Choosing Eternity

by Bridget Essex

  “No matter what happens tonight,” said Gwen, and her voice came out a little thick, catching on the end. She swallowed, lifted her chin, held her hands out to me, and I took them. “No matter what happens tonight,” she repeated, searching my face, “I love you so much. You’re my best friend in the whole wide universe, and I’m so, so, happy for you, honey.”

  Tears began to prick at the corners of my eyes, and I stepped forward, hugging her as tightly as I could without disturbing the stitches in her side. She still made a little squeak, so I don’t know how well I did at the job.

  She sniffed a little, gazing up at the ceiling and sighed. “Hell, I’m not the mushy type. You’re killing me!” Gwen grinned and shook her head, dashing away her tears, and sniffed again. “Let’s get you in this gown, and then it’s off to the races, yeah?”

  “Yeah, I—” I began.

  But there came a knock at the door.

  Gwen and I looked at one another with wide eyes. “Do you think it’s time already?” she whispered to me, and I shook my head—I wasn’t sure.

  “I’m not ready yet!” I hissed to her.

  “Clearly,” she snorted, waving her hand up and down to indicate my Victorian drawers and corset as I wrapped my arms around my body, and then she snickered a little. “Let me go tell them another minute—the wedding doesn’t start until there’s the right number of brides there anyway,” said Gwen with a wink. She crossed the room over to the door and opened it just an inch. She exchanged some words with whoever it was, then she glanced over her shoulder at me with wide eyes.

  “Rose…it’s Tommie. She wants to see you.”

  I took a deep breath (or as deep as I was able to), and my jaw fell open.

  Tommie.

  Here.

  Now.

  “Yes,” I said, standing up straight. “Let her in?”

  Gwen raised her brows, but she opened the door, Tommie ducked in…and Gwen stepped outside.

  So it was only me and Tommie in the room.

  Me and Tommie…and the enormous wedding dress, draped on the bed.

  The room seemed so still now that Gwen was gone. Tommie stood in the shadows by the door for a long moment, no doubt taking in the fact that I was in my Victorian underthings and the fact that there was an enormous red wedding dress all set to be stepped into.

  Tommie was wearing a fedora, and as she crossed the space between us, taking each step slowly, she removed it from her head, ran her fingers through her ink black hair and held the hat in front of her. Her jaw was set, the muscles there flexed, and her bright green eyes were narrowed…but as she came closer to me, her expression changed, softened.

  Soon we stood only a few feet apart, Tommie and I.

  And we both still remained silent. We stayed that way for a long moment, just taking one another in.

  I cleared my throat.

  “I thought you were going to leave?” I asked gently.

  She shook her head.

  “I’m glad you stayed,” I told her.

  She lifted her chin, her eyes flashing.

  “I…don’t know if I am,” she replied truthfully, casting her eyes to the floor for a long moment, thinking about what she might say next. “But I…don’t know. I think I needed some closure with you.”

  I nodded, stayed quiet while she searched for the right words.

  “I heard about what happened,” said Tommie, gesturing out toward Bran’s living quarters. “That you got your memories back.” She raised her gaze again, and then she sighed a little. “That…that you’re really Melody.”

  I felt so cold, and I wrapped my arms a little tighter about my shoulders. I nodded.

  “It…it makes sense. It felt like you,” said Tommie slowly then. She glanced down at the hat in her hands and leaned back on her heels. She replaced the hat slowly, hooked her thumbs into the belt loops on her pants then. “I suppose it was really meant to be then, Kane and you. That…there was never going to be Tommie and Rose. Was there.”

  It wasn’t a question.

  “Tommie,” I whispered, and I stepped forward, placing my fingers lightly on her forearm. I tilted my chin up, searched her face. “Please listen to me,” I whispered, as she shuddered under my touch, as she gazed at me with such longing that it broke my heart all over again. “Please?”

  “I’ve listened to every word you’ve ever spoken,” Tommie whispered in return, voice low. “I’m not going to stop now.”

  I searched her face. “I adore you. And I love you. But I love Kane so much that I found her again, even though I died, even though I had to find her in this life…I found her. I overcame death to find her.” I squeezed her arm. “I want you to find that yourself. I know soulmates exist now, and I know I am not yours. But your soulmate is out there, and you deserve every last bit of happiness that I feel right now.” I reached up, placed a hand over my heart. “Tommie, you can be as happy as I am. I want that, so much for you.”

  Tommie glanced down at the floor again, her jaw working, and then out the window, at the brilliant hues of the heavens, treasure bright and beautiful. She took a deep breath and nodded once, tightly.

  “I release you,” she said, taking a step back.

  My fingers slipped from her arm.

  “I love you too much to hurt you. I’ve loved you for so long that…it’s going to take time to undo this. But you’re right. When Kane told me what had happened…I finally understood. And I want what you and Kane have, Rose. I’m going to find it.”

  I nodded. “I know you will,” I said simply. “It’s meant to be. And what’s meant to be will find you. Always.”

  “Good luck, Rose,” said Tommie…and then she tilted her head to the side. And though there was no happiness in her expression when she spoke the next words—I knew that she meant them from her heart: “And…congratulations.”

  Tommie ducked out of the room and was gone.

  I held my ribs and turned away, taking little breaths, feeling an immense relief, twined together with an immense sadness moving through me. Gwen let herself back into the room, her eyes wide.

  “Spill!” she murmured to me, darting over. “What happened?”

  And so I told her.

  At the end of it, she was nodding sagely and patting my back with a conciliatory hand. “Don’t worry too much, honey—I think Tommie put on her big girl panties and was really cool about all of it. I mean, she was definitely cooler than I would have been about it, ya know?”

  “I know,” I whispered, looking out the window. “I just—I feel so rotten.”

  “You can’t feel rotten,” Gwen reminded me gently. “You’re about to get married. Branna said they’re all ready for you, so—ya know. We’ve gotta get this show on the road.”

  “You’re right.” I dashed away a single tear that was rolling down my cheek and nodded. “Can you help me into this?”

  “Lordy, probably not.” Gwen grimaced and glanced at the heavy gown. “I’m in a lot of pain, hon—can you pull it on yourself?”

  “Probably not,” I returned with a little smile, “but let’s see…”

  I ended up having to lie down on the bed and crawl into the gown, a bit like a kid crawls into a blanket fort. When it was finally inside it, more or less, I sat up in the bed, and Gwen helped pull me off the coverlet and into a standing position. I slid on the arms, and she stepped behind me to do up the back fasteners of the gown.

  “We’re going to braid your hair and pull it around your head in a nice simple updo. I think it’s gonna look kind of like a halo…and then I’m going to pin the veil in,” Gwen explained once all of the buttons (and there were many, many tiny black buttons) were done up my back. I nodded, sitting back down on the edge of the bed and turning, and Gwen began to gather my long, red hair into different plaits, her mouth full of bobby pins, extracted from who knew where (her dress had some pretty deep pockets, after all).

  We were silent as she braided my hair, as I stared ahead of me with unseeing eyes, as
I twisted and turned my head so she could reach the hair she needed.

  Everything else around me faded away.

  I closed my eyes.

  I remembered a different wedding day, long ago. I remembered the profound happiness I felt when Kane swept me off my feet, when her mouth found mine, when I took the rings from her. I remembered all the happiness in my heart rising, rising…

  And losing all of it.

  I remembered the day we first met, Kane and I…Kane and Rose, now. I remembered everything so acutely, the joy and sorrow and love…oh, so much love, that filled my senses every time she gazed at me, every time her cool fingers touched my face, every time her cold mouth found my own.

  Everything was love, I realized, as I opened my eyes, as Gwen took a step back, a soft smile on her face.

  “You’re ready, honey,” she whispered to me, holding her hands out to me.

  I took them, and I stood.

  Gwen crossed the room, opened the door and stuck her head outside. I heard a muffled “it’s time,” and all of the conversation in the other room ceased.

  All was quiet as Gwen glanced over her shoulder at me with a soft smile, as she gestured to me. I crossed the room, too, taking a deep breath.

  “These are for you,” said Gwen, and she took something from someone just outside the door, and she handed it to me.

  Roses.

  A dozen red roses.

  Their intoxicating scent filled me as I leaned down, as I inhaled their sweet crimson beauty. I took up that bouquet that someone had lovingly wrapped with blood red ribbon, every thorn removed, and I held it in front of me, lifting my chin.

  I was ready.

  It was time.

  And Gwen threw wide the door.

  Inside of the room stood the Sullivans in a semi-circle around the open doors of the balcony. Dolly stood off to the side, Bran’s violin under her chin, as she played a simple melody. I recognized it immediately as Pachelbel's “Canon,” one of the most classic wedding marches of all time. The tune was so simple, so lovely, and it seemed to caress all of us, the sweet strains of the violin surrounding us and rising ever upward as Dolly grinned at me, sweeping the bow across the strings.

  But I noticed all of this in an instant. I noticed that Tommie stood off to the side, turning an unlit cigarette over and over in her hands, her face carefully neutral. I noticed that Mags was, very gratefully, not here. I noticed that Bran stood in a tuxedo at the very center of that semi-circle, beaming happily at me.

  But I noticed all of these things only on the periphery of my senses, all in a blur that faded away in a heartbeat.

  For there was Kane.

  And I only had eyes for her.

  She stood beside Bran by the open balcony door, and when she saw me enter the room, she paused mid-word (she’d been speaking to Bran) and she turned.

  She wore the living hell out of a fitted gray suit. The starched white collar at her neck gave way to a blood-red tie, and there was a blood-red vest beneath the smart gray suit jacket. Her curves, the perfect cascade of her white-blonde hair flowing over her shoulders, no longer in a ponytail, all of this faded away, too, then.

  Because Kane was looking at me, her brilliant blue eyes wide, her full lips parted, her breath coming quickly, her chest rising and falling much too fast for the usually cool and smoothly confident vampire.

  But now, as I stared across the small distance between us, I realized…

  There were tears in her eyes, as she gazed at me. She straightened her fingers and then curled them into soft fists, as if she ached to reach out and grasp me.

  There was such a profound longing in her expression that it drew me across the space between us. I don’t remember walking down the “aisle” toward her, because there was no aisle. There was only the space between Kane and I to conquer.

  And then there was no space at all as I folded into her arms.

  There was no better place in the universe where I belonged.

  “Oh, you look…” Kane began, but she wasn’t able to finish. For I stood tall into my toes, reached up, wrapped my arms about her neck and drew her down to me for a kiss.

  Our mouths met, the scent of her cologne washed over me, sweetest jasmine and deepest vanilla and intoxicating spice, but also the scent of her skin, the scent that made Kane…Kane. It was familiar in all of its lovely glory, because I had loved her for lifetimes. I had known her scent, her kiss, this happiness. I had known, and would know for always.

  Bran made the tiniest noise of clearing her throat, and Kane and I separated a little, chuckling breathlessly. We turned, hand in hand, our fingers entwined, and we took in Bran, who stood before us, holding a little leather bound book in her hands, her chin lifted, her gentle brown eyes flashing with happiness.

  “All right, ladies—are you ready?” she asked us in low tones.

  “Yes,” we both answered at the same time, still breathless.

  We’d been ready for a very long time.

  Bran glanced around at the gathered Sullivans, standing easily in that semi-circle about us. Jane and Dolly and Luce and Victoria and Cecelia and Tommie, off to the side, watching us in silence as she turned her cigarette in her long, elegant fingers.

  We were, all of us, together in this time and in this place.

  And we were here for love.

  Why do we perform rituals at the most important moments of our lives? For what is a wedding, but a ritual? I guess I’d never really thought about it before that moment. I lived my life like most of us do—I honored the big moments by doing what others did, celebrating them with rituals. On birthdays, I had birthday parties. I went to weddings to celebrate the love of my friends. I went to funerals to honor the ones I loved who passed. I went to Anna’s funeral to honor her as a person, to honor the love we’d shared, to honor the bond we’d had in the part of our lives we’d shared together.

  Rituals are what connect us, are what transform the endless moments of the mundane into something magical, something we will remember for all of time.

  I didn’t want to marry Kane because I wanted a big wedding or I wanted to invite a bunch of people to celebrate with me. I didn’t want to marry Kane to wear a fancy wedding dress or eat a fancy cake.

  I wanted to marry Kane because I loved her, because our love was eternal. Because she was my destiny. I wanted to marry Kane because it was important, giving her that vow of eternal love. She deserved that vow. She deserved that promise.

  And it was with all of my heart that I would give it to her.

  Bran cleared her throat again, lifted her chin. She opened her arms, encompassing all of the Sullivans and me. “Dearly beloved,” she said, and gave a little smile. “We are here today for love’s sake. Over a hundred years ago, we should have met in this time and in this place…but we could not. Now, we must make up for lost time. Today, in front of all of us, Kane and Rose will exchange vows of love and rings to symbolize this love. We know that Kane and Rose are meant to be, because across lifetimes, they have found one another again. But, if there is anyone here who disagrees with their union, please speak now.”

  I lifted my chin, and I gazed into Kane’s eyes unwaveringly. But, of course, how I could not think of Tommie, leaning against the wall with her shoulder, her mouth in a thin line of defeat.

  But she did not speak a word.

  She knew the truth of what I’d told her. She knew that something connected Kane and I, and it was more powerful than death itself.

  And she let us have this. Which was, perhaps, the greatest gift I’d ever been given.

  “Kane,” said Bran, taking a deep breath. “I have here, in my hand, a journal you filled a very long time ago. Centuries ago, back when I was the only one in this group who knew you.” Her smile was soft as Bran considered her best friend. “You gave me this journal today to read part of it aloud for your beloved. May I?”

  “Yes,” said Kane gruffly, squeezing my hands.

  Bran opened the little leather book
to a page she’d marked with a strip of paper. She gazed down at the book, open in her hands, and she read to us: “‘I know now what I am, that I must live a long and lonely life with Bran’s friendship as my only companion. For I will never love. To love someone, she would have to be a creature that does not exist: a woman of gentleness and kindness, built of quiet strength and wisdom with a laugh that would make my own heart sing. She would have to understand me as I am, not a creature of darkness that needs to be changed in order to be lovable, but love me as I am. I am not perfect. I try to be good, try to live by ideals and a code of honor, but no one is flawless. To love a woman, she would have to love me, my flaws and all, and there is no one the universe over who would do this when I am something so dark as to be unseen.’”

  Bran closed the book in her hands and I stared into Kane’s gaze, my own eyes wide and wet, blinking back tears.

  For her part, Kane looked down at me with such tender affection and adoration, that I felt my heart lift up inside my ribs.

  “To love someone,” said Bran gently, “is to love them through good times and bad, through darkness and through light, never wavering when they show you their beastly side…or their beauty. To love someone is to open your heart so that they may reside within it, protected and adored, cherished and held. The world, my lovelies, is so hard. There is little pity or kindness to be had, and beauty must be sought out and found. But, when you love someone, the hardness of it all fades away. Though the world itself is sharp and unyielding, together you have found your sanctuary and safest place. Together, you may face anything. Through love, your life is made lovely.”

  I gazed up into Kane’s face. My eyes traced every curve there, every inch of skin that I had kissed so many times before. That I would kiss again. I would cover her body with kisses, would touch every place in adoration, would whisper love into every curve she possessed.

  I loved this woman with my whole heart.