Even If

by Bethany Riehl

  She could see his tongue poking the inside of his cheek, considering. Just then, their waiter arrived to place steaming plates in front of them. Chuck prayed for their meal and then dug into his burrito.

  Lillian noticed that he didn’t answer and assumed he didn’t want to share. They ate in silence for a few minutes, both lost in their own thoughts. Finally, Chuck put down his fork.

  “The cop thing started in my younger days, but continued into my twenties. But, my dad encouraged me to go into ministry. Almost six years ago my dad was killed by a drunk driver.”

  Lillian swallowed her bite of taco without chewing. It scratched past the swelling lump in her throat. His words had nearly knocked the breath out of her.

  “Chuck, I’m so sorry,” she whispered and set down her fork, wanting to reach across the table and squeeze his hand. Unsure of what to do, she clenched her hands in her lap and waited for him to continue.

  Waves of sadness rippled through his eyes, as well as an emotion she couldn’t read, an undercurrent in the deep sea of blue.

  “Thank you, Lilly. I miss him. Often.” He puffed out a short, humorless laugh. “Always. I wish I had him here to talk to. He was a great father, and loved me and my mother with everything he possessed. When his life ended abruptly because of some stupid drunk, I was so angry. I was going to Boise State and working part time for a construction company at the time. After that, I just couldn’t focus. Reading and retaining information was nearly impossible. I finally withdrew from classes and started working full time.”

  “Oh, Chuck,” she breathed. Her dreams ended because of her own poor choices. Chuck’s were shattered from an outside source.

  “How is your mom?” Lillian felt compassion for the woman that raised Chuck, though she had never met her. How awful to be empty nesters with retirement looming on the horizon and in one awful moment have it all stripped away.

  “She’s great,” Chuck smiled a special, tender grin reserved for sons who spoke well of their mothers. “She was always a gracious person, and was incredible through everything. She remarried last year, and I like the guy. He’s really good for her, and I’m glad to see her in love again. I hated how lonely she was before meeting Todd.”

  “And you, Chuck?”

  “I’m…still in process. Don’t get me wrong—I’ve seen the amazing ways that the Lord comes alongside the broken hearted. My relationship with Him before was nothing compared to what it is now. I know that, no matter what, even if life is a total crap fest, He is good. But…” his eyes shifted away from hers. He crossed his arms and leaned back against the booth, a sudden shadow pushing aside the earlier peace. “I struggle with forgiveness. My mom forgave the guy who hit my dad at his sentencing—five years in jail, five years of probation—”

  “That’s it?”

  “That’s it.”

  “But I thought drunk drivers had longer sentences than that when someone died as a result of their actions.”

  “Yeah, well. They couldn’t prove he’d been drinking at the time of the accident because he’d left the scene. By the time they found him, he was sitting in his living room with an open can of beer in his hand. So—five years. If he breaks probation in any way, though, he goes back for much longer.”

  A muscle worked in his jaw. Lillian watched a storm pass over his features, swirling through his eyes. She felt helpless in the wake of his pain.

  Chuck shrugged and spread his hands out on the table. “So, there it is. That’s my story.”

  Lillian ran a finger around the rim of her iced tea, hesitant to ask what she wanted to know the most. But, sensing Chuck could use a change in subject, she forced it out, “And how about marriage, Chuck? Any special girl in your life?”

  “Ahh…” he glanced up as the waiter dropped off the bill.

  Lillian reached for her purse. “What’s my half?” she asked.

  “It’s on me,” he responded. Lillian protested and tried to take the bill until he glowered at her.

  “My dad raised me to pay for ladies, especially when I invite them out to dinner.”

  Lillian slipped her wallet back into her purse and raised her hands in surrender. “Okay, okay. Then thank you.”

  They left the restaurant to find the sky dusky and the air much cooler than when they’d arrived. Chuck offered his sweatshirt to Lillian, and she gladly accepted. Both pensive, they hopped in his truck and listened to music in silence, the atmosphere much less exuberant than on the ride in. Lillian realized that he’d never answered her question.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Lillian hated to miss church, but the late night at dinner, after waking up early for a morning at the bakery, had caught up with her. Not to mention, all of the emotional drama in between. Shuffling into the kitchen, she appreciated, as she did every morning, the sun soaked cupboards and gleaming countertops. The coffee pot filled and set to brew, she set out the sugar bowl and silver spoon found at an estate sale, then located the matching cream pitcher in the fridge. Her temples throbbed, and she relished the quiet of her apartment.

  She and Chuck had shared so much the night before, and although she was grateful for his friendship, she knew anything more was out of the question. Her thoughts skittered to the memory of Chuck’s arms wrapped around her, comforting her, brushing a whisper against her ear...

  Come on, heart. I need your full cooperation here. Hormones? You too. Straighten up, you hear? Stop thinking about Chuck’s muscles.

  The coffee pot beeped, and she poured herself a cup, opting to enjoy it in her favorite thrift store find—an elegant high backed chair with a gray and white lace pattern. The chair was arranged with a small side table in the corner between the kitchen and the wall of windows. Viv had left the white, airy curtains, and Lillian loved the way they draped across the valance above the windows and flowed down into a soft puddle on the floor. They afforded her little privacy, but Lillian loved that they allowed in so much sunshine. She set her coffee on the small table and picked up her Bible. She couldn’t shake what Chuck had said about the lineage of Christ, and determined to seek out the rest of His ancestors.

  She read for the next hour, sipping coffee, drinking in the ancient words, so relevant to her life. Every time her thoughts drifted to Chuck, she pulled them back, covering them with prayer. The quiet morning helped to clear the fog that had settled around her the day before. She set aside her Bible and filled her coffee, reclaiming her seat. The sky was crystal blue beyond her windows, but Lillian didn’t notice. Her thoughts swam from memories of Drew to her friendship with Chuck, and one thing became clear…

  “I need friends,” she spoke aloud to the empty apartment. Correction, female, friends.

  Friends that wouldn’t make her heart slam into her stomach whenever they smiled or make her knees tremble whenever they hugged her. Friends with whom she could sit around in yoga pants without fearing that they would find her inappropriate. Friends that she could eat buckets of ice cream with. Lillian needed someone her age that she could hang out with and drink coffee with and go shopping with. She needed a gal pal.

  Hmmm…I wonder if I could find one of those on Amazon? she thought cynically. In her experience, women were tough to befriend. Hilary, for instance. She’d once thought Hilary was a friend.

  When it was time for church to start, she set up her laptop to watch the live version of the sermon on the church’s website. Pastor Ryan was preaching through Galatians after wrapping up Romans. His sermon was thought provoking, and Lillian filled two pages of a notebook with notes and references. She fleetingly thought about what Drew would think of her waking early on a Sunday to watch a church service on her laptop. Scratch that. She knew exactly what he’d think. And it didn’t matter to her one iota.

  Before he closed the sermon, Pastor Ryan made a point that pierced her. “Look at verse thirteen of chapter five,” he said. “‘For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through lov
e serve one another.’ When we’re busy serving the Lord, and loving His people, there isn’t time or opportunity to wonder about our purpose or to be lonely. There isn’t room for slipping back into our old ways; our fight against the flesh will be an easier battle when we are busy with what He calls us to do—love one another.”

  Lillian underlined the verse and starred it. She certainly hadn’t been busy serving the Lord when she’d met Drew. She’d only been going through the motions of slipping in and out of church without connecting with anyone. Maybe that’s why she’d slid so easily into that relationship.

  And now? Now, she spent time with the youth group. She wasn’t sure if that was considered serving, but Lillian definitely felt joy hanging around the teens and encouraging them in the Lord.

  Mulling the verse over some more, Lillian wondered if that was why the plans for a community garden and family style dinners for the neighbors weighed so heavily on her heart. She prayed about it for the rest of the morning. Around noon, she received a text from Chuck.

  You okay? Missed you in church this morning.

  I’m fine, thanks.

  You sick? I could bring you soup or something.

  Sweet man.No, just girl sick.

  A long pause.Oh. Okay.

  Lillian’s face flushed, suddenly realizing what her text had inferred. She rapidly typed out a message and pressed send.

  I mean I wanted a lazy morning. I needed to work through some stuff after seeing Drew and Hilary yesterday.

  Darn. And I thought my charming company had taken care of all that.

  Ha! It did. But I just needed a little more time.

  I understand. The sermon was great. You should watch the video online if you get a chance.

  I watched it live. You think I’m a heathen or something?

  She blushed, thinking that after all she’d told him about her choices last night, he very well might think she was just that.

  No more than the rest of us, Lilly. Interested in lunch?

  She thought for a minute, glanced down at her striped pajama pants, ran a hand through her chaotic hair.

  Only if you can wait about thirty minutes—don’t want to subject you to my current state.

  I can wait.

  See you soon.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  In truth, Chuck was going to burst if he had to wait much longer than the thirty minutes. He’d stayed up long after he’d dropped Lillian off at her apartment the night before, working in the basement workshop, finishing the projects he’d been working on for weeks. He’d fallen into bed just a few hours before needing to wake for church. Once Lillian agreed to lunch, he made a phone call and then paced impatiently in front of the large windows in his apartment.

  At last his watch told him it was time to knock on her door. It creaked open a moment later, Lillian looking up at him shyly, dressed in leggings and a long flowy shirt that hit her mid-thigh. An invisible charge of electricity hummed between them, connecting their hearts over everything that had been shared the night before.

  Chuck stepped back and gestured for her to join him in the hall. She locked her door, and they discussed the sermon while walking to the stairs. When he turned to go up instead of down, Lilly paused.

  “Where are you going?”

  Chuck only smiled and continued to climb the stairs. Ridiculous excitement bubbled up inside of him, rising like carbonation in a shaken soda can, ready to burst by the time they reached the roof. Her soft footfalls behind him kept in time with his rapid heartbeat. He pushed the door open and stepped onto the roof, turning to watch her face.

  Lillian squinted into the sunlight and shaded her eyes. Chuck knew the exact moment they landed on the farm table and benches.

  “Chuck.” His name, carried on the whisper of her breath, tingled through his veins.

  Lillian walked to the table set up on one side of the roof and ran her hand along the smooth wood. The joy on her face was an immediate salve to Chucks muscles, sore from the long night of sanding.

  Lillian sat down and looked around in wonder, then met his gaze, a grin stretching across her face, crinkling her eyes into slits. “I can’t believe you finished it already. This is so much better than I imagined.” Her eyes shifted to the tall, rectangle boxes that lined the walls of the roof. “And the garden! I love it, Chuck. This is amazing.”

  Chuck sat across from her, eyes never leaving her face. “Now, you do realize this is a bribe, right?”

  How did those hazel eyes go from warm appreciation to guarded shock in one blink? And how could she roll his belly over with that one look?

  “What do you mean?”

  “Lil, you have to tell me what that field outside of Kuna was all about.”

  She blushed and looked down at the table, tracing the grooves in the wood with the tips of her fingers. With a shrug she answered, “It’s not that big of a deal. I just have this daydream, and that land would be the perfect spot for it.”

  Chuck took a chance and settled his hand on hers. “Tell me about it.” His breath snagged when she turned her hand to meet his, palm to palm.

  “Do you mind if I run downstairs and grab something? It’s just easier to show you.”

  Chuck was having a hard time concentrating with her soft hand captured in his work hardened one. He swallowed, narrowing his eyes and staring past her. He probably couldn’t pick his mother out of a police lineup right about then. But he answered in the affirmative, hoping his mind would catch up.

  “Great. Be right back,” she rose and walked across the roof to the door. Chuck rubbed his hands over his face. Had he really held her hand? Exhaustion and excitement got the better of him. But he was finding it more and more difficult to keep his hands to himself around Lillian. He heard her on the stairs just before she came into view, holding a children’s book in her hands.

  “Okay,” she said, out of breath from rushing up the stairs. “This is silly. But,” she opened the book to a page in the middle and pointed, “I’ve always wanted to live here.”

  Chuck pulled the open book closer and studied the picture. A white farmhouse took up most of the page. It was flanked on one side with rows of corn, tomatoes, and cucumbers. A little girl swung on a tire swing hanging from a large willow tree in front of the house. The rest of the land surrounding the house was covered in wheat.

  “I know it’s silly,” she repeated. “I’ve just always dreamt of a place just like that. Something about that land reminds me of this. Without the house, of course. I’ve always wanted to live out in the country, have a garden and an orchard. I would even love room to let friends, or just people that need a place to land, park a tiny house on my property somewhere.” She shrugged, self-conscious, and pulled the book back.

  Watching her eyes light with hope was doing funny things to his chest region. He licked his lips. When had he become incapable of concentrating in her presence? Pull it together, dude. “So, when people on that Tiny House show say that they’re going to park on someone’s land—”

  “I want to be that someone, yes,” Lillian laughed softly, embarrassed. “It’s just a silly dream.” She closed the book and rested her hands on top of it. “So, now you know.”

  Chuck reached for her hand again. He tapped a thumb against her wrist. Her gaze met his briefly, then bounced away. “Not silly, Lillian.”

  She finally met his eyes and held them, a broad smile stretching across her face. A knock sounded on the stairwell door they’d propped open, and Chuck stood. A kid holding a large brown paper sack glanced over a receipt.

  “Are you Chuck?”

  “That’s me,” he pulled the wallet from his cargo shorts and paid before carrying the bag to Lillian.

  “Welcome to your first meal on the roof,” he said, pulling little white boxes out of the bag. “I got white rice and fried rice. Kung pao chicken, beef and broccoli, and moo goo gai pan.”

  She bit her lip. “You’re awesome. But I’m going to have to stop agreeing to meals with
you if you won’t let me pay.”

  Chuck only grinned. “Or you could just say, ‘thank you.’”

  She rolled her eyes and set her teeth in a fake smile. “Thank you, Chuck.”

  He laughed. “That’s more like it. Are you coming to youth group tonight?”

  Lillian smiled. “Yes. Absolutely.”

  * * *

  Every Sunday night, the teens would gather in their little clubhouse for Sunday Night After Church, dubbed S.N.A.C. The parents brought snacks, and the kids stayed for games following a Chuck-led discussion about the sermon. Chuck had invited Lillian weeks ago, and she’d been coming ever since. She loved hanging out with the teens. Loved their stories and interactions with one another. She was inspired by their insight and wisdom. Being in that place brought back the best memories of her life. Before college. Before Drew.

  As most teen gatherings went, Lillian encountered plenty of drama. She applied Viv’s principle to the teens as well as the tenants—she listened. The girls seemed to appreciate an adult that just let them talk, and they gravitated toward her. For the first time since she left college, Lillian felt like she was working toward something, not just treading choppy waters.

  The only hiccup in her newfound happiness was the odd way that Katrina interacted with her. While for the most part she was sweet and polite, there was an underlying bitterness and hostility that Lillian couldn’t understand. She wondered if it was just the other woman’s personality.

  That night, Holly, a girl that came regularly with a friend, arrived sullen and uncharacteristically withdrawn. Lillian noticed and without thinking made a comment to Katrina, who was busy laying out the snack table. She barely glanced up.

  “I wouldn’t worry about it, Lillian. Holly goes through these cycles. She’s rather, eh, comfortable with boys. She’s happy until it doesn’t work out. I’d say let the consequences catch up with her. God gives us consequences for a reason after all…”

  Troubled by this, Lillian thought on Katrina’s words and her own experiences as a teen. What if no one had stepped into her teenage turmoil and explained the true love of Jesus Christ and how it was all-consuming for everyone? Where would she be? Maybe she had made mistakes. But she had hope that a rescue was still taking place. Maybe Holly needed to know something about that.