At first glance, enduring dissatisfaction might seem like the opposite of hedonic adaptation. In hedonic adaptation, we maintain our habits and stability; dissatisfaction, for its part, triggers a restless search for better alternatives. Let’s remember, however, that hedonic adaptation is more an obstacle to intense happiness than to hopeless misery. Thus, the two tendencies act in the same direction: both prevent us from being too satisfied or too happy. Similarly, enduring dissatisfaction should be considered in light of positive mood offset. Being dissatisfied reduces the risk of becoming indifferent while resting on our laurels. Dissatisfaction, which includes experiencing failures and unpleasant circumstances, spurs the meaningful development that is the bedrock of enduring romantic love.
Concluding Remarks
I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.
STEPHEN BISHOP
Emotions can be understood from the point of view of cause—that is, a significant change in our situation—and from the angle of their major concern, which is personal and comparative in nature. Acute emotions are unstable, intense, partial, and brief. Understanding acute, extended, and enduring emotions enables us to speak about long-term emotions. The dispositional presence of emotions—that is, their potential to be repeated, actualized, and developed—is vital for the possibility of lasting love.
Diverse emotional experiences contribute to the cultivation of complex, deep, and meaningful love. Emodiversity is associated with higher mental and physical health, as it gives us more room in which to understand and interact with our romantic environment. This extends to the reciprocal relationship between partners who experience romantic diversity, when each can appreciate and love the other as a complete person. In long-term profound love, partners acknowledge each other’s complexity and intrinsic value. Their romantic environment is experienced as highly differentiated, thus leaving room for conflicting emotions or loving different people at the same time and in different ways. It also makes space for activities that promote caring, reciprocity, and nurturing of the beloved and of oneself.
Three major mechanisms responsible for our emotional balance and the feasibility of enduring affective attitudes are hedonic adaptation, positive mood offset, and enduring dissatisfaction.
3
Romantic Experiences
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
JOAN RIVERS
Moving along from our second stop, emotional experiences, we turn down the road to romantic experiences: physical attractiveness and praiseworthy traits and achievements, sex and friendship, romantic intensity and profundity, and the heart-head conflict. We conclude with a discussion of two basic philosophical models of romantic love—caring and sharing.
Attractiveness and Praiseworthiness
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
WINSTON CHURCHILL
Falling in love and staying in love are highly related to (a) attractiveness, and (b) praiseworthiness of desirable traits and achievements.
Attractiveness is a kind of magnet that draws one person to another. It generates an immediate emotional reaction that triggers a desire to establish a connection. Romantic evaluations of a partner tend to be more positive when the partner is physically attractive. In new romantic relationships, attractiveness almost always plays a starring role. Its importance, however, decreases as the relationship matures. Although physical attractiveness is central in romantic relationships, mainly in the short term, attractiveness is more general, indicating the wish to be with the partner also in the long term. Thus, people with a good sense of humor were rated as more attractive, and viewed as more suitable long-term partners compared to more serious counterparts.1
Praiseworthiness involves complex evaluations of the partner’s traits and achievements that go beyond the mere wish to spend time together. Praiseworthiness takes into account qualities that we cherish (including those underlying attractiveness). Love is certainly more than mere physical attraction; it includes a general, positive evaluation of the person—the kind that is central to friendship.
Falling in love and staying in love require both attractiveness and praiseworthiness. Everyone has his or her own scale for weighing these aspects, and the scales change depending, for example, upon where one stands in life. But if these two features do not reach a critical weight, a romantic relationship is unlikely to develop. While attractiveness and praiseworthiness are interdependent, it is useful to tease out these differences in a romantic attitude. First and foremost, attractiveness pulls for connection: that’s why we notice it immediately. Admirable traits, by contrast, take more time to identify.
Many of us have had the frustrating experience of unsuccessfully trying to love the “right” person. This common feeling brings home in a powerful way the importance of attractiveness in love. Then, there is the equally familiar experience of being attracted to beautiful people until the moment they open their mouths to speak. This helps us feel deeply the importance of praiseworthy traits in love. A physically attractive woman might want to be loved not merely for her attractiveness but also for her abilities and personal traits. A less attractive woman might wish the reverse: that her beloved values her external appearance as much as he does her kindness or wisdom. She would be offended if her partner said, “You are rather ugly, and I am not sexually attracted to you, but your brilliant brain compensates for everything.”
Some people would like to change the relative weight of one of the basic evaluative patterns—not in terms of the beloved’s attitude toward it, but regarding their own attitude. Thus, some people wish that they could attach less significance to physical attraction, recognizing that it is less valuable in the long run. Others might wish the opposite: that their love would be more spontaneous and less calculated; they wish that they could attach more weight to physical attraction. Thus, Nora Ephron said, “In my sex fantasy, nobody ever loves me for my mind.”
We mentioned above that these two basic evaluative aspects of love work in tandem. In what ways? Attractiveness has a great impact on the appraisal of our partner’s traits. There is much evidence suggesting that attractiveness significantly influences ratings of intelligence, sociability, and morality. The “attractiveness halo” is a common phenomenon in romantic relationships. In this phenomenon, someone perceived as beautiful is assumed to have other good qualities as well. Nancy Etcoff claims that although most people would say they do not believe that “what is beautiful is good,” preferential treatment of beautiful people is extremely easy to demonstrate, as is discrimination against the unattractive. Beautiful people are treated better and viewed more positively: they find sexual partners more easily and are more likely to be treated leniently in court and to elicit cooperation from strangers. Conversely, physical unattractiveness leads to major social disadvantages and discrimination.2 However, as Troy Jollimore has written, “It is rare that anyone ever loves someone else purely because she is beautiful, and if there were such a case we would consider that a very shallow love (and a very shallow person).”3
The “personality halo” works in a similar manner, but in the opposite direction. In this phenomenon, highly praiseworthy qualities, such as wisdom, caring, kindness, sense of humor, and social status, make people seem more appealing. Consider, for instance, sexual desire, which is mostly based on attractiveness. Having sex appeal is influenced by other qualities relating to the beloved’s praiseworthiness—for example, class, race, odor, looks, height, power, resemblance to past lovers, intellect, history of Pavlovian conditioning, risk of AIDS, current mood, and so forth. People who can provide us with social status, such as the rich, the famous, and the powerful, will generate more intense sexual desire and sexual satisfaction. The admiration for these people spills over into the sexual realm and enhances our sexual enjoyment when being with them.
Sexiness and Beauty
You are so beautiful, to me . . . You’re everything I hope for,
You’re everything I need.
JOE COCKER
I think being sexy is far more important for love and sex than beauty; and it is also quickly identifiable. If I see an unsexy pretty man, I can appreciate his looks, but I don’t feel sexually attracted to him. This happens often, not just to me, not just to women. I’d like to think of myself as both sexy and good-looking.
A MARRIED WOMAN
Both sexiness and beauty enhance romantic attraction. Which one is more important? And which one is more positively received? The answer is . . . complicated.
Is Being Sexy More Important Than Being Beautiful?
She was too beautiful to be kind, Too fine to be good in bed.
ROGER CICERO
There is definitely something sexy about a girl with an attitude and a pair of leather pants.
ELIZA DUSHKU
Most of us are pretty sure that we know “beautiful” when we see it. As a matter of fact, scholars, who like to nail these feelings down in words, talk about beauty as pleasing the senses, especially sight. A colleague of mine once said about beautiful people that they are the ones who, when you walk past them in the street, you stop walking, mutter “Wow,” and look back at them. Their beauty calls out for a second glance, almost forcing you to stop and pay attention. As the common expression goes, “I can’t take my eyes off you, you are so beautiful.”
“Being sexy” has to do with interaction; “being beautiful,” however, has to do with the person him/herself. The word “beautiful” has a broader meaning than the word “sexy.” It is often used to describe something internal. You might want to spend the night with a sexy woman; you might want to marry a beautiful one. Beautiful is deeper than sexy. Sexy is often associated with being “hot”—that is, the heat is felt by the perceiver. Being beautiful, by contrast, can be associated with being “cold,” which implies some distance from the perceiver: one might like to gaze at it but hesitate to touch it and give it a proper place in one’s life.
We hear this clearly in Roger Cicero’s song, quoted above. There he says that the beautiful woman was too beautiful to be kind and good in bed. She was also too thin to eat much, too chic to watch TV, and too conceited to be a great sport. Being too conceited fits the notion that profound love might stand in need of friendship as its component. Beauty is a cool-minded thing. It is not warmhearted. It does not invite one to settle “without fear and trembling.”4
Being beautiful is associated with being passive, accepting the situation as it is, and lacking an active wish to improve it. Compatible with this view, it has been found that politicians on the right look more beautiful; indeed, more attractive individuals are more likely to report higher levels of political efficacy, and identify as conservative. A major explanation of this is that good-looking people enjoy preferential treatment, which makes their overall situation better. Hence, there is no reason to actively seek changes in the current situation, which is the main characteristic of being conservative.5
Naturally, sexual attraction goes further than just staring, as it prompts the individual to act as well. It increases your action readiness and pushes you toward actual joint interactions. In this sense, being sexy is indeed more conducive to initiating a romantic bond than being beautiful. People are more likely to approach a sexy person than a beautiful one. Being sexy is seen as a kind of invitation, while beauty is distancing. Indeed, Roger Scruton argues that “beauty comes from setting human life, sex included, at the distance from which it can be viewed without disgust or prurience.” He further suggests that “our attitude towards beautiful individuals sets them apart from ordinary desires and interests, in the way that sacred things are set apart—as things that can be touched and used only when all the formalities are addressed and completed.”6
Although sexuality is limited to the romantic realm, being sexy depends upon having other positive characteristics. Thus, it has been claimed that confidence, honesty, talent, brightness, and good manners are all very sexy. This is in accordance with the aforementioned “personality halo,” in which praiseworthy qualities boost one’s attractiveness.
Nonetheless, beauty is still broader in range than sexiness—it can be related to many areas of life. Thus, we speak about beautiful personalities and beautiful landscapes—and not about sexy personalities or landscapes. People tend to agree more about judgments of beauty, too: sexiness is strongly dependent on personal and cultural differences. Reflecting the greater universality and value placed on beauty, if given the choice, most of us would choose to be thought of as beautiful over being thought of as sexy. Sexiness, however, certainly has its place: it is superb lighter fluid for the romantic flame.
Thirst, Sexual Desire, and Romantic Love
One of the best things for a woman to hear is that she is sexy.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Have you ever thought of comparing the desire to drink a glass of water with sexual desire? Scruton has. He argues that in the first case, you are not seeking a specific glass of water—any glass of water will do. Moreover, after you drink the water, your desire is satisfied, and it applies only to the past. Scruton claims that this is the normal nature of our sensuous desires: they are indeterminate (lacking in particularity), directed toward a specific action, satisfied by that action, and brought to an end by it. In his view, sexual desire is a completely different story. It is determinate: there is a particular person whom you want. People are not interchangeable as objects of desire, even if they are equally attractive; and each desire is specific to its object, since it is a desire for that very individual.7
I agree with Scruton that sexual desire is different from the desire to drink water. Nonetheless, I would argue that while profound romantic love is indeed completely different from our sensuous desires, sexual desire falls somewhere in between thirst and love on the scale. Profound romantic love is indeed about a particular person: the beloved is not interchangeable, and the loving attitude is specific to the beloved. However, sexual desire differs from both thirst and romantic love. It is determinate in a way that thirst is not, but not in the way that love is. It is not merely that you can satisfy your sexual desire by replacing it with another person, as such a replacement usually increases sexual desire. The objects of sexual desire are not indifferent to the vessel—as is the case with drinking water. Still, there are many people who can satisfy this desire.
The Impact of Time on Being Beautiful and Sexy
Beauty is all very well at first sight; but whoever looks at it when it has been in the house for three days?
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
As long-term love is an ongoing experience, the relationship requires other types of activities for its enhancement. A crucial kind of attraction in this regard is the yearning to be with one’s lover. Such yearning makes you think about the beloved even when this person is not with you. This is the kind of attraction that shines in profound love. The first impressions generated by the attraction to beauty, and then by sexual desire, are not sufficient for maintaining this attraction, as both decrease with time. In this sense, their value is more superficial than the desire to be together. Time is a thief, not only of beauty but also of sexual desire. So, we should focus on the more profound aspects that are so relevant for lasting love.
Beauty is a marvelous asset in a romantic relationship. However, if it is not accompanied by the desire for sexual, and other, joint activities, it will be of little romantic value and will remain only in the aesthetic realm. For a lasting loving relationship, the desire to have sex with your partner must develop into a general desire to be together for a lengthy period. Would you prefer to be considered beautiful or sexy? Most people would say, “Both!” When push comes to shove, however, as beautiful is broader and deeper than sexy, most people would choose beautiful. Again, most—but not all.
If the term “beautiful” were limited to physical appearance, many people would prefer to be regarded as sexy, thereby increasing the probability of more dynamic and warmer i
nteractions. Similarly, at the beginning of the relationship, when joint activities are most crucial for creating the romantic bond, most would choose to be seen as sexy. Understanding that sexiness stems from behaviors allows for the possibility of making sexual desire more intense, which is a big plus in romantic relationships. It’s less likely that we can somehow become more beautiful. We don’t need to fix ourselves to increase our sex appeal; we just need to “fix up” our attitudes and behaviors.
It may, then, be the case that Justin Timberlake was onto something in declaring, “I’m bringing sexy back.”
Sex and Friendship
It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.
FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD
Sex is the icing on the cake of friendship.
UNKNOWN
Friendship is not an emotion but a personal relation that is essential in enduring, romantic flourishing. Friendship, which is based on shared history, often increases over time—unlike sexual desire, whose intensity diminishes over time. Basic features of friendship, such as mutual support, intimacy, and shared activity, all develop over time.8 Friends care about each other and consider the other to have an intrinsic value, though friendship can also have an instrumental value. The intimacy of friendship means that friends will feel closer to each other than colleagues will. Colleagues can meet more often than friends, but it is in a friendship that we reveal ourselves and express commitment. We are willing to do more for those within our circle of friends and family than we are willing to do for those outside of it. Love and friendship develop through time spent together and through shared experiences and interactions.9
The Arc of Love Page 5