From Ashes

by Amanda Perry

  My warm-up consists of a lot of stretching then a jog around the perimeter of the backyard. It’s a decent-sized yard, and I know a few laps will give me a good start for when Cassie and Leanne show up. During my jog, I force myself to clear my mind. Surprisingly, it works well. It’s the first time in weeks I’ve been able to simply not think about anything but the beating of my heart and the pounding of my feet.

  I lose track of how many laps I’ve run by the time Cassie calls to me from the back door. “What are you doing up already?”

  I jog over to her, down half my water bottle, and work to catch my breath. “I couldn’t sleep. Figured I’d start early.”

  She eyes me suspiciously but doesn’t comment. “Well, come have breakfast before we get started.”

  A quick glance inside shows everyone gathered at the table. I note Caleb’s grouchy expression, though I don’t understand why. I refuse to dwell on it. Jaxon and Leanne are deep in a conversation, and Dad is happily shoveling food onto his plate.

  I check the time and realize I’d been outside for three hours already. It’s a lot longer than I thought, but I wouldn’t mind going back to my jog. I don’t want to hurt Cassie’s feelings, by rejecting her invitation to breakfast, though. So, I reluctantly nod and follow her inside. Rather than sitting in my normal spot next to Caleb, I take a seat on the other side of Cassie. I’m not hungry, but I push a bit of food around on my plate while everyone chats and eats.

  “Aren’t you going to eat something, baby?” Caleb murmurs while everyone else is distracted. “You didn’t eat anything yesterday.”

  My body tenses, and tears sting my eyes. It angers me that I can’t control my emotions. A simple question from him is all it takes for me to nearly break down. Why can’t he just leave me be? Why does he have to continue to torture me? It reminds me of my nightmares but, thankfully, not as horrific.

  “Don’t call me that,” I manage to grit out before hastily excusing myself.

  My untouched plate goes to the sink, and I swipe another water from the fridge. Everyone around the table sits in silence, taking in my every move. I can’t handle it. Their silence drives me crazy because I don’t know what they may be thinking. Do they want me to talk to Caleb and be his friend? Are they upset that I can’t bring myself to talk to him and that even being around him nearly kills me? No one will say anything, and it’s the loudest silence I’ve ever experienced.

  “I’ll meet you out there when you’re done,” I call to Cassie and Leanne as I hurry out the back door. “Take your time.”

  Rather than start up my jog again, I decide to work on stretching while I wait. They don’t keep me waiting long, luckily, and I straighten when Cassie and Leanne stride up to me.

  “Ready for this?” Cassie chirps.

  I shrug. “Yeah.” I’m not at all ready, but it’s something I need to do.

  Leanne places a reassuring hand on my shoulder and smiles softly. “We’ll take it slow, honey. You tell us if we push too hard.”

  I give her a tight nod, with no intention of telling them if they push me too hard. I’ll do whatever they want, even if it kills me.

  Chapter 3

  Several hours later, I second-guess my decision to ask Cassie for help in my training. She’s relentless and a lot tougher on me than I expected her to be. Leanne’s stepped in several times to tell Cassie to be less aggressive. However, it seems to go in one ear and out the other. Cassie refuses to hold back, and while I appreciate her help, I wonder if her aggression may stem from her anger with me.

  By midday, my body screams for rest. Cassie hasn’t hurt me, but she’s forced me to slowly fight her. She throws a soft punch, and if I cower rather than block her, she hits me with her fist. It’s not hard enough to truly hurt, but it threw me for a loop the first time she followed through. It isn’t a technique anyone else tried before—no one ever laid a hand on me during training.

  Lunchtime approaches fast, and I know Dad will be home from work soon. I wish I had progress to show him, but all I’ve managed to accomplish throughout the morning is to duck away from Cassie’s punches rather than cower. Leanne tried to praise me for the minuscule step forward, but I want to be better.

  Leanne demands several water breaks through the day, which I truly need, but I’d rather we didn’t pause at all. It only interferes with my precious training time. I won’t tell Leanne my thoughts because I know they need breaks and food, even if I don’t want it, so I quietly agree.

  As I face off with Cassie once again, murmurs from the back door grab my attention, and I glance over my shoulder. Before I can blink, Cassie swoops her leg through mine, and I land with an audible thud on my back in the grass. The fall knocks the wind out of me, and I likely resemble a gaping fish as I beg my lungs to cooperate and suck in precious air.

  “Cassie!” Leanne scolds, rushing to my side and placing her hand over mine. Her attention remains on Cassie, though. “You’re being too rough with her, Cassie. You need to take it down a notch.”

  Cassie frowns, and I sense an argument looming. A quick glance to the back door shows Jaxon and Caleb watching us. Jaxon has a hand on Caleb’s chest, holding him back. I can’t hear what he says to Caleb, but I assume it’s something along the lines of ‘she deserved it.’

  “I’m fine.” I cough and roll to my side, pulling in long breaths and working my lungs again before stumbling to my feet. “It just caught me off guard. I’m okay, though.”

  “Don’t get distracted,” Cassie chides, her arms crossed firmly over her chest.

  “Cassie...” Leanne starts, her tone low and full of warning. She doesn’t have a chance to say whatever she was thinking, though. My father steps into the backyard and calls for us all to come inside before he disappears back inside the house. His timing is impeccable. I want to thank him for defusing a potential bomb, but I don’t want to bring up the tension.

  We all congregate in the kitchen where my father waits patiently for us to join him. “I brought lunch,” he announces while pulling burgers and fries from brown paper sacks. “I figured no one would be up to cooking, and I don’t know about you guys, but I’m starving.”

  Leanne pecks his cheek as he hands her a burger. “You’re always thinking ahead.”

  “I try.” He wiggles his eyebrows up and down, and she giggles like a schoolgirl as she walks away.

  Normally, their easy show of affection makes me happy, but in my current situation, it twists my stomach and brings tears to my eyes. I duck my head and focus on my shoes to prevent the tears from falling.

  Caleb hasn’t left the house at all today. It distracts me to know he’s only a few feet away, yet I can’t run to him and tell him that I love him or hug him tight and enjoy his embrace. He and Jaxon haven’t said a word to us all morning, but they’ve remained where they can watch the training session. I’m not sure which is worse: Caleb attempting to speak to me and be friends or him ignoring me completely, even while we’re in the same vicinity.

  I shake the thoughts of Caleb from my mind and grab my lunch. I’d rather head back outside and start working again because I don’t think of Caleb as often while I’m defending myself against Cassie or running. It would be rude to ignore the food my dad brought to me, though, so I take a seat with everyone else and munch on a few fries.

  “So, I had a thought,” Leanne announces after we all settle at the table.

  Dad lifts a brow. “Did it hurt?”

  Leanne’s jaw drops, though she can’t stop a few titters from escaping. “You’re going to get it, Mark.”

  “Get what?” He feigns innocence. The facade drops when Leanne throws a fry at his head, and he chuckles. “Sorry, I’ll be good. What was the thought?”

  “We should probably call it a day with training,” Leanne suggests carefully. Her eyes remain fixed on mine. “It’s been a long morning, and overdoing it will only hurt you in the long run, Riley. You don’t want to push yourself too hard and end up regretting it.”

  “
What the heck would we do instead?” Cassie grumbles, obviously opposed to the idea.

  Leanne shrugs. “The house needs a good scrub down. We could divide and conquer.”

  Jaxon and Cassie make sounds of dismay, but quickly fall silent when Dad shoots a warning glare their way. He softens as he turns to Leanne. “I think it’s a great idea. Who do you want on which tasks?”

  Leanne mulls things over in her mind for a moment, then shrugs again. “I’d suggest you for dusting, Mark. You’re taller and not allergic, so it’s kind of a no-brainer.”

  Dad nods. “I can do that. Last time we did a deep clean, I got tired of taking that stepstool around, so I bought the duster with the extended handle. I haven’t used it yet, so I can test that sucker out.”

  Cassie smirks and rolls her eyes dramatically. “You lead an exciting life, Mark.”

  “It’s the newest model,” he protests. “It has extra clingy fabric on the duster.”

  “Oh?” Cassie feigns interest in his new gadget. “Tell me more.”

  “Jaxon,” Leanne turns to her son, effectively cutting off Cassie’s sarcastic display. “Can you please collect all the trash and put new bags in? A few of the cans could probably use a decent wipe down, too. I know most of the bedroom trashes are empty or close to it but check them all, anyway.”

  Cassie points her finger and laughs tauntingly at Jaxon, which earns her a stern look from Leanne. “You get to help him with it, Cassie. While he gathers everything up, you can wipe the cans out. Then you can clean the bathroom downstairs.” Her new chore list shuts Cassie up quickly, and she finishes her lunch with an overly exaggerated pout.

  “I’ll organize the kitchen cabinets and sweep,” Leanne adds between bites. “Caleb, will you please clean the upstairs bathrooms and vacuum up there?”

  Caleb silently nods, his eyes remaining fixed on his uneaten burger. I want to ask why he didn’t eat, but I can’t bring myself to talk to him.

  Leanne addresses me last. “Riley, will you work on the windows, then mop after I sweep?”

  “Of course,” I readily agree.

  I’ll do whatever I can to help around the house. It isn’t a messy home, but it does need a typical deep clean, which takes the participation of everyone. If I can’t be outside training, I’ll use my chores as a distraction.

  Leanne occasionally hires someone to come in and clean the place, but she once told me that it’s pointless when there are plenty of us living in the house with the ability to pick up a broom. I tend to agree with her, but it’s not the popular consensus. I guess it’s been a while since everyone had the time to pitch in and scrub the place down.

  “Perfect.” Leanne claps her hands together with glee and hops up to clean her lunch mess. “I’ll get started while you guys finish. No taking forever to prolong this, either.” She gives Jaxon and Cassie her mom-stare, and they cringe in unison.

  As much as I want to be hungry, food just doesn’t appeal to me in the least. It actually turns my stomach, and I’d rather not make myself sick. So, when Leanne strides away to start on her chores, I stand to follow suit.

  “You didn’t even eat.” Caleb stops me and points to my untouched burger.

  His voice alone breaks my heart in half, and I wish I could simply run away from the pain. It’s an actual physical ache in my entire body to be apart from him, even while he sits across from me. I assumed it was part of breaking up with someone and hoped the pain would lessen with time, not intensify. It’s come to the point where the ache grows stronger by the hour, and my ability to push it aside and ignore it weakens just as quickly.

  Caleb’s accusation causes Dad’s attention to dart to me, and he frowns when he finds my food untouched. I look from my dad to the burger and back again. “Is it okay if I wrap this up and eat it later?” I don’t want to offend my dad. He went out of his way to bring us lunch, but my stomach churns when I attempt to take the smallest bite—even the few fries I had don’t sit well.

  Dad’s brow draws together. “Yeah, kiddo, that’s fine. Are you sure you’re not hungry, though?”

  “I’m sure.” I wrap my burger and set it in the fridge before he changes his mind and asks me to finish it. It won’t be in the fridge long—Cassie or Jaxon will devour it in a few hours if they find it, but I feel the need to placate my dad. “Maybe, I’ll want some later.”

  I hurry out of the kitchen before anyone can call me out on my lie. I won’t want any later, and they likely know it as well as I do. I can only stomach little bits of food at a time, I can barely sleep, and my body screams at me the longer I’m without Caleb. I’d love to know how long the torture will last before I finally feel somewhat sane again. Maybe since I still love Caleb, I’ll always be miserable. He doesn’t want me, but the feelings aren’t mutual. I don’t know if there’s a way to break a bond or if ours was a glitch in the system, but I would assume the break up would need to be two-sided to sever a bond with such strength. It’s like two people pulling at the tether when neither are in love. When one is in love and the other isn’t, it may as well be him pulling the cord away while I hold on for dear life and chase after him. No matter how many times I remind myself that he doesn’t love me, I can’t let go of my love for him.

  My thoughts consume me as I enter the laundry room to gather cleaning supplies. I do my best to push them away, but ignoring the pain in my chest becomes more difficult with each thought of Caleb.

  “Hey, kiddo.” My dad’s greeting startles me, and I spin around with a yelp of surprise. He stuffs his hands into his pockets and tries to hold in a grin. “I didn’t mean to scare you. I figured you’d heard me follow you. Leanne always tells me I walk like a tap-dancing elephant.”

  “I was lost in thought, I guess.” I scan the room, subtly seeking out the supplies I’ll need. The sooner I start my chores, the sooner I’ll have a distraction to keep me busy.

  “Before you get started on your chores, I wanted to show you something.” Dad takes several steps backward, moving toward the door. “Would you come with me for a minute?”

  Hesitantly, I nod and follow behind him. My mind scrambles to come up with something he may want to show me, but nothing logical fits. Of course, a fleeting thought crosses my mind that he may have considered showing me the door, and he’s about to tell me to get out. After months with this man, though, I find myself seriously doubting he’d throw me away with such ease. Over the last few weeks, especially, I’ve found myself growing more comfortable in his acceptance of me. He’s shown me, rather than told me, that he cares and that he wants me around. After everything I did and how I messed up, he didn’t throw me to the curb or shun me. His actions say a lot without uttering a single word. He brought me food and tried to talk to me several times. He asked how I was and promised to be available when I needed anything at all. His actions speak louder than any words he’s ever spoken.

  I follow him all the way to the garage, nearly running into his back when he comes to an abrupt stop in the center of one of the open parking spots. He sidesteps and allows me to see what’s in front of him. He doesn’t say anything, simply lets me take in the sight. I don’t understand what he’s trying to show me, though.

  “It’s a mannequin?” I phrase it as a question because it doesn’t look like any mannequin I’ve ever seen, but I can’t figure out what else it might be.

  Dad coughs in a failed attempt to cover his laughter. “Sort of.”

  He pats the torso of the lifelike dummy. From the waist up, its features are that of a grown man, and the detail on him is better than the mannequins I’ve seen in clothing stores. There’s a metal pole attaching him to a large round base, something else I’ve never seen on display in stores.

  “It’s kind of like a human-shaped punching bag,” Dad explains. “I was thinking about it while I was at work this morning, and since you can’t stand the idea of hitting an actual person, maybe hitting a foam-filled person would be easier.”

  I blink several times, unable to come
up with anything to say. My first instinct is to laugh and call his idea crazy. But the more I think about it and the more I study the dummy, the less crazy I find his suggestion. He might be onto something, and I’d show actual progress while practicing self-defense on a fake person. If it doesn’t work, though, I don’t want to disappoint my dad more than I already have.

  “It’s just an idea, Riley.” Dad steps closer to me and rests his hands tentatively on my shoulders. “If it works, great. If not, then Jaxon will use it. He mentioned wanting one anyway, and with Christmas coming up, I can save it for that if you decide you’re not interested in it. No harm, no foul. Don’t feel like you have to use it.”

  “How did you know that’s what I was thinking?” I wonder aloud.

  His laughter causes his eyes to crinkle around the edges. “It’s easy to tell when you’re worried about something.” The laughter fades, and he draws his brows together. “Well, it’s easy for me, anyway. It wasn’t easy a few months ago. Actually, it was nearly impossible to read you a few months ago, but I’m learning.”

  “I’m sorry,” I mutter, dropping my head as my cheeks heat with shame.

  “Hey.” He squeezes my shoulders gently, urging me to look back to him. “It’s not a bad thing. It means that I’m getting better at being your dad. I always want to know when something bothers or upsets you. I can’t fix it if I don’t know what’s going on.”

  It’s clear he’s referring to more than just the worry of disappointing him by not using the mannequin. He wants me to open up about how I feel since the attack at the mall and everything that has happened since then. Part of me wants to, but I can’t find the right words to start the conversation. Plus, it’s highly likely I’ll break down if I even try, and I don’t want my dad to have to deal with me in such a sad state.