Even If

by Bethany Riehl

  “Hey,” Lillian whispered.

  “What?” Tiffany whispered back, the binoculars in place. She diligently scouted the garage, though no cars had been there to park, or anything else, for the last hour.

  “Can I tell you something that sounds weird?”

  With a heavy sigh, Tiffany set the binoculars down. “Man, detectives must get super bored. No wonder they eat donuts. We really should have brought snacks.” She squirmed in the chair and leaned toward Lillian. “What did you want to tell me that’s weird?” she whispered back.

  Lillian, embarrassed, pulled her knees up to her chin. “As long as we’re acting like we’re in junior high up here, I feel the pull to be an emotional pre-teen.”

  Tiffany narrowed her eyes. “Okay.”

  “I just need you to know that before I met you—like the day before—I prayed for a friend. And then there you were. Before I’d even asked, God had arranged for you to live in my building. And I know we haven’t known each other long, but it feels like I’ve known you my entire life, you know? It’s just,” she shrugged. “It’s just cool. I wanted you to know that and know how much I appreciate you.”

  Silence. Then a sniff.

  “Oh, good gravy, Tiff, are you crying?”

  Another sniff. A warbled, “No.”

  “There’s no crying in spying!”

  Tiffany hiccup-laughed. “That rhymed.”

  They laughed some more before Tiffany patted Lillian good-naturedly on the head. “I’m not good at spilling my emotions like some girlie-girls I know, although you’ve noticed that I cry easily…”

  “Uh, yeah, you cried the first time I met you, weirdo. Over ziti.”

  “I was hungry, okay?!” Tiffany shouted, forgetting about her quiet ordinance.

  Lillian clapped a hand over her own mouth, her eyes wide. They both shifted to their knees and peeked over the side. The top of the garage was still empty.

  “So, anyway, Lilly. Me too. I’ve been praying for a friend, too. I mean, I have Grace, but she’s not exactly best friend material. She’s more, ‘We grew up in church together, let’s go to coffee sometime when we’re both in town’ material.”

  “Wait, who’s Grace?” Lillian asked.

  “Grace Ryan? Pastor Ryan’s daughter. She’s doing the Teen Girls after God’s Heart conference,” Tiffany said.

  Lillian narrowed her eyes. “Conference?”

  “Grace writes books about dating God’s way and preserving purity in a promiscuous world. She speaks at conferences, writes Bible studies, and all kinds of stuff. She’s coming next weekend. There have been posters all over church and announcements in the bulletin—seriously, you haven’t seen them?” Tiffany was incredulous.

  Lillian laughed. “Okay, so I’m not very observant. I had no idea Chuck even lived in our building until I made a fool of myself in front of him. Twice.”

  Tiffany leaned forward, her eyes dancing. “Oh, I have got to hear this.”

  Lillian sighed dramatically. “Aren’t we getting off topic, Tiff? You were telling me about your friend Grace.”

  Tiffany slapped a mosquito off her leg. “Oh yeah. She grew up with us in youth group, and is her own special person. She is sweet and patient, and I love that about her. But I have never felt that I could tell her things freely or just laugh and goof off with her, or at least not in the last few years. It’s hard to be silly friends long distance. In junior high school, she and I both had crushes on Chuck and Felix, so it was fun to dream about being married one day and raising kids together. It was easy to hang out all four of us, and maybe that was the highlight of our friendship.”

  Lillian’s heart skipped. “So, what happened?”

  Tiffany shrugged. “We moved on. Felix never made a move, and I realized my dreams to go to culinary school and run a bakery like Nan were things that I could actually make happen. Grace discovered a passion for teaching, writing, and encouraging women and ran with it.” Another shrug.

  Lillian was pensive. She wanted to ask if Grace and Chuck had ever dated. If he was interested in Grace. But what business of it was hers? Shame began to claw its way up her spine again, making her want to curl in on herself. Regret knocked against her ribs, guilt clogged her throat. Grace was the type of woman Chuck needed. They had history. She had success. And self-control, obviously. Unlike Lillian. Her cheeks grew warm.

  She thought again of Chuck’s declaration. His admission that he had feelings for her had begun to feel like a dream. Lillian found herself longing for him to ask permission to kiss her again. But what good would that do?

  Maybe Grace’s coming to visit was just the key to showing Chuck that Lillian was all wrong for him. Her stomach curdled.

  Tiffany rummaged around in her backpack, her back to Lillian, unaware of the tears shimmering near the surface. Lillian took a deep breath and blinked, her face tilted toward the stars. I’m back at square one in the shame department, Lord. Please remind me that I’m yours. Even if I can never be Chuck’s…

  Suddenly Tiffany turned from her rummaging, her face smooshed and distorted by a pair of pantyhose pulled down over her head. Lillian burst out laughing, deep in her belly.

  “Oh, Tiff, what are you doing?”

  “I can’t believe I forgot these,” Tiffany’s nose was trapped in an upright position, her nostrils abnormally large and round, like saucers. Creepy, icky saucers. She handed an extra pair to Lillian, who tried to pull them on as well. But her ribs hurt from laughing, and she stopped repeatedly to squeeze her arms around her middle. At last she held her composure long enough to fit the pantyhose over her head. Her cheeks and eyes spread and smashed unnaturally.

  “Gorgeous, Dahling,” Tiffany said.

  The two cackled and whispered together under the stars for another twenty minutes, sharing embarrassing stories and secrets. Lillian told Tiffany about crying in front of Chuck in the back hallway of Bittercreek, about spitting coffee all over herself the first time they officially met, and then about greeting him with a deep curtsey the next time. Tiffany promised she could top it.

  “In college, I—”

  Movement out of the corner of Lillian’s distorted eye cut Tiffany short and the women scrambled to the edges of their chairs. Tiffany grabbed the binoculars. Lillian tried to get the video function on her phone to zoom, but the dark of night only produced a smattering of grainy images that bounced violently, and she gave up, as two men walked up the final ramp to the top of the garage, both in shorts and t-shirts.

  “They’re walking!” Lillian mouthed to Tiffany.

  As the men neared the wall, one pulled a flashlight out of his pants. The other turned to look around and Tiffany gasped.

  “It’s Felix, and I think the guy with the flashlight is Chuck.”

  “Chuck?!” Lillian screeched.

  Tiffany dropped the binoculars, the strap around her neck catching them so they bounced against her chest. She grabbed Lillian’s face, clapping a hand over her mouth. Too late. They could clearly see the men spin in their direction. The women gulped and Tiffany drug Lillian to the ground still pressing her hand over her mouth.

  “What do Felix and Chuck have in common with drug lords?” Tiffany whispered.

  “Mmhhii gnnoond mooo,” Lillian responded, face sweating from the hose pressed against her face with Tiffany’s damp hand.

  Tiffany let go. “Oops, sorry. What did you say?”

  Lillian tugged the pantyhose off her face, twisting her cheeks loose from the tight pressure. “I don’t know,” she repeated. “I mean we don’t know for sure that the box has drugs in it.”

  Tiffany slanted her eyes. “Lilly. People find it in the dark of night. They take something out and put something back in and then slink off,” she hissed, walking two fingers across her leg to demonstrate.

  “But how does that in any way make sense for Chuck and Felix? They are the most straight-and-narrow men I know.”

  They shrugged at each other and made motions to turn back around quiet
ly. They slowly peaked over the edge of the wall, and found the parking garage roof empty once again. Crouched on their knees, the spies leaned close and whispered back and forth, hearts finally settling down. Lillian tried not to laugh at the mask Tiffany still wore.

  “I think,” she said, allowing her voice to rise just a touch above a whisper, “that if Chuck and Felix are involved, there has got to be a logical explanation.

  “I don’t know, Lilly. I mean, this definitely makes them creepy and sketchy.”

  “What is that supposed to mean?” A deep baritone preceded the male face thrust between theirs, close enough for his stubble to scratch Lillian’s cheek.

  Lillian and Tiffany shrieked and lurched to their feet, arms flying in defense. Tiffany kicked one foot out with a banshee wail accentuated by a series of karate chops.

  Felix hopped backward, gripping his shin where the kick had found its mark. “Ouch! Nice to see you, too, Tiff. What did you do that for?”

  Tiffany stood with her hands raised defensively, breathing hard, “What do you mean what did I do that for? I was protecting myself from a creeper. One who sneaks up on unsuspecting women.”

  Chuck was just behind Felix, doubled over with his hands on his knees, laughing so hard he couldn’t catch his breath. Felix glowered at him and Chuck worked to regain composure. He finally answered Tiffany while Felix hopped to the table to sit on the bench and examine his shin. “Well what else would you expect from sketchy guys like us?”

  Felix looked up at Tiffany. “I think you cracked a bone.”

  Tiffany snorted and rolled her eyes. “I did no such thing, you big baby.” She wiggled her eyebrows at Lillian and stuck out her foot. “I told you these steel toed boots would come in handy. Who needs mace?”

  Felix dropped his jaw. “Seriously? You were spying on us. What did you need a weapon for?”

  “For protection against drug dealers. Duh.” Tiffany palmed her hips.

  Lillian rubbed her temples, and shook her head, eyes glued to the ground.

  Chuck and Felix exchanged shocked glances. “Drug dealers?”

  Lillian stepped forward, gesturing to the parking garage. “What is going on with that box over there?” She went on to explain the cars she’d seen coming and going before she’d moved and Tiffany’s idea for a stakeout.

  Chuck shook his head, smiling with amusement. Felix’s face melted into concern. “Tiffany, what if there really had been drug dealers? What on earth are you thinking?”

  Vexed, Tiffany crossed her arms. “Seems how I haven’t seen or talked to you in over a year, Felix Greene, I’m not entirely sure why you care.”

  Tension settled around them, the charge strong as an electric current. Uncomfortable, Lillian spoke up, “Okay, okay. We all agree it was stupid. You guys aren’t creeps. At least we don’t think you are. But will you please explain to us what is going on over there?”

  Felix and Tiffany continued to glare each other down. Chuck glanced between them and stepped forward to touch Lillian’s elbow. “Hey, why don’t you let me show you, and we’ll leave these two to…talk…”

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  “They’ll be fine, Lillian,” Chuck assured her, his hands firmly grasping her shoulders and turning her back around.

  “Are you sure? We kind of have an unspoken rule about leaving one another, um…vulnerable around…certain people,” she admitted haltingly, ignoring the effect his warm hands had on her. He let go all too soon and stuffed his hands in his front pockets. The bill of his baseball hat cast his handsome face in shadow as they passed beneath a street light.

  “I’m going to just glaze over that part,” Chuck winked. “I don’t know how much Tiffany has talked about Felix, but those two have a lot of history between them. They were great friends in high school—we all were. They never dated anyone else, but something always held them back from dating each other.”

  And what about you, Chuck? Did you date the fourth person in your party? Grace the Wonderful?

  Lillian, knowing it was none of her business, bit down on the inside of her cheeks. Where had this surge of jealousy come from? She’d had her chance. And she told Chuck no thank you.

  Chuck placed his hand lightly on the small of her back, leading her around a large planter on the sidewalk. A trail of white jasmine crept over the side, tangling her emotions in its intoxicating fragrance. The spicy sweet scent, coupled with Chuck’s closeness, filled Lillian with a strange sort of hopeful anticipation. Butterflies swelled in her stomach at the warmth of his hand seeping through her t-shirt.

  Stupid summer night making me twitterpated.

  Lillian’s agitation with her feelings leached out, “Yeah, she mentioned how much she and Grace, hung around with you and Felix. Sounds like a nice pair of couples.”

  “Are you insinuating that Felix and I were once a couple?” Chuck laughed.

  Lillian rolled her eyes. “You and Grace. Obviously.”

  Chuck eyed her warily, her tone obviously throwing him off. “Not exactly like couples…” his voice trailed off. Chuck looked as if he could say more. Instead, he continued his story, “Anyway, Tiffany went off to college and Felix moped around for a while. He was even ready to go after her, but she sent some letter that mentioned going on a date with a guy at school. Felix thought he’d missed his chance and just continued to exchange friendly letters. He looked forward to her visits home, but dreaded them as well, always wondering if she would bring some guy with her. She never did, and Felix started to build up his confidence again.”

  “So, what happened?” Lillian asked, nodding thanks when Chuck held the door to the parking garage stairs open for her. She tried not to dwell on the fact that Chuck hadn’t exactly come right out and said that he hadn’t been interested in Grace. This time she rolled her eyes at herself.

  “His parents announced their divorce,” Chuck trailed one step behind her, his hand on the rail, “and it completely freaked him out. He never saw it coming.”

  “Oh, that’s sad,” she murmured, half turning on the stairs to face him.

  Chuck met her gaze, and her heart tripped. She must look like a mess with her hair on end. Surely there were marks across her cheeks and nose from the pantyhose—as if she’d pressed up against a window screen for a long time. But the tenderness that passed through Chuck’s shadowed eyes took Lillian’s breath away.

  “Have I told you how beautiful you are tonight, Lilly?”

  She missed the next step and hit her shin against the concrete.

  “Yowch!” she bellowed her voice echoing in the concrete stairwell.

  “You okay?” Chuck asked on a laugh.

  Lillian stopped to examine her jeans. “Yes, thank you so very much for your concern.” She tilted one side of her mouth up sardonically as she met his eyes.

  Chuck held out a hand to help her up. She accepted it, arm buzzing from his touch. Sheesh, Lillian. Get it together, girl. She pulled her hand from his, and they continued to climb the stairs until they reached the door that led to the roof. Lillian pushed hard against the heavy door, wincing as the metal squeaked loudly. She glanced up toward their own roof top and could clearly see Felix and Tiffany in a heated discussion. Although with Tiffany it was hard to tell; she talked with her hands a lot. From this distance, it was impossible to read facial expressions, but she could tell that Felix was doing most of the listening, his arms crossed, chin tucked. Chuck gently turned her toward the wall where she’d seen people pull out the box.

  “Their conversation is none of our business, Miss Rodgers,” he said, adding a longsuffering tsk-tsk-tsk for good measure. “Of course, if you’re interested, we could keep ourselves busy with a private conversation of our own down here,” he said. “And by that, of course, I mean that we should make-out.”

  Lillian’s eyes flew to his, shocked. He wiggled his eyebrows at her suggestively, obviously joking. He was joking, right? She blushed and smacked his stomach with the back of her hand. She nearly lingered to run he
r knuckles over the taught skin under his shirt. Stop that. You’re currently getting a grip, remember? She cleared her throat. “So explain to me again what geosmashing is?”

  Chuck leaned over a hole in the top of the cinderblock wall and reached his arm in shoulder deep. Geocaching,” he corrected. “Basically, it’s a worldwide scavenger hunt. You sign into a website, look for geocaches near you, and then find them either by map or your phone’s GPS system. You find the item, sign in, take something or leave something, and if you want, you update online that you’ve found it. It’s fun.” He produced the tin, which looked even bigger up close.

  Lillian eyed the box and cocked a brow. “I don’t get it.”

  “Really? Which part?”

  “The ‘why on earth do people do this’ part?”

  “Why wouldn’t people do this, Lilly? A worldwide scavenger hunt? Come on!”

  She snorted a little. “It’s kind of cute when you nerd out.”

  ***

  Chuck wasn’t sure if he should be incensed that she’d called him a nerd or thrilled that the nerdiness in him was “cute.” Whatever that was supposed to mean. He opened the box.

  “Many people from all walks of life have been here. Some sign the book, some leave things, it’s a cool way to connect with other people.”

  He held it out to her while she rifled through the contents. She stood close enough for her coconut shampoo to tease his senses.

  Two weeks. It had been two weeks since he’d held her in his arms, had his lips on hers. Since he’d drunk her heady fragrance. Threaded his fingers through her silky hair. Pulled her close to him.

  He understood why she had pushed him away. Saw the fear in her eyes and instinctively knew it would be a long road to earn her trust. He worked carefully to build her trust, to shower her with words of affection when possible. Sometimes he texted her cheesy comments hoping to work his way into her heart.

  Sometimes all he wanted to do was kiss her good enough to make her toes curl and tear down all of her defenses.