Knowing what normal grief is as opposed to abnormal grief will guide you to a clearer perspective so that you can be fully aware and present for your child during this difficult time (chapters 1 and 2).
Since this is may be your child’s first exposure to death, know that they probably will not know how to respond or why they have the feelings that they do.
This experience gives you the opportunity to be a confidant, teacher, supporter, and role model who is there for them, listens, and unconditionally loves them, just as your treasured cat did.
For greater guidance in the area of supporting children when a beloved pet dies, you may want to consult my next book entitled Pets as Compassionate Teachers of Pet Loss: A Comprehensive Guide for Parents of Children Who Are Facing the Loss of Their Pet. This book is for parents who are looking for a no-nonsense approach to teach their child about life, death, and beyond in an easy and concise manner. At the end of this book, I give an extensive description of the topics my next book addresses.
Chapter Wrap-Up
In this chapter, you learned why pets are so important and how they can be incredible teachers for introducing death to a child. With the five tips provided, you will be able to support your child in their first encounter with death and be the perfect role model for this life experience.
With the chapter’s Contemplation Questions below, you will begin to organize your plan of action on how to help your child.
In the next chapter, you will explore a very common issue concerning the right time to get another cat. Most of my clients go through varying levels of anguish about inviting another cat into their lives after the deaths of their beloved companions. You will hear the stories of Angela and Azia. Plus, you will receive eight tips to help you with this decision.
Chapter 9 Contemplation Questions
What are your feelings about death? Can you make a list? Do you consider each of your feelings about death healthy?
How will you tell your child about death when they ask about the death of their cat?
Are there any comments that you made that may be half-true, vague, or considered to be myths? If so, can you change them to reflect a clear and honest answer?
Chapter 10—Loving Another Cat
Determining when to get another cat can be an excruciating decision for you. This decision oftentimes has people going back and forth, never seeming to reach a decision they feel a hundred percent confident about.
Unfortunately, the loss of our cats is inescapable since their lifespans are not as long as ours. Still, it doesn’t lessen the pain of loss in any way. Your grief is still going to be felt, and you are going to feel alone if you don’t have other critters in your household.
For some of my clients, opening their heart to a new cat to invite into their home right after their companion dies is extremely helpful. Yet, for other clients, it can take a long time before they are ready. For some, they never are able to have another cat because the pain is so intense.
Remember in chapters 1 and 2 when I talked about how grief has a life of its own? How grief is unique to you and everyone is different in how they process their grief? Similarly, making a decision to get another cat is a personal choice for you to make.
My client Angela and her family couldn’t imagine a home without a cat, and they remedied it very quickly after their Apricot died. They couldn’t stand coming home and not having the cheerful meows of Apricot running towards them, welcoming them home. To Angela, getting a new cat quickly eased her distress and brought happiness. For her, it was the right choice.
Yet my client Azia needed to grieve her loss of Curry much longer before she felt ready to adopt another cat. She felt that she needed the time to grieve so that she could work through her feelings without having a new cat to distract her.
For Azia, this was the sensible thing to do because she wanted to be sure that she didn’t “replace” Curry or express grief in front of her new cat. She also didn’t want to feel disloyal to Curry by opening her heart to another cat.
While some people are like Angela and want a new cat right away and other people are like Azia and want to wait a while before they are ready, there are others that have no timeframe at all. They make the choice to wait as long as it takes until the right cat comes along.
Most of my clients go through varying levels of anguish about inviting another cat into their lives after the death of their beloved companion. It is a very common feeling, and it is normal. By reading the story of Angela and Azia, I hope you will be able to trust where you are at with your journey of grief to make the best decision for you.
8 Tips to Keep in Mind
1. When welcoming another cat into your family, no matter where you are with your grief, this action can trigger feelings of loss that you thought you had already dealt with. It can challenge you to deal with grief feelings on a deeper level, which can be uncomfortable, surprising, and uninvited.
2. There is no right or wrong time to bring another cat into your life. It’s really up to you. There are some things to consider to be sure that you are truly ready, but there are no hard-and-fast rules for making this decision.
3. Try not to make a hasty decision. Give yourself time to grieve and think. Don’t let anyone tell you what the right decision is or pressure you into getting a cat.
4. Your new cat should not be considered a “replacement” for your previous cat. Replacement relationships are not healthy, and when you build a new relationship with a new cat, your memories and experiences will be different, unique, and very special to the two of you.
5. It is important to involve all family members in the decision to invite a new cat into the household. In particular, consider the needs and feelings of your children. They can easily feel that having a new pet in the home can be disloyal to the previous cat. Everyone in the family needs to have their chance to properly grieve.
6. Since your new cat begins a new relationship with you, it can be very difficult to heal your grief by naming the new cat the same as your previous cat’s name. Try and come up with a new name that reflects the personality of the cat and their special antics, personality, characteristics, etc.
7. Having the expectation that your new cat will learn, do, respond, or have the same character traits as your previous cat is not respectful to your new cat. As an alternative, enjoy your new cat as a unique being with a ton of love, fun, and enjoyment to give you. Be excited by the differences and quirkiness.
8. If you have other pets in the house, consider whether they will enjoy or resent a new cat. Some cats mourn the loss of a companion, so it will be important for their health and well-being to support the grief of the surviving cat.
Similarly, to the case studies in this chapter and the 8 Tips to Keep in Mind, whether to get a new cat really depends on how comfortable you are with the stage of grief that you are at (chapter 2) and if you feel that your grief no longer affects the way you experience your daily life.
When my clients tell me they were at the humane society and found the perfect cat, yet they still question if the time is right, I remind them to step back, take a breath, and trust what they are feeling in their hearts. If there is confusion or doubt, it may mean they are still not ready, and that is okay. But, if the “heart-melt” overcomes the uncertainty, then it may be the perfect time.
Finally, if you are not convinced that you are ready for a new cat, there is always the option to volunteer at your humane society or local rescue group. You would be able to spend time cuddling, socializing, and maybe even fostering a cat in need. You will be able to share the love in your heart and receive comfort in knowing that you are doing something good. This is an excellent way to discover a new furry companion when you least expect it!
Chapter Wrap-Up
In this chapter, you learned how to explore and feel confident about when you are ready to bring another cat into your home. You understand the importance of knowing where you are in your stages of grief and how this ca
n affect your decision. Plus, you received 8 Tips to Keep in Mind when contemplating your decision.
You heard the stories of Angela and Azia, and how they carefully tuned in to their nuances of grief to determine the right time to get another cat.
With the three Contemplation Questions, you will be able to begin the process of knowing when you are ready to bring another cat into your life and how you will go about finding the cat that melts your heart!
In the next chapter, you are going to begin exploring the topic of ways to celebrate the life you had with your cat. We will begin chapter 11 by exploring the difference between “grief” and “mourning.”
Chapter 10 Contemplation Questions
Are you ready to get another cat now? If so, list the reasons why. After making your list, do you still feel like you are ready?
If you are not ready to welcome another cat into your life now, can you list the reasons why? Can you change those reasons into positive statements that help you process your feelings of grief?
How do you see your process of inviting another cat into your home unfolding? What does that look like? Will you rescue, foster, volunteer, or something else?
CELEBRATIONS OF LIFE FOR HEALING
SECTION THREE
All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.
—Havelock Ellis
Chapter 11—Deciding on Mourning
For many of us, the words “grief” and “mourning” have been used interchangeably to mean the same thing. However, they are quite different. Knowing that difference will help you with your own journey of healing your grief over losing your furry companion.
As you learned in chapters 1 and 2, grief is your emotional reaction or physical response to your unique loss. Grief can be experienced as shock, confusion, anger, depression, sadness, anxiety, and more.
If you allow your grief to be felt and you accept that grief is normal, your journey to peace gradually changes. Your grief is your body’s way of dealing with an event that you may not be able to fully process in that moment. It takes time for your soul to process grief, so please be patient with yourself.
If the death of your cat was sudden or totally unexpected, your struggle may take some time to completely understand. Conversely, if your cat was ill and suffering for a while, the time that you need to process your grief may unfold quite differently.
The important thing to remember is that the loss of your cat is not entirely about losing your companion that you love dearly. It takes into consideration your dreams of what you hold precious and endearing in everyday life. For this reason, it is crucial that you give yourself “permission” to feel your loss and give yourself the space to heal your heart.
Case Study—Lucy and Shadow
Lucy found that with the loss of her cat Shadow it was much easier to endure her grief by not wishing that her pain would go away. Lucy told me, “I was burying my emotions by wishing they would go away because I thought the way to peace was to wish for difficult feelings to stop bothering me. I fooled myself thinking they went away, but then they would show up at unexpected times and remind me of the agony I felt. When I understood this and felt comfortable admitting and then expressing my grief, it finally started to feel like my feelings had a voice to express.”
For Lucy, she talked about the pain of Shadow’s death to a supportive pet loss grief group and also during our weekly calls. She discovered how important it was to keep talking and feeling. She sought out people in her daily life that would allow her to express her grief feelings, like guilt and anger. She fully participated in her mourning period by sharing her feelings with those that did not judge her.
* * *
Keep in mind that your grief could get derailed if someone gives you a timeline of expectations. “You should be better by now. It has been six months” or “Why are you still feeling so guilty?” If you listen to these statements, as well as the other myths from chapter 3, you may not have the necessary time to mourn and you may get distracted from your journey. Lucy, in her “quest” for supportive people, quickly learned how to include select people in her grief journey (and exclude others!).
Your journey will vary and be different from anyone else’s. The pressure to “get better quickly” is one to stay away from. It will ultimately guide you away from the peace that you may be seeking. Feelings do take a while to process.
You will probably never completely lose your feeling of sadness about the loss of your cat, but with time, the frequency and intensity will change. In fact, by allowing your grief to speak and express itself as a remedy for your pain, your healing will come about in time.
On Mourning
The mourning of your cat is the next step. You may not feel like it makes any sense right now, or you may feel that it is impossible to go to this next step; however, mourning is a very beautiful and sacred time for you.
You learned that grief is the internal expression of losing your cat. Mourning is the opposite. It is the outward expression of your grief. We can go deeper and say that mourning is the outside process that you choose to undergo in order to cope with the intense void that you are experiencing on the inside.
When you are ready to mourn, the reflection and introspection of the life you shared with your cherished cat can be very strong and profound. It is the time to love even more deeply and remember that sweet and endearing connection that you shared with your cat that you deeply miss.
This experience will help you as you begin to create a celebration of your cat’s life (chapter 12) and while you start to anticipate the changes in your own life (chapter 14).
Remembering, expressing and being open to developing a new clarity will allow you to gain insight into and empathy for your new life. Although this time can be extremely painful and difficult, your grief and mourning process can reveal some amazing gifts that aid you in understanding who you are. Your cat was a teacher. This is the time period to fully reflect on those lessons.
Like grieving, mourning can be a difficult time. Yet, both are necessary for healing pet loss. By walking the journey of pet loss grief and creating a special ceremony that honors the life you had with your pet, you can learn so much and gain a tremendous gift from the experience.
Your animal devoted themselves to you and you to them. The physical loss of that deserves to be mourned. Managing your grief through this period can give you some amazing insight in relation to what your bond truly meant.
Chapter Wrap-Up
In this chapter, you learned that both grief and mourning have different roles in your journey of healing the loss of your beloved feline companion. Even though they can overlap and have no timeframe, your outward expression of your grief (i.e., mourning) will be an invaluable learning tool and a beautiful, sacred time.
With the chapter’s Contemplation Questions, you will reflect on your own mourning experience and discover how mourning is actually the remedy to heal your pain.
In chapter 12, you will learn of actual ways to express your grief through some mourning rituals. When you are ready to approach healing your pet loss with a pet funeral, pet memorial, pet remembrance, and/or an end-of-life celebration, chapter 12 will guide you.
Chapter 11 Contemplation Questions
Both grief and mourning are important and valuable for healing the pain of losing your cat. With guidance from previous chapters, what are you experiencing in your grief journey? Are you now ready to mourn? If so, how? If not, what is holding you back?
How can mourning heal your body, mind, and spirit?
Can you list ways that you will be compassionate and patient with yourself during your mourning?
Chapter 12—Appreciating Your Cat’s Life
Grief is different from mourning, and you can easily get caught up with your grief and forget to outwardly express your feelings, which is what it means to mourn. Learning how to express your grief and mourn the loss of your cat is an important step when healing your pet loss.
Mourning is a way of saying good-bye in a very healthy way.
In this chapter, you are going to explore the different ways in which you can both mourn and celebrate your cat’s life—through a pet funeral or other type of end-of-life celebration. If you are ready for something different yet extremely beneficial for your heart and soul, the celebrations that I am going to share with you in this chapter provide new ways of respecting and honoring your cat.
Since you are a very special person that wants to honor your highly valued cat, please remember that if someone tells you that you are strange for holding an end-of-life ceremony for your cat—PLEASE DON’T LISTEN! If you listen, you will be holding back a very important step for healing your grief.
By going through the necessary process of mourning (chapter 11) and exploring the options in this chapter, you will have the chance to respectfully celebrate the life of your cat and thank them for everything they did for you. In celebrating your cat, you honor that special relationship you both had, thus providing a positive and healthy outlet for your grief.
Also, by spending time creating the end-of-life ceremony yourself or by having a pet funeral celebrant help you create a personalized celebration, you will get the chance to have some closure and say good-bye. I have been conducting pet funerals and pet memorials for many years, and I have found that the value of holding a commemorative event is an invaluable aid in the healing process. Expressing your feelings and showing tribute to your cat is healthy, normal, and essential.
Case Study—Carol, Hans & Tigger
My clients Carol and Hans hired me to design and conduct a backyard celebration when their cat Tigger died. I worked with them to compose a beautiful eulogy that paid tribute to all the things that they shared with Tigger.
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