Loving Paws

by Preston Walker

  Though I tried hard to heed my cousin's lesson of leaving Caleb to decide for himself, I still couldn't help the fire that risk had lit inside of me. “Punk!” I shouted as I looked for my cat. She had left the kitchen, and was now sitting on an old jacket of mine in the hallway. “I'm taking off for a few days. Take care of the place while I'm gone, okay?”

  The cat stared at me, the tip of her puffy striped tail twitching slightly. I smacked my forehead, realizing I really needed to get out of the house and stop talking to my cat. I’d have to call Zan and ask if he’d mind coming to feed her while I was away.

  Excitement was slowly building up within me as I hurried about the house to get things ready for this sudden trip. The last time I had gone nearby the Hill, it was at that protest where I found Caleb again after so many years. I hoped this next trip held another new beginning for us, a happy one. I ended up packing hardly anything and quickly went to my truck with only the clothes on my back and a bottle of that expensive cologne Caleb left behind.

  The emerald, smoked glass bottle looked expensive. Some fancy Italian brand I never heard of. I was certain Caleb would have wanted this back. I sprayed just a tiny amount into the truck as I drove away from Thunderstone. It had a clean, sharp smell, but it lacked his rich earthiness--and the latent wildness he carried inside of him. It would have to do until I got Caleb back in my arms.

  The drive through Lillington was a grueling one. Even safe in my truck, I didn’t feel safe, not after what had happened in the town, and I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. Briefly, I let myself wonder what the humans on the Hill were like. Would I have to worry about them, too?

  For Caleb's sake, I hoped they were nicer to shifters than they were here.

  Once I was at the outskirts of Lillington, I began to feel a little better. The road that stretched for a few miles ahead cut through a mostly rural part of the state. Only a few other cars and trailers came up and down the road until I reached the next town. This one was smaller than Lillington; I doubted that I had ever even seen its name, Arrowfield, on a map despite how long it had been here. As far as I knew, it was populated mostly by poor couples living in trailers--not that it meant it was any safer to stop there.

  I drove until I was nearly out of gas and then pulled into the first station I found when I managed to leave the state. Luckily, it was still early into the evening, and the place was crowded with people returning home from work, so I managed to blend in and go unnoticed. Still, I was tense the entire time, keeping an eye out for the sight of a stumbling man in a camo hoodie, and could not calm down until I was well down the road again.

  I tried to soothe myself by making plans. The closer I got to the Hill, the more and more I realized that Caleb and I had never been on a date before. All of our time together in the past had been either brief, stolen moments or nights spent hidden away from the rest of the world. As much I loved the sort of rush I felt before our first kiss I wanted all the mundanities of everyday life with him. That was when love thrived best, during those simple, everyday moments.

  There must be have been a lot more to do in DC than there was in Thunderstone or even Lillington in general. Caleb was probably all cultured now, into fine art and fancy food. We could do something like that. We could go to the movies, maybe go sightseeing, too. Anything Caleb enjoyed doing out here for fun, I wanted to do with him. Really, I would have done anything at all if it meant I got to spend time with him.

  I had a lot of time to plan and fantasize outings as I got through Virginia. Stopping along for gas and food a few times, I found myself thinking of the days I wanted to spend here.

  I wondered what his home was like. I wondered what his friends were like. Maybe I would get to meet this Sarein that had been helping him cause so much trouble.

  This entire ride was an exercise in endurance, and the closer I got to the address Caleb had given me, the more I doubted myself. By the time I finally made it up to the Hill, I had lost pretty much all of the enthusiasm I had when I first set out on this trip. When I got to a neighborhood of upscale apartments, no doubt where the younger elite of the city resided, I searched for Caleb’s building with a nervous frenzy. I recognized the name of the property he had mentioned and found, to my surprise, that I was allowed to park my truck in their lot among their sports cars.

  The next few minutes went by in a flash. I barely registered my surroundings as I hurried past the lobby and up the elevator of the main building to one of the highest floors. In my haste, I ended up going up the wrong number of floors, and the two minutes it took to get to Caleb’s felt like an eternity.

  And then there I was. His floor.

  The hallway was almost hypnotically pristine. The light gray carpet didn’t have a single smudge on it, and as I made my way slowly towards the end of the hall, I worried that my boots, worn and dusty from work, would dirty up the place. A wide window with glass so clean it looked as though it wasn’t even there, gave me an absolutely incredible view of the glowing evening sky. I could see the tops of buildings and even a dark blue ridge in the distance that looked like a mountain range. The sunset me and Caleb shared in my home--could it compare to this?

  All of a sudden, I was feeling very small and insignificant. No wonder Caleb wanted to bring me here. City life was not for me; I needed the freedom and community that Thunderstone offered, but I couldn’t deny the glitzy appeal of this place.

  Caleb’s door was all the way at the end, beside the tall window. The number to his apartment--705-- was embossed in gold lettering. Slowly, I raised my hand and knocked gently on the white, lacquered door.

  “Just a minute!” Caleb called from inside. The sound of his voice made my insides twist. “I’m coming.”

  He opened the door.

  Caleb didn’t look surprised. The soft line of his mouth quickly went from neutral to a hard sneer. Without saying a single word to me, he tried to shut the door in my face, but I managed to stop him right before he did.

  “Wait! Caleb!” I begged, trying to keep the door open just a crack. “Please, I just want to talk to you.”

  He opened the door a little wider, just enough for me to catch a glimpse into his apartment. The spotless home I anticipated turned out to look a lot like mine did at the moment; a pile of laundry on the couch, a stack of dirty dishes on the coffee table, the drawn curtains all seemed to betray his inner turmoil. I didn’t get to see much more, because Caleb moved over to block my sight when he caught me looking.

  “What is it, Lucien?” he asked bitterly, his arms crossed over his chest.

  “I needed to see you again. Didn’t you get my message?” I asked.

  “I get lots of messages everyday, Lucien. What makes you think I would have seen yours when I’m in the middle of running a political campaign?” he snapped.

  “Because we’re having a baby,” I replied, trying hard not to lose my grip on my composure. “And I don’t want to fight with you.”

  “If you didn’t want to fight with me then why are you even here?”

  “I wanted to make up with you--”

  “Make up? You came here thinking we could make up? Why the hell did you think I’d want to do that with you, Lucien?” I could hear a low growl in his words; perhaps he had been unable to fully subdue the wolf within him ever since it woke up again on the night of the full moon. Knowing him, he was unhappy with it--unhappy with me. “Are you being serious right now?”

  Caleb crossed his arms even tighter across his chest, pulling up the hem of his thin t-shirt ever so slightly. He was starting to show now. It would soon become difficult for him to hide the pregnancy from his coworkers. Seeing him in this state made me feel suddenly protective. If I got word that Sarein or anyone else on this Hill were giving him a hard time, who knew what I’d do to them?

  “Please,” I pleaded with him. “Can we please just talk for a minute? Just a minute and then I’ll leave you alone.”

  He sneered. “No. Listen closely, Lucien. I do not
want to make up with you. You’ve made it abundantly clear that you do not respect me. I am tired of you belittling me and treating me like the bad guy for trying to make this a better world for my baby. I didn’t answer your messages for a reason. How dare you? I want nothing to do with you anymore.”

  I felt brittle, like glass about to shatter into a million pieces at any moment. I opened my mouth to protest, but nothing came out.

  “Get away from me! Jesus, don’t you realize that reporters will recognize you from those stupid protests?” He leaned back, his eyes fiery and accusing. “Are you trying to ruin me, Lucien? Are you trying to make me lose all my credibility?”

  I shook my head, and just that action alone took so much strength. “No. I’d never do that.”

  “Just leave. Get out of here! I don’t wanna see you and I don’t wanna know you--”

  “Caleb,” I begged. I made the mistake of trying to reach out for him, and he retreated back inside.

  Just before he slammed the door in my face, he snarled with hatred. “Don’t ever show your face around here again, Lucien. We’re through. I no longer want anything to do with you. Now, get lost.”

  The sound of the door slamming shut went through my body like a stab of pain. I stood there, frozen with shock while my world fell apart around me. I lost both the love of my life and my future child in the same instant. I was so stunned I could not even cry.

  Had I been a real alpha, I would have pounded on Caleb’s door, demanding to be let in and asserting my right as his alpha to speak to him. But I wasn’t that kind of alpha, and in that moment, I wondered if I ever really could be.

  I wasn’t alpha material. I probably wasn’t even father material. I was a failure of a man, and no matter how much I wished it wasn’t true, I was just not the person Caleb wanted me to be.

  It was a miracle that I could even hold it in for the time it took for me to get back to the parking lot. My body was heavy, heartbreak and sadness weighing me down the further I got from Caleb’s door. It was a colossal effort just to breathe, just to keep moving when I knew I would never have him by my side again.

  Once I was back in my car, I couldn’t hold back anymore. I pressed my head to the steering wheel and cried. It was not the loud, sobbing wail I felt in my heart, but a soft, mournful weeping that shook me down to my very core. For a while, I sat there, motionless while life in the big city moved around me, crying endlessly for the soulmate who no longer wanted me.

  It felt like something had been ripped out of me, something that fundamentally made me who I was. My love for Caleb, my endless longing to just see him again--for years I had clung onto these foolish hopes, and I did not know who I was when I could not love him any longer.

  It was over. I repeated this simple phrase over and over again until it lost its bite, until it no longer stung me like a venomous snake, until I could endure the meaning it held over me. It was over. It was over. It was over.

  Caleb and I were through. For good this time.

  16

  Caleb

  “The copier is broken again.” Tyler poked his head in through the door. “I’ll have to head out to the print shop a block over again. Do you need any copies made, Mr. Haust?”

  I turned my attention back down to my computer screen. “No, thank you. If I needed anything done right around here, I’d take care of it myself.”

  “Okay,” he replied, sounding a little shaken by the harshness in my voice. “Sorry for bothering you.”

  When he was gone, I rubbed my face in exasperation. I had not meant to be so short with him. It wasn’t his fault that the copy machines kept breaking and coworkers kept coming in late without warning me, but lately everything seemed to be going wrong and it was driving me absolutely crazy. I wasn’t sure how much more I could take before I really went off on some poor intern. Truly, I was becoming a nightmare to work with--and I didn’t doubt my coworkers were getting sick of me, too.

  Ever since I slammed the door in Lucien’s face almost a week ago, I’ve been struggling with my turbulent emotions. Did pregnancy usually make people this crazy? I wondered how countless generations managed to go through this whole ordeal time and time again. Even though I was excited to be a parent, I wasn’t exactly thrilled about this part of it. My clothing was getting tight and my hormones gave me the wildest mood swings. All I needed now was swollen feet and weird cravings.

  A few minutes later, Sarein came by. I wasn’t thrilled to see him at the moment, especially with my emotions running so high, but he was my only friend, and he had problems of his own. Problems he wouldn’t talk about. “What’s up, Sarein?” I asked.

  He pulled out a chair I kept on the opposite side of my desk and sat down. “Heard you’ve been terrorizing the team. Carson said you nearly attacked him in the breakroom. Is everything alright, Caleb?”

  “Don’t listen to anything Earl Carson has to say about me,” I barked. What else should I have said? I wanted so badly to share my pain with someone else, but I feared that if I let my worries out, I wouldn’t be able to bottle them up and carry on anymore. Ever since I snapped at Lucien, I had been teetering on the brink of despair. “I’ve… been better,” I said, keeping it simple.

  Sarein cocked his head to the side. “Anything I could help you with?”

  I looked away, pretending to be reading through my emails. Instead of a reply, I merely shook my head slowly.

  “Are you sure? I’ve never seen you so down before, Caleb.”

  “I am fine, Sarein. Christ. Can’t anyone ever leave me in peace around here?” I slammed my fist on the table before I could even think to stop myself. Sarein looked taken back. I sighed wearily. “I’m sorry.”

  “Whenever you’re free, Caleb, how about we go out for a drink? Remember that bar Albright invited us to? It’s a real ritzy place. You’d love it, trust me,” he offered.

  I raised my eyebrows at him. “It’s always drinking with you, Sarein. Now you’re starting to worry me. Besides, I can’t really go out drinking these days.”

  He chuckled lightly. “I always did take you for a lightweight, Haust.”

  “It’s not that,” I said with mild indignation. I was many things, but a lightweight was not one of them. If I hadn’t known about Sarein’s little problem with the bottle, I probably could have drank him under the table. At least I could when I wasn’t pregnant. “I’m trying to cut back on that sort of thing lately. It’s not good for you. Maybe you should try that some time, Sarein.”

  “What are you saying, Caleb?” he asked, his eyes narrowing. “Are you implying that I have a problem? That I’m an alcoholic or something?”

  “You said it, not me.” I kept my eyes focused on the screen as I spoke.

  With a huff, he rose from the chair. “Fine. Well, I’m done standing up for you in this office. Next time some overworked little intern quits, I’ll let HR know who was really at fault. It’s not like you even give a damn about this job anymore. When was he last time you even showed your face at an event? Well, Caleb?”

  I must have hit him where it hurt. I knew I should have apologized, but I felt flustered, already overwhelmed by so many things. He left without another word, and I let him.

  For the next couple of hours I worked in silence, typing up a million emails and making phone calls to important people all while my guilt ate at me. Sarein had never been angry at me before. Had I just alienated my only friend--just as I had alienated the father of my unborn baby?

  Had I brought all this unhappiness on myself?

  I was so stressed out I couldn’t even work. Every single word I typed out felt insincere, as though I couldn’t believe the claims of the very bill I myself proposed. I found myself doubting everything, including those things I’d already deemed were the most logical choice. Putting shifters on a government registry to log their names and locations was a good idea, or was it? Did it outweigh the bad it might bring? Who got to see who was on the registry? And how exactly was it going to make unruly
shifters behave?

  When we first came to the city, had mine and Sarein’s names been on a list like the one we were pushing for now, would we have been able to land these jobs?

  I thought about my baby and all the young shifters I had seen at Thunderstone during the full moon. What, exactly, would this bill mean for their futures? Sure, the government would always be able to keep track of them if they ever went missing or bring them to justice if they committed some heinous crime, but what if some narrow minded landlord or employer didn’t want any of our kind around?

  This whole thing was making me want to bang my head against the desk. I couldn’t in good faith keep working on these emails today, so I decided to take off for the evening. I had an apartment that was in desperate need of some tidying up, after all.

  But as I left the lobby of the building, the sight of Sarein headed towards his car made me stop. As much as it pained me to admit I was wrong, I knew I needed to apologize to him. It was proving to be a hard time for both of us, and I wanted to help him through it. “Sarein!” I called. “Wait!”

  He turned around but didn’t really face me. “What?”

  “I need to apologize to you. I didn’t mean to insult you earlier. I didn’t mean to insult anyone--”

  “You didn’t insult me, Caleb. You made me face reality and I couldn’t take it. Do you realize how hard it is to admit you’re an addict? I thought I was doing everything right. I really did. But it turns out I’m weak,” he said, throwing up his arms. I noticed there were sweat stains beneath his arms and on his collar, but it was not warm out.

  “I want to help you. You’re not weak, Sarein. You just need to let someone help you for once,” I took a step towards him. “Let’s go out somewhere--no alcohol. I’ll tell you what’s been bothering me if you tell me what’s going on with you.”

  He seemed to think it over for a moment. “No alcohol?”

  “No. Sorry.”

  “Okay,” he said. “But I don’t know how much of it you’ll want to hear.”