To help your mind, you can find support groups, pet loss grief coaches, psychotherapists, friends, co-workers, family members, and veterinarians who respect the journey of pet grief you are going through. They should be there for you and be able to walk this journey with you so that you don’t have to feel alone.
Finding ways to support your mind’s health can take some time, yet if you know what you’re looking for, the process can be less cumbersome.
Here are some other ways that you can create a healthy mind that can support you:
Talk to a pet grief coach—a coach will listen and allow you to better manage your healing process.
Talk to a psychotherapist or other healthcare provider—it is important to find someone that gets pet loss.
Participate in pet loss support groups—these provide another way to support you. In them you will meet people that are going through similar situations. Be sure you find one where you feel that you are getting ample time to express your journey and are not being judged by anyone.
Talk with select family and friends—this is a tough one. Your friends and family may mean well, yet they may also be the ones that trigger your grief because they really don’t know how to support you. Choose wisely and choose only those friends and family that let you talk and that don’t offer advice. Definitely stay away from the ones that judge you!
A healthy mind is a strong mind that creates balance when the mind clutter starts getting out of hand. Having a support system helps you monitor your mind and offers solutions when your grief is swirling out of control.
Choose a couple of these options that feel good to you. Do some research and don’t feel bad if the person that you thought was your best friend doesn’t support you. There is someone who will!
The Spiritual Self
Now let’s talk about your spiritual health. Many times you can forget about this one when experiencing the newness of the death of your cat. You may even be uncomfortable with your spiritual beliefs or not have any.
Whatever your spiritual choice, remember, it is your journey. I encourage you to only incorporate a spiritual practice into your daily life if you feel comfortable doing so.
Here are some of the ways that you can create spiritual health in your life:
Meditation comes in all forms. A quiet walk in the woods is equally meditative as sitting quietly in one posture and clearing your mind of all thoughts.
Yoga, tai chi, or other forms of spiritual-physical practice help your body become stronger. The discipline and focus create a connection to your inner spiritual force.
Your spiritual practice, no matter what your belief is, and its daily, weekly, or periodic expression can help you receive solace.
An animal medium or animal communicator is an excellent way to get peace of mind and explore the spiritual connection that you have with your cat, even after their death, from your cat’s perspective. My clients that choose to have an animal mediumship session with me are greatly relieved to hear from their cats again (more on this in chapter 15).
I have shared with you many ways to take care of yourself. It is totally up to you on how you would like to include one or many of the suggestions that I offered.
Remember, this is a trying time, and it can become very difficult as the days, weeks, and months progress. You are dealing with a huge shift in your daily life. Your dear pal is no longer physically present, and that is a lot to handle.
Creating a support team as we discussed is equally important as taking care of yourself. Being well rested, balanced, at peace are all the things you need to meet your grief head-on!
Use the Contemplation Questions at the end of the chapter to take action on your own self-care without guilt. Even if the only thing you can do right now is simple breathing to create balance in your life, that is okay!
Chapter Wrap-Up
In this chapter, I shared ways that helped so many of my clients find peace of mind and strength after their cats died. I encourage you to take some time for yourself without feeling guilty. Care for yourself in terms of your body, mind, and spirit.
By allowing time in your schedule for self-care, you will be able to move through your grief journey with more quality and awareness. You will make better decisions and be ready for unexpected grief too.
Remember to use the three Contemplation Questions to determine the what, when, and how of your own self-care.
In section 2, I am going to offer you support with the extremely difficult and sometimes painful decisions that you will be faced with and that need to be addressed.
Chapter 6 Contemplation Questions
How much time can you carve out for rejuvenating your soul—daily, weekly, and monthly?
How are you going to reach out to get support for your body and mind?
How are you going to support your spiritual beliefs? How are you going to practice your spiritual beliefs, so they directly support you with your emotions and stages of grief?
DECISIONS TO BE MADE
SECTION TWO
How lucky I am to have something that makes saying good-bye so hard.
—A.A. Milne
Chapter 7—Tending to Your Cat’s Body
One thing that we can all depend on in life is death. Death happens to everyone, and we can’t avoid it. By knowing and embracing your beliefs about hospice, the end of life, and the afterlife, your decision on how to care for your cat’s body will inspire you to feel absolute about the life that you had with your cat.
We can look at death as a valuable teaching experience in terms of how we relate to the cycle of life and our beliefs. Death deserves attention and respect. Your decisions about what to do with the body of your dear companion will give you the sense that you valued and appreciated the life you had with your cat.
Remember that how you choose to care for your cat’s body is your way of showing respect for yourself and the relationship you had with another living being. If you show love for your cat by choosing cremation, burial in your backyard, or burial in a pet cemetery (chapter 8) instead of letting your veterinarian take care of everything—that is absolutely okay. No one’s judgment of you matters because it is you and your relationship with your cat that is the most important consideration.
I’m going to let you in on a little secret here—when you actively participate in deciding how to care for your cat’s body, that nagging and painful grief feeling of guilt doesn’t have much chance of surviving. Instead, by choosing how you are going to handle the body, making decisions, and taking an active role, you are going to win, and guilt will not have a chance.
I find in my practice mostly everybody, including myself, feels some level of guilt that we never did enough for our treasured cats. Know that this sentiment is common and universal.
Yet, when you take control, deciding how you are going to care for your cat’s body in the most suitable way and how you will pay tribute to your cat, which we will cover in chapters 12 and 13, guilt cannot live in your heart. The only thing that continues to live in your heart is the love that you shared with your valued feline companion and the fact that you did the right thing.
Making sure that the body of your feline companion is handled perfectly is not strange or peculiar. It shows courage, pride, and strength, all of which are incredibly powerful when you are experiencing such great loss and grief.
The Pros and Cons
There are a few things to consider that can help you decide how to handle your cat’s body.
When your veterinarian confronts you, asking, “What would you like to do with the body?” there are a couple of options for you to consider:
You can leave your cat with your veterinarian to take care of everything.
You can take your cat home to be buried or to a crematorium.
Either way or whatever your choice, there are pros and cons.
Option One: You can leave your cat with your veterinarian to take care of everything.
Option One Pros
> If you let the vet do everything, it might help you process your grief in a way that makes sense to you. It might be too difficult for you to handle the body yourself and that is okay, so you should respect that in yourself.
Also, this might be the better choice if your cat died from an accident because seeing their body may be too painful for you to experience. It may trigger your grief to a point of not being healthy, and your memories of your cat would, therefore, be unpleasant and not something that you would like to remember.
Option One Cons
Once your veterinarian has the body, you do not know how the body of your cat is going to be handled. Many people don’t want their cats in a plastic bag, carried off to a back room, and then disposed of.
This is not to say that your veterinarian would be insensitive, but if you choose to let the veterinarian be the caretaker, ask them to describe their protocol for handling their patients’ bodies. You want to be sure this aligns with your beliefs. Total trust in your veterinarian is paramount.
Another con is that if your cat died at home in their sleep, for instance, it might be awkward for you to take their body to the veterinarian’s office. It might be less stressful or traumatic if you keep their body at home for a possible backyard burial or you could call a crematorium of choice to make arrangements. (Both of these options we’ll be discussing in detail in chapter 8.)
The biggest disadvantage with leaving your cat’s body with the vet is that you don’t have control and you don’t know if your cat is being treated with respect.
Option Two: You can take your cat home to be buried or to a crematorium.
Option Two Pros
If you are able to make the choice of being able to take charge of your cat’s body and not have your veterinarian do it, I would highly suggest this option.
I recommend this option for the reason that you get to fully control how your cat’s body is handled, which can give you a sense of healthy closure, just as it did for Patsy whose story I’m about to share to demonstrate this pro.
Case Study—Patsy and Popcorn
Popcorn was Patsy’s buddy for 16 years. The last year of Popcorn’s life was very challenging for Patsy because there were so many changes in his health. When it came time to euthanize Popcorn, Patsy was a little confused by her veterinarian’s insistence on taking care of Popcorn’s body.
Luckily Patsy had just started working with me, and she knew that she wanted to be in charge of caring and being responsible for Popcorn’s body. She convinced her veterinarian that she had a plan.
Patsy could not bear to have anyone else handle Popcorn’s body. It was very important to her that his body was handled properly, so she and her husband created a cozy spot in the backseat of their car and drove Popcorn to a crematorium.
The crematorium had a special service where they made a paw print in plaster before they cremated Popcorn’s body. Patsy keeps the plastered paw print in her kitchen on top of the refrigerator—where Popcorn liked to hang out.
* * *
Here is what happens when you pursue the second option—you get to deal with your loss on another level, one that allows you to actively participate, possibly even have friends help you, all so you can expand your relationship with your loyal cat in an entirely different way. With such active participation, a new form of love fills your heart that directly connects to your cat and your healing.
It also allows you additional time for closure. For example, another client of mine, Amy, decided that she was going to take Patches to the crematorium herself. On her way there, she stopped at her favorite pet supply store and bought Patches his favorite catnip toy. She then gave that toy to him when she surrendered his body to the folks at the crematorium, so the catnip would be processed along with Patches’ body.
Plus, it was Amy’s final way of saying good-bye to Patches. This helped Amy heal as the months progressed because she had the memory of doing something very sweet for Patches. It is another way of respecting and honoring the relationship that she had with her cat.
This is not to say that you won’t experience grief, but what it will give you is memories and a sense that you did everything you could for your cat.
Option Two Cons
Sometimes when you choose to deal with your cat’s body yourself, it can be an overwhelming experience to drive your cat home to be buried or to the crematorium.
If you have children at home (something we’ll explore in chapter 9 and that I’m addressing exclusively in my next book,) unsupportive family members, it could make the experience of handling your cat’s body yourself difficult or unpleasant for you.
The other thing to think about is that if you want to bury your cat in your backyard, the season will factor into the decision. If the ground is frozen, it is difficult to do a backyard burial. If this is the case, you’ll want to have a plan on how you are going to preserve the body.
For example, my clients Theresa and her family wanted a backyard burial but it was winter when their beloved cat, River, died, so they brought River home, put her in the freezer, and waited until spring. This may sound gruesome to some, but to Theresa and her family, it was what they wanted to do for River. Doing so helped them manage their grief in a more peaceful and reassuring manner.
Here are some other potential difficulties to consider too:
You may not have a pet crematorium or cemetery in your area, and it would be difficult for you to transport your cat’s body to one in another part of the state or even to a whole different state.
If you live in an apartment building, you may not have land for a backyard burial.
The cost of either cremation or burial in a pet cemetery could be prohibitive, so other possibilities would need to be considered.
No matter what your choice is for the handling of your cat’s body, keep in mind that it is your choice and you make your decision based on your beliefs, needs, and desires.
Chapter Wrap-Up
In this chapter, I supplied you with information and considerations to help with the decision on how you would like to handle your cat’s body. There are many ways to look at this personal choice. The key is to understand what you can handle, what you want to deal with, and what is going to help you feel better.
With the chapter’s Contemplation Questions, you will explore your own personal beliefs and feelings in order to arrive at the most appropriate decision for you and your cat.
In chapter 8, we are going to talk about the particular variables at play in regard to deciding between a backyard burial, a cremation, or a pet cemetery burial for your beloved cat companion. You will learn about the details of each option and explore which is the best for you.
Chapter 7 Contemplation Questions
Do you want your vet to take care of everything? If so, why is that right for you, and how are you going to say good-bye? List the pros and cons that are unique to this choice for you.
Do you want to take care of your cat’s body yourself? List the pros and cons about this decision for you.
Just as Amy stopped at her favorite store to buy a catnip toy as she drove Patches’ body to the crematorium, consider a final symbolic gesture that you could do to demonstrate love and respect for your furry pal. Make sure the gesture complements the decision you’ve made to either ask your vet to handle your cat’s body or to handle it yourself.
Chapter 8—Planning for Burial, Cremation, or Pet Cemetery
For those of you who made the decision not to leave your cat’s body with the veterinarian, in this chapter we are going to explore options for handling your cat’s remains either through cremation or burial.
The Cremation Option
Many of my clients choose cremation over burial. Everyone has their own unique reasons, but the two most prevalent reasons for cremation are (1) city ordinances in urban communities and (2) they want the ashes of their cat, so they can keep them or sprinkle them in a favorite place as a formal way of saying good-bye.
Case
Study—Victoria and Zen-ne
My client Victoria was a cat fancier who showed her cats in pageants around the country. She was a well-respected breeder and has had many cats throughout her life. However, she told me it was Zen-ne that filled her soul. Not only did he win best-in-show three times, but also Zen-ne was the cat that kept her focused on what mattered most in her personal life.
Victoria knew that when Zen-ne died, she would be doing something very special with his ashes. Since they both traveled to shows all over the country, she wanted a little bit of Zen-ne’s soul sprinkled at their special places around the country.
One of her favorite places was in Seattle, WA. It was here that Victoria first met Zen-ne and where she liked to go when she needed a break from her busy life. She decided that she was going to visit Seattle with Zen-ne’s ashes and leave a little bit at each place she visited that calmed her soul.
When she arrived in Seattle with Zen-ne’s ashes, Victoria picked a favorite place each day there and said a little prayer while sprinkling Zen-ne’s ashes to say good-bye.
After her return home, Victoria shared with me, “I am very pleased I went to Seattle with Zen-ne’s ashes. I felt his spirit and his heart in mine as I said my prayers. Healing my grief this way gave my heart what it needed. I still miss him, but I know his love is strong.”
The cremation option is becoming more and more popular with animal-lovers. Since cremation has become more popular, more options are available for you to choose from.
I recommend that you ask your veterinarian which crematorium they use and then make sure to do your own research. You want to be sure you choose a place that has strict ethics and spotless business practices.
How Cremation Works
In pet cremation, your pet is placed in a chamber that is heated between 1400 and 1800 degrees. The heat reduces your pet’s remains to basic calcium compounds. In other words, to ashes.
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