Wandering Soul

by Steven Anderson

  I climbed back into the truck and Cuza glanced at me as we started back toward the Warrens. “You doin’ OK, Little Soul?”

  I nodded.

  “I can take you to find your folks if you want.”

  “No, that’s fine.” I tried to put the image of Cuza at the Hilton out of my head. “Winona’s spending the night with me, then I’ll get your new arrays on-line tomorrow before we go to the hotel.”

  I put my head back and stared out the side window at the office towers of Eindhoven in the distance. I was humming to myself and enjoying trying to guess what Sam was doing based on what he was feeling.

  “What’s that you’re humming?”

  I had to think about it before answering. “The Elephant Song. Do you know it?”

  “Sure. Your mom taught it to her students when she was here. She had them marching all over the Mission singing that song for a month.” He chuckled at his memories of her.

  I wondered if Sam could feel how sad I was, and I was sorry. I was going to have to keep myself happier while he was still in range.

  Winona helped. We played hard the rest of the afternoon, having discovered a population of little kids living at the Mission that were just as bored as we were.

  After dinner, Winn and I went back up on the roof to sit with our backs against the high wall and watch the stars come out. Or at least the few we could see through the smoke and haze. I was also practicing how to control my connection to Sam, everything from full intimate sharing to just an awareness that he was there. Sometimes it was like I was all alone inside my head. Maybe I was finally learning how to block.

  “You seem pleased with yourself, Duse.”

  I rolled my head over to look at her. “It’s not fair that you can do that.”

  “Seems fair to me. You and Sam are still connected?”

  I nodded. “It’s like he’s sitting right here with us when I want him to be.” I smiled at her. “He’s trying to be very serious about something right now. Can’t you just see the expression on his face?”

  “That’s over five hundred kilometers. Have far did you say your parents can touch each other? Like thirty or forty meters after being together seventeen years?

  “I know. It’s like we’re one person.”

  “One soul,” Winona whispered. “One soul shared across different pieces, connected by thought.” She shuddered.

  “I am not becoming a Tarakana.” Those solemn, big eyes were studying me. “Winona Killdeer, I’m just as human as you are. Do you think I’d still look like this if I could change shapes?”

  She touched my cheek and her eyes traveled from my face down the skinny length of my body. “And still you believe that lie. Even with the way Sam loves you? Even with the way I love you?”

  “Sure. You’re both freaks. Like me.”

  She stood and grabbed my hand. “Come on, freak. It’s way past your bed time. We’re going to have a busy day tomorrow.”

  I let her help me up and we walked back down the stairs into the Mission.

  “Can’t find it. Can’t find it.” I was in full panic and I was furious with myself that I couldn’t find it.

  Winona grabbed my shoulder, spinning me around. “Mala Dusa, what are you looking for?”

  “Winn? What are you doing here? I have to find…” I sat down hard on the floor, suddenly realizing what was happening and that I was in the Mission, not on board the Mesa Vista. I started laughing.

  Winona sat down on the floor next to me.

  “Sam. Middle of the night safety drill.” I managed to catch my breath. “He’s trying to find something, his helmet I think, and he’s mad at himself, probably because he didn’t check where everything was before he went to bed.”

  I let the emotions fade into the background and we climbed back into bed.

  “Are you going to be doing this for the next year while he’s gone? And please keep your cold feet to yourself.”

  I kept my feet where they were. “I don’t know. Mesa Vista transits the first DSH in about three and a half days. He’ll be over fifty million kilometers away then. We’re going to hold this connection for as long as we can. After that?” I shrugged and pulled the covers up higher. “Maybe I’ll be all alone inside my brain after that.”

  “Sounds restful,” came the sleepy reply.

  “Yeah. Restful,” I yawned, snuggling into the warmth. “But lonely.”

  CHAPTER 21

  GALLA LUPANIO

  Father Ryczek met us in the courtyard to see us off. I was wearing clothes I’d taken from the donation box and I didn’t have a bag to carry other than a small clutch for my toothbrush and the few coins that Father Ryczek said I’d earned. The display pad was back in its box inside his office and I planned to give the coins to Winona once we were on our way. She was carrying my sword for me while I said my goodbyes.

  “Did you do your exercises this morning?”

  “Yes, Father. I’m going to be OK. I left some instructions in the control room for whoever does your system updates next. You shouldn’t have any troubles with it though, and I’ll check everything when I’m back next year.”

  He shook his head. “You’ve fulfilled your obligation here. Come only if you feel God is leading you back to us.” He held his finger up in front of my nose. “But warn me first.”

  “I will, Father.”

  I hugged him and he whispered, “Go carefully, thorn. There’s more dangers in the Union now than I’ve seen in all my years.”

  Cuza drove us to the hotel, the old truck seeming almost as out of place parked by the front pillars as Cuza did standing in the lobby. Mom didn’t seem to think so, though. She embraced him despite the stares they were getting.

  “You’re leavin’ tomorrow?”

  Mom glanced at Winona and me, frowned at Dad, and answered too cheerfully. “That’s the plan.”

  “It’s a good plan. Little Soul needs watching. Trouble seems to follow close to her heels if you don’t.”

  “That it does. We’ll make sure she’s well cared for.”

  He nodded and Mom seemed to really notice us for the first time as he left.

  “Look at you two, dressed like fugitives. I suppose you’ll want to go shopping today.”

  “Not really, except maybe something for swimming.” Winn grinned at me. “And do you suppose my box of stuff is still onboard the Bahia Vista? I’d really like to have some of those things back.”

  “I’ll talk to Captain Kelang and have everything transferred to your cabin on board the Galla Lupanio. We’re going out to dinner tonight. Maybe something nice for that?”

  I looked at Winona, dressed like me in threadbare pants, the tip of a scabbard visible below the bottom of her oversized, stained sweatshirt. “I think we look fine. Better than fine.”

  I could feel Mom getting frustrated. “No, you don’t. One new dress apiece and no more arguing.”

  “Swim first,” Winona argued.

  Mom’s head tipped slightly. “Fine, swimming for an hour would be acceptable. Ms. Killdeer, I wish you could stay with me to help with the negotiations next week.”

  “Next week?” I asked. “Won’t we be almost home by then?”

  “Right.” She took Dad’s hand and kissed it. “We’ll all be on board the damn Galla Lupanio on the way home.”

  Mom and Dad joined us in the pool and then sat on the side while Winona and I tried to drown each other. I noticed Mom staring at me while I dried off afterward.

  I smiled at her. “What?”

  She shook her head. “Are you planning on doing swim team again this year?”

  “Sure, if I can get my shoulder back to one hundred percent by then.”

  “What are you going to tell the other kids?”

  “About what?”

  She touched the scar on the front of m
y shoulder, then on my back.

  “Oh, that. I’ll tell them I got shot trying to overthrow a government.”

  No answer.

  “I’ll tell them I hurt myself rock climbing?”

  “Better.”

  “While trying to overthrowing a government,” I finished with a smile.

  She sighed.

  “Just rock climbing then. How are things going with the overthrowing the government part?”

  “If you mean building a government, surprisingly well. So far everyone seems willing to cooperate and compromise. Your friend has been at every meeting, so I imagine that’s part of the reason.”

  I looked up at her, not sure what to say, so I tried, “You hate the Tarakana.”

  “I still do. I’ve never seen them take such an active, almost open role, but I suppose he needs to because Bodens Gate is so critical to fighting what the other colonies are doing.”

  “You’ve… talked to him?”

  She nodded. “Extensively. I’ll never get used to that hum coming into my head. They still scare the crap out of me, but I think I understand what he’s trying to do here and across the Union. We’re on the same side for the moment.”

  Her eyes narrowed as she looked at me. “And I understand why he’s so interested in you and Sam. He didn’t mean to show me that part, but the group mind is pretty easy for me to read. Let’s just say that we’re not on the same side as far as the two of you are concerned.”

  I swallowed hard, wondering if she knew how close Sam and I had come to giving Merrimac exactly what he wanted from us. I felt Sam touch me. He didn’t know why I was worried, but I could feel him trying to tell me it was going to be OK.

  “What was that?”

  Mom had been inside my head too. “Um, Sam. He wanted to make sure I was alright.”

  “You can still feel him?” She glanced at Dad sitting next to her. He was looking up at the glass ceiling, staring at nothing.

  “Space dock is over five hundred kilometers from here.”

  Winona was sitting next to me, fluffing and drying her hair. “Actually, Mesa Vista left dock ten hours ago. Assuming normal thrust, they should be almost four hundred thousand kilometers out by now.”

  “You knew about this?”

  Winona decided that she needed to look up at whatever Dad was finding so interesting. I could feel the swirl in Mom’s brain, the frustration. It felt like she was being forced to revisit a decision she’d already made.

  “It doesn’t matter. Merrimac is going to be one step ahead of me no matter what I do.” She turned toward Dad. “Ted, how much did you know about this?”

  “I knew they could read each other ten klicks out, not four-hundred thousand. But I’m not sure it really changes anything. From what you told me about the plans you saw in the group mind it’s not even really all that surprising.”

  Mom doesn’t get overwhelmed or afraid, and only rarely had I seen her not know what to do. I saw all of it right then for a brief second before she shut me out.

  “Need to learn how to do that,” I mumbled to myself.

  She stood. “I need to go.” She looked at us, distracted. “Ted, can you please help them pick something out for tonight?”

  She turned and walked away before Dad even answered. I think she was talking to herself.

  Dad usually doesn’t block me. He can if he wants to, he just chooses to let me in, like it would be rude not to. He was worried about a lot of things, but mostly about Mom.

  “Should I go with her?” Winona had a towel wrapped around her shoulders and looked ready to run.

  “No. She…” he sighed. “She’s gone to talk to Merrimac again.”

  “Again? How often does she do that?”

  Dad chuckled, but without humor. “I’m worried that she’s going to become part of the colony. They seem to have formed a bond; a temporary one I hope. I’ll go check on her in fifteen minutes to make sure she finds her way back out.”

  “Have you been going in there too?”

  He nodded. “I don’t get as much out of it as she does, but being in there with someone you love… God, it’s wonderful.”

  He shook himself. “Let’s get you two dressed and then find something for you to wear tonight to The Gate.”

  “Nice restaurant?” I asked while we made our way to our rooms.

  “It’s not bad. Pretentious, but the steaks are decent and there’s a good selection of beer on tap. They also have a spiced honey drink called krupnikas that your mom likes. It’s powerful. If you behave yourselves I’ll let you each have one after dinner if you want.

  Winn and I grinned at each other.

  I ordered a dress, soft blue-grays to match my post Samuel mood. Winona chose something in greens that made her look adorable in the sim. I also ordered a new display pad, dreading when Dad would notice. We laid down on one of the big, soft beds while we waited for the dresses to print. Winn and I talked and giggled for a few minutes and then I watched her starting to fall asleep.

  “I can feel your emotions while you’re asleep, did you know that? No block at all. You go all warm and snuggly inside.”

  Her eyes stayed closed and she wrinkled her forehead at me. “You’re not a very nice person.”

  “I know. I don’t think you’re really comfortable though until you get a good fistful of blanket in each hand. Then it’s like… bliss.”

  She opened one eye to look at me. “Someday, when I’m mad at you, I’ll tell you what goes on in your brain while you’re sleeping.” She closed her eyes and drifted away into bliss.

  I put my head on the pillow next to hers. “I love my Winona.”

  “They look so sweet, don’t they? Almost innocent.”

  Mom was standing next to Dad, looking at us with her head leaned against his shoulder. “It’s a shame really, to wake them up and unleash what they really are.”

  “Hey! We can hear you, you know.”

  “Good. Enough napping. It’s time to wake up and get ready for dinner. And this came for you.” She tossed a box to me that landed on my stomach. “What happened to the last one?”

  “Lost it,” I sighed. “It was in the coat I was wearing at the rally.”

  “The heavy coat you took off and threw into the crowd as a symbol of Central Government oppression? I might have to forgive you that one.”

  “Thanks.”

  The Gate was in the midst of a transformation. Formerly known as Boden’s Gate and Tap Room, most of the signs had been covered and the wall decorations removed, but our waiter was the exact mix of arrogance and condescension that I would expect in Eindhoven.

  He stared at me while he took my order, judging me, and correcting my pronunciations. He made me stammer when I was trying very hard to seem sophisticated.

  Mom’s eyes narrowed and she asked him, “Je tam nejaky problem?”

  He seemed startled. “Ziadne Madam. Máte krásnu dcéru.”

  She smiled and he scurried away. Mom took a sip of wine before explaining what had just happened by tapping the back of her left hand. “Clan tattoo. He’s a child of the Warrens. We’ll have excellent service tonight, I think.”

  Dad leaned over and kissed her cheek.

  After dinner, Dad helped Winona and me back to our rooms, providing an arm for each of us to lean on. He had been right about the strength of the krupnikas, and I would have been wiser to have settled for a bowl of ice cream instead of the two small shots that were now warming my blood.

  “So,” he asked as we wobbled down the hallway, “are you enjoying being back in civilization?”

  “Nope!” I answered a little too emphatically. “Don’t belong here.”

  Winona leaned around Dad to look at me, using both hands on his forearm to retain balance. “You’d rather be at the Mission?”

  “Don’t be
long there either, but it’s better than this. I made a difference in the Warrens. I think I did. Didn’t I?”

  “You did,” Dad reassured me.

  “Here? Nothing matters. I’m just krásna dcéra, whatever the hell that means.”

  “Language,” Dad warned.

  “How does Mom do it? She makes a difference everywhere she goes. She’s back there now,” I tried to turn to look over my shoulder and almost fell. Dad kept me vertical. “What’s she saying to our waiter? Something that makes a difference, I’ll bet. I have so much to learn from her, and now I’ll only be with you for one more year before I go to the Academy.”

  “Mala Dusa!” Winn tipped forward again to look at me. “Hush. You don’t want to tell your folks about the Academy yet, remember?”

  I put my hand over my mouth. “Right! I forgot.”

  I smiled up at Dad trying to pretend nothing had happened.

  “So, the Academy. That’s where you belong?”

  I shrugged. “Don’t know. But I’m pretty sure it’s the door I have to pass through to get to where I do belong.”

  Dad kissed the top of my head. “Surprisingly, that makes a lot of sense.”

  “It does? Yeah, it does.”

  We dropped Winona at her room and then Dad helped me collapse onto my bed.

  “Don’t forget to brush your teeth.”

  “Uh huh.”

  “And get undressed.”

  “Uh huh.”

  “Beautiful daughter.”

  “Thanks.”

  “No, that’s what krásna dcéra means. The waiter told your mom that she has a beautiful daughter. And he’s right.”

  “Oh. Thanks.”

  Winona tottered into my room wearing a t-shirt and shorts and tucked herself under my covers.

  “Something wrong with your room?” Dad asked her.

  “Mala Dusa was lonely.”