like a castle, and there was a huge painting of palm trees that was as large as a wall.

  After winding halfway through the stuffed warehouse, I finally heard someone talking and popped back behind a fake refrigerator in a fake kitchen near a fake bathroom.

  “I promise you they’re coming.”

  The voice belonged to Darth Susan. I couldn’t see her from behind the fridge, but I could see the boy she was talking to.

  “Yes, Milton,” Darth Susan said. “But only because you keep telling me that.”

  “Why did you want to know what day the movie was being released?” he asked her.

  “Let’s just say it’s important to my retirement.”

  “I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone,” he rambled on. “Not a soul. Just like I’m not supposed to tell people that each theater around the world will be receiving their copies of the movie on a flash drive that will be delivered by drones. The one for this theater compound arrives at ten a.m. on the day of the movie.”

  “That’s great,” Darth Susan said. “I only needed to know what day.”

  “And I only need to meet up with your friends.”

  “Don’t worry, they will show up. They do what—”

  Darth Susan was interrupted by the sound of something stomping toward them from the opposite direction.

  “Here they are now,” she said smugly.

  I couldn’t see who was coming, but I saw the Milton kid getting excited.

  “Yes!” he cheered. “Yes.”

  I tried to see what was happening, but from where I was, I had no real view.

  “We’ve arrived!” a voice announced.

  They were still out of view, but I knew it was Nerf and his friends—LAMER had arrived.

  “Great dusty widgets!” Milton cheered.

  “Miton,” Darth Susan said, “this is LAME.”

  My face burned with anger and sicktitude. These lame impostors were like a dumb dream that wouldn’t go away.

  I needed to see more.

  Quietly I dropped to my hands and knees and crawled across the fake kitchen to the fake bathroom. I crouched behind a big clawfoot bathtub and looked up over the rim. I could see everyone now—Darth Susan, Milton, and all the wannabe LAMEs.

  “Thank you so much, LAME,” Milton groveled. “First off, it’s a pleasure to meet all of you. I’ve heard stories about you. And let me say, I am a big fan.”

  “Right,” Milton agreed. “Well, I know it’s a long shot, but I’ve always dreamed of playing a superhero in a movie, and my chances would be much better if I had some actual experience. So I was hoping—well, my aunt said maybe you’d let me be a fifth member of your group for a while?”

  Nerf looked at Darth Susan and then back toward Milton. “I think we could use a fifth member.”

  I suddenly wanted to use the fake toilet nearby to do some real vomiting. I didn’t know which was worse: Nerf casually letting people join their group, or Milton repeatedly saying “great dusty widgets.”

  “So, you’ll teach me how to be a superhero?” Milton asked Nerf. “You’ll show me everything you know?”

  “We will,” Nerf replied. “But first you…”

  I didn’t know what Nerf was going to say, and I blew my chance of finding out by deciding to change my position. As I shifted my body weight, my right hand slipped and I fell forward, causing me to whack my forehead against the edge of the bathtub. I’d like to say I was so tough that I didn’t scream, but that would be the opposite of what really happened.

  I saw stars and my head violently throbbed.

  Darth Susan and Nerf turned and spotted me.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Whisked Away

  I
wasn’t sure what to do. I wasn’t even sure if I was doing anything wrong. I was in a government warehouse, spying on my school secretary and her nephew. Sure, that’s weird, but was it a crime? And what could an off-duty school secretary do to me? Still, my instincts told me to run. So I jumped up and dashed off in the direction I had come.

  Nerf, Mud, Weasel, Millie, and Darth Susan ran after me, shouting.

  I wanted to use my mediocre powers to snap off the lights, but then I wouldn’t be able to see where to run. There was no way I could escape Nerf and his stooges. They were all Jocks, who prided themselves on their ability to run fast and pummel people. I was a member of the AV Club and prided myself on things like brainpower and hiding.

  Hiding!

  I’d been so busy running away that I had forgotten about my ability to hide. It wasn’t one of my LAME gifts, but it was pretty lame, and I was gifted at it.

  Twisting right, I juked and dashed behind the giant palm tree painting. Then, as quickly and clumsily as I could, I rolled under a fake log near a fake beach.

  I thought of all the lights in the building going off, and instantly they did.

  The sound of everyone crashing into things as the sudden darkness surprised them was more satisfying than I had anticipated. Their screaming was loud and contained a few words that the government had banned and usually sent drones out to initiate punishment.

  I tried to be completely still. I only needed to stay hidden until everyone went away. Bringing my knees to my chest, I pulled myself into a tighter ball and scooted as far under the fake log as possible.

  I was planning to keep still forever, but my plans were altered when someone grabbed my collar and ripped me out from under the log and up onto my feet.

  “I got him,” Nerf declared.

  A flashlight clicked on, and its beam shone directly into my eyes.

  “Mr. Dover,” Darth Susan said as she held the light. I couldn’t see her face or expression, but knowing her like I did, I was sure that neither one of those things was pleasant.

  “What do you think you’re doing?” she demanded.

  “Yeah,” Nerf said. “What gives?”

  I held a hand up over my eyes to block out the beam of light.

  “I was looking for a bathroom,” I lied. “And got lost.”

  “Ha,” Nerf said, laughing. “What a nerd. You can’t even go to the bathroom right.”

  “Quiet,” Darth Susan told him. “Why would you look for a bathroom in here, Tip?” She sounded suspicious. “And why did all the lights go out?”

  I was nervous, but without missing a beat, I said, “I was wondering the same thing about the lights. I came in here because all the government bathrooms outside have long lines. I was hoping there was a vacant one in the building. When I saw LAMER … I mean LAME, I couldn’t help spying. They’re…” It made me sick to say it, but I had no choice. “They’re my favorite.”

  “Of course we are,” Nerf said. “Everyone wants to look at us.”

  “Quiet,” Darth Susan ordered her hench-boy. “You shouldn’t be in here, Mr. Dover. I’m afraid it’s not safe. Your bladder and curiosity are going to be the death of…” She paused for a moment before asking suspiciously, “Wait a second, what’s that in your pocket?”

  She moved the flashlight down, and I could see that some of my LAME mask was sticking out of my pocket. Instantly my pits began to sweat.

  “It’s my handkerchief,” I lied. “I have allergies.”

  “Right,” Darth Susan said. “And why are you dressed all in black? Let me see what that is.”

  I panicked. “It’s my handkerchief and it’s seriously gross. I’ve had a really snotty cold.”

  “I deal with you middle schoolers all day,” she said. “I’m used to disgusting things.”

  There was no way I could show her the mask, but my options were limited. I couldn’t turn off her flashlight and run, because then she would know I had powers. Plus, Nerf was holding me by the collar.

  “Hand it over,” she said forcefully.

  I stuck my hand into my pocket while imagining what people would say at my funeral.

  I was done for—the jig was up. Thanks to me, LAME was about to be exposed, and our lives would never be the same again. The government would perform tests on us and shave our heads and put us in cages until they figured out how to harness the power of our mediocre gifts.

  I gulped nervously. Then there was a loud clap, and the flashlight went flying backward across the room. Nerf and I went sailing in reverse and hit the floor hard.

  I couldn’t see anything, and my ears were ringing. There was a brief flash of light. I felt myself being yanked by Nerf. He pulled me up and backward as Darth Susan and the others screamed things I couldn’t understand.

  Nerf dragged me away from the commotion and back in the direction I had come from earlier.

  There were more flashes of light, and I finally realized it wasn’t Nerf who was pulling me—it was Owen! I stopped struggling and began to run with him.

  “What took you so long?” I yelled.

  “I’m not used to this superhero stuff,” he replied through his government mask.

  We reached the door, and as we ran outside, I saw that Mindy and Xen had been running with us the whole time.

  “Hey, you two are here!”

  We sprinted at full geek-speed until we were completely out of the theater compound and safely hidden back at Owen’s house. It was nice that there was no adult supervision on hand to bust us for being out. But there was a part of me that wished someone older and wiser could help us understand what the heck was going on and what we should do next.

  Yes, a wise voice would be helpful because our problems now seemed much larger than our current grade level.

  We notified our parents that we were going to have a sleepover at Owen’s, and then none of us even tried to sleep. It was more of a worry-over. We kept expecting Darth Susan and LAMER to show up and storm Owen’s house. Plus, our brains were working overtime to figure out what was going on.

  We knew that Darth Susan was having the Jocks dress up and pretend to be us. We knew that she had something planned for the movie’s release day.

  I told them about what I had overheard in the theater warehouse and how the movie would be delivered by drone tomorrow at ten.

  “So, what does it all mean?” Mindy asked.

  “It makes me uneasy,” Xen admitted. “I…” Xen burped, and the force of it knocked him across the room and onto one of the couches near the kitchen.

  “Right,” Mindy agreed. “We have the gift of living in a time when things are so rotten that we don’t have to worry about things getting worse.”

  Mindy had no idea how wrong she was.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  Something’s Missing

  When morning rolled around, we debated about even going to school. But we knew that the clues and answers weren’t here in Owen’s house or waiting in the line for Gritty. They were at WADD, where Darth Susan was.

  The four of us were getting a bit punchy. You never knew when you’d have to hide in uncomfortable places for long hours or fight Fanatics all night. Or if we could make it through the day without sleep.

  So, we took turns cleaning up in Owen’s bathroom. He let us each have fifteen seconds of sink water to clean whatever we needed. He even allowed us to use a bar of soap he had been hiding in case there was another soap shortage and he found himself in need of emergency personal hygiene.

  When it was time for school, we headed out, acting as if we were prepared to take on the day. We didn’t pass anyone walking to school—not a single student, Staffer, or NP. And once we reached Otto Waddle, the security hole was open and unmanned.

  We crawled through the hole and discovered that the halls of our school were almost as deserted as the streets of our unfair city. I saw a couple of members of the Antisocials clique hiding behind some lockers, hoping not to stand out. I also saw a few Old-Schoolers. They were a cl
ique that wanted nothing to do with anything that involved technology. They didn’t use tablets or phones and thought electricity was a gateway luxury that led to things like indoor plumbing and ovens.

  Tyler was also there sweeping the floor with a broom that was so dirty it was leaving a muddy trail as he swept.

  “Hey, Tyler,” I said. “What gives?”

  He stopped smearing mud on the floor and looked at us. “In my day, children didn’t call adults by their first names,” he said. “It was disrespectful to do that.”

  “Sorry,” I apologized. “But I don’t know your last name.”

  “And I would never tell you. You think I want you to steal my identity and all the personal trash I’ve amassed?”

  “Okay, then,” Mindy said nicely. “Do you know why the school is so empty?”

  “The movie,” he said. “Everyone’s in line. I wanted to go, but no, the janitor doesn’t get to do things that fancy middle school students do.”

  “We aren’t in line,” I pointed out.

  Tyler started whistling and walked off.

  At that moment, Darth Susan came driving around the corner in her HTV. She pulled up in front of us and glared at me.

  “You caused a mess of trouble at the theater last night, Tip,” she cooed. “Such a boob.”

  “I—I—I—”

  She interrupted my stammering. “Save the excuses, sweetie. And now look, you’re here instead of waiting in line. So sad. You four don’t even have the social skills to attend what is going to be the social event of the year. Coming to school while all your … not friends … not classmates … oh yeah, people who are about your age and live in the same area are having fun at the theater.”