“I don’t know, Chuck. I write Bible studies and teach women about Jesus. I don’t think it would be right to lie…” She opened her mouth and eyes in feigned surprise to mirror Chuck’s expression. She giggled and lightly tapped her hand on top of his. “Just kidding. Of course, if it comes up, I’ll tell Lillian the truth about you—that you’re a nice guy that would treat her well.”
“Thank you,” he said with a big grin. Then, “Hey, maybe let her know about your crush on the band guy. That way she’ll know we’re not romantically meant for each other.”
“Ew.”
“I know,” he winked. They ate in silence for a few moments before Grace said something that sliced straight to Chuck’s heart.
“I just wonder, my friend, how you are going to truly love that woman—as I think you want to—with all of that bitterness you’ve built up in your heart toward Tanner?”
He finished chewing and slowly wiped his mouth. He and Grace exchanged emails weekly and recently she’d been harping on him about forgiving the man that had hit his dad. To be fair, a few years ago, he’d asked her to pray that he would be able to forgive him, but he’d never said he was bitter. His chest tightened, indignant at the implication.
“What is that supposed to mean?”
Grace met his hard gaze, her own soft, but unrelenting. She folded her arms on the table and tucked her chin. “See? The Chuck I know is not an angry guy, except where this one man is concerned. You can’t tell me that your anger toward him isn’t spilling into the rest of your life. What if this relationship works out with Lillian and she wrongs you in some way—which she will, by the way, because she’s human and relationships are complicated. Then what?”
“What do you mean? Do you think I’m suddenly going to snap? Like get physical?” he couldn’t believe that Grace would think such a thing of him.
She shook her head, emphatic. “Of course not. But how can you give yourself over to a relationship when you’re boiling inside and holding this area back from the Lord?” She lifted her shoulders. “Just something to think about Chuck.”
He leaned back and worked a muscle in his jaw, pensive.
Chapter Thirty-Four
After Grace and Chuck left, Lillian paced her apartment, texted Tiffany, and paced some more. Months of attending their church had begun to break down her feelings of shame. But that didn’t mean she was ready to sit next to Katrina at a purity conference. She had talked herself out of it altogether when Tiffany finally texted back.
Oh, good! I was hoping Grace would get you to go. Now you can sit with me tomorrow.
Tiff, I CANNOT go to this thing.
Why not?
Katrina will be there. And that chick hates me!
A few minutes ticked by before Tiffany answered.
Don’t let her get to you. She’s all bark and no bite. I know it’s not an excuse, but she was raised in a really strict home. Her parents are much older. She’s pretty old fashioned; still lives with them and doesn’t have a job, just helps her mom and serves at church.
See? The girls need someone like that. And you. And Grace. Not me.
Lillian winced, knowing instinctively that that wasn’t true—she was not who she once was. She was forgiven and new. She could hold her head high under God’s mercy. Was she using her past as an excuse to avoid an uncomfortable evening?
Three dots rolled in waves across the screen, then paused before rolling again. Uh-oh. Tiffany was sending back a mouthful.
Are you kidding? Do you know how many of them need someone just like you to understand what they’re going through? High Schoolers these days deal with things we never had to think about. They need to see that you came out of it whole. For those girls that are hearing Grace’s message a little too late, they need someone like you standing there to catch them. Not me. Not Grace. Not Katrina. You. Trust me.
Lillian stared at the words, knowing that God could turn her past into something beautiful. That He could use her in others’ lives if she would let Him. The words blurred. Lillian blinked her burning eyes. But who am I to teach them? I’m still figuring out this grace thing myself. She thought about what Chuck had said to her the night he kissed her. “Maybe shame is good for a season, but seasons change…”
But how? Another moment passed before Tiffany pinged again.
Lil? Did I lose you?
Just thinking. Siiiiiggghhh. Fine. I’ll go.
Atta girl. It will be great. I feel it in my gut.
That’s funny, ‘cause my gut is telling me that you’re crazy.
Hysterical. I’ll bring coffee in the morning and ride over with you tomorrow. If you need to talk tonight, just call. Or talk to Grace. She’s pretty fantastic.
Lillian covered the cheese platter with plastic wrap and slid it back into the fridge, knowing she and Grace could snack on it later. Her stomach was too tangled with nerves to bother eating anything now. After an hour of nervously wandering around her apartment without truly accomplishing anything, Lillian finally pulled on a pair of walking shoes, grabbed a light jacket, and filled a book bag with her Bible, a notebook, and a handful of pens, thinking one of the teens might need one. She threw in a pack of gum and left the apartment. The ride over in her Jeep soothed her nerves, but only slightly. The venue was packed, and Lillian had to park a few blocks away and walk.
Once she approached the entrance, there was already a line stretching around the side of the building. She took a deep breath and stepped in line, twisting her hands together.
The line moved quickly, and Lillian’s ticket was waiting just as Grace had promised. She located her seat, hesitant when she saw only Katrina seated in the empty row.
“Hey there,” Lillian called, carefully making her way to the seat next to Katrina.
“Oh, hi,” Katrina said. She glanced around, as if looking to see if anyone had come with her.
Lillian forced a friendly smile and stood in awkward silence for another heartbeat. Then, “Grace is staying with me this weekend and talked me into coming tonight. I hope that’s okay. Did you have this seat saved?”
Katrina considered her for a moment. “No, I just…” she leaned forward, her smile tight, eyes hesitant. She didn’t say anything more, so Lillian sat beside her and pulled her notebook from the bag. Lillian fidgeted with her pen for a moment, tension hunching her shoulders. Why on earth had she chosen to sit right next to Katrina? And why was it so awkward with her?
“I hope you don’t take this wrong,” Katrina suddenly spoke up. The arena had begun to fill out and the roar of conversation around them made Katrina’s soft-spoken pitch hard to hear. Lillian leaned closer.
“It’s just…have you actually been approved to work with the youth? Because you’re supposed to have a background check, and I think Pastor Ryan is supposed to talk with you. That way we don’t have just anyone coming in and making an impression on our kids. Being buddy-buddy with Chuck doesn’t necessarily mean you’re good to go as a leader.”
Lillian’s heart pounded against her ribs. Her cheeks flushed with embarrassment. Because, no, she hadn’t done those things. And sitting there with a certified leader, at a conference that could make a lasting impression on the teens she had come to adore, made her feel small and ridiculous. Not knowing what to say, she grabbed her bag and stood, thinking she could leave before anyone noticed her.
“Yay! Lillian, you came!” Letitia called out from the aisle, her mom and Holly right behind her. The young girls pushed forward to wrap her in a tight hug that nearly knocked her over.
“Oh, uh, I was just—” Just what, Lillian? Leaving? I can’t leave now. How would I explain that to Grace? I just need to get over this insecurity.
Lillian glanced at Katrina, hoping she wouldn’t be offended. “I was just moving down so you girls could sit here,” she said. Was it just her imagination, or did Katrina roll her eyes?
Letitia’s mom stepped between them and squeezed Lillian’s arm. “I’m so glad you’re here,” she sa
id. “The girls really connect with you.”
Lillian offered a wobbly smile and moved down the row, away from Katrina, just hoping to get through the night. The lights dimmed and a band stepped onto the stage. Lillian couldn’t help but laugh at the roar of screaming teens that thundered around her. No wonder the parking lot was full. The room pulsed with fan girl admiration. Not that she could blame them. The lead singer was definitely handsome. Nothing compared to Chuck in her opinion, but he had a British accent, and that definitely added to his appeal.
For the next hour, they danced and sang and laughed. When Grace stepped onto the stage, she was even more loveable than she’d been earlier. Engaging and full of humor and, well, grace, she moved about the stage, every eye in the room fixed on her.
When Grace offered the closing prayer, Lillian took inventory; her heart had tripped a few times, but wasn’t bruised. Her page was full of notes, not just about abstinence, but also on living a life worthy of the sacrifice God had made for her.
As the lights came on, Lillian turned to retrieve her jacket from the back of the chair, her eyes landing on Holly in the seat next to her. The teen’s eyes were wet, her cheeks flushed, her head down and turned away from Letitia who laughed and chattered gaily with her mom and other teens around them. Lillian recognized the shame in Holly’s eyes, remembered the nights after she became a Christian, reliving the regret and sorrow she felt over not knowing of His love for her before she sought for it elsewhere.
Lillian reached out to brush Holly’s arm. “Hey, want to save me a seat tomorrow?”
Holly jumped slightly and rubbed her nose. “Ugh, my darn allergies,” she said, forcing an empty laugh.
Lillian recognized her embarrassment and tilted her head. “I used to have allergies, too, Holly,” she said.
Holly gave her a strange look. “Mmmkay.”
Lillian tucked her chin and lowered her voice. “The kind that rip your heart out and stomp on it and keep you up at night, drenched in shame?”
Holly met her gaze, eyes swimming with fresh tears.
Lillian squeezed her arm again and quickly jotted her number onto a piece of paper. “If you ever want to talk, I’m willing. You can text me anytime. But will I see you tomorrow?”
Holly lifted one shoulder, noncommittal. Letitia’s mom called from down the aisle, “Holly, let’s get you home, Kiddo. We have an early morning.”
Holly’s eye bounced off Lillian and down to her bag as she rose. “Thanks,” she mumbled.
Lillian watched her go, aching to make it better for her, aching to feel worthy of the grace the Lord had afforded her. But with the ache came determination—to apply to be a true-blue leader so that she could encourage these girls in the Lord.
***
“So. Tell me honestly. What did you think?” Grace asked hours later. She and Lillian were seated at the island in Lillian’s kitchen, the platter of fruit, cheese, and crackers between them, as well a package of Oreos.
When Grace had returned an hour earlier, she’d accepted Lillian’s offer of late night binging. Conversation came easily as they shared more about themselves than had been possible with Chuck around. Grace had the same qualities that Lillian appreciated in Tiffany; she was kind, funny, and easy to talk to.
Lillian took a deep breath. “I thought it was wonderful, Grace. I really did. I like the band that opens for you, and I thought your talk was inspiring. The take-home assignment that you gave—for the girls to look up all those verses about who they are in Christ—is good. I loved the way that you encouraged them to save themselves for marriage, not just to please their parents or because it was some rule for people that go to church, but to please the Lord, and why. Anyway. I’ve never been to a conference like that before and I enjoyed it.”
“But?” Grace asked.
Lillian felt her forehead wrinkle. “But what?”
“Something didn’t sit well with you. What was it?”
Lillian plucked an Oreo from the package and twisted it open. Her eyes glanced off Grace’s then back down. “I just wonder what hope there is for the girls that are coming to this thing a little too late, if you know what I mean,” she muttered.
Grace nodded. “Well, there is still tomorrow. And it’s a long day. I do address that.”
Lillian offered a wobbly smile, dropped the uneaten cookie back in the package and stood to gather their plates. “Well, I’m beat. I better get my rest for tomorrow.”
Grace stood as well and placed her hand on Lillian’s shoulder. “Lillian, I know we just met, but I want you to know that I’m so thankful that the girls here have you to turn to. I’m glad you came tonight, and I’m eager to hear what you think after tomorrow.”
Lillian stared at the plates in her hands, barely able to whisper past the hot lump that clogged her throat, “Well, I… uh, am thankful to be invited.”
Grace helped to bag the leftovers and load the dishwasher before she gave Lillian’s arm a squeeze. “Good night Lillian. Thank you for your hospitality.”
“’Night,” Lillian said softly, wishing it was tomorrow night already.
***
“She said that?!”
Lillian shouldn’t have taken such pleasure in the indignant tone of her friend, but she couldn’t help it. After wrestling all night over what Katrina had said to her about not being approved to work with the youth, and over the shame she saw in Holly’s eyes, it was nice to have Tiffany on her side.
“I’m going to have a talk with her,” Tiffany declared walking faster.
Oops. Maybe it wasn’t so nice to have Tiff on her side. Lillian matched Tiffany’s stride and placed a hand on her arm. “Please, please promise me you won’t do that,” she implored. “That would only make it worse.”
Tiffany slowed to a stop and took a sip of coffee from her travel mug. Her eyes roved the quiet street around the corner from where they parked, in frustration, before she looked back at Lillian.
“Fine, Lilly. Fine. But if she says anything like that in front of me, you better believe I’m going to call her out on it. I’ve known Katrina most of my life. She has good qualities, but right now she’s letting her jealousy get out of control.”
“Jealousy?”
Tiffany snorted. “Come on, Lilly. You see the way she looks at Chuck. They’d just started dating when Chuck’s dad died. They broke up soon after. Actually, they weren’t serious enough to have had an actual break-up. Either way, they dated a few times and that was it. But I don’t think Katrina has so much as looked at a guy since. And then you come along, and she sees the way he looks at you. She’s jealous.”
“What? You mean they—? Chuck doesn’t—there’s nothing to be—that’s just silly.”
Tiffany grinned. “Convincing, Lilly. Very convincing. Now let’s get our purity conference faces on.” She sucked in her cheeks, pushed out her lips slightly, and began to sway as if she were a model on the catwalk.
“Um, Tiff, your face says you’re going to a different kind of conference altogether…”
Chapter Thirty-Five
The day went by faster than Lillian had anticipated. Grace, indeed, took on the subject of those in attendance who’d engaged in intercourse before marriage. She spoke to teens, adult singles, and even the moms that might have made choices in earlier years that they regretted.
“I know we’ve talked a lot about purity this weekend, safety on the internet, intentional relationships, protecting future marriages, and so on. I also know that this weekend can be tough on those of you who feel like it’s all too little too late. But this is for you. I’m here to tell you that God does not categorize you as ‘virgin’ or ‘non-virgin’,” she said, taking a seat on the stool next to her, hands pressed together in a prayer pose moving from one side to the other. “If you’re a believer, He sees you for who you are—a sinner saved by grace. He sees His Son when He looks at you. Your sin is gone, and you’re chained by it no longer. His mercy and grace is for you, too. I admire you for being her
e. To the grown women who are here, who maybe had a few painful reminders of your past this week, thank you for coming—for standing strong beside these girls. I encourage you, if you are able and comfortable, to share bits of your story. But more than anything, I pray you go from here fully aware that the status of your virginity is not your definition. The only check mark that matters, truly matters, is Believer in Christ vs. Not. Jesus said, ‘Go and sin no more.’ Nowhere does He tell you to carry your past sin with you, preventing you from service and a full life in Christ. His burden is light.” Grace smiled at the audience.
Her words unfurled in Lillian’s heart like tiny roots—reaching deep and taking hold. The band came back to the stage for another song, and Lillian found herself lifting her hands in worship, thankful that she’d come. Thankful for a friend that made her, and a God that hadn’t forgotten her.
As they dispersed, Lillian noticed Holly crying in her seat. She started in that direction, but stopped when Letitia and her mom crouched down next to her first. Seeing that they had it under control, Lillian followed Tiffany in the other direction.
That night Tiffany, Grace, and Lillian had a bona fide girls’ night. They ordered pizza, made popcorn, and chocolate peanut butter cup cookies, and took all of it—and Lillian’s laptop—to the roof to watch one of Lillian’s old Jimmy Stewart DVDs. Earlier that week, one of the residents had found a collection of old lounge chairs and had taught Lillian how to strip and repaint them. A couple pillows made them the best theater seating for a movie night under the stars.
After the credits rolled, they remained, talking about high school crushes and about how different life was as independent women working for a living.
Grace confessed her crush on the lead singer that traveled with her. “I can’t get over that accent and those dark brown eyes,” she groaned into a pillow. “I can’t even form complete sentences around him.”
Tiffany filled them in on her relationship with Felix. “Apparently, he thought I was dating someone in college. I might have made mention of a date in a letter, most likely trying to smoke him out. But instead of taking the bait, he retreated. I had no idea that it would backfire so completely,” she said, breaking off a bite of cookie. “Anyway, I learned my lesson about mind games, that’s for sure.”
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