Even If

by Bethany Riehl

  Lillian hoped the look the woman gave her wouldn’t singe her on the spot and shrugged an apology, although she wasn’t certain why. The woman crossed her arms and cocked a you-should-know-better brow in her direction before turning her attention back to the stage. A flush of pink on the woman’s pale cheeks, coupled with the red creeping up her slender neck, signified barely contained annoyance—or anger. Either one seemed grossly out of place.

  The soft strum of the guitar pulled their attention to the front, and Lillian folded her hands as Chuck instructed everyone to bow their heads, gently strumming chords across his guitar through the prayer, settling the rowdy crowd and setting an atmosphere of worship.

  “Heavenly Father. How good it is to meet before You today, together as one body. We thank You for the privilege of worshiping You. We pray we see You just as You are and learn more about You today. We long to love You as You deserve and to love those around us as You do. Please help us to do just that. In your precious name, Amen.”

  “Amen,” Lillian whispered to herself, still thinking of the woman behind her. Then realizing that she was being less than loving by adding a sarcastic punctuation to Chuck’s sincere prayer, Lillian lowered her head in defeat. Will I ever get this right?

  The screen behind Chuck lit up with the words to the next song and when the singing started, Lillian closed her eyes, lost in the music.

  Lord, I’m struggling to see Your place for me, if You have one. But would You help me with my attraction to Chuck? I’m not the right woman for him romantically, and I most certainly learned my lesson before about office relationships. I would be blessed to call Chuck ‘friend’. Would you help tune my heart to focus on You this morning? There is so much I need to learn. Could you still want me, after all that I’ve done?

  A quiet calm melted over her, taming her bruised heart. She opened her eyes again and was able to fully concentrate on the remainder of the worship time. When the team put down their instruments and came down into the crowd, Lillian remembered Chuck’s promise that they’d hear Pastor Ryan’s sermon. She craned her neck to look for him, wondering if she was supposed to follow him out. She saw him take a seat in the back, and when he saw her looking, he just grinned. The blond woman’s brows lowered at Lillian’s squirming, and she quickly turned back to the stage where an image of the main church building bounced onto the screen. A feeling of delight coursed through her as Pastor Ryan took the stage and greeted the congregation, and the teens in the building two blocks away.

  “Let’s open our Bibles to Romans Nine…”

  After the closing prayer, the youth room came alive. Lillian stepped back in surprise as the teens quickly began working in unspoken unison to stack the chairs into tall towers and move them against the far wall. Lillian stood frozen in surprise at the organized chaos.

  “Excuse me,” a curt voice spoke from behind. Lillian turned and quickly moved out of the way as the blond from earlier grabbed her chair and stacked it with two others.

  “Oh, sorry. I didn’t mean to just stand here staring. I was just amazed at the teamwork of these kids.”

  A blank stare. Then, “Well, they’re not idiots.”

  Lillian cleared her throat nervously. What was this chick’s deal? She opened her mouth to introduce herself, when a strong hand squeezed her shoulder. Chuck’s presence settled around her, and Lillian immediately relaxed.

  “Hey, two of my favorite gals meet at last. Lillian, meet Katrina.” The women nodded at one another, and Lillian was startled when a beautiful, wide smile broke out on Katrina’s face. In fact, her cold demeanor melted completely beneath a pretty blush.

  “Hi, Chuck. So, this is your boss?” Katrina stuck her hand out for a handshake.

  Lillian hesitated, then accepted the gesture while Chuck confirmed, “Yup, this is her.”

  He smiled when they shook hands. Katrina’s hand was soft, the shake delicate. Lillian feared she might break the petite woman’s little hand. They let go, and Katrina tilted her head to the side.

  “Didn’t I see you here last week?”

  Lillian, still surprised by the change in Katrina nodded, “Yes, I was supposed to meet Viv and Dave, but they couldn’t make it so Chuck led me in.”

  He chuckled and winked at Katrina. “More like pushed her in,” he said.

  Katrina gave a small smile that stopped just before it reached her eyes. “Well, that was sweet of you.”

  A group of boys called Chuck over to their foosball game, and he turned to touch Lillian’s elbow. He asked, “You okay for a minute?”

  She nodded. “Of course.”

  “Okay, don’t you leave without me,” he gave her arm a small squeeze, sending shivers up her neck.

  She didn’t promise anything and watched him stride over to the boys, trash talking all the way. Lillian felt Katrina’s gaze on her and turned back, surprised to see her eyes full of pity.

  “I want to apologize for being abrupt earlier,” Katrina said, her voice low. She shrugged helplessly, “I just know how much those girls needed to hear the sermon. They were more interested in fawning over Chuck’s latest damsel in distress, when they needed to be quieting their hearts before the Lord. You understand, right?”

  Latest damsel in distress?

  “Well, I certainly didn’t want to be a distraction. I was in an accident yesterday, and Chuck is just being protective.”

  Katrina nodded, eyes solemn. “Yes, he’s like that. Especially since his dad…” she trailed off, then shook her head. “Well, our church has been through a lot together.” She let the implication hang in the air—Katrina and Chuck shared history, more than the latest damsel in distress could understand.

  Her point was clear, and Lillian cleared her throat. “I’m sure you have. If you’ll excuse me…”

  She glanced Chuck’s way to be sure he was preoccupied and then slipped out the side door, walking home in the bright sunshine, trying to ignore the ache in her heart.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Lillian’s first week of work was fairly uneventful. Viv came every morning to train her on the computer system and lease agreements. They had two empty apartments that needed to be filled.

  “It’s your job to sell the building to would-be tenants,” Viv explained. “That’s why they had us remodel this apartment, to be the show place.”

  She frowned and looked around at Lillian’s sparsely furnished place. “So, there’s good news and bad news. The bad news is that you need to decorate this place.”

  Lillian snorted. “If that’s the bad news, what’s the good news?”

  They laughed together when Viv said, “That you have to decorate this place.”

  Lillian sobered slightly. “Oh, Viv, I’m all for decorating. I love it, and I’m good at it. But I always shop vintage stores or garage sales. It sometimes takes me months to find the right thing. I won’t have time or money to do that for a while. Not to mention, no car.”

  Her insurance had officially totaled her car. Thankfully, Drew was not the one handling the claim for the drunk driver, and she was able to find out from an old associate that her insurance planned to pay for her car as well as a healthy check for “pain and suffering,” since Chuck had had Tom write in the report that she’d gone to the doctor, suffering from a concussion. But she still wasn’t clear how much she’d get for the difference of the value of her car minus what she still owed on it.

  The wonderful part for this month was that she didn’t have a car payment. The exact sum of her bills now matched her income. The sense that God was taking care of her, even if she’d felt like her life was falling apart, was overwhelming. And humbling.

  Viv tapped a finger against her cheek. “I understand. And I truly believe the owners will, too. I have an old-fashioned dressing screen we could bring over for now. It’s what I did when we were first furnishing this place, and it seemed to work well. It gives the feeling that there is more behind it, but they’ll never know you haven’t furnished your place yet. Than
k goodness, the owners bought the office furniture, and that it looks so appealing in here. We’ll just rely on that for now.”

  She then took Lillian through the files in a tall wooden cabinet and pulled out every contract that was due to expire within the next two months. “We’ll send letters to these tenants and ask if they would like to renew or if they plan to live month to month or move out. Hopefully, you don’t have many that choose to move out any time soon.”

  Lillian fell into the role of manager almost effortlessly under Viv’s guidance. Viv was kind and had a knack for making people feel cared for. She taught Lillian to take the time to look tenants in the eye and listen to their complaints—big and small—wholeheartedly. After one woman had complained about her neighbor walking down the tiled hall each morning in high heels, Lillian asked Viv how she put up with the day-to-day grumbles.

  Viv shrugged, “Most of the time people just need to be heard and to feel like someone cares. I may think the complaint is silly, but I focus on the fact that God made the person in front of me. I try to love as He does, as best as I can. That doesn’t mean I love to hear about every little thing all day long, but they don’t need to know that.”

  In the following weeks, having Chuck as a neighbor proved to be, what Lillian was sure Nan would label as, “a blessing”. While they didn’t interact at work nearly as much as she’d thought they would, they did hang out a few evenings a week to watch Netflix. Lillian was amused that the man with no T.V. came over so often to watch hers. It turned out that, more often than not, they chose to watch Chuck. The action packed, but humorous show, was a fun one to bond over. Eventually, Lillian stopped blushing at how much she thought the “Chucks” looked alike and just enjoyed her handyman’s company.

  Her handyman? Watch it, Lillian.

  Chapter Seventeen

  “I just don’t understand why you want to do this, Lillian.” Chuck tucked the fingers of each hand into his armpits, tapping his pectorals with his thumbs and leaning one hip against the kitchen counter.

  “For community! To make this the best place to live in Boise! Think about it, Chuck, how great would this place be if we all knew each other? If instead of thinking of your neighbor as Guy Who Picks His Nose On The Elevator, you could know his name, his hopes, his dreams, his talents.” Lillian’s words picked up speed, and her pitch rose to a passionate plea. A small vein pushed out on her forehead, joined by the cords in her neck. Her eyes sparkled, emphasized further by the light sunburn on her cheeks.

  Darn it, she was cute.

  “Guy Who Picks His Nose On The Elevator?”

  Lillian brought her shoulders to her ears in a mock shudder. “Yeah, I don’t want to talk about it. All I have to say, is why would you choose our elevator to do that? It’s not exactly discreet. I mean, whatever designer thought it was a good idea to line the inside of the elevator with mirrors definitely didn’t think it through,” she said.

  A smile played on his lips.

  Lillian picked up her pleading, “Come on, Chuck. How hard can it be?”

  Whoa, when had she moved so close to him? He looked down into her imploring eyes, flecks of blue and brown near drowning out the green backdrop; he did his best to steel himself against her impressive Bambi-eye impression. Her bangs had been swept to the side, and were held back with a bobby pin. Her smooth forehead was just beneath his chin. Just close enough to—

  Chuck straightened and shoved his hands in his front pockets. “What if no one comes, Lilly? What if no one helps with the garden? I just don’t want you up there by yourself all summer.” Or maybe I do. I could join you and maybe bring some music. I could pull you into my arms and—Knock it off, Davis. That’s exactly why you can’t do this.

  Lillian stared him down.

  “And, truly, I have no desire to know the dreams of Guy Who Picks His Nose On The Elevator,” he added, trying to lighten the mood.

  The staring continued.

  Chuck cleared his throat. “You have a lot on your plate as it is.” Sure, that was the reason.

  Lillian narrowed her eyes and pinched her lips to one side. “What do I have on my plate? I work here and the bakery. And when Nan’s niece graduates and comes to manage it for her, I’ll have even less hours. I don’t have a car; what else am I going to do with my free time?”

  He could think of a few things. What is wrong with you today, man? Ever since he’d walked in for their daily meeting, Chuck had been wrestling to hold his attraction for her at arm’s length. But for goodness’ sake, why did she have to go and wear a sundress of all things? The flowery number flowed just right around her knees, accentuating her toned calves. The jean jacket she wore over the bodice of the dress was rolled up to her elbows. The entire affect was all so wonderfully, beautifully distracting. He shook his head, trying fruitlessly to dislodge the desire that had swiftly grown from mild attraction a few weeks ago to full-on feelings.

  She misread the shake and set her jaw. It was her turn to cross her arms. “Here’s the thing, Chuck. I’m doing this with or without your help. I can find what I need on Craigslist. There are plenty of people that will deliver for some extra cash.”

  He winced, not wanting some stranger from Craigslist in her apartment just because he was afraid of her being disappointed. Why was he fighting this? She was a big girl.

  He threw up his hands in surrender. “Fine. You got me, Boss. I’ll build a table and benches for you.”

  “And garden boxes.” She smiled sweetly, more than proud of herself.

  “And garden boxes,” he echoed.

  She grabbed his upper arms suddenly and reached up on tiptoe to kiss his cheek. It was brief. It was chaste.

  It was…his chest clenched. Oh boy.

  His shock must have mirrored Lillian’s, like she hadn’t expected the impulsive moment any more than he had. She blushed to the roots of her hair and spun toward her office.

  “I’ll just print off the plans I found online.”

  Chuck leaned back against the counter, a dopey grin on his face. Tried to tame it before she returned. He heard the hum of her printer, the swish of papers—her sandals slapping on the wood floor. She entered the kitchen waving the papers in the air, just as he reclaimed control over his face.

  “This site claims the materials for the table are around one hundred dollars. I figured we should double that for the garden boxes. Do you think that’s accurate?”

  Chuck took the papers and looked over the plans, taking note of the way Lillian stood on the opposite side of the kitchen, as far away as she could get without looking suspicious. He forced himself to study the plans. They looked simple enough. He would make a few adjustments, but not many.

  “Sounds right to me. I’ll get the materials this weekend.”

  She grinned. “You’re the best.”

  Chuck grunted, but inside he soared. Oh man. He was in trouble.

  ***

  Lillian walked Chuck to the door and said goodbye as he set out to check on a plumbing issue on the second floor. She stopped to unlock the black mailbox attached to the wall outside of her door for afterhours payments and applications. She watched Chuck turn the corner for the stairwell, chewing on the inside of her cheek. No matter the bravado she’d put on for Chuck, his concerns punched holes of doubt into Lillian’s brilliant plan.

  When she’d approached him about building a table, with plans to host weekly dinners for the tenants, she was surprised at his hesitation. Then she added the idea of starting a community garden on the roof, and he’d withdrawn even more.

  What could be more successful than a rooftop garden in their urban setting? She’d read numerous articles online on how to build a successful community feel in small apartment buildings like theirs. And maybe it was her own desire to feel a sense of kinship with her neighbors, but she could just imagine all the amazing benefits of the garden and of what she wanted to call “Family Dinner.”

  Neighbors would stop to chat in the hall over tips on growing cherry
tomatoes. Friendships would forge, dripping down from summer dinners on the rooftop to holiday gatherings in the apartments below. So, okay, maybe it was fanciful, and would most likely take more work than she anticipated, but still…

  She hadn’t expected Chuck to balk at it. Wondered if he thought her an idiot. Her face flamed. And you went and kissed him! Sheesh, Lillian!

  She rolled her eyes heavenward and turned back to her office. Her first full month as solo apartment manager had gone fairly well. Lillian had found her rhythm and kept busy with tenants, showings, lease renewals, assignments for Chuck, and cleaning around the building. Her days melted into one another, starting early at Daily Bread a few days a week and ending with a lazy evening at home, often with Chuck to keep her company before she kicked him out to go to bed early and start all over again. She was busy, but not enough to stamp out her longing for more friends. Nan and Chuck didn’t necessarily make up a community. Neither did Viv who was busy with her infant twin boys, or the teenagers she was getting to know in the youth group.

  No matter what Chuck said, the dinner idea was brilliant. And if it wasn’t, if it fell flat, and she ate meals alone on the roof every Saturday night of the summer, how could that be any worse than now? Even if the dinner idea flopped, she knew downtown Boise. Knew its residents. The garden would flourish. She was sure of it.

  Mostly.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Every other Saturday morning, Lillian worked the register at the bakery. The few hours of manning the register gave Lillian a chance to escape from management stress. The tips and extra hours afforded her the opportunity to graze garage sales and consignment shops to create a homey feel in her apartment.

  Due to an office error, her insurance company hadn’t yet sent a check for a new car. Chuck agreed to help her transport the furniture pieces as they came, and haul them up the stairs as long as she fed him every few days. She happily obliged. The more time they spent together, the more their friendship grew. Eventually, he agreed that her plans for the rooftop and for their tenant community weren’t so terrible.