Wandering Soul

by Steven Anderson

  “Really?” Winn was excited. “Now I want to touch him too. The way you’ve described the group mind, all thinking as one, the twisted passageways of thought… I want to see it, explore it.”

  “Too late.” Sam shook his head. “They’re gone.”

  “But not for long.” Mom was squinting at Sam like he was a threat that needed to be eliminated, and soon. “And not very far away. Not while the two of you are here. Finish dinner.” She pushed her hair back away from her eyes. “God, I need Ted.”

  After we finished eating, Mom excused herself to go ‘think about how to pull off a miracle’. I wasn’t sure if she meant uniting the clans or just surviving long enough to find a way home. After a few minutes, I excused myself too and followed her. I tapped gently on her door and then opened it. She was sitting at the desk with her head down resting on her arms. She had her display pad out, but it was turned off.

  “I can help, if you’ll let me. I still remember most of the plan, more than I want to, more than I admitted to Winona. There was so much blood that I’ve been trying not to remember it.”

  She lifted her head and smiled wistfully at me. “I can’t think. I thought I was over this, being so dependent on your father being close by. When I try to think through what we need to do next, the only thing that comes into my head is that Ted’s not here, that he’s in trouble, and that he’s not here.”

  “Is that from what you experienced when you touched Merrimac together?”

  “No, I had this problem before that. Ted told me it’s part of being in love. I think it’s part of a deep personality flaw.”

  “If it is, I’ll bet it’s a flaw that he loves about you.”

  She tipped her head, studying me. “That sounds so much like something your mother would have told me, if she hadn’t hated me.”

  “Did she really hate you?”

  “No. I think she wanted to, just like I wanted to hate her. We couldn’t quite do it.”

  I laid down on her bed. “Tell me what it was like when you and Dad touched Merrimac together.”

  “Why?”

  “You know why. I’m going to do it. I have to. It’s… inevitable.”

  “You really believe Winona is right about you and Sam?”

  I waited a moment before answering, pretending to think about it. If Winona believed it, then I knew it must be true. Winn was never wrong. “I do. We’ve never touched Mac together, but I can feel Sam’s emotions better than I can feel yours or Dad’s. I can feel him right now, actually.”

  “At what range?”

  I put my arm over my eyes. “He and Winn are exploring the apartments. They’re downstairs now where the old kitchen used to be. Sam’s happy, laughing at something she’s telling him.”

  I could feel what Mom was feeling too. I opened my eyes and grinned at her. “And you’re worried about what your grandchildren are going to be like.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Grandchildren. You’re sixteen, Mala Dusa. Don’t talk to me about grandchildren.”

  I blushed, breaking the connection with Sam, who I knew had been aware of me touching him. “Not for years. I’m not stupid. So what’s it like, being inside the group mind with someone?”

  “He’ll be able to see your soul.”

  “Oh.”

  “Not ready for that, are you?”

  “All of it? It worries me enough when I think about God seeing into my soul.”

  “All of it. Every bit of darkness, every scar from things you’ve done. When he sees what a monster you really are, you’ll wonder how he can even stand to be in the same room as you.”

  “But Dad loves you more than anything.”

  She chuckled. “He’s a bit of a monster himself. It makes him forgiving.”

  “So he and my real– He and Alice, they did it too?”

  I felt all the doors in her mind slam shut and I was sorry I’d asked. “Of course.”

  I felt the hatred in her, not for Alice, but for the Tarakana. “That’s going to make it hard for us to work with them, you know.”

  “I won’t work with them.”

  “What did they do to you?”

  “Ask your father.”

  “He’s not here.”

  She took a deep breath and held it a moment before it came out in a ragged sigh. “Ted’s not perfect, but he’s perfect for me. I love him more than life. On Dulcinea, on the ship afterwards, I was willing to die rather than not be with him, and I knew he felt the same way about me. Despite what I had been and all that I’d done, he loved me. No one has ever loved more than we love. Yet three months after we were separated on Cleavus, he was in love with Alice, married to her, married and with a child on the way.”

  “Me.”

  She looked at me. “Yes you, who I love. But that’s what the Tarakana did; they took Ted’s heart away from me and gave it to your mother because they wanted, no because they needed, you. I never got him back, not all of him.”

  “Because of me.”

  She shook her head hard. “Dusa, I love you completely. You share my emotions, you know it’s true. This wasn’t your doing, or Ted’s, or even Alice’s. Merrimac did this. And I’d kill him if I could.”

  After a moment, I told her, “Let me help you think, if I can. You always say my brain works like Dad’s. Maybe if I tell you what I remember it will help you.”

  “OK.” She unfolded her pad. “We can try.”

  “You should get a new one of those.”

  “Why? This one still works fine.”

  “It’s so bog standard.” I shook my head and propped the pillow up behind me. “OK, the first thing you need to do is take over the Bovita clan. In the outline they gave me, that involves eleven murders.” I looked over at her, hoping she would disagree.

  “That does seem a bit extreme. How about we try it with none? I still have friends in the Bovita.”

  Some of the tension left me. “Good. I just got that new sword. I don’t want to get it dirty.” I grinned at her.

  She chuckled. “Where is your sword, anyway?”

  “Back in my room.”

  “You should keep it with you. We aren’t really safe here. And we should start your training tomorrow.”

  All the tension came back.

  “Let’s assume the Bovita are on our side,” she continued. “What comes next?”

  “Ambush at the Council of Clans. Forty-two more murders.”

  “Hmm. ‘Ambush’ is a good word for what I have in mind, but I don’t think we’ll have to kill anyone. Well, not more than one or two. Maybe three.”

  I laid on my back and walked through the rest of the plan with her. The body count kept going up, but slowly, and the timeline kept stretching away; two months, then five and finally six. Every day in the Warrens, every step in the plan was a risk, a chance taken that one of us would die. Mom seemed happy, or at least satisfied when we were finished. I was praying that Dad was somewhere working on a better plan, one that would see us back home.

  The apartment was colder when I made my way back to my room three hours later. Winona was already in bed, wearing a t-shirt that she had found in a box in the closet.

  “Left you something on the desk,” she said sleepily.

  I looked next to the candle. “Toothbrush?”

  “Toothbrush.”

  I giggled, bent over, and kissed her.

  “Bleah. Go brush your teeth. You smell like that gunk we had for dinner.”

  “Yes, ma’am!”

  I rummaged through the box when I returned, settling on something almost soft and with long sleeves. I slid under the covers next to Winn.

  “I am on my side of the bed,” she informed me. “This is your side.” She traced an imaginary line down the pillow and across the top blanket.

  “Uh huh.” I put my feet
against her leg to warm them up and snuggled against her shoulder. “Mom and I are going to overthrow a government. Want to help?”

  She rolled her head over to look at me, good eye open. “OK, sure.” She yawned. “But sleep first, overthrow government in the morning.” She kissed my forehead.

  I closed my eyes and felt for Sam, wanting to touch him one more time before I slept. He was dreaming something happy, so I slid in and joined him, falling asleep while we held hands and walked through an alien landscape.

  CHAPTER 17

  PLANS AND REALITY

  “Where ya goin’, Duse?”

  I had spent the last fifteen minutes working on extracting myself from our bed without waking her. Move foot, listen. Lift blanket, listen. Put foot on floor, listen. I was pulling my pants on when Winn’s sleepy voice stopped me.

  I sighed. “Go back to sleep.”

  “You know Sam needs his sleep too. Yesterday was kind of stressful for him. Come back to bed. You need sleep more than you need what you were planning on doing with Sam.”

  I smiled to myself. It wasn’t often that Winona misread my intentions.

  “It so happens that I’m not going to Sam’s room.” As soon as I said it, I knew it was a mistake. My hand was on its way to cover my mouth. I redirected it to my forehead. Winn probably would have let me go to visit Sam.

  “Thought so.” I could hear the smug smile in her voice.

  I finished pulling up my pants and sat in the chair looking at her, or at least looking in the direction of the bed. It was too dark to see anything other than dim shapes.

  “Fine. Merrimac is up on the roof of the building next door to us and I’m going to go talk to him. Why he’s next door and not on our roof, I have no idea.”

  “And you want to be an engineer?”

  I blushed. “Heat signature.”

  I heard the soft rustle of sheets as she climbed out of the bed. “I better come with you. What time is it?”

  “A little after 0330.”

  She yawned. “Cold out here.”

  I tossed a heavy sweatshirt that matched the one I was wearing in her direction. “Hush. We still have to make it past Mom’s room.”

  “Give me a minute. Need my sword. Do you have yours?”

  “Yeah, but the belt doesn’t work for me. It keeps sliding.”

  “You need hips.”

  “I need a lot of things.”

  We made it out into the hallway, moving slowly.

  “Don’t step there,” she warned me with a whisper.

  “Why not?”

  “That one squeaks. Don’t you remember?”

  Winona remembered because she had stepped on it once and now had a mental map of every squeaky board she’d stepped on in the entire building. I paused near Mom’s room and tried to feel if she was awake. It was risky, since she usually was able to feel my emotions before I felt hers. I took a step closer, concentrating. Then another step and another, until I was touching her door.

  I shook my head, looking at Winn in the candlelight and whispered. “I should be able to feel something even if she’s sound asleep.”

  I opened her door, worried now, and entered carefully. Winona followed close behind me. Mom’s room was empty.

  I held the candle high. “Her coat’s gone. And her sword.”

  Winona giggled. “She snuck out. Are you sure you’re not related by blood?”

  I ignored the question and spoke quietly to the empty room. “Mom, where are you?”

  “Come on, let’s go see Merrimac.” Winn wiggled her fingers at me. “I want to touch him.”

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea. They’re afraid of Hannah because her mind is complex, like theirs. I think having you on the inside would terrify them. You’re liable to take over and never come back out.”

  “I think that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

  “I meant it as a warning.” I tried to sound stern. “If Merrimac knew what you are, the way you remember everything and know everything, I think he might kill you.”

  “I’ve considered that, and he might. You don’t need me as much as you do your mom.”

  “I think I need you even more than her, that’s why I don’t want to risk you.”

  She smiled. “You love me enough to keep me safe.”

  “You won’t go back to bed now, even if I beg, will you?”

  “Nope. I’m going to touch him. It’s up to you to keep him from eliminating me afterwards.”

  I sighed. “At least Sam’s still sleeping.”

  “Are you sure?”

  I thought about it for a moment. “Yeah, sleeping…”

  Winn was holding my arms. “You were swaying.”

  I blinked at her. “Was I?” I giggled, not able to help myself. “We were… dancing.”

  “Sure you were. Come on, we have Tarakana to touch. How were you planning on getting over there, anyway?”

  “I don’t know. Let’s try to find some stairs or a ladder in here that provides roof access.”

  “Then what? The other building’s a couple of meters shorter than this one, or don’t you remember that either?”

  “There’s probably a ladder that connects them. Or we could jump.”

  “We’d break our legs in this gravity, and even if we didn’t, how do we get back if there’s no ladder?”

  I sighed. “There’s a ladder.”

  “He’s already been in your head tonight, hasn’t he?”

  “I didn’t want to worry you.”

  She looked at me in the dim light, worried. “How often do you hear him?”

  I bit my lip. “All the time, at least since we were on the shuttle yesterday. I think he’s worried about me too. He never leaves me anymore.”

  “No wonder you hear Sam’s dreams.”

  I walked to where I knew there was a steep staircase leading up. “That part’s kind of nice. I think he was in one of my dreams tonight too.” I giggled. “I need to be more careful what I dream about.”

  “You should be terrified that this is happening. It’s not normal. It’s not human.”

  I stopped at the top of the stairs where a narrow door opened out onto the roof, and looked down at her. She looked pretty in the candle light, her face all scrunched up with worry.

  “I know. Instead I feel excited, like I used to when my dad would take me adventuring when I was little. I can’t wait to see what comes next.”

  She just kept staring at me. I tried to smile at her, but it was a weak effort. “Don’t let me get lost, Winn. Now blow the candle out and we’ll run to where the ladder leads down to the other apartment block. Ready?”

  She nodded and we were in complete darkness when I pushed with all my weight against the door. The creak of the hinges was louder than I expected and it wouldn’t open all the way. We squeezed out and ran, giggling at each other the whole way.

  The roof of the other building was littered with chairs, makeshift awnings, children’s toys, and ropes with laundry hanging from them like flags. I collapsed into one of the chairs and tried to catch my breath, more winded than after five kilometers on one of Vista’s trails. Running and laughing don’t go well together.

  Winn was standing next to me, looking at the stars. It was a clear night for the Warrens, it didn’t even smell very bad.

  “That’s Alnitak,” she said, pointing. “And Alnilam, I think. I don’t know where Mintaka is. Everything’s so different. Orion was the first constellation my dad taught me. I want to see it again, with the stars all back in the right places. I miss my parents.”

  “I thought you didn’t get along.”

  “We don’t, not always. That’s as much my fault as theirs. They don’t understand me and I do everything I can to be difficult. But I love them and I know they love me.�
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  I looked at her next to me, face turned upward to the stars. “We’re going to make it home, Winn. Don’t worry.”

  She sat in the chair across from me. “So where is he?”

  I shrugged, examining my feet. “Waiting for something, I think. I don’t know what, but he’s close by.”

  “Why aren’t you wearing shoes?”

  I wiggled my toes at myself. “I wanted to be stealthy. I’m stealthier when I wear just my bare feet, don’t you think?”

  “I think you’re planning to warm them up by putting them against my legs once we get back to our room.”

  “Good idea.”

  We sat and looked at the stars for a while, waiting. I was drifting, almost asleep again, when I felt him close by, almost next to me. “Sam!” I whispered, my eyes popping open.

  A blanket dropped across my lap. “Maybe this will help keep you warm.”

  I jumped out of the chair and almost fell onto Winona. “How did you do that? You were sleeping and dreaming about… well, you were dreaming. How could you sneak up on me?”

  He blushed, so at least that was some compensation. “I heard you open the door. I think everyone in the Warrens must have heard it. After that I followed you. I saw you from the other roof and you looked cold sitting there, so I went back and got a blanket.”

  I sat down, my heart still pounding.

  “We’re waiting for Merrimac,” Winona told him. “Now that you’re here– Ah, there he is.”

  I felt something warm covering my feet. Merrimac was there, big brown eyes staring at me while the warmth moved up my legs.

  “Look, Winn! Mac’s here. Have you ever seen a more beautiful shape?”

  “He’s very handsome.”

  I scratched his head, feeling the welcoming hum of the Tarakana inside him. “Now I have Sam with me and Hannah’s off chasing phantoms.” I giggled.

  “Mala Dusa, do you know where your mom is now?”

  The question confused me. “She died, Winn. They shot her, not very far from here, and she died. Mac was there, I see it in their memory. He tried to stop it from happening, but mom stepped in front of Hannah at the last second, and… and she died. I never did get to meet her.”