The Arc of Love
Page 34
The reader will note that I feature more anonymous quotations from women than from men. This is nothing more than a reflection of who tends to approach me to discuss these issues—women, it seems, are more likely than men to discuss matters of the heart with me.
I dedicate the book to my beloved wife of more than thirty years, Ruth. Whenever she hears people introducing me as an expert on love, she nods in agreement and says, “Yes, he is indeed very good in theory.” Ruth also likes to tell the story that after her parents met me for the first time, they offered to sponsor a lengthy trip abroad for her—alone. I am forever grateful to Ruth for rejecting her parents’ generous offer and for her endless support and love.
My late brothers Avinoam and Yehuda had a tremendous impact on my personal behavior and my views concerning emotions and love. In its own way, this book constitutes a memorial candle for them.
Notes
Chapter One
1. The quotation from Tom Robbins is cited in Solomon 1988, 13.
2. Ben-Ze’ ev and Goussinsky 2008.
3. Jeffrey Jensen Arnett, The Clark University Poll of Emerging Adults, December, 2012, http://www2.clarku.edu/clark-poll-emerging-adults/pdfs/clark-university-poll-emerging-adults-findings.pdf.
4. Baumeister and Bratslavsky 1999; Berscheid 2010; Brewis and Meyer 2005; Buss 1994; Call et al. 1995; Finkel et al. 2015.
5. O’Leary et al. 2012.
6. Acevedo et al. 2012.
7. Finkel et al. 2015. See also Perel 2007.
8. Proulx et al. 2017; Lorber et al. 2015; Birditt et al. 2012.
9. Ben-Ze’ ev 2000, 2017b.
10. Spinoza (1677) 1985, IIIp6; IIIdef.aff.; Vp39s. The above characterization refers merely to what Spinoza terms “passive emotions”; it does not refer, for example, to the intellectual love of God.
11. See, e.g., Nussbaum 2001, 42.
12. Amodio and Showers 2005; Finkel et al. 2015; Watson et al. 2004.
13. McNulty et al. 2008.
14. Gilbert and Wilson 2007; Roese and Olson 2014.
15. Gilovich and Medvec 1995.
16. Roese and Summerville 2005.
17. Carstensen 2006.
18. See, e.g., Esch and Stefano 2005; Kansky 2018.
19. Myers 2000.
20. Lawrence et al. 2018.
21. Sprecher 1999, 51.
22. Mogilner et al. 2011.
Chapter Two
1. Frijda 2007, chap. 5; Helm (2009) 2017; Nussbaum 2001; Taylor (1985) 2017.
2. Kahneman and Miller 1986.
3. Ben-Ze’ ev 2000, 23–31; Oatley 2018, 47–51.
4. Ben-Ze’ ev 2004; Yee 2014.
5. Solomon 1988, 262–71.
6. Frijda et al. 1991.
7. Ben-Ze’ ev 2017a; Ben-Ze’ ev and Krebs 2018; Frijda 1994; Frijda et al. 1991.
8. Beedie et al. 2005; Ben-Ze’ ev 2017a; Krebs 2015, 2017a, 2017b; Parkinson et al. 1996.
9. Furtak 2018, 103–21.
10. Parts of this section were written together with Luke Brunning; see Ben-Ze’ ev and Brunning 2018.
11. Gaver and Mandler 1987.
12. Quoidbach et al. 2014.
13. Ortega y Gasset 1941, 43, 76–77.
14. Grossmann et al. 2016.
15. Ajzen 2001; de Sousa (2007) 2017; Greenspan (1980) 2017.
16. See, e.g., Frijda 2007.
17. Ben-Ze’ ev and Goussinsky 2008.
18. Baumeister et al. 2013.
19. Ben-Ze’ ev 2017a.
20. Frederick and Loewenstein 1999; Frijda 2007; Lyubomirsky 2011.
21. Diener et al. 2015.
22. Gilbert and Wilson 2000; Irvine 2006.
23. See Russell 1930, 15; Kenny 1965, 102.
24. Del Mar Salinas-Jiménez 2011.
Chapter Three
1. Fugère et al. 2017; Meltzer et al. 2014; McGee and Shevlin 2009.
2. Etcoff 1999, chap. 1.
3. Jollimore 2018.
4. I am grateful to Sonja Rinofner-Kreidl for bringing this song to my attention.
5. Berggren et al. 2017; Peterson and Palmer 2017.
6. Scruton 2011, 164, 57.
7. Scruton 2011, 44.
8. Helm 2010.
9. Krebs 2015.
10. Baumeister and Bratslavsky 1999; Cacioppo et al. 2012; Meyers and Berscheid 1997.
11. Martin 2018, intro.
12. Kashdan et al. 2018.
13. McNulty et al. 2016.
14. Sudo 2000, 66–69.
15. Ben-Ze’ ev and Krebs 2018.
16. Birnbaum 2017.
17. Birnbaum 2017; Birnbaum et al. 2016.
18. Elster 1999, 91.
19. Brogaard 2015, 83; de Sousa 2015, chap. 4; Morag 2016, 2017.
20. See, e.g., Frankfurt 1999; Helm 2010; LaFollette 1996; Sobel 1990.
21. Fromm 1956, 26.
22. Levinas 1998, 105, 228–29.
23. Buber (1923) 1937; Krebs 2015.
24. Krebs 2002, 2009, 2014a, 2015, 2017a, 2017b; see also Sherman 1993.
25. Nozick 1991, 418, 421.
26. Girme et al. 2014; Määttä and Uusiautti 2013.
27. Ellison et al. 2010.
28. Dwyer et al. 2018.
29. See, e.g., Fredrickson 2013a; Helm 2010, chap. 8.
Chapter Four
1. Higgins 1997.
2. Girme et al. 2014.
3. Baumeister et al. 2001.
4. Baumeister et al. 2001; Ben-Ze’ ev 2000, 99–103.
5. Gottman 1995; Saad and Gill 2014.
6. Jonason et al. 2015.
7. See, e.g., Aristotle, Metaphysics 1048b18ff., 1050a23ff.; Nicomachean Ethics 1174a14ff.
8. Krebs 2015; Rosa 2013, 141–44.
9. Nussbaum 1986, 326–27.
10. Csikszentmihalyi 1990, 53.
11. Ben-Ze’ ev and Krebs 2018; Ben-Ze’ ev 2017a.
12. Kahneman 2011; Sloman 1996; see also Oatley (2010) 2017.
13. Scitovsky 1976.
14. Armenta et al. 2017.
15. Drigotas 2002; Drigotas et al. 1999.
16. Finkel et al. 2014.
17. Rinofner-Kreidl 2017.
18. Valdesolo et al. 2010; see also Reddish et al. 2013; Valdesolo and DeSteno 2011; Wiltermuth and Heath 2009.
19. Reis and Clark 2013, 400.
20. Birnbaum et al. 2016.
21. Birnbaum et al. 2016.
22. Birnbaum et al. 2016.
23. Reis and Clark 2013.
24. See, e.g., Coburn 2001; Fredrickson 2013b; Krebs 2014a, 2014b, 2015; Mühlhoff 2019; Rosa 2016.
25. Oxford English Dictionary, online ed., s.v. “resonance.”
26. Mühlhoff 2019.
27. Scruton 1997, 357–59.
28. Krebs 2009.
29. Aristotle, Nicomachean Ethics 1157b10–13.
30. May 2011, 154.
31. Ben-Ze’ ev and Krebs 2015.
32. McNulty et al. 2013.
33. Rosa 2016.
34. Ben-Ze’ ev and Goussinsky 2008.
35. Neff and Karney 2005.
Chapter Five
1. Rinofner-Kreidl 2018.
2. Karney and Coombs 2000.
3. Ben-Ze’ ev 2000, 21–23; Kahneman and Miller 1986.
4. Ben-Ze’ ev 2000, chap. 5.
5. Papp 2009.
6. Halpern-Meekin et al. 2013.
7. Binstock and Thornton 2003; Halpern-Meekin et al. 2013.
8. Byrne and Murnen 1988.
9. Bauman 2003.
Chapter Six
1. Baumeister and Leary 1995.
2. Baumeister and Leary 1995; see also Lambert et al. 2013
3. Baumeister and Leary 1995.
4. Krebs 2014a, 2015.
5. Coontz 2005, 15, 18.
6. Bruckner 2013, 27.
7. Finkel 2017; Finkel et al. 2014.
8. Finkel 2017.
9. Proulx et al. 2017; see also Anderson et al. 2010; Birditt et al. 2012; Gray and Ozer 2018.
10. Proulx et al. 2017; see also Birditt et al. 2012; Lavn
er et al. 2012; Lorber et al. 2015.
11. Finkel 2017.
12. Ben-Ze’ ev and Goussinsky 2008.
13. Landau 2017.
14. Helm (2009) 2017; Kolodny 2003; Velleman 1999.
15. Landau 2017.
16. Jollimore 2011; Nozick 1991.
17. Ben-Ze’ ev 2000, 61–62.
18. Buss et al. 2017.
19. Buss et al. 2017.
20. Ben-Ze’ ev 1993, chap. 4; Ben-Ze’ ev 2000, 57–59; Ben-Ze’ ev and Krebs 2015; Gigerenzer 2007; Kahneman 2011.
21. Russell 1968, 195–96; cited in Irvine 2006, 14–15.
22. Ben-Ze’ ev and Krebs 2015.
23. Benjamin and Agnew 2003.
24. Stanley et al. 2006; Rhoades et al. 2012.
25. Binstock and Thornton 2003.
26. Kulu and Boyle 2010; Lillard et al. 1995.
27. Rosenfeld and Roesler 2018.
28. Ben-Ze’ ev 2000, chap. 10; Ben-Ze’ ev 2016.
29. Ben-Ze’ ev 1992, 2016; Gressel 2016. The dictionary definition of “inequality” comes from Merriam-Webster Dictionary, s.v. “inequality.”
30. Prins et al. 1993.
31. Bruch and Newman 2018; Smith and Kim 2007; Whelan 2006.
32. Sprecher et al. 2006.
Chapter Seven
1. Ben-Ze’ ev 2011.
2. Mitchell 2002, 39, 41; Perel 2007.
3. Bauman 2003; Rosa 2013.
4. Baker et al. 2017.
5. Grossmann et al. 2010.
6. Halbertal 2012.
7. See, e.g., Impett and Gordon 2008; Whillans et al. 2016.
8. Shulman et al. 2006; Gottman and Levenson 2000.
9. Goodin 2012. In contrast to his highly positive characterization of settling, Goodin’s description of compromises is negative. I disagree with Goodin’s assumption that every compromise is compromising oneself, since every compromise deals with principled concerns. As we have seen, compromises admit of degrees, and their evaluation differs in different contexts.
10. Solomon 1990, 150.
11. Gutmann and Thompson 2012.
12. For more details of this story, see my post in Psychology Today, “My husband was not the most romantic of my loves,” March 3, 2013.
13. Galinsky et al. 2002.
14. Yougov study in the UK, 2014; https://yougov.co.uk/news/2014/09/29/marriage-first-love-deepest/.
15. Forste and Tanfer 1996.
16. Simon 1979.
17. Frankfurt 1987, 39–41; see also Frankfurt 2004.
18. The survey was done by the site Make Friends Online, and was published November 27, 2007.
Chapter Eight
1. Frank 2006.
2. Gottman 1995.
3. Brown 1987, 24–30; Frankfurt 1987.
4. Eastwick and Hunt 2014, 729.
5. Page 2017.
6. Gigerenzer 2007.
7. Sunnafrank and Ramirez 2004.
8. Barelds and Barelds-Dijkstra 2007.
9. Ben-Ze’ ev 2004.
10. Kraus 2017.
11. Gottlieb 2010, 245–48.
12. McNulty et al. 2008.
13. Finkel 2017.
14. Finkel et al. 2012.
15. Rosenfeld and Thomas 2012.
16. Finkel et al. 2012.
17. Korey Lane, “Help, I can’t stop hooking up with Trump supporters,” Glamour, September, 8, 2017.
Chapter Nine
1. Greene 2001.
2. Clanton 1984, 15.
3. Ben-Ze’ ev 2004.
4. Fisher 2004, 8; see also Fisher 2010.
5. See, e.g., Becker 1973; Heino et al. 2010.
6. Lindquist and Kaufman-Scarborough 2004.
7. Merriam-Webster Dictionary, s.v. “obsession.”
8. Muise et al. 2016.
9. Schwartz 2004, 93.
10. Schwartz 2004.
11. Thaler and Sunstein 2009.
12. Lyubomirsky et al. 2005.
13. Oishi et al. 2009.
14. Peele and Brodsky 1975
15. Ackerman et al. 2011; Harrison and Shortall 2011; the survey was conducted by YouGov for eHarmony, 2013.
Chapter Ten
1. Both quotations used here as section epigraphs are from Marta Meana’s research and are cited in Martin 2018.
2. Wentland and Reissing 2011.
3. Deitz 2016.
4. Muise et al. 2013; Day et al. 2015.
5. See, e.g., Whillans et al. 2016.
6. Dew and Wilcox 2013.
7. Brogaard 2017, 56.
8. Portmann 2013.
9. Portmann 2013 On generosity and generosity to oneself, see also Nussbaum 2016.
10. Dutton and Aron 1974.
11. Hakim 2012.
12. Scruton 1986, 78–82.
13. Diener and Chan 2011.
14. Diamond and Huebner 2012.
15. Meltzer et al. 2017.
16. Muise et al. 2014; Floyd et al. 2009.
17. Muise et al. 2014; Danovich 2017.
18. Hahn et al. 2012.
19. Ben-Ze’ ev 2004.
20. Toulmin (1981) 2017, 89–90.
21. Schneider et al. 2012.
22. Sumter et al. 2017, 67.
23. Cacioppo et al. 2013.
24. Hakim 2012.
25. Deresiewicz (2009) 2017.
26. Amichai-Hamburger and Schneider 2014.
Chapter Eleven
1. Lyubomirsky 2013.
2. Carmichael et al. 2015.
3. Carstensen 2006.
4. Carstensen 2006.
5. Charles and Carstensen 2002.
6. Charles and Carstensen 2010; Birditt et al. 2018.
7. Ben-Ze’ ev and Goussinsky 2008.
8. Bar-Nadav and Rubin 2016.
9. Rubin et al. 2012.
10. “How soon is too soon to find love after being widowed?,” Mail Online, July 10, 2010.
11. Shavit et al. 2017.
Chapter Twelve
1. Proulx et al. 2017.
2. Kipnis 2003, 12.
3. Ben-Ze’ ev and Goussinsky 2008.
4. Shaw 1952.
5. Hakim 2012, 3.
6. Parts of this section were written together with Luke Brunning; see Ben-Ze’ ev and Brunning 2018.
7. Anapol 2010; Perel 2017; Deri 2015.
8. Fredrickson 2001.
9. Aron et al. 2013, 95–98.
10. Barker 2018.
11. See, e.g., Conley et al. 2018; Rubel and Bogaert 2015; Wood et al. 2018.
12. I owe this point to Jacob Gray.
13. I owe this point, as so many others, to Angelika Krebs.
14. Brunning 2018; Brunning 2019; Sheff 2014.