All I Want For Autumn

by Clare Lydon

  “I’m not going to do it, don’t worry,” Holly mumbled. “It was just a sudden rush of blood to the head.”

  “On top of everything else, you’re a bit too big to carry down the hill,” Tori said, putting an arm around her. “Come on, let’s go sit down.”

  She led Holly over to one of the park’s many wooden benches and she manoeuvred herself into a sitting position, before glancing over at Tori.

  “Sorry.”

  “No need to be. You just need to learn to be patient.”

  “Not my strong point.” Her physio kept telling her she was doing well, but it wasn’t well enough for Holly.

  “I’m aware.”

  They stared out at the bare trees in front of them for a few minutes before Tori spoke again.

  “I know you’re frustrated with everything, but I want you to heal properly. You can’t rush this, no matter how much you want it.”

  “I know.”

  “You know what else?”

  “What?”

  “We’ve been together nearly a year — it’s two weeks today till our anniversary.” Tori paused. “Remember going up that hill and me telling you I wanted a girlfriend?”

  Holly smiled, despite herself. “I remember, how could I forget? And you did that stupid profile on that dating site.”

  “If I was doing it now, I’d be using Babe Magnet, wouldn’t I?”

  Holly laughed. “You would.” She let Tori put an arm around her, pull her in, shield her from the outside world. It felt good to be held, be loved. No matter what, Holly never doubted that with Tori.

  “I feel like we haven’t talked since you’ve been home — you’ve been off in your head, dealing with this.” Tori picked up Holly’s hand and kissed her knuckles. “And I know Gordon’s not making it easy, either, but you have to talk to me, tell me what you’re thinking.”

  Holly didn’t turn to look at her, just stared straight ahead. She hadn’t spoken to Tori because she wasn’t sure what she needed to say, and until she was sure, what was the point? Pre-accident, she had a career, she was headed somewhere; now, she was more convinced by the day she was on the wrong road and needed to take the next exit, or else risk getting stuck in a jam that might last months, maybe years.

  “I don’t know what to say.”

  “Try something, anything,” Tori said. “You first, then I’ll tell you my news.”

  Holly sat up, sensing a diversion tactic. She’d give anything not to have to talk about it. “You have news?”

  “Yes, but you first. Tell me about your week, tell me how you felt when you woke up this morning, tell me about the pain and what it feels like.” Tori paused. “Tell me how you feel when you come to that crossing when we leave the house. Because I know how I feel and I replay that moment like a bad movie every single time I walk past it. And every time, I feel like I shouldn’t have distracted you, I shouldn’t have asked you to get me some chocolate, I should have just let you walk across the road and then maybe you’d have seen that car and maybe we wouldn’t be where we are now.” Tori let out a long, low breath.

  Holly shook her head and took Tori’s hand in hers, running her fingers over her knuckles now. “It wasn’t about me seeing the car from what I know,” she said. “That car wasn’t stopping for anyone.” Holly looked up, then down again. “As for the rest… I’m confused,” she said. “I’m not happy at work and my body’s still not right, so neither is my mind. I know I must be horrible to live with.”

  “You’re not.”

  “Don’t lie — but I’m trying to work through it.” She paused: she wasn’t lying. She really was trying to work through it, but it was just taking far longer than she thought. Way longer. “I’m really pleased for Trudi and Shauna with their news, don’t get me wrong, but their lives are going on fast-forward now, whereas mine seems to have stalled.”

  “Temporarily.”

  “Yes, but it’s still stalled,” Holly replied. “And you’re doing well in your job.” She trailed off. “I just feel left behind.”

  “You’re not being left behind.”

  Holly shrugged. “You asked me how I felt and now you’re refuting everything I’m saying?” She exhaled. “I know how I’m feeling, even if it’s not what you want to hear.”

  “Sorry,” Tori replied. “But your relationship is fine, your home is fine, so you can’t have everything going well at once — everyone knows that law. Get happier in yourself and your body will heal.”

  They sat staring for at least a minute before Holly spoke again. “Anyway, that’s mainly why I haven’t spoken, because I knew what was going to come out.” She turned to face Tori, the pain in her left leg a constant. “What’s your news?”

  Tori’s face went through a number of emotions Holly couldn’t quite pin down before she spoke. “My news,” she said hesitantly. “My news is that… I don’t quite know how to say this, so I’m just going to come right out and say it.” Tori cleared her throat before continuing, letting out a long breath. “Trudi’s sort of offered me a job at Babe Magnet as their marketing guru. Nothing’s definite yet, but if their funding comes through, which is 99 per cent certain, then it will be definite.” She bit her lip as she assessed Holly’s face. “I haven’t said yes yet and we can totally talk it through — it’s an us decision, not a me decision.” She paused. “And believe me, I know this isn’t an ideal time, and while there’s a big part of me that thinks this is a dream job, the thought of leaving you kills me. I would have jumped at the job, but it comes with a lot of ifs and buts.”

  “And the job’s in San Francisco?”

  Tori nodded. “Yep.”

  Holly’s stomach was working overtime now, tying itself in knots. Her first thought was to tell Tori not to go, but she knew that was selfish, and she knew she had to be supportive. It could be a great opportunity, but she really wasn’t sure where that left the two of them.

  Tori continued: “But that’s just to start with. I mean, I’m not moving over there for good, but if I took it, I’d be there for at least three months, maybe longer.”

  Holly’s mind buzzed with questions, but she couldn’t form any words. This was the worst possible timing, but then again, maybe it was her just desserts for being such a mess, such a grump over the past few months.

  Maybe some space is what they needed — maybe Holly could really sort herself out then, without feeling like such a burden to Tori. It’s not what she would have chosen, but maybe a bit of space would mean Tori would miss her, and she could get herself back on track. Until she did, their relationship was in a holding pattern.

  “So what do you think?”

  Holly stared at her, her eyes glassy. Her chest heaved up, then down before she spoke. She was determined to be upbeat for Tori, despite how she was really feeling. “Honestly, I think it’s amazing — it’s a brilliant opportunity. Doesn’t mean I’m happy about the thought of losing you, though.”

  “You’re not losing me.”

  “Kinda feels that way. We’ve been so distant lately, and now you’re leaving the country. I’m not sure what to think.”

  “It’s got nothing to do with us, it’s just coincidence. We’re us babe, you know that.”

  “I used to.” Now, with everything suddenly thrown into the air, she wasn’t so sure.

  “Don’t say that.” Tori’s face was pained.

  Holly sighed. “I’m just feeling melancholy today. But really, it’s good news, I know that. Great for your career. I’m pleased for you.”

  “I haven’t said yes, yet.”

  “We both know you can’t turn this down. Sure, you haven’t committed to Trudi yet, but in your heart you have.”

  Tori leaned forward and kissed Holly’s hand. “I don’t want to go without you. Maybe you could give up your job and come out, too? They might need you out there, seeing as you might be the face of Babe Magnet. The thought of being without you doesn’t sit well with me at all. ”

  Holly let that thought roll acros
s her brain, before she shook her head slowly. “This is your opportunity, not mine, I can’t just tag along for the ride. Plus, I already told Trudi, I’m not sure I’m up for modelling.”

  “I think you should reconsider.”

  “Besides, I’ll probably still be in physio when you go. When will that be?”

  “I don’t have a job yet, so let’s not get ahead of ourselves. No flights booked, nothing.” Tori paused. “Plus, I’m sure they have physios out in San Fran. I hear they have electricity and plumbing and everything.”

  Holly raised a smile at that. “Ha ha.” She leaned back on the bench and shook her head. This was not what she’d expected when they’d set out today. Tori was leaving her to go and work in another country: could her life be any more messed up right now?

  But whatever was going on in her head, she put it aside for now, instead placing a hand on Tori’s knee. “Seriously, I’m pleased for you. This is the break you’ve been waiting for. Have you told Sal?”

  Tori shook her head. “Not when nothing’s confirmed.”

  “Do they know when it might be?”

  “I dunno.” Tori sighed. “My other news is that Sal did give me an interim bonus for an account that’s really doing well, so I thought I might book a hotel for a short break with the money — a little treat for us both, and to cheer you up, too. No planes, no exes, just us. What do you think?”

  Tori was grinning at her, and Holly could only do the same back. “I’d say that sounds ideal,” she said, taking Tori’s chin in her fingers. “I love you, have I told you that lately?” And I don’t want to lose you, but she didn’t say that bit out loud because that’s not what Tori wanted to hear.

  Tori shook her head, her eyes glowing. “You haven’t. But I’m glad, because I love you, too. And remember, nothing’s definite yet, and we’ll make any decisions together, okay?”

  Holly nodded. It was sweet of her to say, but if this went through, she knew she ran the risk of losing her — and that thought clogged her mind with dark foreboding.

  Chapter 12

  A new week, and a new Holly was striking out, determined to make this the one that changed things. After their chat on the hill, the lines of communication were back, if not quite fully open. On top of that, her step-mum Sarah had been on the phone giving her a pep talk just when she needed it. Sure, she still had crutches, but she was going to try to use them sparingly on the journey to work today.

  Half an hour later and she’d achieved her goal, getting in on time through the brisk November winds: the best result she’d had since the accident. Buoyed, even Gordon calling her into his office didn’t faze her.

  “You’re looking strangely happy this morning,” he said, smiling at her. Perhaps this was what Holly had needed to do all along — smile at him and then he’d smile back. What a simple solution.

  “I am happy — I feel like I’m turning a corner with my leg.” Holly beamed at him, and he gave her a worried smile in return.

  “That’s great to hear.” He paused, still looking puzzled. “And I just wanted to let you know that the new client is really thrilled with all the candidates you sent their way — the best bunch he’s had in years he told me, so we’ve secured their business for the rest of the year.”

  “Brilliant,” Holly replied. And it was — her team had worked hard on that account, and it was great Gordon was letting her know. Maybe her chat with him had made the difference and he was turning a corner, too. Maybe she wouldn’t have to start looking for another job, after all.

  “I just wanted to let you know, in the spirit of being the ‘new Gordon’,” he told her, putting ‘new Gordon’ in finger quotes. “You see, I can be just as huggy as you.”

  “Huggy?”

  “Technical term.”

  “If there’s one adjective I’d use to describe you, it wouldn’t be that.”

  “What would you use then?” he asked, leaning back in his chair. “Cuddly? Loveable? Perfect?”

  “I don’t want to spoil our new relationship now we’re just starting to get along.”

  “Go on, throw me a bone.” His face told Holly that he liked playing guessing games. She bet he was a competitive child who used to sulk when he lost. “One word.”

  “Relentless? Annoying? Competitive?”

  Gordon grinned at her. “My wife calls me those every single night.”

  “Give her my condolences.”

  Whatever his faults, though, Holly had to admit that in the weeks since their showdown, Gordon had made an effort to change his behaviour and the office was now a far more harmonious environment. Couple that with Holly’s new-found leg strength, and she might just be starting to feel like her old self.

  Chapter 13

  Tori was stood at the bar with her boss, Sal, in the pub near their work, weighing up whether or not to have a turkey and cranberry sandwich for lunch. It was now November 20th, and the Christmas spirit was taking hold of London; it was Tori’s favourite time of year. She hadn’t had anything Christmassy to eat or drink yet — not even a mulled wine, unheard of — but now, with the pub strewn with tinsel and fake snow, she was getting in the mood. Plus, with what she was about to tell Sal, she needed a little Dutch courage. They ordered, took their drinks and grabbed a seat near the window to wait for their food.

  “So,” Sal said, eyeing Tori. “You’ve got something to tell me. My guess is you’re engaged. Either that or you’re pregnant. Am I close?”

  Tori stifled a laugh. “Yep, bound to be pregnant. Holly and her magic powers.”

  Sal grinned at her. “I don’t pretend to know the inner workings of a lesbian relationship. For all I know, Holly might be a lesbian wizard in disguise.”

  Tori chuckled: wizardy is not how she’d describe Holly right now. Broken, maybe. She took a huge gulp of her mulled wine, realising too late it was boiling hot. She blew out, wafting cooling air into her mouth as she did. “Hot!” she told Sal.

  “I can see.” Sal sat back. “Come on then, out with it.”

  “I’ve been offered a job in San Francisco, and I’m thinking of taking it.” Tori ran a hand through her shoulder-length hair. “Correction, if it’s confirmed, I’m pretty sure I’m taking it. But I wanted to run it past you first, give you a heads-up. It’s for Babe Magnet, the app I was telling you about.”

  Sal nodded, her mouth falling open slightly, but she recovered quickly, slotting a semi-smile back onto her face. “Right.”

  “My friend’s got investment and they need someone to head up their digital marketing team. And that someone would be me.”

  “That’s amazing.”

  “Is it?” She’d hoped Sal would take it well, and so far, she was obliging.

  “Of course — you’ve worked hard, you deserve a break like this. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll be sad to lose you, but I’ll always give you a good reference and if I’ve got a job, you’d always be welcome to come back.” Sal gave her a wide smile.

  Tori breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank you — I don’t know what to say.”

  “When do they want you to start?”

  “After Christmas.”

  Sal nodded again. “Okay — I’ll have to get Holly on the case getting your replacement.” She paused. “And what does she think?”

  Tori blew out. “Well, it’s not the best timing, what with everything that’s gone on.”

  “That’s why I asked, her being your future wife and all.”

  “We’re not engaged!”

  “Yet,” Sal replied. “How did she take it?”

  Tori gave Sal a pinched smile. She’d love to be able to think about her and Holly getting engaged, but when they weren’t even having sex, it seemed a long way off. “She was okay about it — she said all the right things, but I’m hoping we can have more of a chat soon. It was a bit of a shock to her, just like it was to me to be offered it in the first place.”

  “Bound to be. She’s not had the best past few months, has she?”

  Tori
shook her head, guilt washing over her like an ice cold breeze. “Not really.”

  “You know what you should do?” Sal said, sitting forward.

  “What?”

  “Take her out for a nice dinner, wine and dine her, show her how much she means to you. It’ll soften the blow.”

  Tori stuck out her bottom lip: she’d heard worse plans. “You think?”

  “I do. Take it from a woman with a few years more experience of being wined and dined. Works every time.”

  “You’re probably right,” Tori said, knowing she was. It would be good for them to go out to dinner somewhere fancy. “And thanks for being so nice about it as well. If anybody asks for a boss reference, I’ll happily give you a glowing one, too.”

  Chapter 14

  Holly hadn’t seen Tori for a couple of evenings — she’d had clients to schmooze, and it seemed like they were ships that passed in the night. However, at least when they did pass, they snuggled up together in the same bed. And this morning, Tori had left her a note with instructions to meet her at the flat later — Holly was being taken out for dinner by her girlfriend, wined and dined. And who knew where that might lead? Dinner + drinks + Holly feeling better? There might even be the possibility of sex on the horizon. Holly grinned at the thought as she turned on her computer. She was working from home today, something she was glad of after a busy week — she already had that Friday feeling.

  She sipped her tea as she glanced down her email: there was a long thread on the client she’d been working with, the one Gordon had been so pleased about this week. He’d copied her two big bosses in to brag about the success, which was never a bad thing: these people had to be told sometimes. Holly clicked, scanned the email, then sucked on the inside of her cheek.

  Had she read that right?

  “Just thought you should know about a big client win we got this week with Balson Media. They’re throwing a ton more work our way, all thanks to great teamwork. I pride myself on being a great leader, and this is an example of my great leadership in action. Let’s hope there’s plenty more of this to come down the road.”