All I Want For Autumn

by Clare Lydon

  “Let me just email him and tell him I’m not going to get this stuff done. No doubt he’ll burst a gasket, but at least I won’t be able to hear it: one perk of working from home.” Holly gave her a tired smile as she put her coffee on the floor and tapped her keyboard.

  “Go ahead.” Tori held up an M&S carrier bag. “There’s plenty of time, because tonight, for your amusement, I’m going to attempt to cook you a meal.” Tori held up one finger. “And not just any meal. No, tonight I’m attempting one of your favourites: Thai green chicken curry.”

  Holly’s eyes widened. “Are you feeling okay? Have you been taken over by aliens?”

  Tori laughed: her lack of kitchen prowess was legendary, but she’d whipped up some simple dishes over the past month because she’d had to, what with the normal chef being laid up. And now, with Holly still down in the dumps, Tori had decided to branch out in an effort to perk her up. She hoped Holly would be cheered by food, and not by the haphazard theatre of her cookery.

  “I’m feeling invincible,” Tori said, flexing her bicep to prove it. “Tonight, you’re going to experience gastronomy beyond words.”

  “I am?”

  “Totally. Trust me. I’ve watched enough of those Jamie/Gordon/Nigella shows over your shoulder. Some of it must have sunk in, right?” Tori dumped the bag on the kitchen counter and produced a bottle of Chablis, waving it at Holly before putting it in the fridge.

  “Wine, too?” Holly hadn’t been feeling much like alcohol of late, what with all the drugs she’d been on.

  “I decided a glass wouldn’t kill you.”

  Holly laughed. “A glass is probably okay. It might even be kind of nice.” Holly’s face softened at the thought, and Tori melted.

  She went and sat beside Holly, kissing her lips again. “You’re gorgeous, you know that?”

  “And you’re trying to get me drunk so you can seduce me?” Holly raised an eyebrow.

  Tori held up both palms in protest. “It never crossed my mind,” she grinned.

  “One glass,” Holly said, nudging Tori with her elbow.

  “One glass,” she agreed. “And when I give it to you, you’ll be raising it to my cooking skills.” Tori paused. “Now, email your boss, then we can concentrate on having a lovely evening with a world-class curry.”

  Chapter 7

  Two weeks later and Holly’s step-mum Sarah drove over to see her. A year ago, that would have been unthinkable, but things were very different from a year ago in so many ways. Now, Sarah had even become a friend, which Holly would never have predicted when Sarah had married her dad. Plus, she’d played a part in giving Holly her baby sister, Elsie, too.

  They decided to drive to the park to keep Elsie amused, and to let Valentine have some peace and quiet. Plus, it was good for Holly to get some fresh air. She was getting out of the house occasionally for short walks to the shops, but it was still slow going. For someone used to moving at 100mph, her lack of mobility wasn’t easy to get her head around.

  “How you feeling?” Sarah asked, as they sat down on a bench in the playground while Elsie jumped in the outdoor ball pit. She kept disappearing, then jumping up, her face alight every time she appeared.

  Holly shrugged. “Getting there.” Her wounds were covered with fresh bandages, but the metal fixator was still drawing stares, even though today it was covered with black, wide-legged trousers.

  Sarah looked straight ahead, her dark red hair blowing onto her face. “It’s not easy getting over anything like this, you know.” She paused. “I should know, believe me.”

  “I know you do.” Sarah had suffered a brain tumour seven months previous, and was still getting over that. Holly and Tori had helped out looking after Elsie and checking in with Holly’s dad, but it was Sarah who’d had to piece her life back together, just like Holly was doing now.

  And, as Holly was beginning to learn, nobody else could do the job but you.

  “People asking how you’re feeling are well meaning, but they really don’t want the truth.” Sarah turned to face Holly. “But I understand, so you can tell me what’s going on.”

  Holly flexed her toes in her right trainer and concentrated on Elsie. Telling someone how she was feeling might be more than she was up to: she wasn’t sure herself. “I don’t know,” she said. “I feel… not myself. Like I’m living someone else’s life. I’m not getting work done, and I feel like I’m being a burden to Tori, a really bad girlfriend.”

  Sarah laughed. “A bad girlfriend? Try being immobile and having no clear vision for three months. Can you imagine how I felt? Like the worst wife in the world.”

  “But you had a brain tumour, everyone would understand that.”

  Sarah raised an eyebrow. “And you were in a near-fatal crash, everyone would understand that, too.”

  Holly shuffled her shoulders. “It’s not quite the same thing.”

  “Whether you believe it or not, it is.” Pause. “Look, bottom line is, you have to accept your accident and move on. Accept that life has changed, that you’ve changed. You’re a different person now, but not one who’s any less loveable. You’re still you — still Holly — it’s just your life has been coloured with a big experience. The trick is to accept it and start living again.” She paused. “But you seem like you’re afraid to start living again.”

  Holly shrugged. What could she say to that? She’d come out of hospital with a drive to turn her life around, to use this experience as a springboard. But instead of that, it seemed like she was heading backwards at a steady but unstoppable pace, disappearing into a void with no forward gear in sight.

  “Are you afraid?” Sarah’s eyes were kind. “Wait there,” she said, as she got up to get Elsie out of a ballpit. Holly watched her half-sister laughing as Sarah kissed her head, then deposited her in a swing and began to push her. She beckoned Holly over.

  “So?” Sarah asked again, as Holly hobbled over.

  “Higher, Mummy!” Sarah obeyed, smiling at her daughter. “Smile, Lolly!” Elsie demanded. Holly did what she was told, too: when Elsie demanded, you complied.

  “Am I afraid to start living?” Holly asked. “No, just maybe a bit freaked out by it all. I’m normally in control of things. But I’m not in control of my healing and it’s taking its own sweet time. My body is on a different schedule to my mind, but even my mind is faltering. I’m failing at work, and I don’t fail at work. Ever.” She paused. It was true, she never had before, not once. “And yes, I know I’m not failing as a girlfriend, but that’s how it feels.”

  Sarah smiled. “It is, but don’t lump it all in together — that’s more fatal than your accident. It’s the easiest thing in the world to blame it for everything that’s gone wrong in your life, but don’t. You have to stand up to it, fight to get your life back. I’m still fighting. You just have to keep going and hope you’ll get back to normal. Or, as I’m thinking now, maybe this is my new normal, and that’s okay, too.” Sarah shrugged. “But if you want control of your life back, it’s there for you to take. Just don’t try to control what you can’t — that’s a losing game.”

  Holly furrowed her brow: Sarah sounded like one of those self-help posters her aunt used to put on her walls. “Have you been listening to country music again?”

  Sarah let out a sharp bark of laughter. “Ha! Guilty as charged; that, and reading a ton of self-help books. There’s not much else to do when you have a headache for six months and you can’t walk out of a room without crashing into a doorframe. Staying still proved to be my best option for a long time, and if I did that, I needed to keep myself amused.”

  “I never knew.” Guilt washed over her. Poor Sarah — and her dad.

  “Why would you? I didn’t shout about it, I was too exhausted.” She put her hand on Holly’s. “One thing, though: talk to Tori, tell her how you feel. She’s probably wondering what she can do to help you. Be honest with her, she’s the one person you can be honest with. Talk to her, promise me?”

  Holly nod
ded. Perhaps Sarah was right. “I promise.”

  “Lolly, look!” Elsie shouted. “On swing!”

  Holly grinned at her sister. “You’re so clever. You must take after your mother.” She gave Sarah a grin.

  Sarah returned it right back. “Course she does, don’t you, sweetie?” Pause. “By the way, weren’t you complaining about your job before the accident, anyway? Wasn’t your new boss an idiot?” Sarah furrowed her brow as she asked.

  Holly nodded, gripping the handles of her crutches tighter. “He is — but I came out of the accident determined to make it work, not to let him get to me. But I just haven’t been able to keep up. I’m going into the office a bit now, but it’s not the same. I’m not sure it ever will be.”

  “Maybe the accident was a sign. Everything happens for a reason.”

  “Even being knocked down and nearly killed?”

  Sarah shrugged again. “Why not? Maybe it’s time to get a job that fits around the new you. Ask yourself: could I find kinder people to work with to make myself feel better? Because it sounds to me like you needed to do that even before the accident.”

  Holly rolled that around in her mind. “Tori’s been saying this to me for a while now, too.”

  “And let me guess, you’ve been ignoring her?”

  Holly’s insides heated up when Sarah said that: she still hadn’t told Tori how much she appreciated everything she’d done, and she certainly wasn’t listening to her suggestions. She was too down in the dumps to listen to most people, especially her nearest and dearest. But somehow, Sarah had broken through the veneer. She knew what to do, now she just had to act on it.

  Chapter 8

  Tori’s mum was in London for the day shopping, something she did a couple of times a year. They were meeting, as they always did, at the Cafe Rouge near Tori’s work, having an early dinner before her mum headed home. They ordered and the waiter brought their glasses of wine straight away. Tori took a too-big gulp, almost choking as it went down. Her mum gave her a look, but said nothing.

  “So, a successful shopping trip I take it?” Tori eyed her mum’s bags — there had to be at least six.

  “Lovely — perfect time to come. The kids are back at school, college isn’t quite back, so it’s perfect. And you know, the London shops just have such a better range than ours in Oxford. I got loads of stuff. I’m going to look like a new woman for the new term — lots of gorgeous autumnal colours.”

  Her mum was a professor at Oxford, something that always made Tori proud. “I’m sure you will,” she replied.

  “Got a lovely new blouse from Monsoon — just what I was after.”

  Tori smirked.

  “What?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Why are you smirking?”

  Tori grinned. “Nothing, just you said ‘blouse’. Nobody says ‘blouse’ anymore.”

  “What do they say, then?”

  “Shirt, Mother.”

  Her mum waved her hand. “Shirt, blouse, what does it matter? You know what I mean.” She studied Tori’s face before continuing. “And how’s the patient?”

  Tori pursed her lips. “She’s fine: an impatient patient, but fine. She wants to be well again just like that, but the fixator’s not coming off her leg for another six weeks at least.” She shrugged. “So, you know, she’s being very Holly about it. Things aren’t running to her schedule, so she’s a bit fraught.”

  Her mum reached over and stroked her arm. “And how are you coping?”

  Tori took another slug of her wine: it tasted delicious. “I’m okay, but it’s a lot to take on. I’m trying to be positive and upbeat, as well as doing all the cooking, cleaning, running around — Holly’s pretty immobile and a bit down.” Pause. “And don’t get me wrong, I completely understand why, but I just wish she’d relax and let me take care of her, not fight me every step of the way.” She sighed. “It’s actually nice to be out of the flat drinking a glass of wine — I don’t feel like I can drink too much at home, what with Holly not drinking at the moment.”

  “You look like you’ve lost weight.”

  “That’s the one silver lining,” Tori said with a smile. “Which is why I felt like I could order the steak.”

  “You can order what you like, you daft thing.” Her mum licked her lips. “You know, if you need a break, I can come and help out at the weekends — I don’t mind. Even if it’s just to take you out for lunch and a glass of wine.”

  “Thanks, but I’m hoping Holly might be up to doing that soon. Sarah came over today and they went to the park, which was good. She’s only been walking to the shops, but she could do more. It’s better to keep moving — better for her mental health as well.”

  “Don’t forget your mental health, too.”

  Tori sighed: her mum was looking out for her, and that felt good. All the focus had been on Holly since the accident, which was exactly right, but the impact on Tori had been huge.

  “I know. Sarah stayed on and made dinner for them all at the flat today, which was lovely. I think it’ll be good for Holly to talk to her, after what she’s been through. A positive role model and all of that.”

  “I should think so. But just remember, you need to take care of yourself, too. You’re no good to Holly if you’re working flat out during the day, and every evening, too. You need some downtime as well.”

  “And I’m getting it. We’re burning through Netflix series at a rate of knots. That’s one plus side of not going out so much.”

  “Good to hear you’re looking on the bright side,” her mum replied as the food arrived. “Oh, your steak looks delicious. I might have food envy.” The waiter deposited a plate of sea bass in front of her mum, and a juicy steak and chips in front of Tori.

  “I might let you have a bite if you’re good,” Tori replied. “And I know we’ll get through this, and as soon as the fixator is off, she’ll be less edgy. I understand it. I just miss her, that’s all. I miss us and how we used to be.” A fleeting thought of them having sex in the tent in Brighton flashed through her mind.

  “I’m sure she misses you, too. You should talk to her, ask her how she’s feeling.”

  “I know, and I will. But it’s far easier to watch Netflix.”

  Her mum gave her a look over her sea bass. “Relationships are based on good communication, don’t forget that. That’s how your dad and I did it from day one.”

  Her mum was bringing out the big guns. “I know,” Tori replied. “I’ll talk to her.”

  Chapter 9

  The more Holly tried to make her job work for her, the more Sarah’s words kept echoing in her ears: was this what she really wanted? She’d given the company nearly six years of her life since graduating, and if she was going to leave, she wanted to do it on her terms. So she’d decided she wasn’t going to give in to Gordon’s jibes, no matter how piercing they became. Her team were on her side, it was just a shame her manager wasn’t. It was November now, and working in recruitment, she knew this wasn’t the time to jump ship. She’d stick it out and try to make it work, and if it didn’t, she’d make a move in the spring, when the russet and golden leaves were long gone.

  Right on cue, Gordon sauntered up to her desk and tilted his head towards his office. “Can I see you for a minute?” No pleasantries: they were superfluous to Gordon.

  Holly followed him, rolling her eyes over his expensive suit as he sat down opposite. Gordon was a good-looking man with a square jaw and piercing eyes the colour of spring meadows. However, his sour personality offset his looks by a country mile, crushing them into the floor until they were nothing but grey dust. He had an ugly spirit.

  “So, you know your staff quotas are down this month, and you’re behind with all your reports?”

  Anger bubbled up and her leg tweaked. She’d had the fixator taken off the previous week, just over three months since the accident, but she was still using crutches, along with punishing bouts of physio to heal the muscle wastage. “That’s because you set th
e quotas so high.”

  “As good managers should. You were hitting all your previous targets with ease, you needed something to aim for. I’ve given you that.” Gordon’s gaze drifted past her shoulder, almost as if he’d lost interest in this conversation before he’d finished having it. “You should be thanking me — your team is out-performing itself by 50 per cent on what it was doing.”

  Holly shook her head: thanking him, was he nuts? “Yet they’re all demoralised and I’m spending 50 per cent of my time giving them pep talks and buffing them up. They know the targets aren’t reachable, that they won’t hit their bonuses, and I wouldn’t blame them at all if they went for a job elsewhere. If you want to lose all your best staff, you’re going about it in exactly the right way.”

  Gordon furrowed his brow and sat forward, rubbing his hands together over his cluttered desk. If his desk was a reflection of his mind, Holly wouldn’t want to look at that, either. “Your job as the manager is to keep staff on-board and motivated. If you can’t do that, perhaps you’re the one who needs to move on.”

  “Is that a threat?” Rage rumbled through her.

  “Just think about what it is you want to do. You’ve lost your mojo since the accident — I’m struggling to see the supposed recruitment superstar that I was promised when I took on this job. You were the one who was meant to deliver big results, yet it’s just not happening, is it?”

  “You just said yourself the team is up 50 per cent!” Holly’s voice was raised now, as were her hackles. How dare he criticise her and her staff who were all doing a brilliant job for apparently no credit or reward. “I’m not sure what more they could do, Gordon.”

  “They could all stop bleating about not getting respect from me and start performing at the level I want. Maybe then they’d get the respect they so want, and they’d get the money, too. Respect has to be earned, it doesn’t just magic itself up overnight.”

  He couldn’t see the irony of his words, which was just terrific. Holly sat up straighter, a shard of pain ricocheting around her body as she tried to find a comfortable position: she knew she was going to fail even before she started. This was why she much preferred working from home: the stress of the office environment simply wasn’t good for her body.